My dear Jil, you have to be careful about a self-centered attitude in a relationship. It has consequences. The problem many times is that people who exercise this trait are so used to it they’re not even self-aware. They’re used to getting away with intolerable behavior. That is until the pliant boyfriend says he’s had enough. Then like Esau they begin to cry to have the man back. They begin to beg for what was theirs. Unbearable behavior cannot be your operating system. You will lose the relationship, even in marriage. Selfishness inoculates against sensitivity.
There’s a limit to which you can push a man. Every man has a push back point.And for many the answer is a walkout.You should never assume someone can’t walk out of a relationship. That someone loves you is no license to do as you please. And if you keep being selfish in your relationship…keep pushing the man, at some point he’ll walk out. Now, I don’t know why you did what you did but you shouldn’t do such. You willfully hurt your boyfriend, said terrible things. I’m troubled you did that to the one who cares for you – one of the few people who really care. You need to examine why you did that. You must get to the root of it, lest it haunts your marriage. And if you push away all those who truly love you guess whom you’re left with!
Over-generalisation is very dangerous in life. You can’t blame all men for your bad experiences. You can’t hate men and want to marry a man. There’s something contradictory in that somewhere. You need to get rid of that anger, that bitterness. If you don’t, it will destroy your happiness in marriage. There’s something down there you need to resolve… That thing that makes you lash out at people involuntarily. It’s almost a reflex action, the lashing out. And it’s highly unpredictable. Don’t even know if you’re aware.It suggests you mediate on perceived sleights, that you reach thought conclusions that are filled with pain and frustration. On the surface you seem to be okay,there’s restraint; but the topography of your heart betrays you. There’s something in there that makes you want to punish people indiscriminately. You have to excavate it. And you’re so locked into yourself – I mean your real self not the personage you project. That lashing out suggests an inner churning of anger, like some giant mixer inside a volcano. Angry thoughts are like lava. They have a potent viscosity. When they boil over they incinerate relationships. Poisonous plumes of anger and bitterness suffocate relationships. And men can’t handle temperamental women.
The male species has limited emotional capacity. While you see yourself as entitled to lashing out in anger, he sees an angry uncontrollable woman. When you say those hurtful things he gets very afraid, really afraid of the future. And words can wound. He begins to ask himself if he wants to be locked up in a marriage apartment with this person. He sees you as someone to whom no appeal can be made, someone who can’t abide sensible instruction. He worries about that mean streak, that dark emotion you do so much to camouflage mechanically. He’ll be afraid of offending you. Fears he’ll encounter a spirit of unforgiveness. Lashing out at people cannot be a right. There’s no such license in a relationship. It’s emotional abuse.
In a relationship, actions instigate reactions. Some reactions are silent contemplations, others determinations.Why seek to punish a man who loves you! Think about it. What kind of testing is that? Of what?! The idea behind it seems to be proof of love entails forbearance of acts of cruelty. What kind of philosophy is that?What if the table were turned? What if HE seeks to prove your love by being cruel to you? There’s something about porcelain. Once you break it,you can’t put it back. The heart is like that.In a relationship, abuse makes the heart undergo material transition. It starts as sinew but over successive abuses, it becomes porcelain material. It’s how hearts get broken. If you shatter a man’s heart however he tries, even he can’t put it back together again. There are things not worth attempting in a relationship. There are things you shouldn’t try. You can’t undo them.If something is of value to you don’t treat it like trash! And that’s the danger of getting away successively with bad behavior. It numbs sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Long after you’ve lost control you won’t even be aware. Until a catastrophe happens. Then you realize too late.
Get rid of that victim mentality you have. You’ll continue to do harm to yourself. A victim mentality makes you repudiate that which you desire. And without realising it. You’ll be wondering why men break up with you successively, which in turn reinforces the victim mentality. A victim mentality will prevent you from giving in a relationship. You will always expect to collect, like some debt. At your age, you’re old enough not to blame anyone for the consequences of the past. You have to move past the past. Truth is, nobody will care about all those stories after a particular point. It’s your local event. You have to move on – past the pain, past the anger. You have to seek happiness. You have this one life. Are you going to waste it blaming others? Life moves faster than we imagine. Before you know it you’re old! You don’t want to wake up one day asking yourself where have all your years gone. Seek happiness. But you’re not going to find it inside others. Your locus of happiness cannot be external. Has to be internal. Lest other people determine the quality of your life. If you get rid of these things – the moody anger festering inside like dark matter, you have a shot at happiness. Sort yourself out. Then the world around you will be sorted out.
Your mentor, LA
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