Dear Jil, this is what I’ve been trying to say to you, to warn you about, to get you to see. You’ve been neglecting your husband’s sexual needs. You’ve not been paying attention to him. And that happens in marriage. You do work, do your family, do church, get all caught up in those things, but then neglect your husband. And not just his sexual needs, but his tactile needs as well. Touch matters to men. Affectionate hugs matter. The sex you have is so perfunctory it doesn’t even count. It’s most times summary sex. No depth of involvement or passion. It’s almost like you’re telling him to get over it. He merely gets to relieve his pressure. He gets no emotional satisfaction. And sex is as emotional as it is physical in marriage. Yes, for men too. Now, he’s not blaming you. He loves you too much. He’s just asking himself whatever happened to his girlfriend. What he’s done in order to cope is adjust himself to less sex in the marriage so he doesn’t feel disappointed. It’s why his sex drive seems low. And he’s been in that state for over three years. He’s afraid. Afraid of being rejected, having been rebuffed persistently. So he lowered his sexual expectation. He did it to preserve his love for you. He knows you love him, and he’s a good man.
Your husband is your primary relationship. It’s not the children or your family. Not your colleagues, not the church folk. And you can’t after all these years just turn him at will. Doesn’t work that way. And that’s stereotypical. You need to want him, make him feel you’d do things for him, just because it’s him. Make him feel special. Marriage can dull a marriage. You just settle into a routine, some form of cruise control. You’ll settle into the marriage like an old couple. Then the marriage becomes a deep friendship, sometimes less. What he’s done is concentrate on that friendship. It’s been tough on him sexually, the occasional sex. As it were the quantum of sex you have in your marriage in a quarter is what the average couple has in a week. That’s cutting things a bit thin; but you won’t understand the implication. You’re not a man. You’re putting him under enormous sexual pressure. And from what I gathered you don’t even kiss him anymore. And you unilaterally changed the rules of engagement. Without consideration of his desires you determined what’s permissible. You need to ask yourself where he’ll get sexual fulfilment from if not from you. Don’t you want him faithful? If you deny your husband his desires and won’t fulfil them, where else do you want him to go? He’s going to be frustrated. I suspect your husband just resigned himself, accepted his lot in life. It’s how his sex drive got low. It’s a coping mechanism. Because he loves you he did the most intelligent thing in the circumstances.
You’ve got to rekindle the romance in your marriage. You’ve got to make your husband want you again. You don’t even go out with him anymore. Trying to get you to go out with him has become an emotional burden. So he just takes the easy way out. He leaves it alone, or makes do otherwise. He can’t deal with the reluctances. But this wasn’t so when you were boyfriend/girlfriend. You had no hesitation about going out with him. And he loved you for that – that you could drop things for him on a whim. You were available. Now there’s always something. Seems you won’t inconvenience yourself to spend time with him anymore. It has to be convenient. Don’t forget those needs are still there, whether you fulfil them or not. They don’t go away. He needs love, companionship, friendship… He needs your touch, and he needs sex from you. You’re his wife. Putting your hands around him…laying your head on his shoulder, holding him. These things mean a lot. But you’ve distanced yourself from his needs. And your relationship became clinical, antiseptic. It now seems that what was important to you was getting married, and now that you are things have changed! I know it’s not like that, but that’s how a man’s need will read these things. Your marriage has become about duties and obligations. It’s a dutiful relationship. Even the sex is dutiful. And so he’s settled into a routine of unmet needs and lowered expectations in the bedroom department. He’s been complaining to you but you’ve been explaining his complaints away, even making excuses. Meanwhile you’re fighting to protect your marriage from interlopers. It’s understandable but it’s wrong strategy. You take care of the man. Own the man. Satisfy the man and you won’t need to worry about those interloping distractions. A dutiful marriage is like a President who’s more concerned about running the country than caring for his people. You can’t do church, family and work at your husband’s expense. It’s not wise. You’re using his marriage platform mind you. You used to exchange loving texts all day and late into the night. Whatever happened to the texts? And what has become of all the lingerie he bought you? They’re expectations. He was a brave man to go into Victoria’s Secret. You used to dress for him. Now you dress to impress others. The centre of your universe became a satellite.
Go back to the fundamentals. Want your husband. Make him feel desired, make him feel wanted, not just needed. Refocus your energy. Pour your energy into him. He’s your major source of happiness. Get back to intimacy. It will take care of the sex. He’s a high achiever, he needs intimacy. Physical intimacy. Yes, you’re doing good in the food department and taking care of the home and all that. But he’d rather have you and not have the food. He can always order food. He’s successful. Go out with him and dress as a brand enhancer. He wants to be seen with his good-looking wife. It’s his pride as a man. Don’t be hesitant when he asks you out. Once you’re reluctant it just kills something, even if you eventually go. Think of it: he has a lovely wife he can’t touch. You’re thus like one of those cups in a show glass, locked up. You can’t subcontract the fulfilment of his emotional desires to other people. Both of you talk things over. And don’t take his iteration as criticism. Just listen to him and adjust. All he wants is his girlfriend back again, the girl he fell in love with and whom he loves dearly.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org