My dear Jack, didn’t you know what she looked like without make-up before marriage? If after marriage you’re complaining about what she looks like without make-up, I then wonder about the quality of your courtship. Some women look pretty with or without make-up. Your woman in your estimation does not have that grace is what you’re saying. But that begs the question about the quality of relationship you had and how real you were to each other during courtship. It means you never saw her in unguarded moments. Means you never saw her without that mask. How do you court for a year and all you saw were only made-up versions of your girlfriend? What’s the quality of that courtship? Surely you must have known she went to bed without make-up. So it’s reasonable to assume she has an image sans make-up. And it’s also reasonable to assume she won’t always have make-up on after marriage.
You seem to have had a pristine concept of what your wife would look like; eyebrow perfectly coifed, lips perfectly lined… But there’s a reason it’s called make-up. It’s artistry. The face is a mere canvass. And there’s a reason the industry is HUGE! It’s also reasonable to wonder if she snores. I hope you considered that. It’s in the same package as no make-up. And it’s reasonable to assume she performs dietary ablutions, unless she’s a bionic woman who feeds on engine oil. Then there are menstrual periods. That should be a reasonable expectation of a husband too. Unless she’s menopausal. If you never imagined seeing her in her natural state, what exactly did you think you were marrying? A mannequin?
It seems just extraordinary your wife of a few days is no longer attractive to you because you’ve now seen her without make-up. Means your relationship was based entirely on her physicality, not the quality of her heart. Means your relationship had no depth before marriage. And I doubt if there was true friendship. Just surface material. A relationship can’t subsist on only the physical. That’s because man is three-dimensional. He’s spirit, soul and body. You never knew her. Her. You just got carried away with her looks, which now turns out to be a mirage. I hope you also realize there’s something called Wonderbra, as in pushup bra. I suspect you may soon contend with that reality too. And there’s something called Spanx. Also false eyelashes. Those fluttering lashes are glued on, you know. You should reasonably expect that the day after your wedding you’re going to see her without Spanx, Wonderbra or make-up. These are reasonable expectations of a reasonable man going into marriage. You’re assumed to be seized of these facts once you decide to marry.
The quality of a relationship has to be deep going into marriage, or you’ll have the challenge you have now. There must be an identification, a deep level of commitment by both parties going into marriage. The commitment and friendship is what should inform the decision to marry not just the look. Oh, I forgot, there’s something called “hair extension” too, you know, weave on. Those overnight-hair are actually wigs. For all you know, she may not have much hair. She may have scanty patches. But thank God for “extension”. I’m not saying the physical doesn’t matter. It does. And yes it regulates attraction. But no woman wears make-up 24-hours a day. She has to remove the make-up at night. She needs to aerate her face overnight. She’s not an Egyptian mummy you know! Only Egyptian mummies wear 24-hour make-up. And by the way, those nails may not be natural too. If they are that smooth, chances are they’re acrylic. Glued on. I’m just saying a reasonable man ought to expect these things. You’re disappointed because you had no reasonable expectations.
Your wife is not the sum of her looks; she’s the sum of her heart. The looks is surface reality, even if desirable. You’d be shortchanging yourself devoted to looks and ignoring the heart. Looks matter but the heart matters more. And so as much as we’re attracted to the looks of women, we ought to pay more attention to the heart. I’m not sure therefore that you really know this woman you married. Means your courtship will begin in marriage. It may be rough for some time because you guys hardly know each other. But you need to persevere. And while we’re on this, you might also want to know that sooner or later she’s going to spot some grey hair. In fact, her hair may become a bush of gray hair. Again that should be a reasonable expectation of a reasonable man. Most of what you saw at parties and socials were therefore actually “packages.” You and your wife need to spend time together knowing each other. Concentrate on substance this time. Your vanity is already catered for. She looks pretty in make-up. You have nothing to fear about outings.
The problem you have is intimate realism. Your challenge is unvarnished intimacy. Better be careful about telling her she doesn’t look pretty without make-up. You’ll do damage to something. The damage may be to her self-esteem and confidence; or it may be the relationship itself. But now you know “artist” in “make-up artist” is not superfluous. Make-up is artwork. You’ll have to get used to her au naturel look. And I do hope you also realize she farts and belches too. Being real with you. Now, you see boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is not the same as marriage. Marriage is where the rubber meets the road. So adjust. And you start adjusting by adjusting your expectations and accepting the reality of her actual look. What else can you do? You’re already married. And you didn’t marry a mannequin.
If you don’t accept her looks without make-up you’re going to lay yourself open to an alternative possibility. And that’s going to create complications in your life. You’re going to become someone you won’t believe. If her face is such a problem for you, concentrate on her form. It can work. But work on deepening friendship and commitment in your marriage. It’s a longer-term solution. And now you know why they say marriage is not for boys, it’s for men. It requires maturity. It’s not about ephemeral stuff. I don’t like her looks without make-up hardly seems a reasonable ground for divorce. Especially a marriage of a few days old. The big moral in marriage is, caveat emptor. Look that up.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | email@example.com
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