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Choosing a partner

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My dear Jack, there is something called fevered imagination which afflicts young men. When we have a desire for a woman our imagination can be so fevered we begin to romanticize what does not exist. Your imagination will produce another version of the lady for you. It will be a warm imagery powered by desire. You will begin to see what is not in the real life person, get pleasure from the phantom your imagination creates. If you juxtapose the real life person with the fevered imagery, the real life imagery will feel cold. Can jolt to reality. The fevered edition of the woman produced by your imagination is desirable because you’re projecting your desires. In other words, you’re falling in love with the woman you created in your imagination, not the real life person.

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Dear Jil, sometimes the people we’re considering for relationship or marriage are inadequate for us. It can be financial inadequacy, or mental inadequacy, or spiritual inadequacy, or cultural inadequacy…or motivational inadequacy, or emotional inadequacy, or expression inadequacy…The inadequacy is why we’re not satisfied, why all the person does can never be enough. The challenge many times is there’s nothing the inadequate person can do. He’s given to the limit of not just his ability, but also his capability. What inadequacy says in effect is that people may actually not be ABLE to change. Continue reading

My dear Jil, let me tell you a very sad story. I want us to draw a lesson or two. There was this genial old man everyone loved. He was kind, compassionate, generous. He prayed for everyone, related with everyone, reached out to everyone, in love. He was a wonderful father and a wonderful father-in-law to the husbands of his daughters. Old men as you know fall sick every once in a while. That said he minded his health. He was a doctor’s dream. Continue reading

My dear Jack, you must avoid the trap of messianic heroism. What is messianic heroism? Let me try and explain. When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you before you commit. And this is irrespective of the status of your relationship with him. Continue reading

My dear Jil, you don’t have bad luck, you’re just exercising poor judgment. I get a lot of mails like yours from young women who have had successive broken relationships. These women sometimes feel there’s something wrong with them; that’s why their relationships don’t lead to marriage. They wonder why almost immediately after break up the guy goes on to marry someone else. Continue reading

My dear Jack, I was watching Dr. House the other day…I don’t know if you follow the series…You know, the program about the brilliant doctor whose mental state is somewhat sometimes questionable…Anyway, I was watching the program and there was this patient who suffered from agalmatophilia. Agalmatophilia is a sexual deviation involving attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I think you’re mixing up some things. In choosing a groom it’s right to look at the personal qualities of the person, not just his family. He may come from a wondrous family but if he himself lacks the qualities of a good husband, you’ll have marital issues. And so you have the man, his familial context, which by the way is very important; but then you also have the marital ambiance. Continue reading

Dear Jack, what I’m trying so hard to help you avoid is the “20year Mistake.” You see, there are some relationship mistakes we make in life that take twenty years to get out of. I know it sounds incredible but it’s the truth. Continue reading

My dear Jack, I don’t know if you should continue to chase her. You’ve been at it for almost a year. The time elapsed does not qualify for playing hard to get and I’m not sure you’re what she wants. She’s not even making it possible for you to broach the subject of proposal. She’s stylishly dodging the issue. Continue reading

Okay, let’s talk about this “fit” we’ve been talking about. You see, there are three pressure points for men when it comes to relationship. They are the head, the heart, the groin. The order of course depends on each man. For some people the groin comes first, for others it’s either of the other two. A good choice takes cognizance of all three though. Continue reading

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