Okay, let’s talk about this “fit” we’ve been talking about. You see, there are three pressure points for men when it comes to relationship. They are the head, the heart, the groin. The order of course depends on each man. For some people the groin comes first, for others it’s either of the other two. A good choice takes cognizance of all three though. But different weights are attached to each by each individual. The groin factor is of course easy to understand. By groin I’m referring to physicalities, and sexual attraction. But you can’t base a marriage decision on your groin only. Sex alone won’t and can’t sustain a marriage. There’s more to marriage than sex. The sex will lose value fast if your partner lacks character. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying sex is unimportant. It’s a powerful drive. But it’s inadequate to sustain a marriage.
The second factor in the marital fit architecture is “head”. This refers to your rational acceptance of the woman. It’s wholly dependent on the profile you have of her, and how you see her vis-a -vis you. Can you respect her as a person? Does she “get” you? Will she make you happy? Will she give you peace? Do you feel she’s the best for you, or you’ll rather date someone else? Does she care for you? Does she want you? Can you handle her age, whatever it is? Can you handle her accomplishments? These are rational questions, and they demand answers in your head. They go to issues of fidelity and satisfaction. The answers to these questions will determine the confidence you have in pursuing the relationship. And your conviction. The answers may not please everyone, but at least you know why YOU’RE in the relationship. Men need rational answers to justify their choices. That’s because men often interrogate their marital decisions. When life challenges your decision, or society examines your choice, you have to have those rational answers in you. Without the rational answers society will shake your faith in your relationship, even make you ashamed of what you have. You will then become ambivalent.
Some men have been known to withdraw from relationships at this stage. They won’t withdraw abruptly. They just stop picking calls, or they reply texts late, avoid visits, embargo outings. That’s a drawn out withdrawal. It just means something has intervened to change the man’s mind about the relationship. Without self-conviction about dating her you will soon find her inadequate. And you’ll disrespect and treat her shabbily. You’ll be ashamed of her in the company of your friends, treat her like a libidinous quantity of no permanent value. You won’t be proud of her, or what she does, or her achievements. You’ll be reluctant to make introductions. And you’ll always compare her with others, especially the girlfriends of your friends, and wishing she could be different. You’ll even be ashamed of her in family circles. You won’t defend her as you should. And it’s a terrible thing to date someone who’s ashamed of you. If you have no conviction about her you won’t regard her opinion. You’ll do everything to hide her, not showcase her. But then all the sexual attraction and all the rational conviction in the world are not enough. You need a balanced equation.
The third component is the “heart”. Heart characteristics are important. And the first and most important “heart” characteristic is the quality of her heart. Is she kind? Is she nice? Is she good? Then you’ve got to look at character. It’s important she has character because it goes to the issue of trust. If she’s a constant liar for instance you won’t be able to trust her word. And she may be manipulating you. You won’t trust her phone calls or texts. You won’t trust her word about where she’s been. You’ll become FBI and Holy Police rolled into one. You’ll almost mount surveillance cameras. (Some men do!) It’s never advisable to marry someone you don’t trust, or can’t trust. You’ll just give yourself hypertension. You can’t be doing forensic examination of your girlfriend’s utterances. It’s wearying. It will always put you on edge. You want someone you can trust intrinsically in a relationship. And that goes to the issue of values as well. A synergistic value system is most important in a marital equation. The more values you share with someone, the more robust the relationship will be. If you believe in hard work and she does not, at some point you’re going to clash on that value. Date someone you share values with. Don’t be carried away with mere looks. It’s skin deep, literally.
Character also goes to the issue of self-submission in a relationship. You can’t be out of control in a relationship. A wilful partner will hurt and wound you in many ways. She will do what she likes, even when she knows it’s not right. She can even betray confidential information, you know, just do it. That’s because no one can talk to her. She’ll do whatever she feels like, or thinks is right in her opinion. Those opinions are often wrong but she’s highly opinionated. A wilful person somehow never imagines consequences. She dares consequences. It’s hard to date such. But there is a very important heart issue to consider – love! Does she love you? Do you love her? Sometimes people are trapped in wrong decisions. Though in a relationship without love they can’t get out. The longer a relationship, the more difficult it is to exit on the excuse that love was never there ab initio. The rationale of absence of love ab initio is betrayed by the longevity of the relationship. You shouldn’t feel OBLIGED to marry someone. If you don’t love someone don’t go into the marriage. You’ll pay a heavy price for such wrong-headed dutifulness. The price is denominated in unhappiness and depression. Don’t play with unhappiness in marriage. It’s proximate to clinical depression. Visit psychiatric hospitals for confirmation. When the three factors come together – the heart, the groin, the head, then you have a virtual “fit”. And please don’t buy into “the love will grow” syndrome. Let it grow before you say, “I do!” What if it never grows! You have just one life. Don’t stake it on a bad marriage. Don’t go into what you’re not convinced about. I wish you a very happy future with a loving and kind woman.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org