Dear Jil, you want to know why some women go for ‘bad boys’ instead of good men?! That’s funny coming from a woman. I should be asking YOU! I guess you’re asking because your friend broke up with your nice and responsible brother and went for a ‘bad boy’! But before we go on let’s clarify something. We can’t lump ALL women together. You’re a woman yourself. I understand you’re exasperated but it’s not true that women in general prefer bad boys. SOME women do. There are quite a number of factors. Not sure there’s a SINGULAR reason.
The human psyche is complex. It is influenced by many factors, including our backgrounds. Life is not 2D. Some women want excitement, some are fixated on a singular feature in a man, some are willful… Some are programmed by media, some by parents; some lack esteem, some are genuinely deluded… Some are in a rebellious state, some are hooked on sex, some are not thinking of tomorrow, some like danger… Some are lurching from one extremity to the other, from one relationship to the other – they’re relationship drunk… Some don’t care, some are not worldly wise, some can’t read character, some are young and foolish… Some get carried away with material possessions, some don’t evaluate consequences, some don’t think… Some have messiah complex – they want to save someone, imagine they can save someone… Some just want a man, any man; some want attention, some like pain… And the list goes on and on. And some have suicidal inclination! But the fact remains – “Bad company ruins good manners.” (1 Corinthians 15:33). The Amplified translation of that text is more explicit: “Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character.”
We hardly pay attention to the first part of the famous quote – “Do not be so deceived and misled! It means there’s a tendency for people to deceive themselves about wrong associations. That they’re prone to being misled about the outcome of a bad association. And nothing ruins like self conviction on a suicide mission. It’s a strange form of righteousness.
Once suicidal self righteousness sets in, stubbornness assumes infallibility. The stubbornness begins to display the demoniac capacity of the mad man from Gadara. The lady becomes truculent, belligerent, disputatious and bellicose. A siege mentality develops. You can’t get across to her. You can’t persuade her otherwise. And you can’t understand the obdurate pertinacity. I remember the story of a young girl who got involved with a married older man back in my days in the university. She was 17. He was 42, or more. There was nothing anyone could say to dissuade her. She soon moved in with him. Left her campus accommodation for his town residence. He was fairly comfortable for the naive needs of her tender age. He satisfied her immature emotional needfulness. She located a father image in him. He became her surrogate reality, the evaluation of which no voice of reason could audit or edit. He debauched her, introduced her to the throes of copulative indulgence. She became an acting adult. Gained 3 extra years. He then finagled her subscription to seducing doctrines of demons, away from the faith of the God of her father. Being curious, she was prone to intellectual deceit masquerading as spiritualism. He sliced her a piece of forbidden fruit. She broke his home, though some will call him an “Agbaya”. The English language lacks the wherewithal for that video word. Think of an adult seizing a candy bar from a four year old, the child weeping in tantrums – that’s an agbaya!
And now we’re all grown up, you realise every comfort she glorified she could have accomplished on her own, easy! She pre-emptively traded the promises of tomorrow for cheap imitation jewellery. What the West African Yoruba tribe appellate “panda“. Think of cheap brittle aluminium spoons. She woke up twelve years later, divorced, two children in tow. The novelty had since worn off. All that was left was the visually unenthralling, non appetising, off colour coagulated pasty dregs of regret. The liaison had run out of hormonal energy. But the damage was done. Her ego limped in a cast, her youth irreclaimable. What her young eyes thought was great turned out to be most ordinary. That man was bad news. Everyone knew it. She knew it. But she was stubbornly insistent on the combinatorially indefensible.
Youth by definition lacks experience. Experience comes with years. It is wisdom but it’s expensive. It is cheaper to subscribe to the wisdom bank of a sapient God. Interactive options are available. A compassionate God always warns us against bad choices. But we overwrite his warnings with our lusts and willfulness. That peace you don’t have as you ponder matrimonial progression with that man is God warning you. The deep unhappiness that settles on you like a heavy dark cloak as you contemplate a future with that man is God warning you. If you’re piloting a plane but discover half way through your journey you’re terribly off course… Do you persist in the wrong direction because you’ve expended time, energy and resources? Or do you turn around and absorb your costs to avoid being marooned, to have another opportunity? Some people are more concerned about the sunk costs in a bad relationship than happiness. Evil association always corrupts good girls. To interpret “Evil communication corrupts good manners” in modern idiom I’d say: Networking with contaminated servers makes us prone to viral infection.
A lack of self esteem can make us seek validation from those who should be seeking validation from us!
Think. Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder 2013