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Conflicts

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My dear Jil, you can’t continue this way. You’re going to hurt yourself and hurt those who love you. You have pain and anger. The reality of life is that we all run the risk of being hurt in a relationship. It’s an inherent risk Continue reading

Dear Jack, there is just something about a very simple, heartfelt sincere apology. If you’ve offended her, simply say sorry. Don’t try and justify it, just say sorry. The tone of apology matters. A defensive tone will not work. Neither will a justification tone. The point of saying I’m sorry is not the point for self-justification. You can’t genuinely say, “I’m sorry” shouting either. It’s incongruent. It sounds more like, “I’ve been telling you I’m sorry and if you can’t accept it, then do whatever you like!” Or, “You’re exasperating me, I said I’m SORRY!” That’s not being sorry, that’s making a point.
Continue reading

Dear Jack, if you don’t want the truth, don’t ask me for advice. You can’t ask people for counsel and then get angry when they tell you uncomfortable truth. Goes to the question of why you asked for counsel in the first place!  Continue reading

My dear Jack, thank you for your mail. Let me give you a simple quiz – one or two questions for you to consider: If a guy constantly beats up his girlfriend, do you think wedding will change this habit and auto-reform him? If the girl in question were your sister, would you advise she goes into marriage with such an abusive boyfriend? And if she does go into marriage with this abusive guy would you be surprised he turned out to be a wife beater? Wouldn’t you say that the marital abuse was predictable and fairly certain given his antecedents? And that short of a miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus, such a man’s behavior is highly predictable? Continue reading

Dear Jack, you really have to be careful about toying with the emotions of women. That’s dangerous and volatile stuff. It’s liquefied natural gas and if it gets combusted the damage will be incalculable. It’s not stuff you joke with. I know there’s all that “sampling” philosophy out there, but people often get enmeshed in their sampling. Sampling has consequences. And when it plays out, samplers get messed up big time. Things get so messy. Be careful about your dalliances. You may end up with multiple children from multiple women. Nobody plans for that obviously, but it happens. And once children are introduced, that’s a permanent situation. It can take a lifetime to sort out the mess created and it may haunt you till you die. Continue reading

My dear Jil, life is full of trials. We all go through our fair share of trials. And yet you’ve been such a brave young woman. You’ve passed through what most can’t imagine or contemplate. You’ve experienced things that defy definition, or even explanation. It’s almost as if you’ve lived three lifetimes judging by the quantum of your experiences. And each challenge life has thrown at you, you’ve somehow punched down, even in utter weakness. Who knew you were so strong! One by one you beat the odds. Continue reading

My dear Jack, no one can force you to marry whom you don’t want to marry. Choice of marital mate is your prerogative. Marriage is an act of will. It’s why we say, “I do”. That presupposes we can say, “I don’t”, even at the altar! You shouldn’t marry under compulsion. If you don’t want to marry someone, don’t! But that doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for the natural consequences of your actions: If you impregnate someone you’ve got to take responsibility for the pregnancy. And please don’t tell me the pregnancy was a mistake. Considering how pregnancy comes about, how can it be a mistake? You went into a young woman. You impregnated her according to the order of nature. If you were not mistaken with penetrative deliberateness, how come the result of your ardour is now tagged a “mistake”? Continue reading

Dear Jil, you’re going to run into serious problems with the forces you’re toying with. Not sure you know who or what you’re dealing with. You don’t know Satan. So you want this man to love you and you’ve enlisted the help of Satan. You went to the voodoo priest / juju doctor. You don’t know what you’re doing. Let me tell you how the demonic beings you’re employing operate. Continue reading

My dear Jil, there’s such a thing as emotional stinginess. You can’t be emotionally stingy in your relationship. You want a boyfriend who fawns over you, telling you he loves you… But you deliberately hold back on reciprocation. You don’t want to be emotionally forthcoming, or even gracious, just so you’ll be in control of the relationship. It smacks of meanness, borders on coldness, manipulatedness and hardness. It’s a narcissus complex. If the guy adopts the same self-induced emotional constipation what do you think will happen?  Continue reading

My dear Jil, I keep telling you to leave this past alone, to get away from it as fast and as much as you can. If you don’t leave the pain of the past where it belongs, you’ll damage your marriage and your future. You won’t be able to relate well with your husband, and you’ll punish him for the sins of your father. Lots of marriages have broken up not because of present tense but of past participle. And you’re in a losing position here. The man that conditioned your worldview is long gone! You’re fighting a dead man. How can you win? Continue reading

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