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THIS WEEK’S LETTERS

My dear Jil, the problem is you keep dating the wrong guys, it’s not that you have a string of bad luck with guys. You keep dating guys that are neither right for you nor care about you, guys who just want to exploit you. Funny thing is you know from onset these guys aren’t right for you but you plunge on all the same, just because you feel you must have a man. Take this latest guy. Barely one week into the relationship, he’s already asking you for a loan. That should have been a red flag. You tried to mitigate your risk by giving him half the loan he requested, but you had increased your risk profile by sleeping with him! Wise guy he was, he simply asked for a second loan of the same value the very next week knowing you’ll likely half it. And so he got the original amount he asked from you, only in two instalments. The second demand right after the second sex instalment! I guess he reckoned you’re hooked, that you need sex. So he bargains with sex. You have that sore feeling you’ve been outsmarted. He’s never going to pay you back. I’m sure you know that.

How can you claim you want commitment yet keep giving your heart and sex to undeserving non-committing type? And as if things aren’t bad enough the guy keeps making inane demands, including the demand you buy him boxer shorts! You sure got yourself a real man didn’t you – the type who begs for boxers and underwear! What a man! After you’ve become official supplier of boxer shorts, you’ll graduate in time to supplier of shirts and trousers. Then you’ll graduate to feeding and housing him, the logic being you’re taking care of your future husband. And in the unlikely event you do marry him, you’ll of course assume full responsibility for him and the family. Surely you can see the trajectory, unless of course you want to delude yourself. If you must fool everyone, don’t fool yourself. You know exactly the bargain you’re getting with this guy. He knows too. It’s sex for social security cheques. You know you SHOULDN’T be in this relationship, not to talk of sleeping with him. You sold yourself cheap. What did you get? There’s nothing this guy is offering you, or can offer you. Not even the future. You know that already.

As if Satan has it really in for you, a false prophet has risen. Spiritual con. This false prophet is telling you to stick to this worthless fellow because he’s going to do you some unspecified good in the future. So everyone is taking at mickey out of you – your “boyfriend” and now the “prophet”. How did you even come across this false prophet? And how do you place your life and destiny in the hands of a charlatan? You desperately want to believe something – anything to justify your “investments.” Is it that God does not have your home address, or can’t talk to you directly that he has to address you through a charlatan? Surely, someone is playing on your gullibility. It’s a matter of time before you start doling your salary on this false prophet. You’re compounding what is ordinarily a common sense issue with false spirituality. Doesn’t your common sense tell you to run from this sort of guy? He’s a predator! If he can’t even keep his word on repayment of loan of just $27, then you’ll be foolish to believe his promises on marriage. And if you’re fighting over a mere $27, doesn’t that already give you a vision of what your marriage will be? Whatever you’re expecting from me you’re not going to get a pat on the back for these foolishnesses. Sometimes we need a lexical slap on the face to get us out of stupor. I hope this letter achieves that. If you put any further trust in this guy you’re going to end up with groundnut shells.

Successively, dating those you know will abuse you is in itself self-abuse. Why do you imagine you have no option but to accept base propositions in the name of ameliorating loneliness? Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Your life is the key ingredient! Such an approach already has an inbuilt failure mechanism. When relationship is approached as trial and error, you’ll likely end up in error. And you don’t have that much lease on life. You should be wary about a guy who says he wants to date you and ab initio begins to make a demand for money. Surely, morning shows the day in this kind of circumstances. He’s already shown his hand. Such a guy will always tell you he’s being owed arrears of salary. Only he’s not telling you it’s just last month’s. He’ll give you the impression there’s a backlog of eight months, not counting accrued benefits. But you’ll soon discover he’s only owed last month’s salary, at best two months. And there goes the collateral for your loan. When you confront him on the facts he’ll turn the whole thing into a fight, cheekily accuse you of not trusting him. It’s all a ruse and you ought to be smart. That “fight” is an act. He’s playing out a script he’s thought of in advance. At the end of the day, YOU will start feeling bad you ever asked for your loan repayment! The desperation for a relationship can lead us into the kind of temptation that’s going to make us pray to God, “Deliver us from evil.”

