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Read Letter

Build Your Self Esteem

Dear Jack,

Let’s talk about this self esteem thing. It’s affecting your ability to get dates so let’s deal with it. Self confidence is important but there’s a false version of it. You see that in the club sometimes.

A guy lacking in funds (and something else) declares free drinks for all, just to impress. Then he gets chased around town to settle his bills. He bought champagne on credit! How do you declare surplus on credit?! It’s false esteem, and it’s indeed foolishness to blow an entire month’s salary on alcohol. The guys will just down your salary, get disoriented on your salary and piss out your salary! (Pardonez mon Français). Such “declaration” is obviously no proof of liquidity. If at all, the salary becomes Liquefied Salary Piss (LSP).

Lack of self esteem is sometimes the result of not coming to terms with our past, our background – being ashamed of it. If you want to move in Rich Dad Rich Kid society and your parents are poor, to fit in you will have to edit your parentage. An edited history is a creative lie. If you don’t learn to come to terms with your history, you’re going to have self esteem issues. You can’t change your past. You can only design your future. Your present is your studio. Trying to impress others through senseless expenditure is no proof of importance. It’s a sign of foolishness. A senior friend once told me, if you earned it you won’t spend it anyhow. You won’t fritter it away. “Wanting to belong” is the colloquial expression of low self esteem.

It’s important you come to terms with the reality of your past. Your past is your leverage and motivation. It’s also important for you to learn to be yourself. Nothing boosts self esteem like being yourself, being real. Real women are looking for real men not phonies. Being real is economically cheaper for you. And it’s sustainable. Why pretend to be what you’re not. That’s strenuous! It’s going to take a whole lot to keep that going. It’s a high maintenance system that requires editorial discipline and you’re going to slip at some point. At some point the girl you’re dating with lies will discover the truth. Everything won’t add up. Now it’s up to her what she does with knowledge of the truth. She may choose to flow with the lie for example. What that means is your joint life now has a director and producer. That’s a real life drama series. Always better to start real. Better she knows you for who you are – your values, your vision and character. 

Now let’s talk about shyness. Shyness is a mild form of fear. It’s sensitivity to the possible reaction of people, what they might think. Shyness is pre-empting yourself before the fact. Acute shyness will prevent you from going on dates. It’s a signal of lack of confidence. It prevents dates. Unless the girl is the mature, understanding type who wants you, recognises your worth. (Or has an objective). She’ll make certain moves to encourage you, to put you at ease – because she chooses to understand. I must say however that it’s not a situation many women want. Shyness is indeed a turn off for many women. You have to overcome shyness. You’ve got to be bold. And the only way to be bold is to act. Boldly ask for a date. No one ever died from asking. The worst is a javelin. You only die once. But what if she says yes! Even inept nerds on Big Bang Theory get dates. And that includes Sheldon Cooper. He doesn’t even understand sarcasm.

On a date a good conversation starter is a honest expression of a good compliment and “Tell me about yourself!” Relax on dates. It’s not an exam. Don’t be self conscious. Forget about yourself. Die another day. What if the date doesn’t pan out? If it’s any quantum of solace, tomorrow never dies. Don’t beat the living daylights out of yourself. Never say never again. Stop worrying about Dr. No. You may get a skyfall.

Build your self esteem. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Build on your positives. Acknowledge the good things about you. Knowledge builds esteem. Study. Competence builds esteem. Be good at what you do. Cultural exposure builds esteem. Expose yourself to cultural knowledge. Study the arts. Become culturally literate. A good sense of humour also builds esteem. And I don’t mean you should try to crack attempted jokes. I mean being able to make fun of yourself, accrediting your limitations. Self deprecation is a sign of confidence.

Dressing also affects your level of confidence. Have you seen well dressed kids? Make the best of what you have or simply choose to be a simple dresser. That can be your style. Choice can be perplexing.

Intellect affects the level of confidence. Choose to know. Broaden your knowledge base. Diversify your knowledge. Your beliefs also affects your confidence level. Intelligent people believe they’re intelligent. And silence can be golden and powerful. Know how to use it. If you keep your mouth shut, nod your head a few times, purse your lips and utter “Hmn!” everyone believes you’re wise! If you keep your mouth shut nobody’ll know how you got your suit. There should be something called fashion wisdom!

In summary, be yourself, believe in yourself, reconcile your past, study, be wise, know how to say “Hmn”. Oh, have a sense of humour.

Your mentor says “Hmn!” LA.

NB: Forgot to add this: Alcohol is an overzealous self esteem booster. Gives too much esteem!


©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Self Esteem, Dating

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