My dear Jil, you’re not going to have everything you want in a man, any more than you can be everything a man wants. The man who is EVERYTHING you want has to be someone you made. In which case you’re divinity. Man is the sum total of his genetic ancestry, nurture, knowledge, environment, cultural and spiritual influences. It’s hard to therefore, imagine that a man will be 100% of your requirement. You have no influence on any of those factors. By the time you arrived on the scene the man was already “formed.” Every other modification is now voluntary. And so we marry those who are largely what we want, not everything we’d desired. Or we’ll never marry. That man you want doesn’t exist and can’t exist. You’ll have to create him yourself. And you have to be afraid of creating such a man for yourself considering flaws in your judgment, character and make up. That means whatever you create must necessarily be a flawed individual. You’re flawed in your thinking.
If you manage to create a perfect being, you disqualify yourself from marrying him considering you’re not perfect. He’ll have a moral right to seek a matching perfect woman, which you’re not. None of us is everything our partner wants. But we try and adapt, we try and improve. That’s why it’s called marriage. These things you want in your husband have an embedded logic which may not accommodate other wishes by you. You have to ask yourself what was that fundamental thing you wanted in this man? What was the main attraction? Don’t forget your main attraction was the fact he’s a very responsible man. You knew he’ll work hard to take care of his family. And you’ve not been proved wrong. He works hard, very hard to take care of his family. He’s devoted to you, loves you and thinks the world of you. He wants nothing but you. He doesn’t want you to lack. He feels irresponsible when he can’t take care of your needs. You saw all that in him and you avoided those handsome irresponsible Lotharios.
Now, there’s a natural logic to a guy that devoted to his family, a guy who works so hard. It means he will come home late from work for example. (He’s working for promotion). He’s also the head of a unit. It means sometimes he’ll be so lost in that work he doesn’t pay attention to some things. That’s the embedded logic. This is not to say those things are excusable, but we improve ourselves in marriage, work on our deficiencies. But this guy is a fundamentally responsible and loving gentleman. That was what was important to you, why you married him. Now, having had that, what you’re doing is attaching too much weight to his deficiencies instead of loving him despite them. Or better still, instead of loving him because of them. Isn’t that why you’re the perfect fit for him? What he lacks you have. You’re like someone who wants icing on a cake but then throws the cake itself away because there’s no icing. You’re agonising so much over the icing you forget you have the cake.
To people who have icing but no cake, you’re under-appreciative of what you have. A woman who has a lazy husband will for example wonder at you. Are you willing to trade the fundamental qualities of this man for those extras? That’s a question you need to ask yourself. Can you feed on icing without the cake? How long can you feed on icing? What does that do to your health? Sometimes destruction of a marriage begins with offences. You have to watch out for offences about undefined sins. It means the green feeling has entered into that home, taking possession of your being. Be careful about resentment.
Yet you’re not everything yourself. That he celebrates and loves you doesn’t mean you’re perfect. He just made a choice to love you and overlook the rest, absorb the rest. Unfortunately, that can give you a false sense of perfection. Have you ever sat down with him to ask him about those things he would like which you’re not? Sometimes, marriage insists we can’t eat our cake and have it. Would you rather trade this guy for the husband of your friend who does every other thing except be responsible? When a guy is responsible there’s a future for the family. An irresponsible guy thinks of no future. I’m just saying the fact he forgets birthdays should not be a ground for a criminal indictment festooned with grudges. You may be surprised to know there are many husbands who forget birthdays. But many are married to forgiving wives. Some of these guys can’t even remember their own birthdays! Do you destroy your marriage because he forgot your birthday? Would you rather a man who celebrates you once a year to a guy who celebrates you in his heart every day?
Again, I’m not saying it’s excusable for him to forget your birthday. As long as it’s important to you he ought to try remember. But we don’t begin to pluck the feathers on our marriage because of such minor things. You can’t see it but you’re already building up accusations against your husband. You’re going to crucify your marriage. There are great things in marriage and there are minor details. Don’t major on the minor. You have a great guy. Don’t lose him to immaturity. You also have to recognise some things don’t come naturally to some people. We’re all different. Some people grew up in wholesome families and are naturally adapted to some things. Not everyone did. You married one of such. It means those things which come naturally to you he has to make effort about. You’re wise to appreciate him for such EFFORTS, to appreciate his difficult strivings. You also have to recognise not everyone grew up reading Mills and Boon or Daniel Steele. So don’t have expectations of him from the template of characters in those books. That’s seeking the impossible.
In marriage, we reconcile ourselves to what we can’t have and thank God for the things we do have. It’s not always easy but some things are less important than others. Stop brooding on your husband’s deficiencies. Appreciate the things he does, those things that are so magnificent. And stop transferring your frustrations on to him. He has nothing to do with the fact of your current state of employment. You have to guard your emotions so you don’t become jealous of your spouse.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | email@example.com
For related letters, search for Watch This Behaviour and Emotional Stinginess at http://jacknjillive.com
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