Dear Jack, I don’t think you should be under any illusions concerning your girlfriend even though you’re in love with her. You’ve got to come to terms with the facts of your partner, the reality concerning her. That you deny facts about your partner won’t make them go away. Closing one eye and looking at life with one finger right in front of the other eye presents an eliminated slice of reality.
Your girlfriend is negotiating control by systemic withholding of affection. Unfortunately she’s operating under serious assumptions, even presumptions. Presumptuousness leads to over-estimation of oneself in a relationship. It’s delusionary. People tend to believe the script of their own delusion like it’s some catechism, and that’s a tragedy of faith. Your girlfriend has a distorted reality of self. She’s mistaking pride for self esteem. Pride is an amazing thing. It’s blinding! You’re not going to succeed at your relationship allowing her to do as she pleases irrespective of your feelings.
Tolerating in courtship what you can’t accommodate in marriage is a creative process for pain and anger. By the time you seek to assert yourself after marriage there’s going to be so much resistance. She’s used to doing things as she likes whenever she likes according to her whims of nature. Stop pretending your fiancée lacks deficiencies. The deficiencies are so glaring one probably needs sunshades! She’s willful, controlling and I dare say, unwise. She has a mild case of “No one can talk to me!” It’s a prideful and presumptuous status.
Pride most times is not what we think it is. We tend to confuse pride with boastfulness. You can be prideful without being boastful. If no one can correct you or speak to you, you’re already in pride. A wise man or woman will subject himself or herself to the possibility of correction. If it must be your way and your way only irrespective of the voice of reason, you’re in pride. Humility is open to points of view. And when we seek to be in control of that which we’re eminently under-qualified for, willfulness and pride are at play. Pride is a harbinger of humiliation, the John the Baptist of a certain fall. Pride is an elevated distortion of realism. It substitutes assumptions for facts.
If your girlfriend is so willful, you probably need to be firm. Or her tendencies will keep distorting your levels of happiness. As it is you’re on an emotional yoyo ride. Up today, down tomorrow. There is that arbitrariness of willfulness. It’s either you keep suffering in silence or you take a stand. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t. Your girlfriend won’t stop. And doesn’t care how you feel. Her sensory mechanism is compromised by willful nature. As long as she gets away with it she won’t stop. And this relationship can only work for you if you assert quiet authority. She’s going to keep stretching your latitude until she fully boxes you into a corner.
She’s just exploiting your relationship selfishly, because she perversely wants to be needed and wanted. It’s why she flips her emotional needs to make it seem you’re the one pursuing her and she’s doing you a favour. It’s an inverted psychological state. And she lacks the wherewithal to carry it through. The pride is based on nothing. She wants to be in charge of your relationship, to be in control and regulate it. It’s why you keep fighting over trifles. You shouldn’t get used to that kind of thing by the way. It’s wearying.
One of the most common issues in relationships is a clash of wills. But it’s not just the facts about her you need to reconcile yourself with. You must reconcile yourself to yourself too. Be realistic with yourself about yourself. That can prove difficult for some. But that’s because they don’t want to face reality about their humanity. One of the most potent things you must reconcile about yourself is your sexuality. It’s why you have lusts. Remember what you said about that feeling, you have to call this other girl every time you quarrel? That’s it right there!
Be real with yourself. If you over-spiritualize your humanity you’re going to land yourself in trouble. Over-spiritualization is a naïve and ignorant simplification of life. Truth is, you don’t know how well you’ll handle riches and power if obliged. Life is a continuous learning curve. No one has yet experienced the next step of his life. And there are too many acting supermen. Be realistic. Don’t mistake grace for valor. And grace does not negate commonsense. When Joseph took off from Mrs. Potiphar he was being realistic about his humanity. She was a dangerous woman!
You’ll soon be married. Don’t assume marriage kills lust. You’ll still need personal discipline after marriage. I wrote that in respect of those feelings you said you have for this other girl every time you quarrel with your girlfriend. Marriage only provides a societally accepted resolution for depressurization of lustful desires. Doesn’t take away lust. We all have our struggles, we all have our demons, and imperfections. There’s no human without one, even our heroes. But don’t allow your passions assume control over your life. Limit their jurisdiction. If you ask me, the real danger is not all those things you listed. The real danger is the beast in you. Fear your beast. Tame your dragon. Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org