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Choosing a partner

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My dear Jack, you don’t know much about life, do you? When the subject of your pursuit ominously warns you you have no idea what you’re trying to get into, shouldn’t you reflect? I mean this is direct warning, it’s not some third party hearsay. The woman herself is warning you. She’s in effect telling you you shouldn’t be pursuing her but if you decide to continue, don’t complain if you suffer. She’s warning you you don’t know what you’re dealing with, that you really don’t know her, or know ABOUT her. In other words, your romantic notions are completely out of whack with reality. There are hidden realities about her below the surface is what she’s telling you, things you know nothing about. But you have decided to be the famed hunter in D.O. Fagunwa’s Forest of a Thousand Demons. You’re ogboju ode! You have decided to go hunting where mortals fear to thread. I admire your courage, or foolishness.
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Dear Jack, I think you’re conflicting sex for love. You don’t really know the love of a woman, just sex. You’re at that age testosterone is raging like a bull and primal desires are seeking to overrun your life. The love of a woman is much more than sex Jack. You don’t get it. To the woman who truly loves you sex is a sacrificial offering, an oblation – the religious giving of self. Continue reading

Jack, the first thing is to make sure you marry the right woman. See all those rules governing wonderful marriages… They don’t work with the wrong partner. Your expectations will be unrealistic if you have the wrong partner. Expected reactions will not tally with desire. And the right partner is first and foremost, someone who genuinely loves you, someone who cares about you. The wrong partner on the other hand is someone who just wants to marry. You’re just a vehicular pod. Love is a great motivator in marriage. It makes many things happen, encourages the taking of initiative. Continue reading

My dear Jack, let me give you a simple guidance system for your marriage. I know there are so many rules on how to love a woman, so much so the rules rival the Book of Deuteronomy. But love is supposed to be quite natural. Continue reading

My dear Jack, but you’re not going to marry her mother or sister! You’re going to marry her, not her family. If she’s critically deficient in character the goodness of her family can’t save the marriage. Neither her mum nor sister is going to live with you. 

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Dear Jack, do you know what homunculus means? It means little man. When you’re petty and you nag no end, you’re designating yourself homunculus – a little man. (As is the man who inflicts violence on a woman. He’s also homunculus – little man). Continue reading

My dear Jil, I get worried when I get mails like yours. Come on, think! By your own admission this guy is temperamental and you doubt he loves you – you feel he’s using you as placeholder. Continue reading

My dear Jil, take it that you have just one decision to make, not a flurry of decisions. And it’s important you rightly frame the question. Sometimes, we make a mistake in framing the marriage question.

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My dear Jil, let me tell you about signs and wonders. I’ll tell you a story. There was this nice and wonderful gentleman who met a lady some years back. Continue reading

My dear Jack, there is something called fevered imagination which afflicts young men. When we have a desire for a woman our imagination can be so fevered we begin to romanticize what does not exist. Your imagination will produce another version of the lady for you. It will be a warm imagery powered by desire. You will begin to see what is not in the real life person, get pleasure from the phantom your imagination creates. If you juxtapose the real life person with the fevered imagery, the real life imagery will feel cold. Can jolt to reality. The fevered edition of the woman produced by your imagination is desirable because you’re projecting your desires. In other words, you’re falling in love with the woman you created in your imagination, not the real life person.

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