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Four Lessons

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My dear Jack, you lost the right to say those things many months ago. And you should know better. I’ve repeatedly told you to learn to take responsibility in life. You can’t impregnate a lady and begin to say those things I hear you speak. For example, it’s rather too late to say she’s not the type of woman you want carrying your child. She may well not be, but she’s already carrying your child. The argument is moot. You open yourself to charges of opportunism if you insist on that line of argument. Means your pursuit of crass opportunism became a fish bone lodged in your throat. As many will rightly ask, if you knew all that why did you sleep with her…why did you stray from your specs?

Some of the bitterness around this sort of issues stems from denial of request for reciprocal marriage after pregnancy. But I’m afraid you’d have to negotiate life with this lady one way or the other, for as long as that child exists. You’d have to congress with her on the health, schooling and future of the baby. Then there’s her marriage.

Once you bring a life into this world you become responsible whether you are or not. You’re obligated. Saying the woman seduced you cannot take away that responsibility. The biological outcome is yours. If you condemn her you condemn yourself. Your morality is hinged together. You slept together. It’s either you accept you have impaired judgment, or lacked self-control, or you were opportunistic. The birth of the baby takes away all those arguments you’re touting, including the one about religious difference. I’m not saying you have to marry her. If you don’t love her the marriage will only compound the first mistake. Forced marriages from pregnancy breed their own horror and pain. There’s nothing more depressive than being in a marriage with someone you never wanted to marry but was forced to.

There are four layers of lessons and responsibility involved in this saga.

The first lesson is, don’t live opportunistically and sex indiscriminately. There are laws of biology.

The second lesson is, don’t have sex with her if you can’t imagine her the mother of your child. She may become.

The third lesson is, once your child comes into this world you assume liability – moral, financial, material.

And the fourth lesson is, you and the mother of your child are umblicalised by that child. You’re mum and dad.

Now, I’m aware the psychological make up of young men wants to separate sex from reproduction. A young man lusting after sex hardly thinks of post coitus liability. He just wants to have fun. No early-twenty-something wants a child out of wedlock I agree. May lead to wed lock unfortunately. If you refuse to marry the young woman it means you’ll father children from at least two different women. But despite your protestations, this wasn’t a one-night stand that resulted in pregnancy. It’s a yearlong relationship. So how can you claim she seduced you, like it was some one-night inebriated happenstance in the toilet of a club? If you have unprotected sex with an ovulating lady, life refuses to entertain argument of unpreparedness for fatherhood. Life always assumes you intend the natural consequences of your actions. And though it may not be true, but life assumes you want a child if you have unprotected sex. Claiming the girl is not your girlfriend or your type of woman after sleeping with her persistently for a whole year sounds hollow and callow. Having slept with her for one whole year, she must at least be your sexfriend if you say she’s not your girlfriend.

You broke the first law of unintended consequences in relationship: If you don’t want her don’t sleep with her. The law also states, if you sleep with her and pregnancy results, you’re assumed to have assigned motherhood to her. And the argument you wanted a prettier girl and not someone like her sounds…blatherskite. Listen to yourself! How are we to know the quality of the woman you want independent of your actions? Are we diviners? If you toast a woman of your choosing, we have to assume she’s the standard you want, whatever that standard is! Or we assume there’s something in her so compelling to you it overwrites every other consideration. Unless of course you claim to have been under influence, say voodoo or something. But even at that you must still accept responsibility for laying yourself open to that influence. I’m just saying all these arguments are puerile. The birth of the baby renders the premises of your syllogism irrelevant. You saw, you sexed, you fathered. End of story.

As it is, you’re in a quandary. You can’t do with her, and you can’t do without her. How do you want to resolve it? And saying all those nasty things about the young lady is confounding. Whatever you call her you slept with. If you call her a prostitute you slept with one. It actually says a lot more about you. You have to be careful not to impregnate another girl. The stage is set again. Why don’t you just go for a wholesome relationship instead of sexual relationships… Why don’t you settle down! As long as you pursue sexual relationships instead of wholesome stuff you’ll always be open to the possibility of baby mamas. Look for a girl you truly like. Seek to meet a woman you’d want to marry, and build a relationship. If you don’t listen to my advice, I’m afraid you’re going to have another baby mama drama. You have to grow up. You’re a father now. If you don’t, life will teach you in practical terms. Now go and take responsibility for your child. And take responsibility for your life as well. Don’t let your life get away from you. Don’t become reckless because this has happened. I do wish you the best!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Pregnancy, Sex, Children
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