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The Juggler

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Jil, I don’t know if it’s wise bringing your old boyfriend into your relationship. You’re only going to complicate your life. If you want to re-date your old boyfriend then make it tidy. Break up with your present boyfriend. But you can’t date your old and current boyfriends together. You’re going to create issues. And you may be inserting a dangerous trustworthiness factor into your relationship. If you end up marrying your present boyfriend, he may just not be sure about you in the future. You’ll have destroyed the security of the relationship. He’ll always be thinking anything can happen. And he’ll hedge his bet, emotions and exposure; after all you can take off after another man in future. How is he going to trust you or fully commit to you without leaving an allowance for disappointment? I’m just saying think through what you’re doing. You may be damaging the future.

Trying to rekindle a relationship from the past when you’re in another can be dangerous to the existing relationship. And you may end up losing both ways, especially if this rekindled romance flames out. But perhaps this whole thing has come to expose a problem in your current relationship. It might be showing you your level of commitment to your relationship. Either that or this is just temporary insanity. These things happen. Or may be you long for excitement and you consider your present boyfriend sedate. But what you call sedate may just be stability and maturity. There’s nothing wrong with desiring excitement in a relationship, but that’s not the default of marriage. Remember the parties in a marriage go to work, they drive on the road, get home tired. I’m just saying excitement is hardly the definition of marriage. It’s topping. Marriage can be quotidian. And so if you imagine that if you marry your old boyfriend it’s going to be excitement all the way, think again.

There’ll be irritable moments, moments the guy won’t feel like sex, and moments you won’t feel like it too. That’s marriage. And excitement can peter out as you can see from Hollywood. I just hope you know what you’re doing.
If your new boyfriend finds out what’s going on, you may lose him.
 
May be you need to ask yourself why is this old boyfriend suddenly back. Is it that his girlfriend is also not “exciting,” or he has now realized he made a mistake ditching your relationship? Maybe he’s having issues with his girlfriend and you’re just a natural rebound. You’re familiar and open. Or it may be that you’re desirable because you’re with another man. If he has you to himself the excitement may die. You’ve got to be sure of what’s going on lest you make a double mistake. But you can’t string two guys along. You’ll likely lose both, like the man chasing two rats at once. If you don’t want to date this new guy again just tell him so he won’t continue to invest in a false dream. And be careful. It’s a small world. There are eyes all around, ears all around. Someone may just see you with this old boyfriend and tell your current boyfriend. Or he may just tell someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows your current boyfriend.
 
You also need to check if your old boyfriend is afraid of commitment. If you decide to go with him is it going to be another long spell without commitment? Or is he playing you along because you’re open to the idea of another season of both of you? It might not have been his intention to have a relationship. It might just have been nostalgic feeling. Men sometimes have nostalgia for women who were in their lives at critical moments. They may be in a relationship and still have that nostalgia, seek to relive it. Sometimes it’s just best to leave the past alone, to leave it in the past. Indeed most times it’s best to leave the past in the past. Some relationships that worked in the past only worked because they were in the context of the past. Remove that context and that relationship has no basis or meaning. Which is why they won’t work in the present. Trying to bring the past into a present relationship can be like putting old wine in new skin. And if you try to put the passion back in a dead and gone relationship that can be akin to new wine in old skin.
Epochs dictate relationship. There’s a reason they call it the past. And there’s a reason you went into a relationship with your new boyfriend.
 
My worry is that the only basis of this resurrected relationship is a desire for excitement. And the more you see your old boyfriend the more you’ll desire to be with him given the state of your mind. I’d advice you be careful not to cross a line though. You’ll feel awful with yourself. Or you’ll have to become a barefaced liar able to live in secret information and juggle deceit. You don’t want to be a practiced deceiver. Your essence changes. You become what you thought was just one event. Simply make up your mind what you want and whom you want, and take a decision. Also consider the fact that if you leave your current boyfriend things had better work out with this old boyfriend. Or you’ll lose both ways. Which is why I asked you if he’s the committing type, and if he’s serious. Or maybe he’s also just looking for excitement too. And that can accommodate a lack of commitment. A good test may be to ask yourself, if you get pregnant for this old boyfriend will he marry you? You have to be honest with yourself about that answer. If he won’t marry you, why, he may be looking for excitement after all!
 
Your mentor, LA
 
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
Tags : Commitment, Choice
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