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Key Questions For Jack


How do I succeed in life?

  • Courage is grace under pressure

    My dear Jack,

    I woke up this morning thinking about you, your circumstances and challenges. I know you spent yesterday putting out fires. Your faith was really stretched but somehow you survived! Whew! There are one or two opportunities out there and you need that one deal to come through, at least to relieve some pressure. But things seem to be slow moving and even dependent on one or two things. You know I read something from Hemingway. He said courage is grace under pressure. When I think of you that statement comes to mind.....

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  • Develop The Right Attitude To Work

    Dear Jack,

    I came across a shocking incident yesterday, the full narration of which will overwhelm this medium. Essentially though, a young man almost destroyed the electric power generator of his employer. You know what that means in Nigeria!....

    Continue Reading
  • Giving And Its Role In Business Development

    Dear Jack, this morning I’d like to share some thoughts with you about giving and its role in business development. The value of a gift is incalculable both to the giver and the receiver, but curiously the greater beneficiary is the giver!....

    Continue Reading
  • Mental Tenacity

    Dear Jack,

    It’s been some days but I remembered you in my meditation this morning!....

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  • Strategise On Life

    Dear Jack,

    I was thinking of you the other day, and I said to myself, “He ought to take time off at the beginning of every year to meditate and strategise on his life!” Indeed, everyone should take time off to meditate on life, career, or business. That’s what big corporations do! They review and plan. It’s a factor of their success. They review the previous year, set targets for the new year, think through possible challenges.....

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  • Stop Believing Lies!

    My dear Jack,

    I don’t get it: why do you believe in lies? (I’m exasperated)!....

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  • Philosophy Of Attainment

    Dear Jack,

    It’s 2am but I just have this stirring to share some things with you. We’ve not spoken in a week because of the publication of my twitter novel #NOVUS.....

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  • Loyalty

    My dear Jack,

    It’s another weekend and as is my custom, I’m writing you a thought. My topic today is the subject of loyalty. It’s not something you find in abundance today but it’s a value you must hold dear.....

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  • Patience

    My dear Jack,

    It is another Saturday and as is my custom, I’m going to share a life lesson or two with you. Today I want to share with you that most improbable of all values expected of a young man (or woman) – patience!....

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  • The Seven Laws of Umugudunga

    My dear Jack,

    Today, I want to share a short parable with you.....

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  • Flibbertigibbet

    Dear Jack,
    Let me intimate you about the life and times of a young man named Flibbertigibbet. Quite a mouthful of a name I agree. Trips up your tongue. And you have to study the pronunciation too. It’s not one of those names you can’t pronounce in rapid fire succession, unless you’re a rapper. To get round the tongue twisting, his friends simply call him “Fli”. I’ll oblige you that honour in this letter.

    ....

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  • Mr. Tu and the gift of difficulty

    Dear Jack,

    You’ve probably never heard of a gentleman named John Tu. He’s the co-founder and CEO of Kingston Technologies. Now 73, but he doesn’t look it.....

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  • No Ferraris in Heaven

    Dear Jack, I want you to take a sheet of paper and draw three circles. In the first circle write “Vocation”. In the second write “Relationship”. In the third write “God”. Those are the three circles you need to mind if you want all round success.

    My attitude towards vocation, and anything I do really, is to pour my life and energy into it. If you want to succeed at what you do, life demands no less. Whatever your hand finds to do, do with all your might. It’s unrealistic to put in 10% effort and expect to come off better than those who put in 120%. Even talent demands hard work.....

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  • A Man of Quality

    Dear Jack, have you ever read something and a phrase just leaps at you in a powerful embrace? Sometimes it’s because the phrase is planted outside its textual native soil. It leaps desperately into your consciousness. Well, I’m studying the biography of Daniel and this phrase just leapt at me – “Daniel, man of quality.” It’s one of those iconic phrases, like “A man for all seasons”. That’s the title of the equally iconic play by Robert Bolt. The Tudors TV series is actually a dramatisation of the issues in A Man For All Seasons.....

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  • Responsibility

    Dear Jack,

    You can’t be married and be so selfish, so self-centered and so irresponsible. You’re just going to destroy lives, and if care is not taken create bitter children. Marriage is not about me, me, me. It’s about her, it’s about us, it’s about them. (By them I mean the children).....

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  • Something Called Focus

    Dear Jack,

    It is important as a young man for you to have focus. Time has allotments for stages of attainment. If you don’t achieve certain things at a certain age it becomes much harder later, or falls into the crack of opprobrium. There’s a time to go to junior school for example. If you go much later in life you must be willing to despise shame. That’s the manner of life. It has expectations for slices of our years on earth. When we fail to adhere to its timetable life rewards us with shame, or makes things harder. That is not saying we cannot achieve after the generally prescribed or allocated time. It just means you have to be very determined to achieve. That’s the way to overcome life.
    By the same token life expects you to put your act together before a certain age. That presupposes you have a vision – meaning you want to become successful. Now life doesn’t mind if your vision is blurry. It understands the limitation placed on humans. We are creatures of time. We can only see so far. There’s an event horizon. But life insists you have a vision, whether sharp or blurry, whether written or inner. You can’t achieve without a goal or target. There’s nothing to work towards. You must apply yourself to the opportunities life presents to you.....

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  • Spaceship Endeavour

    Dear Jack, I want you to focus and determine your priorities. As a man you have to be mindful of achievement. Whether we acknowledge such or not, your determination to succeed will impact your girlfriend’s love for you. Being real! No one wants to date a loser! Or a non-achiever. You’ve got to focus on achievement.

    You’ve got to have a primary project every year – something momentous you’re pursuing for the year. It may be buying a car, or moving house, or travelling, or getting a promotion, or certification. It’s important for you to be moving in the direction of your dream, but it’s also important you FEEL you’re moving up. If your girlfriend thinks you’re not going to be an achiever, truth is, you may lose her to an achiever. The lazy man soon loses his wife to the industrious and successful, says that African proverb.....

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  • Potential

    Dear Jack, listen. I’m not saying there’s no love, but will it work? That’s the real question. Don’t conflict the love between two parties with the mechanics of the relationship. Think of it as a car. The concept design may give you fuzzy feelings but if the engine has issues you have no car. The feelings of love are like those fuzzy feelings about the concept design of the car… Oh, it has leather interior… The design…Oh so marvellous! But what about the engine of the car? Now, nobody mixes up the feelings about the design of a car with its engine. But the two are not mutually exclusive. The feeling of joy derived from the design of a car is not the same as the mechanics of the car. Two different things. In the same vein, falling in love with someone is a separate issue from the workability of the relationship.....

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  • This Biggie Of A Life

    My dear Jack, I think I’ve told you this before, not sure… Life has secret corridors. Life is a virtual reality geography, and unfortunately we don’t have a map. All we have are certain coordinates to well worn paths. Nobody has a map of the terrain of life. We do know however that if you follow a certain course in life you will end up in good places. And we also know that if you follow another set of routes you will end up in very bad places in life. And so even though life is so vast, the paths taken by those before us give us an idea of what paths to follow or not follow. The great coordinates of life’s geography are values.....

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  • What Do You Want To Do With Your Life?

    My dear Jack, you have to note there are a lot of distractions in life. Life’s distractions are so many, some seemingly innocuous but they will derail you from your course. You need focus as a young man. You’ve got to know what you want, the kind of life you want. And then you have to work assiduously to accomplish your goals and dreams. You must learn to face the day with purposefulness, to attack each day with mental strength. There are so many discouragements out there, so much so you can wake up discouraged and fearful. If you don’t mind your thoughts you’ll find yourself meditating on discouragement every morning. The essence of discouragement is immobilization. Discouragement paralyzes. It’s why you need to move forward in any way you can when you’re down. That requires mental strength. It’s very easy to give up in life. Don’t ever! Don’t let discouragement bully you. You’ve got to look discouragement in the face and stare it down. You must face your day with tenacity.....

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How can I get over heart break?

  • Let not your heart be troubled

    My dear Jack,

    Hope you slept well despite it all. This morning I have an exercise for you!....

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  • To The Pure

    My dear Jack, I came across this deep statement the other day: To the pure all things are pure. I took some time to reflect on it. It’s such a powerful statement. It means a given set of facts will be interpreted differently by varying sets of people, depending on perspective. I’m not so concerned about the moral dimension of the statement. That’s pretty obvious. I’m rather interested in the principle embedded. That is of more practical significance since it’s multi-applicable.....

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How do I develop a relationship with God?

  • Faith

    Dear Jack,

    Thank you so much for your words of appreciation. I have been sharing with you from a very deep place and today, I’m going to be talking about faith.....

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  • Diary of Blessings

    Dear Jack,

    I want to share with you a little habit I instituted to keep me in perspective and make me grateful. I decided to open a little diary of good things that happen to me, of wonderful and unexpected blessings from God. It’s my dairy of blessings.....

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  • Being Cool Is To Reverence God

    My dear Jackson,

    I asked your brother Jack to deliver this letter because I’ll be away all week. We’ll talk when I’m back. You raised certain issues in your letter. I think it all boils down to self esteem – what you think of yourself. Give it a few years and you’ll realise those “cool” guys you spoke about are operating on a false definition.....

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  • Faith and Red Bull

    Dear Jack,

    You want to know about my religious belief? (*Smiles*) Okay! I suspect you’re asking because of the timing of my Sunday tweets. You wonder if I go to church but I do, every Sunday!....

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How do I develop my career?

  • Develop The Right Attitude To Work

    Dear Jack,

    I came across a shocking incident yesterday, the full narration of which will overwhelm this medium. Essentially though, a young man almost destroyed the electric power generator of his employer. You know what that means in Nigeria!....

    Continue Reading
  • Mental Tenacity

    Dear Jack,

    It’s been some days but I remembered you in my meditation this morning!....

    Continue Reading

How can I be more effective in my business?

  • Giving And Its Role In Business Development

    Dear Jack, this morning I’d like to share some thoughts with you about giving and its role in business development. The value of a gift is incalculable both to the giver and the receiver, but curiously the greater beneficiary is the giver!....

    Continue Reading

How do I value myself more?

  • Celebrate Yourself

    Dear Jack, I hope you get to read this before you leave for work! I’m going to suggest you do something unusual this morning!....

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  • Stop Believing Lies!

    My dear Jack,

    I don’t get it: why do you believe in lies? (I’m exasperated)!....

    Continue Reading
  • Celebrating Wisdom

    My dear Jack,

    As you very well know today is my birthday. I want to celebrate it by celebrating others, and giving out gifts. I’ll also like to share some wisdom with you.....

