My dear Jil,
It must have been harsh Wednesday for you, and I’m sorry about the breakup.
Throwing that party immediately after the breakup was not advisable. You were hurting and trying to prove a point at the same time. Both consume emotional energy severely. The last thing you want to do after a breakup is to prove a point it doesn’t hurt. It does!
Your nature is all-in-or-nothing. You don’t do half measures. You pour yourself into your relationships. On this you particularly went out on a ledge. You were fairly certain of marriage; though some might say you were ahead of the facts. Wanting to marry can do that to you.
Your pain is on three levels: there’s the break up itself. Breakup of any type hurts. Even among friends. Then there’s the issue of society. Just the fact that people are talking about you can be painful. All those people who showed up at your party… You know they’re talking about you don’t you? Some are sneering, some are happy, few are actually sympathetic. That’s the way of the world. Schadenfreude. And then there’s disappointment of expectation. You were already planning marriage in your head. Solomon says hope deferred make the heart sick. And any matter that can affect the heart is always puissant. Your heart is your core.
I’d say go away for a few days, away from everyone. You need to cry. You need to work the pain out of your system. Crying is therapeutic. It eliminates hormones related to stress, so cry! You just broke up! If you can afford a seaside resort, go. The sound of the ocean is therapeutic. Will lull you to sleep. You need sleep. Sleep all you can. Your body will shut down from stress anyway. Don’t try and do anything. You’ll eventually get over it, but the first few days are going to be tough. Heartbreaks are not easy.
And it’s okay to feel sorry for yourself. You lost a relationship. You SHOULD feel sorry for yourself! Go with a friend, someone who cares about you, someone you can be yourself with.
Your appetite may not be good for some days. But you’ve got to try and eat. Take walks. Long walks. Music is also therapeutic. Television draws energy. Requires concentration.
When you come back from your getaway get rid of mementos. That won’t be easy. Do it with a friend. Don’t keep things that remind you of pain. Create as much distance between you and the past. Those who don’t let go of the past disturb the future. Let go.
You’re going to feel lonely. Very lonely, and alone. That’s understandable. The vacuum will be there. But there are things you must avoid. Don’t hate. You don’t want to get into that. Don’t corrupt your soul. You don’t want to become life’s casualty – bitter, limping, walking about with emotional crutches. No matter what, forgive! But it’s not going to be easy. Ask for God’s help.
Don’t plot evil in your head against him. And don’t take the law into your hands either. A few years from now you may be thanking God you didn’t marry him. Time reveals everything. And don’t set out to prove to him he should have married you. That’s so unnecessary, a red herring. I know it sounds cliché but the truth is, all things will work together for your good. Someone more deserving will come.
Don’t rush into another relationship. It’s just going to be a rebound relationship. It’s not really what you want, you’re just seeking ameliorating comfort. Soul wounds tend to be deep. You need to heal inside. This is not the time to take major decisions. You’re not in a good state of mind. All what I’m saying to you won’t be easy. It’s enough to do what you can. Take each day as it comes.
You may want to take a few days off work – you can’t cope with this and the stress of work. You’re either going to break down, or you’re going to be temperamental. And unpredictable. I pray you have understanding friends, true friends. You’re not yourself at this time. You can’t be yourself.
And please don’t form an opinion about men because of this. “Men” didn’t do this to you, John did. If you create a life philosophy out of this bad experience, you’ll do yourself harm. Our life philosophies determine our paths and the outcomes of our lives. You can’t formulate a philosophy of pain as your guidance system in life. The temptation will be there but don’t. You shouldn’t hurt your future before you get there. Your top priority is to rebound, but you can’t rush it. It will take time. Time heals and healing takes time. Talk to God. God binds up the broken hearts. He said so himself.
One last thing: Don’t bother trying to explain to people what happened. Some just want to carry gist, to collect snippets of gossip to create string theory. Don’t bother trying to justify yourself to these people. It’s useless. If you have to convince someone about what caused the break, you already have evidence of prejudicial bias. Truth is, you don’t owe anybody any explanation. Those who love you will continue to love you. The more you repeat the paragraphs of your sorrow the more you pick at the scab of your wounds.
I’ll check up on you later but you’ve got to be strong. Beauty for ashes. That’s my prayer for you.
Your loving mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org