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Performance Bond

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Dear Jil, you don’t pay back a man’s financial outlay on you with your life. You pay back with money if you must. Like for like. This man wasn’t generous to you because he wanted to do charity; he was generous because he fell in love. Every act of generosity to you was predicated on his love for you. And he got something back in return – your consideration. If all he wanted to do was charity, he wouldn’t have dated you; there are many orphanages around. But he spent all that money on your education for love. He did that to educate his future wife, it wasn’t selfless. And for the period in question he got requited in obligated devotion. So, transaction complete! Or do we also demand back from him the attention you gave?

If you feel obligated to marry a man you don’t love because of financial generosity, that’s an inequitable transaction. If you must pay him back, pay him back in dollars or whatever currency you choose, not with your life. It’s only in a spiritual transaction that you pay life for life. And that is life for life, not life for dollars. I’m not asking you to be callous. I’m just shattering the strange logic and philosophy you built your guilt upon. He was nice to you no doubt, but if you can see danger in the future should you then go on with the marriage? If you go into loveless marriage out of obligation then you set up the man himself for pain and sorrow. And you set up yourself for depression marrying a man you don’t love or want. You’ll barely tolerate him in these circumstances. You don’t love him. Even the sex will be tolerated. How do you tolerate a husband? It’s a contradiction. Marriage is very intimate.

Yes, I do sympathise with him for all the money spent but I’m trying to save both of you. He met you young, too young. When you date a small girl you run a risk of her coming into her own. And that’s what has happened in this case. He met you young and assumed responsibility for your education. But you have since realised you can’t love him, for whatever reason that is. If you go into marriage with him, because you don’t love him you will punish him. And punish yourself too. Because you don’t love him, every time he touches you you’ll either cringe inwardly, or feign an excuse, or resign yourself. And soon the man will realise there’s intimacy avoidance. If you’re not careful you will begin to despise him. Indeed that’s just a matter of time.

It’s horrible to be despised in a relationship. It’s not a nice feeling. It’s loathsome. In order to fulfil the obligations of a wife in such a marriage you have to inoculate yourself and resign yourself to fate. But here’s the challenge: you’re not serving for a limited term, you’re serving a life term. Thus the marriage becomes life imprisonment. You don’t love him, you’re tolerating him. Spouses are not meant to be tolerated, they’re meant to be loved. You’ll be going through motions of love and marriage – to pay him back for the money he spent on you. The reason you want to go into this marriage is to please your parents and pay him back in gratitude. But that’s not marriage. That’s life servitude. You’re going to be paying back for the rest of your life. Yes, if you break the relationship your parents will be devastated. He put you through school, took on their responsibility. But if you force yourself into the marriage, you’re going to be devastated long after your parents are gone. And you’re going to be full of regrets, wondering why you went into the marriage in the first place, but accepting your fate. Without resignation to fate, you’ll envy your friends who married people they love, want what they have. If you’re not careful you’ll go into adultery –the seeking after that which is lacking in your marriage. The entire thing is one huge risky bet for everyone. For him, for you, for your parents. And your parents won’t understand your unhappiness in the marriage. It won’t make sense to them because he has means. They can’t see beyond the commercial transaction. It’s all about paying back interest on the principal sum for life. That’s what your life will become. They won’t understand why you want more despite the fact the man is very responsible. And the man won’t understand why you cheated on him “despite all he’s given you.”

Now, I’m not saying in all cases it won’t work out. Some do fall in love. They respond to kindness. Many cases. I’m just worried you’re already cringing at your fiancé’s touch. Isn’t that a flashing warning? Perhaps 80% of marriages that go bad should never have been contracted in the first place. Perhaps. Which is why I’m warning you. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into given the facts on ground. Let this gentleman know you appreciate him, but you’re not going to make him happy. And when you’re unhappy in a marriage you’re going to make everyone’s life miserable. Innocent people will suffer. If you break the relationship without a doubt you’ll become a proverb. For years to come everyone will talk about you. But that’s a small price to pay than years of depression. You may end up in an asylum. Don’t marry because you feel obligated; marry because you want to. It’s called marriage not a performance bond. It’s not indebtedness for money spent on training. Even with performance bonds you can leave the employment. Only you have to pay back the cost of training. If the problem is the money spent, then promise you’ll pay back, and make sure you do. But a loveless marriage can prove dangerous. They tend to last for a short while after the wedding, though marriage subsists.

Truth is not always popular. Truth tends to have little regard for public relations. This is truth ungarnished. Please reconsider going into this marriage, lest your life becomes “I told you so!”

Your mentor, LA

Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Tags : Loveless
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