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  • Meditations On Freedom

    My dear Jack, here I am this morning in a lovely countryside in the land of the Queen. I am visiting with my childhood friend. It’s 5am in the morning, and I’m sitting alone, as I often do here, before everyone wakes up, meditating. I’m meditating on life and freedom. That’s the subject laid on my heart this glorious morning in England. I hear the chirping of the birds, and the Bee Gees crooning on a beloved antiquated CD player near the fridge in the kitchen. That’s a ritual I perform here. I make the obligatory tea, and then switch on this CD player. The sun is filtering in through the surround glass windows of the kitchen. It’s my favourite meditation spot in the house. The sun is particularly warm today, unlike its usual watercolour without warmth expression atypical of English weather. I see the huge garden to my left…yellow wild flowers, and a little bird perched on the immaculately barbered green ledge. It’s a cornucopia of silence, the quiet wailing of the CD, the sounds of nature and the glare of the sun.....

    Continue Reading
  • He Raped Me!

    My dear Jil, rape is a very traumatic experience. It is so traumatic it can terrify a marriage years down the line. Women have been known to die from rape. It’s because it’s beyond physical. It’s a violation of the sacred. Rape is so vicious it can shred the fabric of a soul, alter the balance of life energy. It kills something inside. Rape is not just one more incident in society. At the retail level it is the scarring of someone’s life. Our society ought to take rape much more seriously than we do. There’s a cultural shrugging of shoulders about rape. It’s locker room talk in boys’ circle, as if it’s some weekend discussion about Chelsea and Arsenal. Some young men in fact revel in the fact of rape. Which is really sad. Witness how some boys boast about raping a girl. Our tolerance of such banter and disposition is the cultural equivalence of conditioning boys for rape. There are boys boasting about rape in secondary school, boasting they assaulted girls during school socials. And for some boys it’s a sorority ritual. Which makes you begin to ponder the fundamentals of our society. And now we have livestreaming of rape. If only the law allows castration. Then there are those sickos who rape kids – eight-, nine-year olds. Some even babies. Surely such people are deranged. A nine-year old can’t know how to interpret rape. She’ll malfunction.
    ....

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  • Stale Relationship

    Dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what this guy means when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is stale. How can a relationship be stale? Is it bread or what? Has the relationship gone moldy or expired? What’s he saying? Is he in a relationship but not in a relationship? It’s not very clear and you better be clear. A relationship is a relationship whether moldy or not. Whether stale or not he’s still in a relationship. Ascribing the characteristics of a fungi-infested bread to a relationship isn’t exactly helpful in this circumstance.
    ....

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What are the characteristics of a gentleman?

  • Kindness

    My dear Jack,

    Today I want to share with you the feedback I got from a young woman on her first date with a certain gentleman. The crossing of their paths began fortuitously in an ice cream parlour. ....

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  • Lagos Landlord Syndrome

    My dear Jack,

    You’re a victim of Lagos Landlord Syndrome (LLS). It’s a term I coined for your situation. What’s LLS you ask? I’ll explain.....

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  • The Gentleman's Code

    Dear Jack,

    I’m a bit concerned about some of the things I see going on. Seems our societal values are now so warped distortions are normative.....

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  • A Man of Quality

    Dear Jack, have you ever read something and a phrase just leaps at you in a powerful embrace? Sometimes it’s because the phrase is planted outside its textual native soil. It leaps desperately into your consciousness. Well, I’m studying the biography of Daniel and this phrase just leapt at me – “Daniel, man of quality.” It’s one of those iconic phrases, like “A man for all seasons”. That’s the title of the equally iconic play by Robert Bolt. The Tudors TV series is actually a dramatisation of the issues in A Man For All Seasons.....

    Continue Reading
  • Responsibility

    Dear Jack,

    You can’t be married and be so selfish, so self-centered and so irresponsible. You’re just going to destroy lives, and if care is not taken create bitter children. Marriage is not about me, me, me. It’s about her, it’s about us, it’s about them. (By them I mean the children).....

    Continue Reading
  • Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year Jack, I hope you had a very nice holiday. I did, and I’m pumped up for the year. I told you you’ll need God’s help in the propagation of this year. Remember we spoke about spirituality last year. I’m talking an honest simple relationship with God. I asked you to open a diary of thanksgiving, to diarise the good things God does for you. Now is the time. It’s the only way to appreciate the immensity of God’s goodness in your life. You won’t realise until the end of the year. Human memory is alzheimic. It tends to forget. And it didn’t happen if we can’t remember it. That’s the nature of memory. ....

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  • Mr. Goode

    Dear Jack, you do need to do good to people, to seek to be a blessing to others. Make it a habit. Let me tell you a story about a gentleman, Mr. Goode. He was always trying to do good, always seeking to be a blessing. Yet this man suffered one of the most hellacious trials in life. Friends betrayed him, enemies assailed him. In the furnace of his trials the man kept doing good, never wishing anyone ill, not even his enemies. He never sought vengeance against those who did him evil though he had considerable clout to afflict them. For this his enemies redoubled their efforts, tormenting his life and destiny, leveraging the pain in his life. He was actually going through a divorce. He just wanted to be free from the trauma that threatened his health and life.....

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  • Laws of Emotion

    My dear Jack, let me teach you two laws to be cognizant of in this relationship. The two laws seem obvious, sound almost stupid. Yet they’re so potent and powerful. Sometimes, laws and principles seem so obvious. Take gravity for example. It seems so obvious. And yet that law determines a whole lot of things. You couldn’t fly without taking cognizance of gravity. The things that are obvious in life are sometimes so consequential, sometimes so potent. I came upon these two laws of relationship as I meditated on my bed very early one morning and I thought to share with you.....

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  • Valentine Jack

    My dear Jack, tomorrow is Valentine. Time to prove your love and mettle. All those sweet things, and all those imagining – ¦time to prove them. Tomorrow is a verb not a noun. In the competitive department, Valentine means a lot to ladies. Everyone in the office checks out what each person received. It’s a time for one-upmanship for ladies – a sort of my gift is richer and bigger than yours undeclared competition. It’s also when ladies assess the quality of love a man has. And that’s measured in effort and gift quality.....

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  • Grand Deceit

    My dear Jack, you’ve got to be careful not to buy into the culture of grand deceit now prevalent in relationships. By grand deceit I mean dating a girl and giving her the impression you will marry her, but planning another wedding. In one or two cases there was even a family introduction, but no plan whatsoever to marry the girl. Just deceit. The guys in question planned two weddings simultaneously without any intention of showing up at one. Your friend knew he won’t marry this young lady, yet he kept her, all the while planning wedding to another. The girl never knew he had another girlfriend, and he kept sleeping with her, giving her false hopes and making demands.....

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  • Messianic Heroism

    My dear Jack, you must avoid the trap of messianic heroism. What is messianic heroism? Let me try and explain. When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you before you commit. And this is irrespective of the status of your relationship with him. God is that way. He loves everyone. Usually there’s a quarrel. And this is not your ordinary quarrel. There’s a definitive quality to it. It’s a, “We either go on or we terminate right now” kind of quarrel. Or sometimes there’s a major revelation of a fact that is so crucial and potentially lethal. Like discovering she does drugs, or she’s been sleeping with her ex, or fooling you about a salient fact in her past. It may be the fact she has a child and never disclosed such. And the mother was in on it. That she has a child is not in itself a problem. It’s the level of deceit that is of concern. For the women it can be a violent lash out of unprecedented rage by the guy, or even the hitting of the woman. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact he’s been patronizing a prostitute, or is actually in another relationship. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact she’s in love with someone else. She’s only marrying you for practical reasons. She wants to settle down, her real love is not ready but you have a good business and are ready.....

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Can I date an older woman?

  • The Pros And Cons Of Dating An Older Woman

    Dear Jack, 

    Of course you can date an older woman! But there are realities that attend to such decisions. There are pros and cons.....

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  • Dating a Rich Older Woman

    Dear Jack, so you want to date a rich older woman? Well, it’s quite ambitious to be honest with you, considering you don’t have much! There’s also the socio-cultural challenge of your environment. It’s going to raise an eyebrow. Even in Europe and America, a substantial age difference will still elicit quiet questions and knowing looks.....

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What is love?

  • Don't Confuse Your Lust With Love

    Dear Jack,

    I know women draw up lists but knowing what I know about life, I smile at such gestures. Life is not a supermarket. We have our wishes no doubt, but life often has ideas that render lists redundant.....

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  • What Is Love?

    Dear Jack,

    There’s a lot we need to learn about this animal called life. (I’ve chosen to be a student of life). The philosophy of life we adopt determines the outcome of our lives. Choose your philosophy carefully I’d say. The source of the philosophy of life we adopt must be proven, comprehensive in scope and robust. It cannot be limited or developed solely from our circumstances and experience. That’s the surest way to end up as prisoners of our circumstances and difficulties.....

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  • To The Original Jack

    This week’s #Letr2Jack is Mrs Alder’s response to Leke Alder’s Val letter.

    My darling husband,....

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  • May You Meet A Wonderful Woman!

    My dear Jack, I don’t know if you should continue to chase her. You’ve been at it for almost a year. The time elapsed does not qualify for playing hard to get and I’m not sure you’re what she wants. She’s not even making it possible for you to broach the subject of proposal. She’s stylishly dodging the issue. Rejection is not easy. It can’t be easy taking a javelin in the heart or 9inch nails. But it’s a rite of passage and it’s the lot of many men in life, though some people are target practice. Some men are of course lucky; they have a choice of women. Some men even have women running after them, but the average Joe is not that lucky. He gets punctured with one or two rounds of nails before getting lucky, and some men don’t get 9inch nails; they get stiletto heels! In fact, the prettier the woman the sharper the stiletto tends to be.....

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  • Meditations On Freedom

    My dear Jack, here I am this morning in a lovely countryside in the land of the Queen. I am visiting with my childhood friend. It’s 5am in the morning, and I’m sitting alone, as I often do here, before everyone wakes up, meditating. I’m meditating on life and freedom. That’s the subject laid on my heart this glorious morning in England. I hear the chirping of the birds, and the Bee Gees crooning on a beloved antiquated CD player near the fridge in the kitchen. That’s a ritual I perform here. I make the obligatory tea, and then switch on this CD player. The sun is filtering in through the surround glass windows of the kitchen. It’s my favourite meditation spot in the house. The sun is particularly warm today, unlike its usual watercolour without warmth expression atypical of English weather. I see the huge garden to my left…yellow wild flowers, and a little bird perched on the immaculately barbered green ledge. It’s a cornucopia of silence, the quiet wailing of the CD, the sounds of nature and the glare of the sun.....

