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Second Option

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Dear Jack, I really don’t know how it would work, and my philosophy is, if it won’t work, don’t force it to work.

The reason it won’t work is because you’re emotionally and temperamentally dissimilar. She’s obsessively peripatetic – all over the place like an itinerant pilgrim of life. Can’t stay in one place. You on the other hand don’t even like to go out. You don’t like to go to events, don’t like to socialise. The problem is not so much geographical displacement but the fact she’s a dispersoid. Will you feel she’s “there” for you? Who are you going to relate with when she’s “away” even when in the same town? And she’s going to be perpetually away!

My fear is, you may at some point feel she has no time for you. And that’s dangerous in a relationship. It can lead in every possible direction and create justification for divorce or infidelity. I think what you’re looking for is a “fit.” And no one can define what “fit” is. It’s otherworldly. But a fit feels like a fit. It’s not all those specifications we write that determine a fit. Some things, maybe, but most things, no. We don’t even know what we really, really want. We tend to specify our cultural programming. Most of us are merely desiring what TV and other media programmed into us, as well as images from our background.

But when you do meet that someone, you just know it in your heart, not in your head. There’s a natural resolution in your heart, an ease, as if you’ve always known the person, like your history goes back. Truth is, we “detect” a wrong partner from the very beginning, but the desire to have a relationship overwrites it. We get carried away with looks, or our sexual state makes us gloss over facts that are staring us in the face. When two people are meant for each other, there’s a natural magnetism of the soul. A relationship is conceptually a natural thing. Artificiality or coercing of emotions defeats the very essence.

Sometimes people go into a relationship based on those spurious technical specifications taught in campus fellowships… But of course a few weeks after the initial euphoria, the guy doesn’t feel “it” any more. And he can’t understand why. It’s because the whole thing is so artificial and unnatural, mechanical, contrived, simulated, plastic. Someone wrote me the other day to please send a list of topics to discuss during dating period. HOW?! Once you start drawing up a timetable and scheduling topics for discussion for dates, something is definitely wrong! It just seems curious that a 23-year old and 21-year old would want to be doing Bible study on a date. Can someone please be real! People on dates go to movies, eateries, parties, plays…they gist! Why do Bible study on a date?! And that’s how pretentiousness is incorporated as a regime in a relationship. The couple will pay later. Once you replace natural affection with simulation in a relationship, you’re looking for trouble down the line.

The successful engineering of such a relationship is unfortunately cited as proof of its actual success. But no one checks the quality of love, degree of happiness, or level of affection in the marriage. Might be endurance. That a couple meets societal or religious standards of longevity of marriage doesn’t mean they’re happy. Longevity of relationship without happiness is incubated depression. What you’re seeing is coping mechanism. And one day the guy will just go crazy, or the girl goes crazy, and everyone is suddenly surprised. The quality of a relationship should naturally create longevity in the relationship. The way couples celebrate anniversaries sometimes… It’s like thank God we made it for another year!

There must be happiness in a relationship. Why be in an unhappy relationship? Why proceed into catastrophe and depression in the name of getting “married”? If she doesn’t love you, you can tell. You’ll know. You may decide to fool yourself but you know when someone loves you. And sometimes people are just holding on till the real dude comes along. In which case, you’re just a placeholder. A loveless marriage is psychological solitary confinement, an emotional imprisonment of the unimaginable variety. Don’t go into a relationship with a woman you can’t hold. At some point you’ll lose her, before or after marriage. And she may be with you physically but not emotionally. That’s terrible and you’ll suffer. You ought to be a destination in a relationship, not a transit hub, or bus stop. It’s hard holding on to a woman who sees you as interim enjoyment administrator.

It’s also hard being in a relationship in which you’re giving your 100% and the other party is donating 10%. It’s a case of the pig and the chicken. The pig donates himself as ham but the chicken donates eggs. Is she fully invested in the relationship is a legitimate question. Is she committed or just waiting for a better than you? You stand a huge chance of disappointment if she’s still looking out, hoping for someone better than you. Even if she marries you, the fact remains you came in second, only the man for the pole position didn’t show up. She’ll always feel she deserves better than you. Or you’re not the man she truly wants. She’s in a management contract in your relationship. She’s just managing you. That means you can’t get her all from her, or get what you deserve as a spouse when you marry. She’ll always believe but for providence she wouldn’t have married you, and it will slip out at social events. She may neglect you to speak to the “class” of people she feels she belongs at parties or events. And you’ll put undue pressure on yourself trying to keep her. You’ll be an inferior proposition in your own marriage. If you’re getting a raw deal or half deal, don’t go into the marriage. You want 100% commitment.

I’ve often told you marriage is potent. It’s life’s most potent institution. It should not to be trifled with. A wrong marriage can leave you bitter and angry and vengeful. Isn’t prevention better than cure? We’ll talk again next week.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Tags : Dating, Compatibility
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