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Dear Jack, listen. I’m not saying there’s no love, but will it work? That’s the real question. Don’t conflict the love between two parties with the mechanics of the relationship. Think of it as a car. The concept design may give you fuzzy feelings but if the engine has issues you have no car. The feelings of love are like those fuzzy feelings about the concept design of the car… Oh, it has leather interior… The design…Oh so marvellous! But what about the engine of the car? Now, nobody mixes up the feelings about the design of a car with its engine. But the two are not mutually exclusive. The feeling of joy derived from the design of a car is not the same as the mechanics of the car. Two different things. In the same vein, falling in love with someone is a separate issue from the workability of the relationship.

You may be in love but the relationship just can’t work. Both can happen together. If the relationship can’t work the love is just fuzzy feeling. And there are relationships that just can’t work. To show that love and workability are two different issues, think of the fact that you may love each other yet keep fighting. In that circumstance it’s unwise to marry. The love is there no doubt but the marriage will be hell. You don’t marry on fuzzy feeling alone. There has to be the practical consideration of whether the relationship will work. If the relationship will not work, don’t proceed to marriage. You already know it will be a miserable marriage. It’s why two people can love each other yet end up in divorce. They mixed up love and workability. You’ve got to think of the workability of a relationship. You’ve got to ask yourself, will it work? If you duck the question of whether a relationship will work, you will have to answer it in marriage. If as you draw near to your wedding you feel miserable and troubled, that is indicative of something un-good. It is better not to go into a marriage you’re not sure of. You don’t marry to please people. Not even your parents. There’s that point in a wedding preparation when everything seems to be on autopilot. It makes a bad marriage inevitable. And so despite misgivings, people just plod on instead of applying brakes, and despite knowing the marriage won’t work. I call it autopilot syndrome – mechanistically going into a miserable marriage because IVs have been sent out. Marriage is not bondage. It’s meant to be a thing of joy not misery. If you already have signs of misery why go ahead!

Let’s reverse the situation. Say a young girl is dating a guy and she’s considering marriage. Just like the guy, she’s got to ask herself, will it work? And she has to answer honestly. Now, some people talk about marrying potential, no problem. But there are two types of potential. There’s evidence-based potential and there’s dreamful potential. Evidence-based potential is a young man who’s driven and ambitious, and wants to succeed. He’s not lazy; he’s applying himself – making the most of his opportunities. He’s passionate about success. But dreamful potential is the guy who just talks and dreams. He’s lazy. Won’t even lift the spoon to his mouth. Oh, he knows how to write love letters, build castles in the air, but he can’t deliver the goods. He dreams of BMW, Ferrari, Porsche… Boasts about buying a Mercedes roadster for his wife. And yet he’s lazy. He won’t go out there and make the best of life. He won’t go out there and strive with life. He expects things to fall into his laps, doesn’t believe in hard work. He talks about “smart” work. Oh, he’s a connoisseur of tastes and wine, he’s culturally literate, knows all the right stuff. But he’s too lazy to work. He makes excuses, has all the justifications for non-attainment. So you have a picture of two young men. Both are potentiated but only one has evidence-based potential. Evidence-based potential is simply, morning shows the day! That’s the summary.

If your girlfriend has to push you to take life serious, to make you work hard, that relationship will have a problem. She’s going to become tired at some point, whether before, or after the marriage. She’s going to be carrying an inordinate and disproportionate amount of load in the marriage. She’s the one who’s always going to be trying to get things done, to get things fixed. When the sofa needs to be changed and you don’t move, she gets it done. If there’s a need to buy a new freezer and you don’t move, she gets it bought. There’s a problem in such a relationship. I trust you’re not that kind of guy. That kind of guy is going to be potentiated forever. That’s not potential; it’s lack of drive. And so you need to have drive. You need to want to succeed. Life of course won’t give you a free pass. That’s why determination counts. Or everyone will be a billionaire. Life respects a determined young man. Life will eventually bow to a determined young man who’s unfazed by his humble beginnings.

Yes, everyone is potentiated by God but we must turn ourselves into evidence-based potentials. When people see a young man they should be able to project: this one will make it. That’s evidence-based potential. Glaring facts people can see is what we refer to as evidence-based potential. You’ve got to make life respect you. You’ve got to strive to attain. There are levels of attainment of course, but the key is that you maximise your potential whatever it is. And so all that love is good, but love must deliver the goods if you want respect. And the more you attain the more your girlfriend will be proud of you. You boost her image as well. I’m afraid that’s the way life works. It’s why you never give up despite discouragement. You don’t give up on your life. You don’t want to be in a relationship and you’re not respected. Industrious young men get respect. Don’t just strive to be respected, strive to be admired. And that’s what I’m talking about. You know what I mean!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Potential, Choosing a partner
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