    Continue Reading
  • Knowing Your Partner

    My dear Jack, in homicide, detectives are always looking for motive from three factors: money, sex and revenge. I was thinking about that and it occurred to me that these are the very same factors that destroy marriages. You of course know the role of money in a marriage. We’ve discussed this before. A marriage comes under intense strain when there’s no money. Tempers will flare, suspicions will reign. In certain contexts there’s even suspicion of witchcraft trained on the wife. There’ll be no shortage of emergency roadside prophets seeing visions and enemies. Men in particular don’t do well without money in marriage. It’s almost as if the man’s virility is wilted. A man without money in marriage often interprets innocuous acts as derision of his manhood and financial status. He’ll feel his lack of finance is causing disrespect to his person and providing political leverage to the woman. The more serious ones go into depression. It’s demoralizing when a man cannot provide for his family.....

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  • Love Makes All the Difference

    Love is what makes all the difference, and you’ll be doing yourself a lot of harm marrying someone who doesn’t love you. What’s the point really? What’s the point of a marriage without love or affection? Why go into such? Without love marriage becomes a dry fig. There’s a harshness about it. It’s a coarse grainy dryness. Such dryness has the micro rough quality of a harmattan haze. It’s dusty and wheezy. A marriage without love is unimaginable yet imaginable. Each party will withdraw to his or her section of the marriage. Interactions will be contractual. The interactions will be based on obligations – children, rent, events, neighbours, etc. If you don’t love someone it’s better not to marry the someone. The marriage will float above the lives of the individuals. There’ll be no connectedness. Oh, you’ll go through all the marital ablutions including sex, but the sex will be dissociative. It will amount to no more than a relief system for you as a man. And the sexual congress may turn into the claiming of “your right” since you know the woman doesn’t love you. A marriage without love soon becomes a contest of rights. It will escalate to divorce eventually, or a state of conjugal stalemate. The parties will be married but not married. The parties will do stuff separately, create different lives. The only commonality will be they occupy the same space. It’s a matter of time before they move to separate bedrooms if the context permits. That’s usually progressive, say someone locks herself there after a particularly harsh quarrel. The lady (or man) will move out for the night, and stay the next night, and the next night, and the next night…Pride and irreconcilability will keep her there. What started as a protest gesture becomes permanent. Soon sexual intimacy will obey a prescribed routine. In tone it’ll be like a drawn timetable. The sex will be obligatory – an emotionless duty. Of course you can never be satisfied as a man.....

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  • The Love Of A Woman

    Dear Jack, I think you’re conflicting sex for love. You don’t really know the love of a woman, just sex. You’re at that age testosterone is raging like a bull and primal desires are seeking to overrun your life. The love of a woman is much more than sex Jack. You don’t get it. To the woman who truly loves you sex is a sacrificial offering, an oblation – the religious giving of self.....

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Why should I forgive?

  • Forgiveness Heals

    Dear Jack,

    I am not ordinarily interested in wild nature or safari but for some reason I tuned to Animal Planet on Saturday. And my wife and I became riveted by the narrative of the rehabilitation of a chimpanzee named Charley into the wild. Charley had the scars of life all over his face. His face was marred and sad. He had been rescued from man’s cruelty. I actually thought he was a baboon until my wife corrected me. They all look the same to me! Baboons are different from chimpanzees apparently. And not just because they have red butts. (Baboon is derived from Middle French “baboue”. It means grimace. This probably explains my attitude! :))....

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  • To The Pure

    My dear Jack, I came across this deep statement the other day: To the pure all things are pure. I took some time to reflect on it. It’s such a powerful statement. It means a given set of facts will be interpreted differently by varying sets of people, depending on perspective. I’m not so concerned about the moral dimension of the statement. That’s pretty obvious. I’m rather interested in the principle embedded. That is of more practical significance since it’s multi-applicable.....

    Continue Reading
  • He Raped Me!

    My dear Jil, rape is a very traumatic experience. It is so traumatic it can terrify a marriage years down the line. Women have been known to die from rape. It’s because it’s beyond physical. It’s a violation of the sacred. Rape is so vicious it can shred the fabric of a soul, alter the balance of life energy. It kills something inside. Rape is not just one more incident in society. At the retail level it is the scarring of someone’s life. Our society ought to take rape much more seriously than we do. There’s a cultural shrugging of shoulders about rape. It’s locker room talk in boys’ circle, as if it’s some weekend discussion about Chelsea and Arsenal. Some young men in fact revel in the fact of rape. Which is really sad. Witness how some boys boast about raping a girl. Our tolerance of such banter and disposition is the cultural equivalence of conditioning boys for rape. There are boys boasting about rape in secondary school, boasting they assaulted girls during school socials. And for some boys it’s a sorority ritual. Which makes you begin to ponder the fundamentals of our society. And now we have livestreaming of rape. If only the law allows castration. Then there are those sickos who rape kids – eight-, nine-year olds. Some even babies. Surely such people are deranged. A nine-year old can’t know how to interpret rape. She’ll malfunction.
    ....

    Continue Reading
  • He Forgot My Birthday

    My dear Jil, it’s important you distinguish between love and sentimental expression of love. The two are not the same and if you don’t distinguish them you may break your marriage. A man may deeply and sincerely love you but may be poor at sentimental expression. That he is lacking in the sentimental department doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he just needs to work on that. Of course, your feelings are legitimate, a man ought to express his love and appreciation to his wife. But you can’t say a man who works so hard to take care of you doesn’t love you. That will be unfair.
    ....

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How do I build self esteem?

  • Build Your Self Esteem

    Dear Jack,

    Let’s talk about this self esteem thing. It’s affecting your ability to get dates so let’s deal with it. Self confidence is important but there’s a false version of it. You see that in the club sometimes.....

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  • Doesn't Make Sense!

    Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
    ....

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How do I know when to get out of a relationship?

  • A Double Minded Person Is Unreliable

    Dear Jack,

    You really can’t afford this yoyo relationship. It’s dangerous to your health. I’m not really sure your girlfriend knows what she wants.....

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  • The Colour of the Door!

    Dear Jack, you know I’m sometimes amazed at young people’s protestations of love in the face of incubating tragedy. And I think you’re getting superstitious about your prospects with this lady you’re enamoured with. The stuff about if something is yours it’ll come back to you- it’s unfathomable fatalism. Means you’ll have NO i-d-e-a she’s yours until she’s back. How can a fact confirm a hypothesis retroactively? It’s neither prophecy nor wishfulness, and if wishfulness it’s not definitive. Defies logic or classification.....

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  • The Head, Groin And Heart

    Okay, let’s talk about this “fit” we’ve been talking about. You see, there are three pressure points for men when it comes to relationship. They are the head, the heart, the groin. The order of course depends on each man. For some people the groin comes first, for others it’s either of the other two. A good choice takes cognizance of all three though. But different weights are attached to each by each individual. The groin factor is of course easy to understand. By groin I’m referring to physicalities, and sexual attraction. But you can’t base a marriage decision on your groin only. Sex alone won’t and can’t sustain a marriage. There’s more to marriage than sex. The sex will lose value fast if your partner lacks character. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying sex is unimportant. It’s a powerful drive. But it’s inadequate to sustain a marriage.....

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  • Silent Hell

    Dear Jack, what I’m trying so hard to help you avoid is the “20year Mistake.” You see, there are some relationship mistakes we make in life that take twenty years to get out of. I know it sounds incredible but it’s the truth.There are many “20yr” veterans all over life. You’re just not aware. A typical mistake that can cost you 20yrs of your life is impregnating someone you don’t love who becomes mother of your child. You can’t wish the child away. It matters little whether you marry her or not. Opportunistic sex has consequences, and once a child is produced you step into unplanned history. That woman will be in your life for the duration of the life of that child, meaning till you die, other things being equal. No young man plans for that. It was opportunistic sex, remember! Just lust finding a partner. But life insists if you go that way, it means you planned for the consequences. You can’t complain. You have to adjust your life accordingly for having a child out of wedlock. ....

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  • Trouble!

    Dear Jack, I do hope you don’t mind the truth, ‘cause I’m going to say some very hard truth in this letter. Think of a fluffy whiff of cloud hanging between heaven and earth. That’s how your life is right now. You’re just hung there, not moving forward or backward – Just an eccentric piece of the mechanical vagaries nature. There’s a form to your marriage, just like the cloud. Yet the marriage has no form. It’s wispy vapour. The situation in your marriage is that you’re married but not married. Your life is spiralling out of control because your wife is malfunctioning, making a mess of your life. She’s moved out of the matrimonial home and journeyed abroad for no discernible reason. And so you’re making the commute from here to there like Johnny Walker, trying your best to keep your marriage together. She has you by the jugular. Your children have become human shields and bargaining chips. You’re just going through motions, like a somnambulist as she inflicts maximum damage on your psyche. Even the cost of flying up and down is eating giant holes in your pocket. Every cent you earn goes towards her upkeep, and that of the children. And she comes first.....

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  • Messianic Heroism

    My dear Jack, you must avoid the trap of messianic heroism. What is messianic heroism? Let me try and explain. When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you before you commit. And this is irrespective of the status of your relationship with him. God is that way. He loves everyone. Usually there’s a quarrel. And this is not your ordinary quarrel. There’s a definitive quality to it. It’s a, “We either go on or we terminate right now” kind of quarrel. Or sometimes there’s a major revelation of a fact that is so crucial and potentially lethal. Like discovering she does drugs, or she’s been sleeping with her ex, or fooling you about a salient fact in her past. It may be the fact she has a child and never disclosed such. And the mother was in on it. That she has a child is not in itself a problem. It’s the level of deceit that is of concern. For the women it can be a violent lash out of unprecedented rage by the guy, or even the hitting of the woman. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact he’s been patronizing a prostitute, or is actually in another relationship. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact she’s in love with someone else. She’s only marrying you for practical reasons. She wants to settle down, her real love is not ready but you have a good business and are ready.....

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  • Black Magic

    Dear Jack, this may be politically incorrect, but you better run from that marriage if your wife is dabbling in black magic. Your wife dabbling in black magic can’t bode well. You think those spiritual consultants are advising her on fashion? You’d long suspected. What with all the strange substances are turning up in your home. But now you have proof. And the nature of proof you have points to an escalation. And she’s admitted. You can’t live with a diabolical woman. It’s not called black magic for nothing. And just in case you want to fool yourself, love and diabolism don’t go together. Someone can’t claim to love you and yet seek to rob you of capacity to make independent judgment through magic. Why would anyone seek to coerce love out of you through black magic if not with evil intent? Black magic is certainly not a natural way to get someone to love you, or to make someone affectionately disposed. She’s been lacing your food with all sorts of substances. Health-wise it’s a miracle you’re still alive. And she’s either going to turn you into total dummy, or she’s going to kill you some day. Evil can never portend good. The notion of so-called white magic is a deceitful contradiction.....

