My dear Jil, of course he has to get used to the idea of you without make up. In marriage he’ll see you without make-up. Every night you’ll wash the make-up off your face, won’t you? So how’s he going to cope? And you’ll do facial scrub. That’s not a good sight to behold for men but it keeps the skin fresh and healthy. It’s only in the movies that women wake up perfectly made-up. Reality is less pleasant. And we’re not even talking about oral hygiene yet, not to talk about other departments of hygiene. The point I’m trying to make is that if your beauty is skin deep the relationship won’t endure. And if his appreciation of you is limited to your beauty then he’s setting himself up for disappointment. He’s got to see you without make-up lest he accuses you of false impression or impersonation. Real relationships are not surface deep. That’s not saying you shouldn’t appear your best. That’s wise and it makes sense. At his age it’s important he’s able to boast about your looks. He wants everyone to know he married a pretty woman. Of course what’s pretty can be pretty relative. But young men like to boast in muted expression about the physical attributes of their girlfriends.
Man looks at outward appearance. Only God takes a critical examination of the heart. And so there’s wisdom in looking nice, especially if he’s going to present you to third parties. But the real relationship has to be built on lack of make-up. Or else you’ll have a man who only appreciates you when you’re all dressed up. It’s why some young men are ambivalent about their relationships, why they seem to blow hot and cold. When you’re looking pretty you see him fussing over you, excited like a puppy. You like it but you wonder. And then suddenly he seems dejected and under-appreciative. If you check those moments of lack of enthusiasm about your relationship…you’ll discover it coincides incredibly with when you’re not made up and dressed up. And so he’s yoyo about his feelings. It’s why he has a shade of disappointment when he comes to see you at home. You expect him to carry on his enthusiasm, for it to be present continuous. But then he sees you and you can see the shadow of disappointment. And all through the visit he’s non-communicative, seems un-engaged, even disappointed. And in those instances if you check your record, he suddenly says he’s leaving. It’s almost abrupt. He can’t handle his disappointment about you not looking your nines. But I worry about those kinds of relationship because marriage can be visually messy. If he can only accept you when you’re facially pristine then there’s a problem.
Surely there’s more to you than your face. There has to be more to you than your face. He’s got to love the you. Truth is, if your facial aesthetics are pristine but your values are warped he’s going to have challenges. The real relationship is built on values – kindness, character, discipline, appreciativeness, etc, etc. These are values, and they’re what enhance and build relationship, solidify them. On your part of course there has to be a balance. Character and looks have to be combined. And it’s not just because of him. It’s because we must strive for balance in life. Some people take things to the extreme philosophically trying to prove a point looks don’t matter. Well, truth matters to most men. And even those who say au naturel just have bohemian taste. Looks matter. But all the looks in the world will not a solid relationship make. Kind consideration matters. Selflessness matters. Care matters. Attention matters. Control and restraint matter. You’ll not always be at your best looks-wise, however you try. Life’s ablutions do not always allow. There are times you’ll have rollers on, there are times you’ll have hair net on. He has to come to a philosophical appreciation of you and develop his ideology from that. He’s got to be able to say, I love my woman irrespective of her looks, but when she makes up… La la la! That balance is critical. And the knowing that he loves you for you is also critical. It’s almost akin to the sex thing. If the only basis of appreciation is sexual attraction it won’t last. Ditto with sex in marriage. If the only item cementing the marriage is sex you’ll have problems. There’ll be moments when orgiastic ecstasy is far from your mind in marriage. Then there’s that time of the month, though some don’t mind.
The point which I keep reiterating is that marriage is many times messy, especially when kids come. And if he can’t accept your relationship outside of pristine dimensions it won’t endure. What will then happen is that he’s going to start chasing silly girls outside. Of course he’ll only see those girls when their faces are will arranged. And so he’s deluded. If he marries any of those girls the messiness of marriage will still creep in. He’s chasing his tail. Build a solid relationship with one another. Make-up and all that is good. But the real acceptance has to be sans make-up. Of course some women carry things to the extreme and now don’t care. They’re reckless with their looks and that’s dangerous in marriage. He may feel you’re taking him for granted. There’s always the proverbial secretary in the office remember! But he has to modulate his expectations. He’s got to get used to the idea of you without make-up.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org