My dear Jack, I was watching Dr. House the other day…I don’t know if you follow the series…You know, the program about the brilliant doctor whose mental state is somewhat sometimes questionable…Anyway, I was watching the program and there was this patient who suffered from agalmatophilia. Agalmatophilia is a sexual deviation involving attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. It’s a serious disorder. For your Greek lesson, “agalma” means statue. “Philia” means love. It’s how we get Philadelphia – brotherly love. Anyway, the level of severity of the disorder varies from individual to individual. In some cases there’s sexual contact. The truth however is that the attitude of some young men to choosing a spouse borders on modified agalmatophilia. And you’re making the same mistake too. Sometimes young men want to marry dolls and not women. You’re susceptible if you inordinately focus on physical attraction to the detriment of the other dimensions of a woman. And that usually happens when a young man gets carried away with the physical beauty of a woman. Though in truth some of the beauties we herald are nothing but local champions. Placed in a wider context those beauties are easily relegated to 4th division.
Your other friend is also so carried away with beauty he ignores the cries of his emotional and spiritual needs. Essentially he’s dating a one-dimensional woman, whose real value is only in social contexts. Outside of events, outings and parties she’s of no use to him, can’t meet his deeper needs. When he wants intellectual stimulation she’s of no value to him. When it comes to emotional comfort she’s of no value to him either. Neither is she of any value when it comes to spiritual partnership. And on the question of character, she’s the aposematic of what a young man should run from. Because he’s inordinately riveted on her beauty she makes demands on him to maintain an expensive beauty regimen. He pays for facials, for waxing, for weave-ons and weave-offs, acrylic nails, shoes, bags, purses and dresses…He’s got himself locked up in a bind. She’s a goddess he’s worshipping and a very demanding goddess at that. She does nothing except make demands – most of those demands denominated in currency. Our young man is a slave to her whims. He can’t refuse her. He’s afraid if he does she’ll walk right next door. He fantasizes about her beauty, waxing lyrical at times to the knowing smiles of his friends. He’s knows he’s dating a doll, ok. And he’s trying to avoid confronting the question of wife. She’s clearly not interested in spousal responsibilities. She just wants to take and take.
A doll will not satisfy you in marriage. Only a woman can. And a woman is an embodiment of attributes. Those attributes of womanhood are actually technological solutions to a man’s needs. You’ve got to be realistic about your needs as a man. Stop going for what won’t solve your emotional problems. It’s like buying a piece of decorative and uncomfortable sofa when you don’t even have a sofa to sit on. That furniture is of no value except as a museum piece. And you don’t buy a decorative piece of a chair when you desperately need a comfortable seat. You buy utility. If you do and ignore your needs you lose the right to complain. So stop complaining about what you lack in this relationship. You had someone who could take care of your real needs, but you went for surface reality. And now the other woman has moved on, snatched by a guy who couldn’t believe his luck. Your loss. But here’s another dimension to agalmatophilia. There are those who marry real women but then want to convert those women into plastic dolls. The question then is, why didn’t you go for a plastic doll in the first place? And you also see reverse variants. There are those who married corporate executives wanting to forcefully convert them into housewives. Wouldn’t it have been better to marry someone with the disposition of a housewife in the first place? The tension generated by the desire for forcible conversion can tear the marriage apart, if care is not taken. Then there are those who want “submissive” wives. They’re so tyrannical. The wife has no rights. That’s a doll not a woman. A doll can’t talk. It must be programmed. That’s not saying a home should be full of contrariness. But the advantage of a wise woman cannot be over-emphasized.
Men are often blinded by their passions, but a woman has an uncanny ability to see in infrared. A woman can sense things a man’s rationality blocks from view. It’s why marriage is a binary equation. Two people, two perspectives, double advantage. But if you become tyrannical at home, you will lose the advantage of extra view. The woman may for the sake of peace keep quiet. In which case there’s really no peace. And she may revolt. Then there’ll be trouble in that home. The trouble is thus either passive or active. Marriage has to be tolerant of views and perspectives, and yet work towards a unity of purpose. You get blindsided when you don’t make use of the extra view available through your spouse. At least hear her out, don’t shut her down. Seek her advice. It costs nothing. Or you’ll be left to your own views and shortcomings, which in essence means you’re married to yourself.
Marriage is a partnership. We must not in trying to enforce our views ever forget that. It is the accommodation of loving opinions that makes marriage soft and strong. Don’t marry a doll. Marry a woman. But of course it’s still your choice. Only that people tire of dolls easily.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com