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Read Letter

Don’t Confuse Your Lust With Love

Dear Jack,

I know women draw up lists but knowing what I know about life, I smile at such gestures. Life is not a supermarket. We have our wishes no doubt, but life often has ideas that render lists redundant.

Our lists represent the features we desire in a man or woman; what we want. But sometimes what we want doesn’t want us. And sometimes what we want is bad for us. Perhaps life rejects our lists out of kindness.

Then there’s the thing about men WANTING a relationship with the “babe” available in the local vicinity. The man starts creating scenarios in his head, conversing with her, imagining things, progressing the “relationship”. She may be…(how do I put this?)…the most significant in a rather unimpressive line-up of local options; but he’ll begin to see beauty compulsorily. (Men like to convince themselves they got the best deal)! He’ll tell himself “she’s not bad!” and drown himself in overwhelming deceit. He’ll begin to perform virtual plastic surgery, conveniently justifying unfavourable physiognomical features.

He’ll overwrite defects and talk of a particular obvious defect as “the very reason he loves” her! *SMH* He’ll isolate anatomical parts and begin to relish them. Those parts will atone for the incongruity of the whole, if indeed. He’ll force his desire to take on the shape of the image of the girl. Whatever she is becomes the definition of what he wants. And once he begins to imagine having sex with her, critical blindness envelopes him. The woman of course begins to enjoy the attention or even worship. This is love in Tokyo! And both parties begin to adjust to make things possible. Compelled desire and attention response begin to masquerade as love. And then he sleeps with her. Her value auto-deflates. It was a sincerity laced desire for sex afterall!

He now assumes power in the relationship and begins to discount her, brusquely brushing her off. That’s when he begins to complain openly that the girl “is troubling him!” Or “her wahala is too much!” He responds tersely to her texts with time delay sequence at first. Then he graduates to ignominy. No response! There’s actually a story in the Bible similar to this but not on all fours (I mean they didn’t text in those days)! The guy’s name was Amnon. He was crazy for this babe! Craaazy! Very fine babe! Became love sick! Eventually he raped her! But once he slept with her, he hated her! With a passion! And he treated her badly afterwards!

Moral: Don’t confuse your lust with love! Of course you can only date who life brings your way. Therefore your options are limited to what life presents, the girls that cross your path, or are recommended to you. The thing about lists is that there are deep things in the recesses of our hearts we don’t even know are there. You can’t itemise what you’re not aware of and there are things in you you’re not aware of!

You don’t know how much vanity is in you for example, until you date a beautiful girl, or who you think is beautiful! You’ll want everyone to know she’s yours with forced introductions. She’s an exhibit! (See your vanity?) Somehow, we can’t always articulate what’s in us. Lists don’t always work because life is not 2-dimensional. It’s at least 11D if we must believe quantum physics! (And I’m not saying don’t make lists. Just know their limitations).

There are many imperceptible considerations that go into choosing a partner. There are environmental factors, physical properties, soulish properties, spiritual dimensions, and history. There’s background, religion, educational standard, cultural exposure, concept of beauty, age, maturity, intellect, sartorial sense, professional status, personal temperament, prospect’s temperament, connections, trajectory, emotional accessibility, emotional capacity, sexual distribution, spending tendencies, relational properties, family, friends, peers, income level, comfort level, neighbourhood, values, mentorship, parental training etc. By the time you compound these with the changes going on in you and around you, you’ll realise how complex choice can be. It is for this reason you cherish a wonderful woman if you have one.

The probability of getting the woman that is just perfect for you is perhaps one in 25million, maybe more. That requires the computational power of a mainframe computer to crunch. The variables are too many. Don’t take your wonderful girlfriend for granted. Don’t play Russian roulette. You may just commit emotional suicide.

If you lose a good woman, you will have the unique privilege of looking back with regret, wondering what could have been. Now get on the phone and tell her how much you value and appreciate her 🙂

Your mentor, LA



©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Lust, Choosing, Spouse

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