My dear Jil, the chemistry you want in your marriage doesn’t come cheap. It takes effort. There are two phases of a relationship. There’s the attraction phase and there’s the maintenance phase. The adrenalin in the attraction phase constitutes a magnetic quantity that keeps a relationship cemented. But that phase will come to an end at some point. Then begins the maintenance phase and thence people struggle. Relationships need refreshment and they need maintenance.
You will find correlative wisdom in what I’ve just said in this ancient text: “The end of a thing is better than the beginning thereof.” There are thus two clear phases of a relationship – the beginning and the rest. We hardly struggle starting a relationship. Maintaining the relationship is where we most struggle. A lot of relationships that don’t work out don’t mean the parties were not meant for each other. There are people meant for each other who refused to work on their relationship, and then they’re not meant for each other! The thing about relationship or marriage is, it takes two to maintain but just one party is needed to destroy it. It’s why selfishness is anti relationship. It’s also why self-centeredness is anti relationship. When a relationship persists despite the selfishness of one party, it just means the other party is longsuffering.
Incredible chemistry in a marriage or relationship takes effort on both sides. The starting point is that both of you DESIRE to have a wonderful relationship or marriage. Without a DESIRE for a wonderful relationship or marriage, everything else is just wishful thinking. And desire for a wonderful marriage means that both of you have pledged in yourselves to hold tight in love. It means both of you have decided to find self-sufficiency in the marriage or relationship. And that you’re resolute to remain one no matter what. That you’ve resolved you’ll always love each other. And so after desire comes resolve.
You must not only desire to have a good marriage, you must RESOLVE to have one. That resolve to have a wonderful marriage keeps third parties out. There’s trust and fidelity in the relationship. Love believes the best of the other party. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love never insists on having its own way. Love is loyal. Love is humble, it’s not proud. And you have pride in many forms in relationship. Insisting on having one’s way is pride for example. You have to be sensitive about your partner. You must read the nuances. They’re subtle. Don’t be a blunt instrument. And you should know. You’re a woman. Women communicate a lot in nuances. He needs to read your nuances too, just as you read his. But when arbitrary wilfulness enters a relationship, it’s a death knell of someone’s emotional health.
Incredible chemistry means being able to read each other. Incredible chemistry means being sensitive to the likes and unlikes of the other person. Incredible chemistry means having good thoughts about the other person, being positive in attitude. Incredible chemistry is constant emotional giving, constant emotional support, from both sides. Incredible chemistry means constant adjustment, and constant negotiation of emotional dynamics. Incredible chemistry means caring for one another, genuinely caring in present continuous tense. Incredible chemistry means your lives are each other’s projects. He’s your project, you’re his project. Incredible chemistry means letting each other be. You’re different no matter how much the same you imagine you are. Incredible chemistry is lovingly accepting someone and celebrating that essential someone. These things don’t come automatically. Effort is involved. If you want a good relationship, work on it. If you won’t stir because it’s inconvenient, it means you have a relationship of convenience. And it will conveniently break up.
Understanding is key in a good relationship. When a man has an understanding wife, he sings the doxology in his heart. Knowing each other and accepting each other creates understanding. There can’t be understanding without knowledge. Knowledge is the basis of understanding. A relationship is a long-term proposition. You have to put in investment if you want long-term results. And you can’t keep threatening a relationship. At some point the other party will oblige. If every time there’s a disagreement you threaten to quit, you make the other party wary about long-term investment. Threats after quarrels introduce a factor of jeopardy into a relationship. It introduces fear and doubt. And you don’t want a relationship that limps to the altar. It may just fracture after the altar. And so your mindset matters if you want a long-term relationship. That mindset informs everything. If you keep lying to each other for example, that already tells you the nature of marriage you’ll have. A relationship in which lies constitute the operating system will run false programs. Relationship requires nakedness of soul.
There are many wonderful relationships, many wonderful marriages. Don’t believe those who say none exist. And anyway, that others don’t have a good marriage has nothing to do with you. There’s a saying in Owo: Eche nene ototo. Literally means, “What’s doing each person is different!” Seek your own happiness!
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org