My dear Jil,
If there’s nothing you learn at all, it is the fact that men are visual. Extremely visual! And if Jack can’t change the essential nature of a woman, you can’t change a man’s either. He is visual!
It’s why he turns to take a look when an attractive or beautiful woman walks by. He’s visually drawn to such spectacles like a child is drawn to bright colours. (But it must be moderated and controlled if he wants to have a good relationship with you). Men differentiate between beauty and attractiveness by the way. I’ll explain that to you some day but suffice for you to know that beauty is what men appreciate and admire; attractiveness is what they’re drawn to and chase after! You can be beautiful and not get a date!
You need to understand this visual thing. It is weighty with men and women don’t generally appreciate that fact. If they do, many girls will change their display pictures on Twitter, BB and Facebook, fast! I do hope you realise men enlarge display pictures to admire and create conclusions! DP is summary CV!
There are some very grave implications to this visual stuff. One, your assessment is anchored to what you look like first! The second level of assessment is what you sound like, but again I don’t want to go into this in this letter. This means in essence that no matter your inner qualities, if you’re not impressive on the outside the man may never know! Men look at outward appearance. Only God looks at the heart. And men don’t date spirits. Trying to prove a point by not paying attention to your look will not earn you dating credit!
Of course I recognise some men like bohemian tendencies; and some men like the plain au naturel look. But these men don’t represent the generality of men. As a dating pool, they’re miniscule. They’re a “niche market”. The contradiction comes for you Jil, when you adopt niche market features but then seek to date from the general pool. Looks matter to young men, and older men, and old men! You’ll understand when you meet your father-in-law!
Appearing to your boyfriend in hair rollers or hair net is not exactly an image he covets I assure you! When he comes over to visit he’s looking forward to seeing you made up, like you’re going out! Makes him happy! It’s a validation of his choice. Men constantly want validation.
Not taking your bath or appearing in bathrobe is even worse! Come on! Isn’t that what they call “taking him for granted”? “What about when we marry? Won’t he see me in net and unbathed?” But you’re not married now! *Puzzled* And I assure you smart married women know how to control their imagery in marriage. See, Adam took one look at Eve and came to startling conclusions! Since then men have been seeking insight from vision. All that bone of bone and flesh of flesh stuff came from visual witness, not prayer and fasting!
Incredible insight can be triggered by visual appreciation. Let me share the mechanics of this visual thing with you. Should be of help.
Men are visually attracted to the IDEA of a woman. Similitudes. He’s more interested in what your look SUGGESTS than FACTUALITY. He knows for example that you have Peruvian or Indian hair on your head but he doesn’t care the hair is not yours! It’s what that look SUGGESTS that matters to him. He deals in images. He was made from an image remember? Genesis? It’s also what makes him prone to deceit. You can’t know someone from their look though you can derive some insight from it.
Men are programmed like your phone. They have auto-visual-suggestion features. It’s the equivalence of auto text suggestion on your phone. Type in two letters and your phone has ideas. Men get ideas from visual cues. The question then becomes, what IDEA does your look SUGGEST? Chic? Sophisticated? Bush? Careless? Reckless? B*#ch? Smart? Men will relate to you accordingly.
Imagery is dynamic for men. Reaction varies with looks. It’s why he likes your hairstyle today, then reacts with a frown another day. It’s the same you but the looks are different. Some looks fit into his idea of his girlfriend, others not, hence the frown. A man feels he owns your looks! (You can’t understand that. Just take it as is). I know women sometimes dress to impress other women but you have to consider your primary constituency too!
When it comes to going out your boyfriend has only one thing in mind – to show you off! (Men can be vain!) At the cinema he’s doing cross assessment of other girls, scoring them against you! (If he scores you against them he doesn’t appreciate you, his thoughts are struggling. He’s thinking of leaving!)
If you’re dressed to the nines, even in casuals, and made up according to his IDEA of a beautiful woman he gets excited! Something pumps into his chest. He’ll start walking with deliberate “nonchalance”, like he’s the coolest dude on the planet! He’ll be slow, upright, confident, like someone negotiating to buy a private jet. (He only has money for tickets and popcorn, mind you!) He’ll begin to talk like one sympathetically accommodating all around him. He talks from elevation.
He’s saying to himself, “This one can’t match my girlfriend; this, may be; this one tried; and this ain’t bad!” It’s why he stares at you from a distance with that look that makes you want to ask, “What?!” Cross assessment and “asset” evaluation are going on, the asset being your look!
A wise woman knows how to inspire confidence in her man! It’s a vital role. Make it ministerial. Be a visual delight. See, when he comes visiting and it seems he’s not paying attention to you, or seems irritated or distracted or subtly distancing himself from you, or withdrawn, or aloof, or gone to another planet, or edgy or twiddling to go having just arrived, it may be because he’s disappointed in your looks. He’s mildly angry. You need to understand men! It may just be that net on your head! Lend it to a fisherman! Men can’t stand those nets!
He’s coming to see you today, isn’t he? You know what to do!
Your mentor, LA!
©Leke Alder 2013