Dear Jack, the thing about men is that we’re prone to dating simulacra – images and representations. Men are visual and therefore they get carried away with imagery. The answer seems to lie in scriptures. The first man was made from the virtual raw materials of image and likeness. Thus men are prone to image and likeness. It’s why I tell women to LOOK good. Men are wired for looks, whereas women are wired for words.
Spoken words mean a lot to women. The Serpent understood this, as do modern serpents. Some women of course argue to the contrary about men and imagery. By conduct and look they want to prove a point. But such a point is a pointless point. The man can’t act contrary to his God-made nature. It’s a tall order. If a woman is good but doesn’t look good it will take a man of extra ordinary resourcery to appreciate the fact. But some people never learn. Life has taught me not to deny delusory privileges to one who insists on luxuriating in folly
Susceptibility to imagery has implications though. For one, it means a man can easily be deceived. A resolved and talented woman will simulate the imagery in his head to achieve determined objectives. If your ideal woman is Nicky Minaj for instance, a yellow wig and wild makeup should get the job done! This explains why some relationships are hot in the first few weeks but soon peter out in the ensuing weeks. The man was carried away with imagery. He toasted Nicky Minaj but the babe is Ngozi. And he soon realized! It follows that TV and other visual media have a great influence on men. Just why do you think Maxim sells!
The second implication of susceptibility to imagery is the ability of the man to deceive himself. He’s not looking for authenticity, he’s looking for simulations of authenticity. In other words, he’s going to date Miss Looks-like-talks-like-moves-like… Because of that he can completely miss the woman who loves him for the woman who acts like she loves him. And because young men can be so engrossed with sex he may end up dating the imagery of sexuality and miss true love.
The funny thing is that images simulate personality. The brain credits an image with personality. So when a young man meets a woman, if she looks like his TYPE of woman he credits her with the personality he wants. How many times have you heard men say, “She’s not my type!” It’s so true! Men deal in types. Commonsense dictates that imagery CANNOT be the only basis for choosing a life partner. Imagery is important, but values and character must not be discountenanced. They matter more. The “what” matters but the
“who” matters more. We know what your girlfriend is, but who is she?
To arrive at a wise matrimonial decision you must answer that question. What happens when your girlfriend takes off her make-up and she no longer looks LIKE Beyonce! Even if she tries she can’t be Bae 24 hours a day. Rules of makeup-ing dictate she must wash her face at night. Your girlfriend is in effect Beyonce in the daytime but Ngozi at night. Again, how many times have you heard, “You’re not the woman I married!” Of course she’s not! You married Beyonce but her father named her Ngozi. And when Ngo comes to become, Beyonce fades away! Just why do you think some women discard hot shorts for African wrapper after wedding! Go to any shopping mall on Saturday, sit near the movie theatre; you’ll see many Beyonced Ngozis. All it takes is a skimpy dress, high heels attachment and makeup. Some will even simulate the accent. Look atew!
Okay, jokes apart. All I’m saying is, go for authenticity. Imagery must be backed with substance. Suppose you go to a restaurant and you want to eat fish and chips. The waiter comes, takes your order. You begin to salivate… can feel the crunchiness of the chips, the savoury crush of the fish in angular cascades. The waiter comes and sets the plate before you. But instead of fish and chips there’s a picture of fish and chips. You think it’s just a plate holder, an imagery to boost your appetite until the meal arrives. But five minutes later the waiter appears and asks how are you enjoying your meal? You look at the waiter, look at your plate… You repeat the sequence. Something is amiss. You rub the top of the plate to indicate to the waiter it’s a flat surface, not a meal. The waiter smiles, says “I get it!” Then he goes back to the kitchen.
Five minutes later he brings another plate. Finally! You prime your knife and fork, and dig heavily into the fish; but something doesn’t feel right! It’s not fish. It’s actually rubberised plastic and you call the waiter to complain. But he vehemently tells you that’s what you ordered. Of course you’re apoplectic. You ordered fish and chips not plastic fish and chips. Is this a toy store you asked! The waiter takes umbrage at this. How dare you call the restaurant a toy store! Do you know how many people have eaten here, he asks. And he begins to reel off names – names of big men. He then names two of your friends. One has a sophisticated looking girlfriend. Only they always fight. She’s as fake as they come. Always trying to put on airs. Puts off everyone.
The other has a girlfriend who does look like Nicky, even acts like Nicky. Caught off guard she’s Ramota. Explains why they can eat here, you say. But you’re not into fake. You want authenticity, someone you can be yourself with, who knows you can be broke; you can eat with your hands in front of her, laugh raucously without awareness. She can belch (though decorously); she’s not pretentious.
While you’re still thinking, you suddenly come to yourself. You find you’ve been in your car all the while. You’re parked in front of KFC. And then a voice in your head says: “Jack, don’t go for realistic piece of fakery.” And then you wake up. You’ve been dreaming all the while, even about reading this letter!
Question: Shouldn’t you follow that simple advice?
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder 2014