I think the issue is the inability to take things seriously…things like vows. That’s actually serious stuff. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, and he wouldn’t contemplate leaving you. It’s just that he’s not reached that point in life in which he realizes some things are more serious than they appear to be. He will get there. Though I’m afraid he might do harm to himself enroute. The things that matter in life do not always appear so. Your husband doesn’t realize how potent marriage is, and that it’s not something to trivialise. He needs to get to that point in which he takes his marriage seriously. If he doesn’t life will teach him the lesson. But we don’t want you as collateral damage in that tuition system, do we? Which is why I’m writing.
One of the most critical abilities a young man must develop is the management of power. Life is a power construct. There’s a whole architecture of power of life. Someone has power over someone who has power over someone…up and up it goes until we get to God. And so in many ways life is a political system. It’s a power pyramid. At whatever level we are we have power over someone. It’s reductionist architecture. And so there’ll always be one young woman somewhere willing to submit to him politically. He has enormous promise. I’m trying to give you understanding of what’s going on. Without discipline he’s going to keep taking what he can, and that’s not good. Discipline is the key word. That you can have it doesn’t mean you should have it. That it’s offered doesn’t mean you should take it. Now the temptation may be there, but discipline says I won’t cross this line. And the best way not to cross the line is not to expose oneself to wanton desire from alien affection. And so he needs to shut down those channels, cut off some female friends…whatever is not healthy to his marriage. It’s a function of what he considers important: his future, or some temporary fleshly enjoyment. The carnal pursuit is a distraction. But he won’t realise it as long as he’s in the medium. It’s a serious distraction.
There was this brilliant guy in ancient Egypt. Popularly known as Joseph. He had the same challenge as your husband. He was actually a genius, though a slave. And soon his master’s wife set eyes on him. She pointedly asked for sex. Joseph rejected Madam’s advances however. He was focused on his vision. She was a distraction. He providentially rose to the status of Prime Minister in ancient Egypt. Would have been stuck as Madam’s toy boy. There’s always fleshly temptation for every driven young man going somewhere. It’s a course of life. And you have to come to terms with that fact and use the knowledge judiciously. You must have a solid relationship. The stronger your relationship the more his moral armament. And he wouldn’t want to hurt you. What you must avoid is giving him an excuse to do what his flesh is longing for. It’s why for example you must not deny him sex. When you do you create excuse and justification for waywardness. The sexual deprivation at home becomes an excuse and an argument used by his flesh for carnal pursuit. It’s also why you shouldn’t have prolonged fights. Find a way to settle your fights early. When a fight is prolonged in marriage pride steps in. The issue will no longer be the issue. Pride begins to operate.
A home can’t accommodate fights. The tension occasioned by such a medium is very unhealthy. It takes very strenuous effort to keep a fight going in marriage. But to what end? You risk becoming hardened wanting to win the fight. You risk losing emotional sensation for each other. And emotion is so volatile when there’s anger love can easily become hatred. The anger becomes unreasonable. Remember what I told you about seeming little things? Well, that seeming little fight can wreck the marriage. That’s because of retaliatory cadence. He does something and you need to hurt him in return, more than he did you…And he also needs to do something to hurt you even more… And so your marriage becomes an ascending order of tit for tat. Before you know it you’re estranged from each other, communication breaks down and everyone moves to another planet. Before you realise you will only be relating to each other on absolute essentials. You’ll be like strangers. And the marriage continues to fracture with each successive level of strain. And that’s what makes it easy for him to justify seeking solace in another woman. He’s seeking refuge from the battlefield. Somehow, somehow, there’s always another woman on the horizon. Make sure she stays on the horizon. Innocent interest in the wellbeing of a hurting husband has been known to lead to dalliances. And that’s when positions concretise. There’s serious hurt. And that now becomes the issue in the marriage. He would have committed the “unpardonable sin.” If you’re deeply hurt or the unforgiving type the marriage is over. You now have YOUR justification as you would clearly win the PR war. Only you’re not telling the full truth. And the full truth is that pride destroyed your marriage. Neither party was willing to give in on a “trivial” issue. The trivial issue metamorphosed into a marriage-destroying monster feeding on offences, rage and impotence. Trivial things matter in marriage.
Trivial things can become monsters. A marriage can’t accommodate monsters. The reason trivial things matter in marriage is because emotions are involved. The feeling of hurt we have about what our partners do often stem from our own history. The silent vow not to tolerate what our mother tolerated leads to overreaction to anything seemingly close. The big lesson I’m trying to pass to you is, resolve trivial things in your marriage. Trivial things become monsters. And when a marriage is wrecked so many things are wrecked as well. Things you never contemplated. I’ll talk to him like I said. He needs to grow up. All those silly pursuits, it’s emotional immaturity.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org