My dear Jil, I did get your mail. Sorry for my late reply. I was travelling. It may sound strange, but I think you ought to appreciate his imperfection rather than just tolerating it. Imperfection is of course not the same as imperfections. Imperfection is a state, the state of man; imperfections are his acts. You’re dealing with a human not a robotic entity. His inherent nature is imperfect. He is imperfect, he’ll never be perfect, can’t be perfect, won’t be perfect. There’s a lot going on causing disequilibrium. He’s growing up; the environment around him is changing. Even you are changing. That’s nature of life, the nature of humans, and the nature of marriage. There is no stasis. All those changes going on will present a challenge of accommodation and adaptation. And then there’s the economic environment, which implies he must accommodate changes. He’s got to adjust. The adjustments will of course create imbalances here and there. It’s where love comes in.
Love is the shock absorber in a marriage. Love understands, even when it doesn’t understand. Because love is of the heart. Love seeks to understand, gives a benefit of doubt. That’s not saying the other party should be insensitive. No. There’s a need for sensitivity in marriage. But love forbears, understands what’s going on down there. Love is understanding from a position of deep knowledge. Love credits the other party with genuineness of heart. It’s why sincerity matters in a relationship. Sincerity is of the heart. Sincerity is different from honesty. Honesty is event-based, sincerity is of the heart. Honesty is decided on a case-by-case basis. Sincerity is a state of the heart. You can be honest without being sincere. An insincere person can even use honesty as a tool of deception, all to pull you in. But you have a good guy. Like every man however he has his flaws. You have yours too, and it comes in spades. Even you acknowledge that. And so in your marriage you have two imperfect people working on a perfect conception of unity of heart. You have to move from being able to tolerate his imperfections to appreciating him for those imperfections.
If he’s a perfect being who never does wrong why then is there need for love? If he’s absolutely perfect there’ll be no need for love. Love is the accommodator of imperfections. How are you imperfect? You leave stuff all over the house. There’s always the danger someone’s going to sit on your glasses. You’re not as fastidious as he is when it comes to tidiness and order. But to accommodate your imperfections he keeps picking up after you, sometimes muttering “This my wife!” to himself. But it is for the very reasons of your imperfections that he loves you. Your leaving things all over the place are the idiosyncratic details of your life. His accommodation of them is proof of love. In the same manner your accommodation of HIS imperfections have to become proof of your love.
Don’t forget there are many wonderful things this guy does. He’s a very responsible man for one. And he never spares an expense when it comes to you. (Of course limited to his means). You know in your heart that he loves you, that he’s devoted to you. His loyalty and fidelity to you are proof of his love. Don’t forget that. You don’t know all he has to cope with to maintain fealty to your relationship. You’re not in his circumstances. Every one who cares to know knows that he loves you. Even those who don’t care hear from him. He tells everyone. You clearly mean a lot to him. It’s obvious to the blind. When a woman means a lot to a man he can’t conceal it. Surely he’s entitled to one or two imperfections given how wonderful and faithful he is in so many respects. You see, what you deem his shortcomings today are dinner table fodder in years to come. That’s the joy in your marriage. You’re going to have opportunity to narrate so many tales about him to your children and grandchildren in your old age. Then you can lovingly talk about those imperfections. And show how you love him sticking with him despite them. And he seems an appreciative man. Never take that for granted. He knows every sacrifice you make. He can’t keep thanking you for everything though. Even you don’t do that. But you know the kind of person he is – a deeply appreciative man. And it’s not for nothing that your dad loves him, and your mum and all your siblings.
You have a good man! It’s important couples appreciate each other’s imperfections. You love despite them, and because of them. All those wonderful marriages you see, they are riddled with imperfections. But the parties make it work. The only reason those marriages are wonderful is because of the loving embrace of imperfections. But if you keep picking on him, keep reminding him of his faults you’ll make him afraid. He’ll have a fear of loving you. He won’t be able to open to you. He’ll have a fear of fear. It’s a very subtle thing, but very substantial. Don’t forget he had a rough time with his last girlfriend – still afraid of those experiences despite the fact he trusts you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s the nature of consciousness of pain and trauma. Which incidentally is why he greatly appreciates you. He can see the contrast. Why don’t you just encourage him by telling him how much you appreciate him, including his imperfections. Then he can grow to be totally free with you, without any reservations. You can’t know those fears otherwise. They’re inside. Such people hold back a little on the inside for fear of being hurt again, even if it’s an impossibility with you. I’m just saying love this good man you have. Appreciate his imperfections too.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | email@example.com