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  • Ultimatum

    Dear Jack, well, I don’t know about your girlfriend hanging out with her ex. Just seems weird. She’s in constant communication with this ex, he asks her out when he’s in town… And she expects you to understand! Seems she enjoys his company. They’re still friends she says, nothing will happen…He doesn’t sound like an ex to me. He seems like a current boyfriend. Your relationship goes on hiatus at those moments. I wonder how she’ll feel if you decide to hang out with your ex. And if your ex can call and text you regularly. Perhaps any time your ex has a problem she can call you. And I mean any time. I wonder how she’ll feel. Perhaps if your ex also feels like hanging out you can leave your girlfriend to go spend time with her. After all you can also argue it’s just friendship and nothing will happen. She’s ex.....

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  • Redemptive Love

    Dear Jack, sometimes we land into trouble about marriage by not intellectually discerning nuances of definition. Last time we spoke I told you the difference between falling in love and the workability of a relationship. They are two different things. A lady can for example fall in love with a wife abuser. But will the marriage work? By the way, violence is a no no in a relationship. Once the line of violence is crossed a perfidious and wanton license of abuse has been printed. The chance that such a man will resort to beating the woman every time he’s frustrated is highly likely. Women have been known to get caught up in the emotional trap of, “But I love him,” even when the relationship is deleterious. And men have been known to get entrapped with sex and “But I’m crazy about her,” even when the relationship is detrimental. Men do that sometimes. A guy can get besotted with beauty knowing fully well the woman doesn’t love him. Such a relationship can’t work despite the guy’s love. And it’s going to bring pain. So love and workability of a relationship are two different propositions.....

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  • Set Up

    Dear Jack, come on! How could you have fallen for this ruse? Clearly this woman targeted you and you fell for it. Any woman could have warned you. Women see these things afar off! And women say men never see these things, that men underestimate devious intentions of the feminine variety. Women can smell a groom raider miles off, which is why they implement strategic defensive maneuvers. This woman clearly set you up. She came needful of emotional comfort with a view. Of course one thing will lead to another. And now she’s pregnant. Only now you realize you were set up. I warned you about opportunistic sex. You ought to be careful, though in your case that advice is no longer applicable.....

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  • The Accuser

    Dear Jack, you can’t afford an unhappy partner. You’d be playing with depression. She’s going to drag you down into a subterranean dark alley. It’s a place off the grid, a pit – a very dark jail. She’ll sap the life out of you, sap all your vigour. You’ll just know you’re growing dull, your energy being depleted. By the time you’re through with the relationship, you’ll be a husk of your self. Your health would have been destroyed. Deeply unhappy people have this conversation going on in their head. It’s a conversation no one knows anything about. An unhappy person lives in a world of interpretation. Everything is interpreted. And so facts turn into another set of facts. Your health won’t survive living with such a person. You’ll always be on the defensive, and the facts won’t matter. It’s those interpretations of facts that are true to her. They’re what she works with. Innocuous acts will take on new meaning. There’ll be negative interpretations attached to simple facts. The thing about such people is that they’re constantly accusatory. It’s their thought process. Anything you do will be turned into an accusation. And if you’re exonerated she’ll create another premise of accusation. You can’t win.The reason is because this lady lives in a mode – an accusatory mode. That’s literally her life point of view. It’s her reality, her window into the world. It’s why the accusations are relentless. And the problem goes way back. You can’t live under constant accusation. It will sap your energy, kill your spirit. You won’t survive. Most of the accusation will not even be verbalized. You’ll stand accused as a matter of thought. In other words, her every thought about you will be suspicion, grouse and ill will. How are you going to survive? The greatest mistake you can make is to reinterpret those facts yourself. And so instead of acknowledging simple truths about her, you’ll begin to create justifications. Why is she always dull? “Oh, she’s the melancholic type”, you’d say. Now you’re a psychologist! You’ll do great harm to yourself with that kind of denial. And one day you’ll discover the harm denial can do. Even now your spirit is being dragged down. You’re being subjected to fear. You’re afraid of how she’ll react to even gifts; you’re afraid of offending her. You’re in a relationship governed by fear. There’s nothing you’re ever going to do that will please her. She’s an accuser.....

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  • Butting Into Complication

    My dear Jack, you don’t know much about life, do you? When the subject of your pursuit ominously warns you you have no idea what you’re trying to get into, shouldn’t you reflect? I mean this is direct warning, it’s not some third party hearsay. The woman herself is warning you. She’s in effect telling you you shouldn’t be pursuing her but if you decide to continue, don’t complain if you suffer. She’s warning you you don’t know what you’re dealing with, that you really don’t know her, or know ABOUT her. In other words, your romantic notions are completely out of whack with reality. There are hidden realities about her below the surface is what she’s telling you, things you know nothing about. But you have decided to be the famed hunter in D.O. Fagunwa’s Forest of a Thousand Demons. You’re ogboju ode! You have decided to go hunting where mortals fear to thread. I admire your courage, or foolishness.
    ....

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  • Swiss Army Knife

    My dear Jil, at some point you’ll have to take responsibility for your life, especially as it concerns marriage. I do understand your mom’s concerns but she’s only looking at the “image” of the family, not your emotional health. This guy you’re betrothed to… He doesn’t love you. He’s just taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. But life assumes you’re mature enough to handle issues by yourself once you decide you want to marry.
    ....

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  • Stale Relationship

    Dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what this guy means when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is stale. How can a relationship be stale? Is it bread or what? Has the relationship gone moldy or expired? What’s he saying? Is he in a relationship but not in a relationship? It’s not very clear and you better be clear. A relationship is a relationship whether moldy or not. Whether stale or not he’s still in a relationship. Ascribing the characteristics of a fungi-infested bread to a relationship isn’t exactly helpful in this circumstance.
    ....

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  • CUT YOUR LOSSES

    My dear Jil, there comes a point we must stop digging ourselves in, in a relationship that’s no relationship. If you keep investing emotionally and materially in a relationship knowing your love is not requited, you’re digging a hole. There’s that point in this kind of relationship when we need to cut our losses. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. We’re talking years of life investment. But we can’t keep digging ourselves in, fooling ourselves we’re collecting clay to make bricks to build a relationship. The deeper the hole we dig, the more we’re caked in mud, and the more we disappear from view.
    ....

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  • Contrary Spirit

    Dear Jack, it’s important you discern the spirit of someone you’re considering dating. Rather than just being moved by superficial realities. What’s on the surface is being projected. The nice dress, makeup, the affectations, the sexiness…all those are projections. Those projections won’t give you a true picture of somebody, just an impression. Projections are independent of character. Projections won’t give you insight into the spirit or real nature of someone. A devious person can wear fitted skirt and look attractive. The prettiness of the skirt is not the true knowledge of the person. And anyway mass media has sold us an imagery of a cosmopolitan woman. You’ve been programmed by reality TV. That someone looks fine, dresses fine can’t tell you the character of the person. You have to discover that. The character is independent of the dressing. The dress is mere fashion, an artistic endeavour. So you may find yourself appreciating a dress rather than evaluating the character of the model you’re considering dating.
    ....

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What should I get my wife or girlfriend on her birthday?

  • Buying Her A Gift

    Dear Jack,

    It’s your girlfriend’s birthday in a week and you want advice from me on how to make it very special for her. You’ve come to the right source!....

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  • Recurring Decimal

    Dear Jack,

    You had a horrific experience with your last girlfriend. I’ll advice you avoid dating the same type of woman again.....

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  • Valentine Jack

    My dear Jack, tomorrow is Valentine. Time to prove your love and mettle. All those sweet things, and all those imagining – ¦time to prove them. Tomorrow is a verb not a noun. In the competitive department, Valentine means a lot to ladies. Everyone in the office checks out what each person received. It’s a time for one-upmanship for ladies – a sort of my gift is richer and bigger than yours undeclared competition. It’s also when ladies assess the quality of love a man has. And that’s measured in effort and gift quality.....

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  • Expensive Impressions

    My dear Jack, in every relationship there are specialties. The problem is, we’ve historically defined those specialties along sexist lines instead of extant capacities. Each party is better than the other party in some things, and less capable than the other in other things. It’s wise to understand what you’re good at, and what your partner is better at. And vice versa. A lot of these capacities depend on our temperament and make up, as well as our upbringing. Take something as basic as ironing. Some people hate it and some love it, all for different reasons. Life is full of minutiae, and we all specialize in different minutiae based on our temperament and interests. Some people are good at certain kinds of minutiae in a relationship. And yet they suck at others. If as a man, for example, you find negotiation tedious, why not leave it to your literal better half. Relationship is team effort, an essential team of two. Each party is important, or there will be nothing called relationship. And if as a man, you’re better at groceries, you better do the groceries and forget all that sexist stuff. The ability to recognize capabilities, capacities and differences goes a long way in making a wonderful relationship.....

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How do I maintain sexual discipline?

  • Sex Torrent

    Dear Jack, that’s a sex torrent you have out there. May God help you! You have sex coming at you from all sides. It’s on your entertainment news, music videos, fashion shows, on Twitter… You’re surrounded! It’s one of the reasons your sexual pressure is high. You’re bombarded with sexual imagery.
    Look at an hour’s load of sexual information from just one source on Twitter- a news desk: “Keyshia calls out her cheating husband on Instagram… Crazy fan viciously grabs Dr. Rey of 90210’s penis in public…....

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  • Set Up

    Dear Jack, come on! How could you have fallen for this ruse? Clearly this woman targeted you and you fell for it. Any woman could have warned you. Women see these things afar off! And women say men never see these things, that men underestimate devious intentions of the feminine variety. Women can smell a groom raider miles off, which is why they implement strategic defensive maneuvers. This woman clearly set you up. She came needful of emotional comfort with a view. Of course one thing will lead to another. And now she’s pregnant. Only now you realize you were set up. I warned you about opportunistic sex. You ought to be careful, though in your case that advice is no longer applicable.....

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  • Four Lessons

    My dear Jack, you lost the right to say those things many months ago. And you should know better. I’ve repeatedly told you to learn to take responsibility in life. You can’t impregnate a lady and begin to say those things I hear you speak. For example, it’s rather too late to say she’s not the type of woman you want carrying your child. She may well not be, but she’s already carrying your child. The argument is moot. You open yourself to charges of opportunism if you insist on that line of argument. Means your pursuit of crass opportunism became a fish bone lodged in your throat. As many will rightly ask, if you knew all that why did you sleep with her…why did you stray from your specs?....

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  • Overt Sexuality

    My dear Jil, from what I can see, I think the problem is your extreme faith in overt sexuality. You believe men can be manipulated sexually and you’re right. But you have a locked in contradiction in such philosophy. It’s why you can’t understand why he’d go for this other girl though you’re prettier and more socially gifted.
    ....

