Jack, what she wants is your vulnerability and that can be scary. And not after all you’ve been through. It’s why you’re guarding your heart, holding back on the inside of you. You’re afraid of being exposed, not to her, but being exposed at all. You know she’s not your problem. She’s absolutely trustworthy. And she’s poured her life into the relationship. She’s in 200% – it’s total commitment for her. She loves you that much. But you’re holding back. And I understand. It’s not even about “What if…” It’s just that you’re wary of life. It’s more about being in control, not so much about being afraid of being hurt.
Unfortunately, she keeps pushing, keeps demanding through her loyalty and faith in your relationship. For her, her ship has found a harbor and you can’t understand that – how someone can be like that, be that vulnerable. It’s strange. But that’s the way of love. You’re just not used to being loved at such a deep level. It’s why you can’t understand her. And so the danger to the relationship is not her. The danger is you. You know it, she has an inkling of it, hopes against hope against possibility of something untoward. She’s afraid of that independent streak of yours, that slight detachment on the inside. It’s why she needs so much affirmation. She knows she’s at the mercy of your love. And so you’re a lucky man, and not a lucky man. You’re lucky in the sense that many men are praying for her – someone who’ll love them without reservation. But you’re unlucky because you need to muster emotion for the relationship and emotions don’t come easy for you.
You seem to use your emotion for work, convert it into some form of energy. (Emotion is convertible). And you don’t like the fact you’re being sucked in by her vacuum machine. She’s resolute without design. Love is vulnerability. It’ll always be. Love makes the heart vulnerable. It’s why trust is required in love, why we need assurances. You get your assurances by her character, loyalty and disposition. She needs your assurance too. Question is, what assurance are you going to give her? Words are the easiest communicators of assurance of course but words are not the assurance. Ultimately, the assurance is your strength of character, who you are – what you’ll do, what you won’t do. The assurance is your public commitment to her, of unbreakability of the bond between you. The assurance is the discouragement of the ideas of an interloping divisor – be it your mother, an ex, or an aspirant. The assurance is the cards and notes you send, not just for her consumption but for the consumption of the public. It’s why sending her flowers in the office is more powerful than sending the flowers home. One is a public affirmation of affection, with PR value for her; the other is a private conversation. It’s not of much value to her sense of security though it retains essential value. But you’re afraid of doing these things because of “what ifs” that are nonexistent really.
It seems like too much exposure for you, but like I mentioned to you she needs your assurances as well. You already have yours in her. She’s yours totally, unequivocally, irrevocably. It’s why she always seems happy, always seems pepped up and you can’t understand. It’s because you haven’t come to terms with being in love. But you are anyway. Just that you haven’t totally reconciled yourself to her. How did you feel when she traveled? Of course the first day or two was liberating. Men sometimes feel that way. But by the third day you started missing her. That’s your clue right there. If you’ve ever said to yourself, I don’t want to lose her, that’s your clue right there. She’s become an essential feature in your life, someone you can’t live without, don’t want to live without. She’s sometimes fearful and takes defensive steps to protect her turf. She doesn’t want any spoilers. She’s happy because she dwells in that realm of dreams where you know you have your man and he loves you. Or at least you want him to love you in a way you want to be loved. She’s acting that out. Not easy to describe. And so you’re sometimes like a spectator. She’s your spectator sport. You just marvel at her.
Love is a uniquely invigorating substance. It mashes up the brain, producing a feeling of walking on Cloud 9. Though why we say Cloud 9 and not Cloud 4 or Cloud 10 I really can’t tell, but you get the point. Cloud 9 is a good place to be. It’s soul health. But you require faith to get there. Exercise faith. Yes, humans can change, and even flip. Happens. But you’ve got to give your love for her a chance at least. Just a smile from you will make a big difference. Smile from a good heart. She can detect your heart. Women are very sensitive to moods- slight variations of it, the slightest of changes. And I’m sure you’ve seen she’s perceptive and intuitive as well. She doesn’t need to process information to know things. She says things she otherwise shouldn’t know and you wonder. That’s intuition.
Security is her No. 1 concern. Work on that. She wants to be secure in your affection, secure in your emotions, secure in your plans, secure in your love. And I’m afraid you have to convey that daily. Loving takes effort. Loving is responsibility. Just try. That’s all it takes. Try.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org