Isn’t it better to just wait for the right guy than desperately hitching your life to the wrong sort of fellow? Marriage is a life term. You can’t see the good guys as long as this guy keeps obscuring your view and judgment. He’s blocking your access. A good guy is a responsible guy. A good guy is not thinking of exploiting you. That’s who to date. If a guy’s value construct is that it’s a woman’s responsibility to assume responsibility for the needs of a man, you have a flight scenario. I’m surprised you’re perturbed he’s going after another girl because you seem “uncooperative.” Shouldn’t you be thanking God for deliverance and congratulating the new girl on assumption of onerous responsibility? She will soon learn of course. Most likely she’s advanced him a loan. It’s her first loan of course. She’ll advance many more. And when she balks, another girl will step up to the plate. He knows how to charm women, knows the right words to say. This is the kind of guy you should never disclose your bank balance to. You should never divulge amount in your savings account. He’ll come up with a business idea that just fits the amount of money in your savings account. He may leave you pennies. He’ll tell you this is your opportunity to help him. That tomorrow it will be his. It’s about your future together he’d say. That’s what he told the last girl before you. And the girl before the last. And the girl before that. You better forget your $54 loan and run. Regard it as the subscription cost for common sense.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Click To Tweet


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LETTER TO JACK

Possibilities

My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.

Your actions are motivated by love. Love gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Love softens a man, makes him go extra mile for his woman. Love makes a man protective. It makes him want to provision for his woman. Love says, “I’ve got something wonderful going on here and I want it to last forever. I don’t want to mess it up.” And sometimes the relationship slides even further to the right – positive right. There, there’s unimaginable joy. That’s when you can’t wait to get home to see her. You just want to be with her. All your inhibitions are down. You’re free and open with her. There are no walls, no pauses in your thought stream. There are no pretences or pretentiousness, no “poses.” It’s a place of nakedness, of sincerity of heart. That comes from knowing this woman is your partner, your partner for life. You’re bound together, for all of eternity. It’s the place you’re like a child. It’s a wonderful place to be in a marriage. There’s so much trust some questions don’t even arise. It’s the place of invested lives. Your issues of life are cross-invested in each other. When people see you together they can tell you’re in love with each other. And they’ll want what you have, assess their relationship by it. It doesn’t come automatically. It takes desire and a willingness to be naked with each other. It takes wanting a happy marriage. It takes wanting to trust your partner, taking the risk of being exposed as it were. It’s a place where lives are bound and the two parties are committed to the project of forever oneness. For both parties to benefit both must be committed to oneness. There are no other options.

However, relationships can also slide to the negative left. The negative left has a range from mild to extreme. You don’t want extreme. The mild left is a picture of your average disagreement, parties not wanting to talk to each other. Though mild, even at that it’s not a good place to be. There’s the pain of needed but unfulfilled love. It’s a place of misunderstanding. It’s a place of suspicion, of someone saying what hurts the other party – what should not have been said. You get out of that place by expressing your feelings to each other, not just your version of historical facts. You see, when you express your version of facts without touching on feelings, the feelings become residual pus, undrained. The disagreement will put both parties under severe stress. It’s disequilibrium. The peace in the relationship is disturbed. Both of you will dread coming back home after work. There’s that unresolved pain hanging in the air like a dead weight. Contains anger. To resolve the issue, it may be better to start texting each other about how you feel, well, well before coming home. Sometimes the work of reconciliation needs a long runway. By the time you get home the issues are at least largely known and on the table. Each party knows where the other is at. What matters is that by the time you get home you can say sorry to each other and reconcile. The focus ought to be reconciliation.

When there’s negative emotion in a relationship it brings about fear. You’ll start wondering at the definition of your partner. You’ll see your partner in a new light. Who she is changes in your sight, just as who you are changes in hers. And words can be spoken in anger at this time, regrettable words. You have to be mindful in expressing your pain during disagreement. The possible redefinition of your partner is why you have to quickly get out of the place of anger. Love can be hard at that moment. Those who know a great deal about marriage know how dangerous negative emotion is. Things can quickly spiral from there. Avoid negative emotion in your marriage. Positive emotion is always better. Learn to believe the best of your partner. But then there’s the extreme negative left. You don’t ever want to get there. It’s a place of abuse – physical, mental and emotional abuse. A marriage that makes flirting with extreme negativism normative soon finds itself unrequired. The negative end of the emotional range is a place of devaluation of worth. It’s where humans are drained of value. It’s not always expressed in shouts and anger. Sometimes it’s expressed in despite. Despite is a short leap to hatred. You shouldn’t despise anyone. You don’t want to be filled with hate. It takes a lot to get rid of hate. Hate comes from potent meditation on ill will. Hate destroys.

Now that you know the ranges of emotion in a marriage, it’s up to you what you want to do with the knowledge. The positive state is obviously better. Equilibrium and happiness are better. But people sometimes want to be proven right so they go for negative emotions. Only they trap themselves in the vortex. A marriage is full of possibilities. It’s up to both parties to determine the possibilities they desire; negative or positive. I do wish you the best in your marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Love gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Click To Tweet
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