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  • The Seven Deadly Sins

    My dear Jack, I’m sure you’ve heard about The Seven Deadly Sins. They’re the stuff of legend in Hollywood. There’s even a movie with that title, though of a disturbing nature. The movie is about a psychopath. (Why do they always have those psychopaths for these things?) The seven deadly sins are Solomonic actually. They are the seven abominations. Though “The Parson’s Tale” in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales as well as artworks like Dante’s Purgatory, help illustrate the sins. If you want to have a successful marriage you have to be mindful of the seven deadly sins.
    ....

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  • She Set Me Up!

    Jack, come on you should be smarter than this. You should be! Just when you wanted to terminate the relationship she suddenly showed up at your house, late at night. Do you think she came for Ludo? Or you think she came to watch TV? Come on! You knew what she was up to and you attempted to take advantage but she outplayed you. And now she’s pregnant. Did you say she coughed out the contraceptive you administered the instant you turned? And almost to the day, barely four weeks after your copulation she announces pregnancy. Clearly you underestimated her. She knew you wouldn’t be able to resist free flesh despite your feelings so she set you up. You were too smart for yourself, weren’t you? If you didn’t want to date her anymore, why did you sleep with her that fateful night? “Last sex,” “Good bye sex,” “Parting shot sex” – they often turn out to be “Congrats on your new baby” sex.....

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Is conforming to popular culture necessary to gain respect?

  • Be Yourself

    Dear Jack,

    Thank you for delivering my letter to Jackson last week. Do pass this one to him as well. Unfinished business: “Dear Jackson, I want to tell you a story… about fish and chips, well sort of – a true story.....

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  • Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year Jack, I hope you had a very nice holiday. I did, and I’m pumped up for the year. I told you you’ll need God’s help in the propagation of this year. Remember we spoke about spirituality last year. I’m talking an honest simple relationship with God. I asked you to open a diary of thanksgiving, to diarise the good things God does for you. Now is the time. It’s the only way to appreciate the immensity of God’s goodness in your life. You won’t realise until the end of the year. Human memory is alzheimic. It tends to forget. And it didn’t happen if we can’t remember it. That’s the nature of memory. ....

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Should I get involved in politics?

  • Get Involved!

    My very own Jack,

    My letter to you today will take on a different hue. Today I want to talk about political responsibility. The drums of war are rolling, the cymbals are clanging, the eagles are gathering. Where are you Jack? Don’t blame the politicians for the ills of the nation if you don’t want to get involved. He who does not prevent a crime when he can, encourages it, Seneca said. Things are not just going to fall into place. A successful nation is not an accident.....

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What is the place of extended family in marriage?

  • Of Husbands and Cleavings

    My dear Jack,
    I sometimes find myself in the unenviable position of passing on difficult truth. Today is another one of those instances. But it’s a responsibility I’m unperturbed about. I am enjoined by my Creator and my conscience to speak the truth to you in love, always. We sometimes need difficult truth. 

    ....

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  • Life's Virtual Map

    My dear Jack, there are two types of map in life – physical and virtual.
    We’re pretty used to physical maps. They map physical interconnections – our streets, roads, alleys and our communities. But then there is the virtual map of life’s relationships and interconnections. No one sees it, yet it exists. Relationship virtual maps compress space and time. It’s why we say it’s a very small world. And you should worry about that phrase – “It’s a very small world.” It has positive and negative connotations. If you cast a stone in the marketplace, chances are the projectile will hit someone you’re familiar with. Armed with knowledge it’s a very small world, life teaches us to be careful what we say and whom we say it to.....

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  • Marrying Your Mum

    Dear Jack, you’re making a similar mistake as that gentleman who posted that funny text about his expectation for his wife: “6 months b4 I marry” he wrote, “I’ll tell my fiancée to go study my mum so she can be exactly like her. She’s too perfect!” In other words this young man wants to marry his mother. He forgot he’s not his father. He’s mixing up maternal love with marital love and the discrepancy will soon haunt his marriage. You’re making the same mistake basing expectations of your wife on the template of your mother. For one thing your mother was born in the 20th century, your wife in the 21st century. Born in two different centuries. The factors which shaped your mother are therefore not the factors that shaped your wife. History shapes us whether we like it or not and without our consent. Your wife and your mother don’t have the same parentage. Even if they do they can never be the same. Therefore your mum and your wife are two different individuals with different personalities and temperaments. That’s not saying your wife shouldn’t emulate good qualities in your mum. But to expect your wife to be like your mum… Come on!....

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  • Gossiping In Stiletto Heels

    My dear Jil, you’ve got to break this chain of she said, she said, she said. It’s all gossip. Gossip is why there’s present continuous fight among you and your friends. Hardly is one she said settled when another she said resurfaces. Sometimes she said within she said. And so your relationship with your girlfriends is in a constant state of she said she said she said. And you’re so few. There’s a fluid alliance generated by all this gossip. Your friend today may say something behind your back tomorrow. Then to defend yourself you have an ally with someone who said last week, only you fought before the new she said. It’s like someone is playing you guys like marionettes, like someone stirring up strife among you. With all this gossip you and your friends are more or less a “Real Wives” TV series now. All we need is cameras.
    ....

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What effect does my background have on my future?

  • Potential Selves

    Dear Jack,

    Have you ever heard of a sculptor named Sean Henry? I came across three of his works in London. They seemed ordinary at first glance, until I read his reasoning and the critics.....

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What do I do about my female friend's conflicting signals?

  • My Friend Is Behaving Strange

    Dear Jack,

    Proximity breeds thoughts about the possibility of a relationship. If you’re very close to someone the thought will cross your mind at one point or the other. You view your relationship with your lady friend as pure because there’s no “ulterior motive”. But the woman is asking herself: If we get along this much and you feel this comfortable around me, why isn’t I The One? She’s in a “reverse friends zone”.....

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  • Butting Into Complication

    My dear Jack, you don’t know much about life, do you? When the subject of your pursuit ominously warns you you have no idea what you’re trying to get into, shouldn’t you reflect? I mean this is direct warning, it’s not some third party hearsay. The woman herself is warning you. She’s in effect telling you you shouldn’t be pursuing her but if you decide to continue, don’t complain if you suffer. She’s warning you you don’t know what you’re dealing with, that you really don’t know her, or know ABOUT her. In other words, your romantic notions are completely out of whack with reality. There are hidden realities about her below the surface is what she’s telling you, things you know nothing about. But you have decided to be the famed hunter in D.O. Fagunwa’s Forest of a Thousand Demons. You’re ogboju ode! You have decided to go hunting where mortals fear to thread. I admire your courage, or foolishness.
    ....

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How do I propose?

How should I handle my ex after marriage?

  • How To Get Into Trouble After

    Dear Jack, let me tell you how to get into trouble after marriage: Keep in touch with your ex girlfriend!

    What are you doing?! Why are you scouring for trouble? You know she still has feelings for you. Why are you texting and calling her, speaking in that low sensitive tone as if you never married? It almost always begins with a “How are you?” A stiff “I’m fine, You?” “So so!” That’s at 9am. Then at 1pm your mind wanders. Now you want to know how she’s doing in her new unit at work. As the Good Samaritan you just want to make sure her feelings are okay; you know, smooth things over… Then she asks if you’ve eaten. You smile. Kind of reminds you of old times. You smile again. Sheepish smile. Then her ping comes an hour later, followed by “Missing you!” You hesitate, but to be polite you send back “Missing u 2!” And the texts proceed along that corridor, throw in one or two borderline comments and jokes. Then it becomes “Let me buy you a drink. For old times sake.”....

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  • Ultimatum

    Dear Jack, well, I don’t know about your girlfriend hanging out with her ex. Just seems weird. She’s in constant communication with this ex, he asks her out when he’s in town… And she expects you to understand! Seems she enjoys his company. They’re still friends she says, nothing will happen…He doesn’t sound like an ex to me. He seems like a current boyfriend. Your relationship goes on hiatus at those moments. I wonder how she’ll feel if you decide to hang out with your ex. And if your ex can call and text you regularly. Perhaps any time your ex has a problem she can call you. And I mean any time. I wonder how she’ll feel. Perhaps if your ex also feels like hanging out you can leave your girlfriend to go spend time with her. After all you can also argue it’s just friendship and nothing will happen. She’s ex.....

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  • The Why The Ex

    Dear Jil, your ex can’t be looming in the background of your marriage like a recalcitrant demon. Your ex can’t be featuring in your marriage like some malodorous atmosphere. You’re going to break your marriage. You’ve got to learn to let go of your past relationship. It’s gone. You’re married now, to another man. You’re just going to bring complications into your marriage hanging on to your ex. Men are exclusive about their wives and your husband is going to rebel against this ingratiation of your ex into your marriage. Your ex can’t be your best friend, your husband ought to be. Or what’s the point of intimacy!....

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What are the characteristics of a real friend?

  • True Friends

    Dear Jack, I think we tend to confuse friendship with fraternalisation and socialisation. That you fraternise or socialise with someone doesn’t mean he’s your friend. If you don’t segregate social buddies from true friends, you have a huge disappointment coming on.

    Even the Bible aggregates friendship into cadres. There are true friends it says. “Friends come and friends go but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Proverbs 18:24 MSG). In other words if he takes off in your time of trouble – abandons you, he’s not a true friend. If he distances himself from you in your dark hour, he’s not a true friend either. A true friend is loyal. If you ever run into trouble and your “friends” are found wanting, I advice you review your sociology.....

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  • Gossiping In Stiletto Heels

    My dear Jil, you’ve got to break this chain of she said, she said, she said. It’s all gossip. Gossip is why there’s present continuous fight among you and your friends. Hardly is one she said settled when another she said resurfaces. Sometimes she said within she said. And so your relationship with your girlfriends is in a constant state of she said she said she said. And you’re so few. There’s a fluid alliance generated by all this gossip. Your friend today may say something behind your back tomorrow. Then to defend yourself you have an ally with someone who said last week, only you fought before the new she said. It’s like someone is playing you guys like marionettes, like someone stirring up strife among you. With all this gossip you and your friends are more or less a “Real Wives” TV series now. All we need is cameras.
    ....

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  • Sensitivity

    Dear Jil, I want you to be sensitive in your marriage. It’s the seeming lack of sensitivity that is causing the problems you have in your marriage. Of course, you’re not a selfish person. Forgive your husband for saying that in anger. He ought to have been careful about what he said. He’s going through some tough time in his business. You need to be sensitive about that. To his credit, he’s still meeting all the obligations at home, though he sometimes strains himself. Of course, he knows you’ve been a solid partner, picking up the slacks, doing your bit quietly. He knows you’re understanding, fundamentally. And that’s good.
    ....

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How do I handle dating or marrying a sickler?

  • Genotype Love

    Dear Jack, she’s AS, you’re AS and you’re madly in love. Should you marry her? You want me to answer. You’re afraid one or more of your children will have the SS genotype. If she’s AS and you’re AS, there are three probable biological outcomes: AS, SS, AA. Nature will throw a biological dice! You can’t predict how many of your children will take on each of the genotypes. Has to do with inheritance patterns. All the children may wind up SS; and they may all wind up AA; or AS. Or nature can be a mixologist.....

