My dear Jack, I don’t know if you should continue to chase her. You’ve been at it for almost a year. The time elapsed does not qualify for playing hard to get and I’m not sure you’re what she wants. She’s not even making it possible for you to broach the subject of proposal. She’s stylishly dodging the issue. Rejection is not easy. It can’t be easy taking a javelin in the heart or 9inch nails. But it’s a rite of passage and it’s the lot of many men in life, though some people are target practice. Some men are of course lucky; they have a choice of women. Some men even have women running after them, but the average Joe is not that lucky. He gets punctured with one or two rounds of nails before getting lucky, and some men don’t get 9inch nails; they get stiletto heels! In fact, the prettier the woman the sharper the stiletto tends to be.
There are many reasons for rejection. For one there’s the societal convention that a woman must play hard to get. Though to be fair, some young men over-reach themselves, going for what they can’t afford. Then there are women with expensive taste and if you don’t have the money, better make a detour. You’ve got to have money to date a woman with high taste or her taste will kill your self-esteem. Remember that Solomon’s statement I often tell you about? That kindness makes a man attractive? Well, it’s how the rich but physically unappealing guy gets to get the beautiful girl. He splurges money. This guy buys gifts, sponsors travels, showers jewellery, clothes and stilettos. He finances her lifestyle. Of course money is not a guarantee of matrimonial happiness, but money is a very attractive quality. That’s why you need to be successful; you increase your mating chances.
Of course there are levels of success. Some women recognize potential in a young man and project forward. Based on that projection they commit to a relationship though the young man is still struggling. And sometimes it’s just love and the woman commits based on love. Love exercises faith in the future. Of course some believe in practical love, as in show me the money. Don’t condemn them, it’s their choice. Some women can’t see potential however or don’t want to see. They’d rather deal with what they can see now. Again, you can’t blame such people however things eventually turn out. Committed to changing the statistics around relationship violence through raising awareness about warning signs by facilitating and administering relationship violence workshop to young adults on university and high school campuses. made their choice, and it’s their right.
Well, since you don’t have a million bucks yet, it means you have to go for a woman who doesn’t mind a thousand bucks. It’s fair if the woman is concerned about your potential: What does your life portend? If you’re an upwardly mobile young man, your potential is of course obvious, then you’re already on your way. Early achievement is an indicator of potential though no guarantee of attainment. And don’t blame a babe who wants a guy with a good ride, it’s her choice. You get a good ride and you qualify.
What I’m saying is, don’t develop a misogynistic philosophy because you’re finding it hard to date a babe. You’re probably toasting the wrong girl if it’s taking this much time; or she’s not convinced; or waiting for someone else. Every girl has a vision of the KIND of man she’ll like. Perhaps she does not see you fitting that bill, now or in the future. But don’t let rejection kill your confidence; you’ve got to learn to shrug your shoulders and just move on. “That’s life” is an expression you have to learn in life. It helps you shrug things off. But you will meet the girl for you, and sometimes we’ve met her but we’re just not paying attention. The girl may be right under your nose, or proximate to you. She may even be reading this letter with you. Two people may be so close and someone may not be paying attention and missing all the cues. In stretching out the neck to go after what is out of reach, guys sometimes miss the girl within reach. And the girl within reach might have been waiting; praying God opens your eyes to what is in front of you. In our pursuit of the impossibilities out of reach we tend to ignore the possibilities within reach. Sometimes it’s after we’ve gone round everyone and collected all the 9in nails that it occurs to us to look right beside us.
Also, don’t make yourself the butt of jokes. Don’t toast your toastee’s close friend; they’ve already discussed you. Even if you succeed, that will be some relationship and THEIR relationship may not survive your toast. It’s worse if it’s two sisters. You can’t move from sister to sister, many families will regard you as unserious. There’s the story of the young man who dated a girl and when that broke with her, he moved on to her sister. The girl’s parents understandably banned him, for life! There was the real possibility he’d wreck harmony in that family. You have to reconcile yourself to the fact that in life, sometimes what we want doesn’t want us. This girl may just see you as a very good friend and nothing more than that. Extending the jurisdiction of your heart into matrimonial territory might have put a strain on your relationship.
I do agree that sometimes in life things are not so clear-cut, and one thing segues into another. There have been several cases of women who said yes over a long period of saying no, and suddenly, they acquiesced. The reason for the acquiescence is another reason entirely though, perhaps the desired male disappointed. Emotion is an incredibly complex stuff and when interwoven with human history, it produces complex characters. The most important thing is that you get someone you want and who wants you; not someone managing you, or who sees you as interim measure. Seek for someone who cares about you, who you can trust and can give your life to.
Marriage is a powerful institution and it’s important you get it right. And always think long term. Will you be happy with this person in the long term? That’s an important question. The heart matters in a marriage equation. Go after a good-hearted person, a kind, giving and loving person. If you get the basics right, you’re home free. The rest are proprietary, icing on the cake. May you meet a wonderful woman!
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org