My dear Jil, from what I can see, I think the problem is your extreme faith in overt sexuality. You believe men can be manipulated sexually and you’re right. But you have a locked in contradiction in such philosophy. It’s why you can’t understand why he’d go for this other girl though you’re prettier and more socially gifted.
There’s a way men view these things, I mean overt sexuality, and you need to be aware of that. They see it as manipulatory. A manipulative spirit cannot be trusted. All that manipulation points to willfulness. That’s the underlying factor. His family does not want their son to marry a manipulative person. They know there’s a willfulness locked in. You can’t trust a willful person for the simple reason she’s unpredictable. Can do as she pleases. A willful person does what she wills irrespective of consideration of any larger picture or local consequence. People tend to be afraid of confiding in a willful person. She can divulge the information based on self-righteousness. She can decide to divulge the confidence to the very subject matter of the information out of her wisdom. She’ll do it because she believes that’s how things should be. Has her own agenda, believes she knows better than everyone.
A willful person is uncontrollable. She does what she likes, many times based on flawed and reckless judgment. No one can trust a willful person. He who does, does so at his peril. His mother doesn’t trust you because she can sense that willfulness and all that manipulativeness. She can’t trust your gift. It’s all calculated, given with a pointed purposefulness. It’s not sincere. In other words, you’ve become too smart for your own good, to your own detriment. How’s that wisdom? You need to imbibe simple sincerity. The overt sexuality is a put on. It’s insincerity with manipulative intent. Yes, you can get men with all that sexual manipulativeness but you’ll still pale as wife material beside a sincere heart. And it’s not as if you don’t have a good heart. Only that your smartness gets the better of you. It makes you untrustworthy. And so you’re working against yourself, killing trust in you. And trust is the most important factor in marriage. Would you trust a guy whose every act is designed to manipulate you? Would you trust his actions? Exactly!
The quality of relationship you want cannot accommodate sexual manipulation. The logic excludes manipulation of any type. Why don’t you drop all that stuff going forward? You have enough going for you without it. Don’t blame his mother for standing against you. You’d do the same if the tables were turned. And clearly not all men are the same. The breed of man you want can’t abide all that manipulation. Obviously what works to get some men will not work to get others. The universal formula for men is not universal after all. But would most men notice the overt sexuality? Of course yes. Would all men take you to mama? Clearly no!
It stands to reason if you want to marry a trustworthy person, portray trustworthiness yourself. If you want wholesome relationship come across as wholesome. But of course in your thinking you can’t see the connection between the overt sexuality and lack of trust. That because YOU know you can keep secrets so why the lack of trust. But men distinguish confidentiality from trust. It’s kind of technically nuanced for them. Confidentiality is about information management, trust is about character. Trust is bigger. Many will be loathe to call a manipulative person a person of character. You never imagine anyone will call you manipulative but that’s the quality of all that overt sexuality.
From what I gathered, this other girl is not that pretty. But she has solid character. Can be trusted implicitly. And that’s what he went for. That trust meant more to him than all your beauty and sexuality combined. He’s afraid you can do him in in future. You’re willful and your sense of what is right is based on your selfish agenda. Don’t forget you’ve hurt him before. He told you something confidentially and you took it to the subject matter. You believed you knew better than him, that you were pursuing the right course, even on his behalf and that’s pride. There’s a price you pay for such willfulness. No one will trust you with confidences. These are very big issues with men. Willfulness rubs men off. Some divorcees will readily attest to the fact that beauty means nothing without character. The irony is you want to be perceived as having character, yet you do things that erode perception of character. I don’t know if you can snatch him back from this girl. Plus they had known each other from school. He’s tired of you. She was his friend in school, and she seems like a breath of sincere air compared to your overly sexual presentations. He trusts her. Implicitly. In his moments of crisis in school it was her he turned to. She was there for him without a marriage objective. She was his friend in the true sense of the word. But all what you do seems geared towards marriage. She did things for him sincerely, like a friend. You were so intent on being girlfriend you forgot to be his friend. You were so focused on being sexually attractive you forgot to be character attractive. It’s why you lost out even though you thought you had an edge over her. I’m not sure you realize it but you had a trophy wife strategy rather than a trusted wife objective. It’s no wonder his mother threw her weight behind the other girl. She knows her every expression of respect is genuine. But you express respect to his mum because that’s what you’re supposed to do to get him and she sees through it. It’s like your gifts. It’s all calculated. Both gifts and respect are coming from the same place.
Unfortunately, you don’t want to marry the kind of men who respond to overt sexuality. That’s your contradiction. All your actions are thus tinged with calculated insincerity. It’s why you lost out. At the end of the day, every man needs a woman he can trust. You’d want a man you can trust too. Sincerity and honesty go a long way in a relationship.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.org
For related letters, search for Deconstructed Relationship, Juanita Wants You and Surround Sound at http://jacknjillive.com
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