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Conflicts

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My dear Jil, I feel I need to write you once more about that “f” word – forgiveness. Forgiveness is a hard thing no doubt, and yet it’s the easiest of things. Forgiveness is only hard when we regurgitate and re-experience the pain and the trauma visited on us. Memory loss, and the willingness to have memory loss are critical to forgiveness. There are experiences that should not be relived. Every time you recall a painful experience it’s like peeling the scab on a wound. Continue reading

My dear Jack, don’t play with little things in your marriage. It’s the little things that are dangerous. We don’t pay enough attention to dangerous clues – the little big things that matter to our spouses. Continue reading

My dear Jil, when heads clash in a relationship, the heart can’t mesh, and that’s the problem you’ve been having in your relationship. There’s stubborn willfulness on both sides, more especially yours. So even though both of you are individually wonderful, there is a clash of personalities and clash of wills. Continue reading

My dear Jil, there are texts you shouldn’t read, in fact there are people whose text messages you shouldn’t open. If you know someone doesn’t like you or hates you, why read texts from such! You do yourself harm by opening texts from those who hate you. Continue reading

Dear Jack, I’m sorry your second marriage broke up. You had so much riding on it, so much hope invested. Of course I’m taking a public stand in support of you. May not go down with religious folk but what have I to do with them. Grace says don’t condemn or judge others, that you’re no better than anyone. Continue reading

My dear Jil, this is what I’ve been trying to warn you about, and I wish you’d listened to me. In much the same way I tell Jack to understand women, you also have to understand men. It does make sense to try and understand the gender you’re going to marry. You need to know how men reason. It will make your relationship easier. You’d know what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’ve taken time to think about it, you know, just think through. I surmise the most important thing in a relationship is sincerity. It’s the basis of trust. Once you remove sincerity from a relationship everything becomes contrived, everything becomes manipulative. Continue reading

My dear Jil, you can’t continue this way. You’re going to hurt yourself and hurt those who love you. You have pain and anger. The reality of life is that we all run the risk of being hurt in a relationship. It’s an inherent risk Continue reading

Dear Jack, there is just something about a very simple, heartfelt sincere apology. If you’ve offended her, simply say sorry. Don’t try and justify it, just say sorry. The tone of apology matters. A defensive tone will not work. Neither will a justification tone. The point of saying I’m sorry is not the point for self-justification. You can’t genuinely say, “I’m sorry” shouting either. It’s incongruent. It sounds more like, “I’ve been telling you I’m sorry and if you can’t accept it, then do whatever you like!” Or, “You’re exasperating me, I said I’m SORRY!” That’s not being sorry, that’s making a point.
Continue reading

Dear Jack, if you don’t want the truth, don’t ask me for advice. You can’t ask people for counsel and then get angry when they tell you uncomfortable truth. Goes to the question of why you asked for counsel in the first place!  Continue reading

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