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How do I deal with trials?

  • The Trials of Life

    Dear Jack, as you know these are trying times for everyone. What with abducted young girls and bomb blasts… I know you’re going through your own trials too…

    Pick up any historical on any stock offering and you’ll notice something curious. No matter the trajectory of the stock it is almost like a topography, as if you’re looking at a landscape of hills. The curves are jagged with micro rises and falls. It’s like climbing a summit. Sometimes the curves drop precipitously, then they pick up, determined in ascent. Those rises and falls represent the performance of the stock on a daily basis. However if you’re looking at yearly performance with substantial intervals you may not see the micro rises and falls. But you will see the big drops and the long arduous climbs. The curves will however be smoother. In other words it all depends on how closely you zoom in and what metric of intervals you’re considering. Those stock graphs mirror life- the life of any man or woman. Life is full of ups and downs on many dimensions. Because we’re not close to the details of the lives of others we can’t see the micro peaks and dips.....

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  • Stresses Of Life

    My dear Jack, you’re rather too young to be having stress-based health challenges. That you’re having so much stress on the subject matter of your marriage says a lot. You don’t yet understand the nature of life, and the nature of the wonderful being called human. You seem to want everything in life to be honky dory – no stress, no altercations, no fighting, just peace. In other words you’re looking for a peace continuum, no disequilibrium, and that’s a false expectation. There’s an interesting prayer in the West African Yoruba culture: “Akoba adobe Olo’un maje ari!” Illustratively it means the fact you’re doing safe driving doesn’t mean someone won’t bash your car. There’s always a crazy driver, or careless driver, or wicked driver, or stressed out driver, or driver distracted on the wheel. That you don’t look for trouble doesn’t mean trouble won’t look for you. That’s why it’s called evil. There will always be people who don’t like you, or who are envious of you, or just can’t stand you. That’s life!....

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How can I recognise a manipulative woman?

  • Surround Sound

    Dear Jack, you’re a victim of surround sound technology! You may not realise this but some babes are sound engineers. They know how to engineer surround sound. What is “surround sound”? It’s the surrounding of a man with incessant phone calls and the constant sound of text messaging. When you wake up in the morning there’s a loving text waiting for you. When you go to bed at night there’s a text ushering you to sleep. She’s the first person you talk to in the morning (even before God), she’s the last person you talk to at night. She’s your MTN advert personification: Everywhere you go! Darling, Sweetheart, Love, Baby, Sugar, Honey… She gat you! Even if she calls you meat pie you’ll still be happy! Her words are mashing up your brain. Your body tingles in anticipation of those phonic expressions of endearment! “How was your night darling?” “Was the pillow ok sweetheart?” “Have you eaten honey?” “Baby what will you wear for me today?” “Sweety,” [pronounced “sweedy”] “was the ride to the office okay?” “Honey, do you want me to cook for you?”....

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  • Issues Of Life

    My dear Jack, marriage is a very potent force. I’m not sure people realise how potent it is. A bad marriage can send you to an asylum on Mars and back. It can wreck your health, even cause death. I’m not trying to scare you, just telling it as it is, like I always do. I owe you the truth in good conscience. I’ve sat down to ask myself why marriage is so potent – spent time cogitating with myself within myself wanting to know why. My intellection led me to a revelatory statement made by Solomon. It’s such a simple but powerful statement: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Eugene Peterson translated that text as, “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.”....

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  • Trouble!

    Dear Jack, I do hope you don’t mind the truth, ‘cause I’m going to say some very hard truth in this letter. Think of a fluffy whiff of cloud hanging between heaven and earth. That’s how your life is right now. You’re just hung there, not moving forward or backward – Just an eccentric piece of the mechanical vagaries nature. There’s a form to your marriage, just like the cloud. Yet the marriage has no form. It’s wispy vapour. The situation in your marriage is that you’re married but not married. Your life is spiralling out of control because your wife is malfunctioning, making a mess of your life. She’s moved out of the matrimonial home and journeyed abroad for no discernible reason. And so you’re making the commute from here to there like Johnny Walker, trying your best to keep your marriage together. She has you by the jugular. Your children have become human shields and bargaining chips. You’re just going through motions, like a somnambulist as she inflicts maximum damage on your psyche. Even the cost of flying up and down is eating giant holes in your pocket. Every cent you earn goes towards her upkeep, and that of the children. And she comes first.....

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  • Camouflaged Distrust

    Dear Jack, this thing about full access to each other’s phone, it’s not really about trust; it’s about lack of trust. More like a Russia/US nuclear deal on quantity of arsenal, each side providing full disclosure. But the US/Russia nuclear deal is based on distrust not trust. It’s a balance of terror deal. That you and your girlfriend even have a formal deal on trust already portends lack of trust Your girlfriend wants assurances of trust, that’s why she wants full access to your phone. And you don’t trust her either. It’s why you want full access to her phone. The funny thing is that all that full phone access stuff doesn’t guarantee faithfulness. Full access or no full access to each other’s phone both of you can still cheat on each other. What it simply means is that both of you will become cleverer in the masking of your infidelity. You will take evasive manoeuvres masking your infidelity, throw each other off the trail.....

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  • Black Magic

    Dear Jack, this may be politically incorrect, but you better run from that marriage if your wife is dabbling in black magic. Your wife dabbling in black magic can’t bode well. You think those spiritual consultants are advising her on fashion? You’d long suspected. What with all the strange substances are turning up in your home. But now you have proof. And the nature of proof you have points to an escalation. And she’s admitted. You can’t live with a diabolical woman. It’s not called black magic for nothing. And just in case you want to fool yourself, love and diabolism don’t go together. Someone can’t claim to love you and yet seek to rob you of capacity to make independent judgment through magic. Why would anyone seek to coerce love out of you through black magic if not with evil intent? Black magic is certainly not a natural way to get someone to love you, or to make someone affectionately disposed. She’s been lacing your food with all sorts of substances. Health-wise it’s a miracle you’re still alive. And she’s either going to turn you into total dummy, or she’s going to kill you some day. Evil can never portend good. The notion of so-called white magic is a deceitful contradiction.....

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  • Contrary Spirit

    Dear Jack, it’s important you discern the spirit of someone you’re considering dating. Rather than just being moved by superficial realities. What’s on the surface is being projected. The nice dress, makeup, the affectations, the sexiness…all those are projections. Those projections won’t give you a true picture of somebody, just an impression. Projections are independent of character. Projections won’t give you insight into the spirit or real nature of someone. A devious person can wear fitted skirt and look attractive. The prettiness of the skirt is not the true knowledge of the person. And anyway mass media has sold us an imagery of a cosmopolitan woman. You’ve been programmed by reality TV. That someone looks fine, dresses fine can’t tell you the character of the person. You have to discover that. The character is independent of the dressing. The dress is mere fashion, an artistic endeavour. So you may find yourself appreciating a dress rather than evaluating the character of the model you’re considering dating.
    ....

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  • She Set Me Up!

    Jack, come on you should be smarter than this. You should be! Just when you wanted to terminate the relationship she suddenly showed up at your house, late at night. Do you think she came for Ludo? Or you think she came to watch TV? Come on! You knew what she was up to and you attempted to take advantage but she outplayed you. And now she’s pregnant. Did you say she coughed out the contraceptive you administered the instant you turned? And almost to the day, barely four weeks after your copulation she announces pregnancy. Clearly you underestimated her. She knew you wouldn’t be able to resist free flesh despite your feelings so she set you up. You were too smart for yourself, weren’t you? If you didn’t want to date her anymore, why did you sleep with her that fateful night? “Last sex,” “Good bye sex,” “Parting shot sex” – they often turn out to be “Congrats on your new baby” sex.....

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What has personality got to do with a relationship?

  • Personalities and Choices

    My dear Jack, I’m not sure it’s advisable to create a generic profile for women. Yes, there are basic commonalities but every woman has her unique identity. Same goes for men. I do concede though that there are broad spectra. Let’s call these spectra personality typologies. But as useful as these personality typologies may be we still have to come to terms with the peculiarities of the individual.....

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  • Second Option

    Dear Jack, I really don’t know how it would work, and my philosophy is, if it won’t work, don’t force it to work.

    The reason it won’t work is because you’re emotionally and temperamentally dissimilar. She’s obsessively peripatetic – all over the place like an itinerant pilgrim of life. Can’t stay in one place. You on the other hand don’t even like to go out. You don’t like to go to events, don’t like to socialise. The problem is not so much geographical displacement but the fact she’s a dispersoid. Will you feel she’s “there” for you? Who are you going to relate with when she’s “away” even when in the same town? And she’s going to be perpetually away!....

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  • How Unfortunate

    Dear Jack, sometimes we do highly consequential stuff without fully realizing. For example, a man can do something that greatly hurts his wife or girlfriend, yet he may not mean it that way. But if you see the agony of her soul, that should tell you how consequential your action was. It means you’ve hurt her deeply, and you must go and apologise to her, ask for her forgiveness, reassure her of your love. If you don’t, that consequential stuff will acquire a life of its own and you may lose her, though she loves you. If you can’t contemplate losing her, then you know you have something very valuable, a special gift from God. However right you may feel in such scenario, it is not the time to assert your right but to assure her of your love. If she’s in that much agony, it means whatever it is means a lot to her. And you have to address it if you love her.....

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  • The Head, Groin And Heart

    Okay, let’s talk about this “fit” we’ve been talking about. You see, there are three pressure points for men when it comes to relationship. They are the head, the heart, the groin. The order of course depends on each man. For some people the groin comes first, for others it’s either of the other two. A good choice takes cognizance of all three though. But different weights are attached to each by each individual. The groin factor is of course easy to understand. By groin I’m referring to physicalities, and sexual attraction. But you can’t base a marriage decision on your groin only. Sex alone won’t and can’t sustain a marriage. There’s more to marriage than sex. The sex will lose value fast if your partner lacks character. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying sex is unimportant. It’s a powerful drive. But it’s inadequate to sustain a marriage.....

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  • Agalmatophilia

    My dear Jack, I was watching Dr. House the other day…I don’t know if you follow the series…You know, the program about the brilliant doctor whose mental state is somewhat sometimes questionable…Anyway, I was watching the program and there was this patient who suffered from agalmatophilia. Agalmatophilia is a sexual deviation involving attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. It’s a serious disorder. For your Greek lesson, “agalma” means statue. “Philia” means love. It’s how we get Philadelphia – brotherly love. Anyway, the level of severity of the disorder varies from individual to individual. In some cases there’s sexual contact. The truth however is that the attitude of some young men to choosing a spouse borders on modified agalmatophilia. And you’re making the same mistake too. Sometimes young men want to marry dolls and not women. You’re susceptible if you inordinately focus on physical attraction to the detriment of the other dimensions of a woman. And that usually happens when a young man gets carried away with the physical beauty of a woman. Though in truth some of the beauties we herald are nothing but local champions. Placed in a wider context those beauties are easily relegated to 4th division.....

