WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT
Dear Jack, of course physical attraction matters in a relationship. Life is not generic. We all have our taste. Don’t listen to those who over-spiritualise relationship. They’ll spiritualise Pure Water. Attraction matters! It’s dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to. You’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.
Attraction was the problem in the love triangle made up of Jacob, Leah and Rachel. And look at the consequences! Jacob wasn’t attracted to Leah. But he was tricked into marrying her. His heartthrob was the bombshell Rachel. Attraction affects loving. And it got so bad even God acknowledged Leah was unloved. A man’s love is influenced by the attractiveness of his wife. That’s a major fact and you can ask any honest married man. You run the risk of not loving your wife if you’re not attracted to her. The complications that attended Jacob’s family history are the direct result of the lack of affection for Leah.
Lack of affection creates major problems in a marriage. And your attractiveness to your wife will determine the state of sexual congress between both of you. You can’t be in a marriage and have no physical taste for your wife. You can’t endure your wife! You will create major problems for yourself. And your wife won’t understand why you don’t want her. How are you going to tell the truth? You’ll come across as most cruel.
Usually problems of physical attractiveness are masked by early arrival of babies. The wife devotes attention to the babies and hardly notices the lack of physical interest by her husband. But it’ll be a matter of time before you begin to give her the Leah treatment. Women know when a man doesn’t love them. You don’t want a dutiful marriage. You want a marriage full of love and affection. You want romance. Jacob’s father, Isaac was the romantic type. That’s where Jacob was coming from – was used to open display of affection. His mum was beautiful and romantic too. History records Isaac was “sporting” with her. “Sporting” is 17th century expression for fondling. Just means Isaac was fondling his wife. Someone spotted them at it. So there’s all that fondling and kissing that goes on between husband and wife… If you’re not physically attracted to your wife you’ll miss out on it. “Sporting” is not dutiful. Of course commonsense dictates that attractiveness should not be the sole basis of a marital choice. There’s character, intellect, temperament etc, but the physical matters!
What is attractive to one man may not be attractive to another. Cultural exposure influences taste. For some men the mammary glands are a major force of attraction. For others it’s the derriere. [I hope your avuncular uncle is not embarrassing you; I believe the reason you wrote me is because I say it as it is!] For some men it’s the face that matters and for others it may just be the legs. For some men it’s the hair, and for some others it’s the neck, especially slenderised long necks. Some men prefer babes with chocolate tone; others prefer light babes, and some charcoal complexion. Some like big girls and some like slim women. And others are in-betweeners. Somewhere in this polychromatic and ancillary variegatedness lay combinant features suitable to every man. But the commonest reference for men is the anterior glands. Solomon said as much: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you always.” Then he says, “May you always be captivated by her love.” So we know physical attraction can hold a man.
He warns you however not to spill your semen on the streets, “having sex with just anyone.” And not to “fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman.” (Solomon’s words) According to Solomon therefore, a woman’s breasts and physical features captivate and attract men.
If you marry someone you’re not attracted to, you’ll put sexual pressure on yourself. One of the words translated love in the Bible is “eros”. Yep, you got it. It’s from that word we got the word, “erotic”. There are four ancient words for love – agape, philia, storge, eros. Agape is translated unconditional love. Let’s just call it fundamental love. Philia is friendship. Philadelphia was named after it. It literally means “brotherly love”. Storge is the natural love of a parent for his or her child. It’s familial love. Then there’s eros. It’s sexual love. You should be sexually attracted to the woman you want to marry. That’s not saying you should be all over your girlfriend. I’m just saying sexual attraction is a qualitative factor of a healthy relationship.
Spirituality does not negate physical attraction. Couples who ignore it are still going to pay for it in prayers. Negligees and the like are designed to stimulate erotic love in a marriage. Buy them for your wife! Sensual music also plays a part in stimulating romance in a marriage. And Solomon wrote a few. (You obviously can’t use praise-worship songs for romance! That should clarify the issue of music listenership).
Let me share some of the phrases from Solomon’s lyrics: “Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.” So kissing is romantic. “How fragrant your cologne; O most beautiful woman.” So cologne is cool and toasting is okay. “I am weak with love… Your lips are like scarlet ribbon, your mouth inviting.” So lipstick is a seducing factor. Sensual. “Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates.” So it’s okay to use rouge to accentuate the face. “Your breasts are like the two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle.” Again, we see breasts are sensual influencers for men. If physical attractiveness is not important, or unholy, why would God put all these stuff in the Bible?
Marry the woman you consider beautiful and whom you’re attracted to. Don’t ignore the physical. There’s no spiritual standard for physical beauty. We’re all influenced by our backgrounds and exposure.
Don’t allow anyone choose a wife for you. They’ll be choosing THEIR taste in women. They can’t know your secret taste.
© Leke Alder 2014