My dear Jil, you’re going into a contractual relationship not a marriage. May God grant you wisdom to know the difference! When a guy insists you get pregnant or he won’t marry you, just know it’s a surrogacy contract. Of course he’s highly presumptuous about the forces of life with such proposition. What if you get pregnant and he marries you but thereafter lose the pregnancy? And what happens to the marriage? And what if you indeed deliver a baby but you lose the baby? What happens to the marriage? And what happens to you if you can’t have another child suppose you lose the one that produced the marriage? These things happen and have happened and will continue to happen. We don’t control life and there are forces beyond us.
This entire relationship is predicated on procreation. No pregnancy and your marriage plans are nothing but a pie in the sky. So this guy wants to be having sex with you with only one aim, getting you pregnant to produce a child. The marriage is secondary. But what if you get pregnant and he reneges on his promise to marry you? It’s happened several times, keeps happening. He broke off with his wife because the marriage produced no kids. It’s why he’s going for a fresh younger you. You’re the unsullied. (Apologies to Game of Thrones). You’re pristine, undefiled by other men. You’re fresh meat. He thus reckons your chances of procreation are higher. No possibility of complications from a past D&C. But how do we know he’s not the one with the fertility problem? Do you know his sperm count? If your ovaries are in overdrive but his sperm count is not up to par, your marriage dreams are in effect a mirage. You’ll keep working, hoping, not realising he’s the one with the problem.
This man’s love is conditional. If you don’t deliver him a baby there’s obviously no love for you. If you don’t deliver that baby within a specified period he’s going to alienate you and go for another girl. And if you lose the baby after marriage he’s going to treat you bad. He’s going to feel you tricked him. Don’t ask how. There are many cases of abandoned young girls like you with similar circumstances. Shouldn’t you learn from their mistake? Don’t forget his real desire is a male child. It’s just not been communicated to you. If you deliver a female child, he’ll only half accept it. You still have to work to deliver that male child. May God help you if he’s indecorous and impregnates another girl as he hedges his bet. And if that girl delivers a male child your marriage goes to the doghouse. Whichever way this thing goes you’re setting up yourself, entering unlovingness. You’re only as valuable in this relationship as you can deliver on a promise outside your control. By the time this man abandons you your youth would have been roughened up. You’ll be frayed at the edges from usage. Your innocence would have been violated. You’ll enter into bitterness alley.
All the trappings this man promises are things that in a few years you’ll be able to afford yourself. But you’re looking for shortcut in life. You want a luxurious life without the benefit of hard work or patience. Now, that you wrote me I believe is providential. So I’m going to tell you simple truth: this man doesn’t love you. The validity of a marriage or the quality of commitment to a marriage ought not to be based on procreation. Conditional marriages unravel once the basic condition is unmet. In your case that condition is procreation. You’ve put yourself in a King Henry VIII bind. You should read that history, or watch The Tudors. All this man was looking for is a child bearer. And he found inexperienced you. This man is 20 years older than you.
Now, I do understand where he’s coming from. He wants an heir. But whether you should volunteer your life and future happiness for such a task is another thing entirely. There are younger men who’ll love you for who you are, who’ll be devoted to you come rain come shine. You want someone whose love is not conditional, who’s ready to roll a dice on human biology. You don’t want someone hedging his bet on marrying you, and whose affection is totally conditional. After he’s had the first child what if he changes the goalpost and decides two is insurance? And if he can decide on two he can decide to go for three. That’s total eradication of the marriage understanding. He’s shifted the goal post. You’ll have to scramble all over again trying to meet his procreation targets. And God forbid if you’re in menopause and the child dies. What happens then? Is he going to hate you and kick you out? But won’t he not hold you responsible?
This is not a wholesome relationship. This is bargain hunt on both sides. You’re hunting for material comfort, he’s hunting for a baby. The other danger is, you may be in this situation for some time and when the time he’s allocated is up, he’ll cut you off. Then what happens to all those stories you’ve told about how wonderful he is? How are you going to face your friends? You’ve been regaling them with tales about this man, who clearly knows what he’s after but you don’t know what you’re doing. Statistically speaking these things don’t often play out well. Don’t become the wrong statistic. Listen to your parents. As it is they’re in a tough position. You’re the key factor and you’re in the guy’s corner. He’s manipulating you against your parents. Because they’re not that well to do he’s dictating usurious terms. You think this is the easiest way to escape poverty but shortcuts oftentimes end up being long cuts. Your parents have resigned themselves to your wishes as it were.
Please reexamine the assumptions of this contractual obligation. Consider the points I’ve raised. The reality of marriage is unlike those TV dramas. TV dramas are only one hour long. Your life stretches before you. If you work hard and are diligent you will attain the comfort you need. Look for a serious young man you can partner with. One day, you’re going look back and thank God you didn’t go into this arrangement. If you listen.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org
For related letters, search for Pregnancy Exeat, What Is Most Important To A Man, at http://jacknjillive.com.
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