My dear Jack, thank you for your mail. Let me give you a simple quiz – one or two questions for you to consider: If a guy constantly beats up his girlfriend, do you think wedding will change this habit and auto-reform him? If the girl in question were your sister, would you advise she goes into marriage with such an abusive boyfriend? And if she does go into marriage with this abusive guy would you be surprised he turned out to be a wife beater? Wouldn’t you say that the marital abuse was predictable and fairly certain given his antecedents? And that short of a miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus, such a man’s behavior is highly predictable?
The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to be a prophet to know how some marriages will turn out. The facts are rather apparent. You don’t need a futurologist to tell you the obvious. An abusive marriage is many times a simple progression of an abusive courtship. Jesus tells us weather is predictive of outcome; that patterns are indicative of natural phenomena. And so if it’s cloudy you know it’s going to rain. If it’s sunny you know it’s going to be bright. By the same token, if he’s cloudy you know he’s going to rain punches on your sister. If your sister ignores the weather forecast and gets soaked, can we blame God?
The same logic applies to you. You won’t be able to blame anyone for the outcome of marriage to this woman. It’s fairly certain she’s going to cheat on you and break your heart – in a very massive and messy sort of way. The signs are there, but you’re too much “in love,” though I don’t know what kind of love that is! Is love a disaster?! People sometimes talk about love as if it’s something that’s supposed to bring pain and trauma. That unless the heart is badly messed up one hasn’t fallen in love. Where did we get these definitions of love from? If you see danger ahead and still plunge ahead kamikaze style into marriage that’s not love, it’s foolishness! If the signs of danger are obvious but you persist, it means you desire whatever the outcome.
This girl you’re dating is a serial cheat. You know she will cheat on you yet you want to plunge ahead into marriage. If you already know she will cheat on you why do you want to go into a fidelity combine with her? She cheated on her last boyfriend with you, while also sleeping with her boss. She calls the consistent sleeping with her married boss “moment of weakness.” That’s a rather long moment. And she must be having regular moments of weakness judging by her prodigious capacity. In which case you’d better get ready for many such moments in marriage. You already have trust issues in this relationship. How then is marriage going to work since it’s a trusteeship? Marriage is a trusteeship of two souls. It’s why divorce is very intimate in devastation.
And it gets worse. She already told you she’s not in love with you (though she loves you!). Isn’t it obvious she’s telling you if she had a choice you wouldn’t be the one, that her heart is somewhere else? Can you justifiably blame her if she cheats on you in marriage given all the facts? She says she’s trying to make both of you work, like relationship is some difficult equation that won’t budge. As is, this marriage you’re contemplating may not last a year. And that’s being generous. Your girlfriend only does well when a relationship is clandestine. Stolen melons are sweeter. She loves danger, the thrill of avoiding getting caught, not being found out. It’s why she enjoys cheating. Once the relationship becomes official and out in the open the thrill is gone and she loses interest. In other words, she’s a thrill seeker who loves danger – the perching on the edge of the ledge. Cheating challenges her intellectual impulses, fuels her with adrenaline.
You can’t see this obvious fact because you’re enraptured. She has you in a coital vice grip. She loves the idea of keeping the committed party in the dark – the idea of a clueless boyfriend. It’s why she successfully dated three of you at once. It was an intellectual game for her – keeping the others ignorant. Your girlfriend is a man-juggler. She juggles men and affection. Only when her married lover renounced their liaison did she suddenly realize the desire to marry you. She had no man left, having broken with her other boyfriend. You’re all she had left of the balls she juggled. What were YOU doing in a quadrilateral relationship in the first place?
Wouldn’t it be considered asinine you’re even contemplating marriage to her? And she’s already planning the nuptial of a connubiality she railroaded you into, making you propose to her. And you feel you’ve won a trophy. You have a last man standing mentality. But what have you won? Doesn’t the weather already portend what would happen in this marriage? What are you going to do when you find out she’s been cheating on you, as expected? Isn’t it obvious your proposed marriage is going to end up in bitterness and emotional trauma? How is your heart going to handle the pain and disappointment? And when the realization hits you she’s been cheating on you, making you feel like a fool, what are you going to do? You are setting yourself up. You will have no one to blame but yourself.
Here’s the passage I alluded to earlier: “He replied to them, When it is evening you say, It will be fair weather, for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be stormy today, for the sky is red and has a gloomy and threatening look. You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times.” Can you read the weather forecast?
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder firstname.lastname@example.org