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Conflicts

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My dear Jil, you’ve got to break this chain of she said, she said, she said. It’s all gossip. Gossip is why there’s present continuous fight among you and your friends. Hardly is one she said settled when another she said resurfaces. Sometimes she said within she said. And so your relationship with your girlfriends is in a constant state of she said she said she said. And you’re so few. There’s a fluid alliance generated by all this gossip. Your friend today may say something behind your back tomorrow. Then to defend yourself you have an ally with someone who said last week, only you fought before the new she said. It’s like someone is playing you guys like marionettes, like someone stirring up strife among you. With all this gossip you and your friends are more or less a “Real Wives” TV series now. All we need is cameras.
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My dear Jil, at some point you’ll have to take responsibility for your life, especially as it concerns marriage. I do understand your mom’s concerns but she’s only looking at the “image” of the family, not your emotional health. This guy you’re betrothed to… He doesn’t love you. He’s just taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. But life assumes you’re mature enough to handle issues by yourself once you decide you want to marry.
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Dear Jack, you can’t afford an unhappy partner. You’d be playing with depression. She’s going to drag you down into a subterranean dark alley. It’s a place off the grid, a pit – a very dark jail. She’ll sap the life out of you, sap all your vigour. You’ll just know you’re growing dull, your energy being depleted. By the time you’re through with the relationship, you’ll be a husk of your self. Your health would have been destroyed. Deeply unhappy people have this conversation going on in their head. It’s a conversation no one knows anything about. An unhappy person lives in a world of interpretation. Everything is interpreted. And so facts turn into another set of facts. Your health won’t survive living with such a person. You’ll always be on the defensive, and the facts won’t matter. It’s those interpretations of facts that are true to her. They’re what she works with. Innocuous acts will take on new meaning. There’ll be negative interpretations attached to simple facts. The thing about such people is that they’re constantly accusatory. It’s their thought process. Anything you do will be turned into an accusation. And if you’re exonerated she’ll create another premise of accusation. You can’t win. Continue reading

Dear Jack, can you help me get this letter to Jil?

“My dear Jil, let me tell you a little bit about divorce, what many people don’t get… I’ve listened to all you said about your friend and his marriage. But these things are more complex than we imagine. And divorces don’t happen overnight, except of course in Vegas. Continue reading

My dear Jil, there are things you ought to forget in life, things you shouldn’t try to remember. You shouldn’t be regurgitating past relationship trauma, especially if partial amnesia has set in. That’s healing going on.

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Dear Jack, come on! How could you have fallen for this ruse? Clearly this woman targeted you and you fell for it. Any woman could have warned you. Women see these things afar off! And women say men never see these things, that men underestimate devious intentions of the feminine variety. Women can smell a groom raider miles off, which is why they implement strategic defensive maneuvers. This woman clearly set you up. She came needful of emotional comfort with a view. Of course one thing will lead to another. And now she’s pregnant. Only now you realize you were set up. I warned you about opportunistic sex. You ought to be careful, though in your case that advice is no longer applicable. Continue reading

Dear Jack, sometimes we land into trouble about marriage by not intellectually discerning nuances of definition. Last time we spoke I told you the difference between falling in love and the workability of a relationship. They are two different things. A lady can for example fall in love with a wife abuser. But will the marriage work? By the way, violence is a no no in a relationship. Once the line of violence is crossed a perfidious and wanton license of abuse has been printed. Continue reading

My dear Jack, in homicide, detectives are always looking for motive from three factors: money, sex and revenge. I was thinking about that and it occurred to me that these are the very same factors that destroy marriages. You of course know the role of money in a marriage. We’ve discussed this before. A marriage comes under intense strain when there’s no money. Continue reading

Dear Jack, well, I don’t know about your girlfriend hanging out with her ex. Just seems weird. She’s in constant communication with this ex, he asks her out when he’s in town… And she expects you to understand! Seems she enjoys his company. They’re still friends she says, nothing will happen… Continue reading

I think the issue is the inability to take things seriously…things like vows. That’s actually serious stuff. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, and he wouldn’t contemplate leaving you. It’s just that he’s not reached that point in life in which he realizes some things are more serious than they appear to be. He will get there. Continue reading

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