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  • Messianic Heroism

    My dear Jack, you must avoid the trap of messianic heroism. What is messianic heroism? Let me try and explain. When a marriage shouldn’t be, my observation is that God makes the facts known to you before you commit. And this is irrespective of the status of your relationship with him. God is that way. He loves everyone. Usually there’s a quarrel. And this is not your ordinary quarrel. There’s a definitive quality to it. It’s a, “We either go on or we terminate right now” kind of quarrel. Or sometimes there’s a major revelation of a fact that is so crucial and potentially lethal. Like discovering she does drugs, or she’s been sleeping with her ex, or fooling you about a salient fact in her past. It may be the fact she has a child and never disclosed such. And the mother was in on it. That she has a child is not in itself a problem. It’s the level of deceit that is of concern. For the women it can be a violent lash out of unprecedented rage by the guy, or even the hitting of the woman. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact he’s been patronizing a prostitute, or is actually in another relationship. Sometimes it’s the discovery of the fact she’s in love with someone else. She’s only marrying you for practical reasons. She wants to settle down, her real love is not ready but you have a good business and are ready.....

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  • Knowing Your Partner

    My dear Jack, in homicide, detectives are always looking for motive from three factors: money, sex and revenge. I was thinking about that and it occurred to me that these are the very same factors that destroy marriages. You of course know the role of money in a marriage. We’ve discussed this before. A marriage comes under intense strain when there’s no money. Tempers will flare, suspicions will reign. In certain contexts there’s even suspicion of witchcraft trained on the wife. There’ll be no shortage of emergency roadside prophets seeing visions and enemies. Men in particular don’t do well without money in marriage. It’s almost as if the man’s virility is wilted. A man without money in marriage often interprets innocuous acts as derision of his manhood and financial status. He’ll feel his lack of finance is causing disrespect to his person and providing political leverage to the woman. The more serious ones go into depression. It’s demoralizing when a man cannot provide for his family.....

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  • Material Amendment

    My dear Jack, I’m not sure this relationship will work. You have differing philosophies of life. You’re extremely conservative, she’s liberal. Your outlooks are not the same. You’ll never have the same view. Because your outlooks are not the same your expectations will clash in the marriage. You seem to want a domesticated entity who’ll adhere to very traditional notions of marriage. She’s avant-garde, has a liberationist worldview. She believes in the emancipated woman. Your marriage will become a literary and debating society. There’ll be constant issues. Your worldviews are at polar extremities and contradict each other. How is it going to work? Something as basic as domestic chores will bring fights and disagreements. Expectations are crossed. When expectations are crossed in marriage there’s going to be a bazaar of issues. The market will never close. At some point she’s going to pack up and go. You’re stultifying her, even suffocating her. Your very conservative outlook on the other hand ensures you’ll brand her “rebellious.” And she’s already spelling out her expectations. She’s giving you warnings. You’ll regret ignoring those warnings if you plunge ahead with the marriage. I see you becoming bitter, feeling like she ruined your dreams and brought you pain and sorrow. When it comes to divorce PR those worldviews of hers will be translated as values – a lack of it. At the end of the day you’ll still go out and look for the girl who fits your conservative expectations. That would be after the marriage has broken down.....

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  • How was your Day?

    My dear Jil, couples owe themselves a duty of care. A relationship is customized and privatized affection. By care, I mean the actual caring for one another. But it’s not limited to that. It also involves the notion of caring and WANTING to care. The wanting to care is what we call affection. Yes, we take those oaths during wedding ceremonies – For better for worse, in sickness and in health… So there’s a context of care when your partner falls ill, or when things take a wrong turn. But care is beyond illnesses. If we limit it to just illness it means the man who never falls ill will never receive care.There’s just something about being lovingly concerned about your spouse in marriage. It’s being lovingly concerned that makes you check up on him, not out of suspicion but from care. The motivation for duty of care therefore matters. Once you pollute the motivation, care ceases to be care. And so if he’s out later than he usually should be, care dictates you call to find out if everything is okay. Ditto for the man. He owes you a duty of care too. And he ought to be worried if you’re not back home when you should. Same thing when you travel. Anything beyond expected time of arrival should evoke a concern.....

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  • Certainty

    My dear Jil, it’s always better to have certainty in a relationship. You cannot assume someone is going to marry you. You’ve got to know. It’s got to be definitive, or you may have disappointment. I once asked a pilot why some pilots smack the plane on the tarmac as they landed. (Like many I thought this was bad landing). But my pilot friend told me it was the contrary. That the impact gives certainty the plane touched the ground. He said the shock absorbers of planes are configured to handle multiple hard landings so no problem. Without that impact the plane may just be coasting on a thin cushion of air till it runs out of runway, and then disaster. Bottom line, the impact against the tarmac gives the pilot certainty. In the same vein you need certainty about the future.
    ....

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  • Be Careful Of Those Ruminations

    My dear Jil, you’re not going to have everything you want in a man, any more than you can be everything a man wants. The man who is EVERYTHING you want has to be someone you made. In which case you’re divinity. Man is the sum total of his genetic ancestry, nurture, knowledge, environment, cultural and spiritual influences. It’s hard to therefore, imagine that a man will be 100% of your requirement. You have no influence on any of those factors. By the time you arrived on the scene the man was already “formed.” Every other modification is now voluntary. And so we marry those who are largely what we want, not everything we’d desired. Or we’ll never marry. That man you want doesn’t exist and can’t exist. You’ll have to create him yourself. And you have to be afraid of creating such a man for yourself considering flaws in your judgment, character and make up. That means whatever you create must necessarily be a flawed individual. You’re flawed in your thinking.
    ....

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  • I'm Not Attracting A Man

    Dear Jil, I do understand how you feel. Not being approached by any male can make one feel underappreciated. I think you need to change one or two things. Let’s try that and see the result. You see, I’ve always been intrigued by one particular statement of Solomon: “He that hath friends must show himself friendly.” It’s a very powerful and loaded statement. The depth is not that obvious. The statement posits two things. First, if you want friends you have to have a friendly disposition. That’s attitudinal. Second, if you want to have friends you must be proactive. Friendship is thus conditional.
    ....

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  • Record Of Wrongs

    My dear Jil, you’ve got to get rid of all those munched conversations on your phone. Love does not keep record of wrongs. In your case, you’re not only keeping record of wrongs, but evidence to be used in future prosecution of your boyfriend. And so when he says something in the future, you’ll go into that file drawer, pull out what he had said, annotated with date and time. If the reverse were the case, you won’t want to date such a man – a man who annotates texts for future reference and accusation. Nobody will want to date such a person – someone who files potential claims and evidence against you. That’s a sophisticated spirit of accusation and unforgiveness, the literal holding of grudges. At the back of your mind somewhere, you’re rummaging through those files as he’s talking. Some of those files are years old. You’re literally holding him up to conversations you had as far back as two years ago. You filed them away “just in case”. But just in case what? It’s accusatory.....

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How do I deal with life after divorce?

  • Getting Over Divorce

    My dear Jack, I’m not sure you’ve heard of the Joseph Equation? Well I’ll tell you!

    From the Biblical trilogy of the genealogy of Abraham we know Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers. It was a gruesome experience – possibly consanguineous to the trauma of the 276 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram in Nigeria. His life progressed on a journey of indeterminate fate. He finally got a reprieve from being bought by a high ranking Egyptian state official, Portiphar. But then things got complicated when Mrs. Portiphar, his master’s lecherous wife decided to bed him. She wasn’t known for concupiscent subtlety, and when he spurned her advances, she unleashed the furies of hell. Poor Joseph landed in prison on a trumped up charge of rape and aggravated assault. No trial or possibility of parole.....

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  • Mr. Goode

    Dear Jack, you do need to do good to people, to seek to be a blessing to others. Make it a habit. Let me tell you a story about a gentleman, Mr. Goode. He was always trying to do good, always seeking to be a blessing. Yet this man suffered one of the most hellacious trials in life. Friends betrayed him, enemies assailed him. In the furnace of his trials the man kept doing good, never wishing anyone ill, not even his enemies. He never sought vengeance against those who did him evil though he had considerable clout to afflict them. For this his enemies redoubled their efforts, tormenting his life and destiny, leveraging the pain in his life. He was actually going through a divorce. He just wanted to be free from the trauma that threatened his health and life.....

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  • Twice Divorced!

    Dear Jack, I’m sorry your second marriage broke up. You had so much riding on it, so much hope invested. Of course I’m taking a public stand in support of you. May not go down with religious folk but what have I to do with them. Grace says don’t condemn or judge others, that you’re no better than anyone. Grace is humble. Grace insists on redemption for mistakes. It never gives up on anyone, regards human life as sacred. Grace shows compassion to the afflicted. It’s there for people at their time of need. Grace is loving and supportive. I’ve always been intrigued with Jesus not condemning that 5th divorced Samaritan woman. Or the adulterous woman! I know society won’t forgive you. You’re already a parable. But those who condemn others don’t use mirrors.....

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How should I plan for my first date?

  • Taking Her for Dinner

    Dear Jack, about the other question… I’d already addressed the issue. And very judiciously too! Go to jacknjillive.com. It’s a treasure trove of information. The site already boasts 6000+ registered users. Visit it. You can read ALL the jacknjil letters there, at your own pace. I think there are about 130 letters now. Were the JacknJil letters a book you’ll have over 500 pages of text! You’ve got a lot to read!....

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  • Why Don't You Ask Her Out?

    My dear Jack, you’ve got to summon up courage to ask her out. You’re going to die in silence wishing for her if you don’t summon the courage to ask her out. Granted if she says no it’s going to hurt, and damage your pride a bit, but what if she says yes! You keep dancing around her, circling like a wagon in a Western B Movie, imagining all sorts of scenarios in your head. You’ve seen her going down the aisle with you, even seen her having a baby for you. You’re a couple in your dreams. But dreams don’t produce a wife. And all the desire in the world will not produce a marriage. Ask her out. If you don’t bite the bullet and ask her out, you’ll be friend-zoned. She’ll be the wife you never had. You don’t want to watch another man take her, do you? You’ll have regrets. Right now you’re like a sub on the sideline getting ready to come on the pitch as the referee is about to blow final whistle. If she says no, laugh over the whole thing with her. Make fun of yourself. Continue your life. What else are you going to do? And she may change her mind later – who knows these things! But if she doesn’t, you have your life to live. Seek another.....

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How should I handle the issue of childlessness?

