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Letter to Jil

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My dear Jil, it happens to all of us. Discouragement I mean. And I understand. Your birthday is approaching, and it’s yet another reminder you’re not married. You’ve prayed, done everything you know to do and it just seems the guy is not forthcoming. The ones that show up are the ones you don’t want. And you don’t want to compromise out of desperation. Yet in some ways you’re emotionally desperate. If only God would do this one thing for you, this one thing! Continue reading

My dear Jil, let me tell you about signs and wonders. I’ll tell you a story. There was this nice and wonderful gentleman who met a lady some years back. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I was at the Freedom Foundation documentary screening penultimate Saturday and what a documentary! It was about the great work being done by that organization. It’s led by Dr. Tony Rapu. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’m going to talk to you about a virtue not in abundance in this world of ours – patience! Marriage requires patience. Couples have to be patient with each other. Very patient. If you keep flying off the handle, you’re not going to have a happy marriage. Will be full of tension. Besides, it’ll provoke an equal and opposite reaction in the counterparty, your spouse. Two can’t afford to be mad at the same time in a marriage. A wise party will defer even legitimate feelings in that situation. In a marriage, emotions have consequential value. We’re either building our marriage or tearing it down, daily. When in anger we say unconscionable things to our partner we forget we can’t take the words back. And words are powerful. Words can damage human psyche, words can eviscerate affection. If there’s something you should be mindful of in marriage, it’s words. Spouses are supposed to build each other up, not tear each other down. Spouses are meant to be supportive, not denigrative. Continue reading

Dear Jil, I think it’s good for husband and wife to share, to talk about things – issues and life’s challenges. Marriage makes a burden lighter. Two can share a problem, two can think together, pray together. And when discouragement comes you draw strength from your partner. That’s why marriage is a binary equation. Carrying the load yourself may prove too much for you. Share the burden with your partner. The more you share burdens and issues the closer you become. Both of you are involved in each other’s life. Continue reading

My dear Jil, this is the story I was writing:

“He fumbled the key on the lock, prised it open and stepped into the house. As soon as he stepped in he could feel the atmospheric difference. The house felt cool. He interrogated the coolness. The difference was marked. His head told him the house felt cool because he was stepping in from the glare of a sun about to go home. The problem was, there was light in the sitting room. The sun managed to filter through the slits of the venetian blinds. So it wasn’t the absence of harsh sunlight that accounted for the shade in the house. Something else seemed responsible. Continue reading

Jil, I don’t know if it’s wise bringing your old boyfriend into your relationship. You’re only going to complicate your life. If you want to re-date your old boyfriend then make it tidy. Break up with your present boyfriend. But you can’t date your old and current boyfriends together. You’re going to create issues. And you may be inserting a dangerous trustworthiness factor into your relationship. If you end up marrying your present boyfriend, he may just not be sure about you in the future. You’ll have destroyed the security of the relationship. He’ll always be thinking anything can happen. And he’ll hedge his bet, emotions and exposure; after all you can take off after another man in future. How is he going to trust you or fully commit to you without leaving an allowance for disappointment? I’m just saying think through what you’re doing. You may be damaging the future.

Continue reading

My dear Jil, couples owe themselves a duty of care. A relationship is customized and privatized affection. By care, I mean the actual caring for one another. But it’s not limited to that. It also involves the notion of caring and WANTING to care. The wanting to care is what we call affection. Yes, we take those oaths during wedding ceremonies – For better for worse, in sickness and in health… So there’s a context of care when your partner falls ill, or when things take a wrong turn. But care is beyond illnesses. If we limit it to just illness it means the man who never falls ill will never receive care. Continue reading

My dear Jil, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, Deja Vu. It’s a 2006 movie. Stars Denzel Washington. It’s about an ATF agent who travels back in time to prevent a domestic terror attack against a ferry carrying 543 US Navy sailors, their families and crewmembers. (ATF stands for Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and explosives). The amazing time-travel technology employed was a program called Snow White. It enabled the investigating team to fold time four days backward – precisely 4 days, 6 hours, 3 minutes, 45 seconds, 14.5 nanoseconds. They could do this using several satellites to triangulate image of events. But the system had a limitation. It can only see past events once, and there’s no fast forwarding or rewinding, though it can record. Snow White is actually a time window. And with it you can alter what we ordinarily call destiny. Continue reading

Dear Jil, sometimes the people we’re considering for relationship or marriage are inadequate for us. It can be financial inadequacy, or mental inadequacy, or spiritual inadequacy, or cultural inadequacy…or motivational inadequacy, or emotional inadequacy, or expression inadequacy…The inadequacy is why we’re not satisfied, why all the person does can never be enough. The challenge many times is there’s nothing the inadequate person can do. He’s given to the limit of not just his ability, but also his capability. What inadequacy says in effect is that people may actually not be ABLE to change. Continue reading

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