Dear Jack, let me tell you how to get into trouble after marriage: Keep in touch with your ex girlfriend!
What are you doing?! Why are you scouring for trouble? You know she still has feelings for you. Why are you texting and calling her, speaking in that low sensitive tone as if you never married? It almost always begins with a “How are you?” A stiff “I’m fine, You?” “So so!” That’s at 9am. Then at 1pm your mind wanders. Now you want to know how she’s doing in her new unit at work. As the Good Samaritan you just want to make sure her feelings are okay; you know, smooth things over… Then she asks if you’ve eaten. You smile. Kind of reminds you of old times. You smile again. Sheepish smile. Then her ping comes an hour later, followed by “Missing you!” You hesitate, but to be polite you send back “Missing u 2!” And the texts proceed along that corridor, throw in one or two borderline comments and jokes. Then it becomes “Let me buy you a drink. For old times sake.”
Both of you know what you’re doing. You know you’re working to a common answer. You know you’re skirting an edge. But you really don’t know which edge it is, whether Sheol or Abyss. “Why not?!” she replies. “But you know I can’t be seen out with you. You are now MISTERRR! How about my new apartment. You haven’t seen it.” “Won’t mind!” you say, excited in your belly. You’re flirting with temptation and you know it. But you’re cool! Can handle it!
At the close of work you nervously drive to her apartment. She’s just a friend. You can visit an old friend, right? Well she’s waiting for you. She makes sure to kiss you on the cheek. Nothing untoward. A friend’s kiss. She’s just arrived from work too. Only you notice the apartment is rather too cool for that statement to be true. In fact she arrived an hour earlier to prepare for your arrival. She gave an excuse for early time off work. But she’s still in her work clothes. Still in stilettos. She’s checked her appearance, several times in the mirror. She adjusted her mammary assets, perked them up, loosened one button on the blouse. She’s still “corporate”, right? Just before you came in she adjusted her skirt, fixed her make-up. Quick fresh powdering, rouge, bloody red lipstick, with a bite of tissue to remove excess layer of application; flicked a fibre of hair.
You step in and she looks like a vision. The excitement of a secret liaison casts a glow on her smooth complexion. Won’t you sit down, she asks. Do you want a drink? She continues without your answer. You’re nervous. Your throat is dry. You swallow some saliva just to say Yes! You look at her with guilt feelings as she pours you an innocent glass of Coke. Nervous, you stand up. To look around the apartment. You like that painting. Which one? You’re backing her. Oh that one! Now she’s standing next to you. Close. You perspire under the skin. You know she wants you. And you want her. But who’ll make the move? You look at her. She looks up at you… those round eyes.
Why did I let you get away, she’s saying… softly, her hands on your chest. Then comes your kiss. It’s a tentative kiss. And then the kiss changes nationality. It becomes a French kiss. And the clothes start flying off. Greedily. Just like in the movies. You know you ought to stop. You know you can still stop. But you don’t. Then the clasp comes undone. The zippers follow suit. Like a Hollywood script. Now you’re an adulterer. “But every person is tempted when he is drawn away, enticed and baited by his own evil desire, lust, passions. Then the evil desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin…” (James 1:14-15 AMP).
There are relationships you must cut off once you marry. Especially relationships with high passion potential. In a marriage two is a company, three is a crowded stadium. You can’t want to crowd in your ex girlfriend into your marriage. You’re going to create trouble. Women are very territorial. And to a woman her marriage and her man are real estate. You can’t want to eat your cake and have it. Even if you’re cakes Boss Buddy of Carlos Bakery fame. How would you want to maintain a relationship with your former girlfriend while married? Would that girlfriend of yours permit it if the roles were reversed? Be honest with yourself.
Your ex girlfriend cannot be your best friend. I know some think it’s feasible but I know it’s not wise in marriage. You’ll shift the centre of gravity in that home. Your allegiance to your marriage won’t be total. You’ll start second guessing your wife’s ideas. Nothing will be ratified in that home unless the other she agrees. You’ll reduce the sense of security of your wife. She’ll resent the other she but you’ve made her powerless. She knows if push comes to shove you’ll choose your ex girlfriend. She won’t want to force the gauntlet. You can’t make your wife a second class citizen in her own home. The home belongs to her. She’s the Mrs. Your ex girlfriend has to accept that she lost. That the water has flowed by. You have to accept that too! She can’t be calling you at odd hours of the night. You’re not the fire brigade or emergency services. Don’t underestimate the intelligence of a woman. She can be very strategic. And she’ll execute her strategic objectives to the letter. Your ex girlfriend has an agenda.
This cocktail of the love of women you want to mix… Ask any experienced bartender, it’s lethal! Remember that I wrote you about contentment. You don’t arrive at contentment by deductive analysis. Contentment is not Oh, my wife is finer than Jane; or Oh, her hair is longer than Ngozi’s, therefore… Contentment is buying the product and refusing to look into any other shop window to see if you got the best bargain. Came across this from Solomon: “Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a promiscuous stranger?” That, my friend, is from an experienced bartender!
Oh, one more thing, In life we have to assume we’re human. Meditate on that.
©Leke Alder 2014