My dear Jil, take it that you have just one decision to make, not a flurry of decisions. And it’s important you rightly frame the question. Sometimes, we make a mistake in framing the marriage question.
It’s not about who is better among the options you have. The two options may actually be bad. The simple question you need to ask yourself is, will this man give me love, peace and happiness? And you may want to consider an ominous secondary question: What will be my fate and destiny married to this man? This secondary question is important because marriage determines life outcomes.
We’re all potentiated but a ruinous marriage diverts the course of a life, creates an alternative destiny. You would have wasted your youth energy on a difficult course of life, trying to resolve deep regret within you. Your life energy cannot so be diverted into progressive and life affirming endeavour. You’re occupied. Marriage is one of those determinant decisions. There are maybe, three or four of those decisions in life. And so he’s handsome won’t cut it. It’s a surface reality, an attractive quality. Does not go to character. Handsomeness is not an indicator of the heart, cannot tell you if the man is hardworking or caring or godly. He’s handsome is just aesthetic value. What lies beneath the façade? That’s the man. We’ve been together for so long is not enough either, especially if he’s abusive. In that scenario all you’re saying is, you’ve been enduring abuse for so long.
You know, the mails I get from young people… I spend more time trying to dissuade them from ruining their lives. To unmake a poor marriage decision you’re going to pay a price whether you want to or not. And you would have been altered. A bad marriage alters you. It kills dreams, creates hardness and bitterness.
Now, of peace, love and happiness, peace is the most fundamental. Without peace in marriage happiness can’t find expression. Neither can love find consistency of expression. Peace goes to issue of your emotional and mental health. Someone constantly accusing you won’t give you heart peace. And accusations can be non-verbal. A mental state of accusation can exist. If you have to keep defending yourself in marriage over nonexistent issues, you’re dealing with that mental state. Constant accusation has spiritual pedigree. Accusation assails and buffets the soul incessantly like the whiplash of the wind on a sail. You’ll be on the defensive. And the accusations need not be true. Verity is not sine qua non to accusation. It can just be inventive. Truth is, a constant state of accusation in a marriage is an expression of hostility and clinical repugnance. Don’t marry an accuser. You may not live to regret it.
An immutable accuser in marriage is someone expressing a passive aggressive state of mind. Many times accusations in marriage are expressions of insecurity. And sometimes envy, or desire for control. You know you’re in trouble if the accusatory disposition is based on all three – insecurity, envy and control. You see those accusations are incubated in a nursery – the imaginary sphere where two-way conversations go on. That person is constantly having interactions with your imaginary self. There’s a macabre back and forth going on. It’s an ongoing conversation. You might even catch the person talking out loud to an imaginary you or gesticulating. And because the conversation is present continuous, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. I’m not talking about the occasional pointing out of faults in marriage. I’m talking something epic, a weapon of war. There can be no internal harmony when there’s a constancy of spoken and unspoken accusation in a marriage. A copacetic marriage is not beset by condemnatory disposition or rabid accusation. And soon your mind will start getting frenzied and disturbed when subject to habitual accusations.
Those accusations harden the psyche or destroy it. They take a toll. The conscious and subconscious begin to converse. So you don’t want to marry an accuser, someone who can’t appreciate any effort you put in. You don’t! He’ll see faults first, even in the noblest of your efforts and intentions. And you’ll be anticipatory of condemnation. Constant accusation is the browbeating of a psyche. It’s like a demon following you everywhere pointing out faults. And that voice will follow you in your head. Everywhere you go you’ll hear it. Accusatoriness is mobile. Every initiative you want to undertake you’ll have to do political permutations first. You can’t be free. Yet all those political permutations are a waste of life’s resources. It’s the creation of redundancy. It’s why you want to marry someone who genuinely cares about you, not someone trying to dominate your spirit. You want to give love voluntarily in a marriage not under compulsion. That’s no longer love. Love is just something you do.
Love is easier when parties are committed to love, peace and happiness. Of these three peace is paramount. Without peace love has no expression except as long suffering. Don’t marry a tyrant. And a poor tyrant is worse. His miniscule masculinity will power his emotions. It’s also why you don’t want to marry a lazy fellow, especially one who wants a good life. You’ll become a slave. You’ll have to work to undertake the responsibilities of a lazy fellow in marriage. Either that or it all falls apart. So take your marriage decision carefully. It’s that one decision. It’s not about the wedding gown, it’s about the wedding crown. Will he treat you like his queen?
Now, that’s not saying you should be selfish in marriage, taking and expectant without giving. If you do that the guy will feel used and his feelings will spill over into many areas. But if you get your one decision right you have a lifetime of happiness in front of you. It’s your life we’re talking about not a ceremony. After the ceremony comes the marriage. Your mentor, LA