  • Child or No Child

    Dear Jack, yes I know the pressure that comes with late conception. Especially in an African society. But if I were you I’ll shield and protect my wife from it all.

    Let’s deal with the family angle first. They can be very pertinacious and proprietary. When you think about it you kind of understand why God says you should leave your father and mother and cling to your wife. Your family can’t be regulating family planning in your nuclear family. They’re overreaching. If you don’t draw the line and contain them they’ll destroy your marriage. You must be in control of your matrimonial agenda. And so we see the clash between the word of God and culture; of God’s viewpoint and man’s.....

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How can I approach (toast) a woman?

  • Toasting A Woman

    Dear Jack,

    I heard a story over the weekend and I thought to share it with you. It’s along the lines of our discussion. I think it takes us to the root of those issues we spoke about.....

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  • The girl of my dreams

    Dear Jack, let me tell you the story of a guy I know. It’s a rather interesting story:

    ‘The apartment reeks of the stale smell of his thoughts. He lives there with the girl of his dreams. It’s a three bedroom apartment. He sleeps in one, sorry, they sleep in one; he uses the other as office for his start up and they reserved the last for guests and marriage junk; they hardly have stay over visitors. But he realised his mum would likely come over for a few weeks after the baby is born. To help. And so he reserved the room. The baby will initially stay in their bedroom, until he’s weaned. Then he’ll move to the visitors’ room. He’s a visitor isn’t he? At some point he’ll leave for boarding school. The gradual process of moving out of the house would have begun then. That’s what boys do. By the time he’s in the university he’ll hardly come home. And after, he’ll go for national service. And then get a job. And meet a girl, though not always in that order. It’s a rite of separation boys go through. And then he’ll get his own apartment, get married, have a boy or girl, reserve one room for the baby… Life is a cycle we recycle.....

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  • May You Meet A Wonderful Woman!

    My dear Jack, I don’t know if you should continue to chase her. You’ve been at it for almost a year. The time elapsed does not qualify for playing hard to get and I’m not sure you’re what she wants. She’s not even making it possible for you to broach the subject of proposal. She’s stylishly dodging the issue. Rejection is not easy. It can’t be easy taking a javelin in the heart or 9inch nails. But it’s a rite of passage and it’s the lot of many men in life, though some people are target practice. Some men are of course lucky; they have a choice of women. Some men even have women running after them, but the average Joe is not that lucky. He gets punctured with one or two rounds of nails before getting lucky, and some men don’t get 9inch nails; they get stiletto heels! In fact, the prettier the woman the sharper the stiletto tends to be.....

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  • Why Don't You Ask Her Out?

    My dear Jack, you’ve got to summon up courage to ask her out. You’re going to die in silence wishing for her if you don’t summon the courage to ask her out. Granted if she says no it’s going to hurt, and damage your pride a bit, but what if she says yes! You keep dancing around her, circling like a wagon in a Western B Movie, imagining all sorts of scenarios in your head. You’ve seen her going down the aisle with you, even seen her having a baby for you. You’re a couple in your dreams. But dreams don’t produce a wife. And all the desire in the world will not produce a marriage. Ask her out. If you don’t bite the bullet and ask her out, you’ll be friend-zoned. She’ll be the wife you never had. You don’t want to watch another man take her, do you? You’ll have regrets. Right now you’re like a sub on the sideline getting ready to come on the pitch as the referee is about to blow final whistle. If she says no, laugh over the whole thing with her. Make fun of yourself. Continue your life. What else are you going to do? And she may change her mind later – who knows these things! But if she doesn’t, you have your life to live. Seek another.....

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How do I identify a deceptive woman?

  • Juanita Wants You!

    Dear Jack, there are two types of very black skin. There is emulsified light absorbing black skin, and there is glossy light reflecting black skin. Juanita has reflective black skin, the type that illustrates principles in Physics. Lupita Nyongo has nothing on her.

    Science says a black object absorbs all wavelengths of light and converts them into heat. Juanita absorbs wavelengths. She’s a walking Physics apparatus. She’s not dark in complexion, she’s not chocolate brown, or any other confectionary analogy. She’s black. Black as in black. But she has a twin collection of large beautiful eyes – a picturesque pair with a cantilevered bush of lush eyelashes. And a figure to boot. She’s a velveteen canvass eulogised by primary colours, a fashion illustrator’s muse. Bold eye liners, vivid hues of yellow, red, blue and orange, lush lips smeared in tones of oxygenated red… Her retinae are like floating water lilies sitting on a pond of milk. She occasionally frames those eyes in a pair of sunglasses, otherwise they are naked to the world. Only those on whom the gods have mercy can escape those eyes. The blind can see them and Juanita knows.....

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How important are looks to men?

  • Ngozi Beyonce

    Dear Jack, the thing about men is that we’re prone to dating simulacra – images and representations. Men are visual and therefore they get carried away with imagery. The answer seems to lie in scriptures. The first man was made from the virtual raw materials of image and likeness. Thus men are prone to image and likeness. It’s why I tell women to LOOK good. Men are wired for looks, whereas women are wired for words.....

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  • Men, Breasts and all that

    WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT

    Dear Jack, of course physical attraction matters in a relationship. Life is not generic. We all have our taste. Don’t listen to those who over-spiritualise relationship. They’ll spiritualise Pure Water. Attraction matters! It’s dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to. You’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.....

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  • Agalmatophilia

    My dear Jack, I was watching Dr. House the other day…I don’t know if you follow the series…You know, the program about the brilliant doctor whose mental state is somewhat sometimes questionable…Anyway, I was watching the program and there was this patient who suffered from agalmatophilia. Agalmatophilia is a sexual deviation involving attraction to a statue, doll or mannequin. It’s a serious disorder. For your Greek lesson, “agalma” means statue. “Philia” means love. It’s how we get Philadelphia – brotherly love. Anyway, the level of severity of the disorder varies from individual to individual. In some cases there’s sexual contact. The truth however is that the attitude of some young men to choosing a spouse borders on modified agalmatophilia. And you’re making the same mistake too. Sometimes young men want to marry dolls and not women. You’re susceptible if you inordinately focus on physical attraction to the detriment of the other dimensions of a woman. And that usually happens when a young man gets carried away with the physical beauty of a woman. Though in truth some of the beauties we herald are nothing but local champions. Placed in a wider context those beauties are easily relegated to 4th division.....

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  • Fevered State

    My dear Jack, there is something called fevered imagination which afflicts young men. When we have a desire for a woman our imagination can be so fevered we begin to romanticize what does not exist. Your imagination will produce another version of the lady for you. It will be a warm imagery powered by desire. You will begin to see what is not in the real life person, get pleasure from the phantom your imagination creates. If you juxtapose the real life person with the fevered imagery, the real life imagery will feel cold. Can jolt to reality. The fevered edition of the woman produced by your imagination is desirable because you’re projecting your desires. In other words, you’re falling in love with the woman you created in your imagination, not the real life person.

    You’ll need to be jolted out of that state or else you’ll make a terrible mistake. You’ll fall in love with what does not exist. You will like what you don’t like. Why? Because you’re projecting your secret desires, in 4D. Your feelings constitute the fourth dimension. In fevered imagination mode you may fall in love with features you don’t like outside of that feverish medium. Say you don’t like her legs for example. But you may LOVE those legs in a fevered state. If you’re snapped out of that fevered state you’ll then wonder how you could have liked those same legs.....

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  • Overt Sexuality

    My dear Jil, from what I can see, I think the problem is your extreme faith in overt sexuality. You believe men can be manipulated sexually and you’re right. But you have a locked in contradiction in such philosophy. It’s why you can’t understand why he’d go for this other girl though you’re prettier and more socially gifted.
    ....

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  • I'm Not Attracting A Man

    Dear Jil, I do understand how you feel. Not being approached by any male can make one feel underappreciated. I think you need to change one or two things. Let’s try that and see the result. You see, I’ve always been intrigued by one particular statement of Solomon: “He that hath friends must show himself friendly.” It’s a very powerful and loaded statement. The depth is not that obvious. The statement posits two things. First, if you want friends you have to have a friendly disposition. That’s attitudinal. Second, if you want to have friends you must be proactive. Friendship is thus conditional.
    ....

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How do I express my emotions better?

  • 25kg of Emotions

    Happy New Year! Madam says to say hi! Yes, I read the comment posted by the gentleman but it still goes back to false definition of manliness.
    The vision of manhood sold to us is essentially that of a Marlboro Man, though progressed. He’s a cowboy with 3-day old stubble, wears a stylized squint with regulatory cowboy heart. He barely grunts at life. He really has no need of anybody. He’s quick on the draw, ready to pull the trigger at the slightest hint of provocation. He lives in the wild side of life, in the outback of cold emotion. He finds it hard to form any emotional attachment. His emotion is frozen like frozen yoghurt.....

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  • How Unfortunate

    Dear Jack, sometimes we do highly consequential stuff without fully realizing. For example, a man can do something that greatly hurts his wife or girlfriend, yet he may not mean it that way. But if you see the agony of her soul, that should tell you how consequential your action was. It means you’ve hurt her deeply, and you must go and apologise to her, ask for her forgiveness, reassure her of your love. If you don’t, that consequential stuff will acquire a life of its own and you may lose her, though she loves you. If you can’t contemplate losing her, then you know you have something very valuable, a special gift from God. However right you may feel in such scenario, it is not the time to assert your right but to assure her of your love. If she’s in that much agony, it means whatever it is means a lot to her. And you have to address it if you love her.....

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  • Issues Of Life

    My dear Jack, marriage is a very potent force. I’m not sure people realise how potent it is. A bad marriage can send you to an asylum on Mars and back. It can wreck your health, even cause death. I’m not trying to scare you, just telling it as it is, like I always do. I owe you the truth in good conscience. I’ve sat down to ask myself why marriage is so potent – spent time cogitating with myself within myself wanting to know why. My intellection led me to a revelatory statement made by Solomon. It’s such a simple but powerful statement: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Eugene Peterson translated that text as, “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.”....

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  • Dangerous Whisperings

    My dear Jack, don’t play with little things in your marriage. It’s the little things that are dangerous. We don’t pay enough attention to dangerous clues – the little big things that matter to our spouses. When your spouse mentions something that obviously hurts her you ought to pay attention. If you allow the issue to fester, to grow unattended it may end up wrecking your home. You’ve got to be sensitive to what your spouse tells you, especially emotive mentions. If for example she mentions casually you’re neglecting her you better pay great attention. If untrue and it’s just a function of perception and you let the mention go unchallenged it will assume the status of fact. In a marriage, untrue words need to be countered, lest they fester and become poison. The heart of man is an incubator of thoughts and ideas. The mind incubates both true and untrue words and realities.....

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  • Journey Of Oneness

    Dear Jack, the thing is, everyone has an idea of how he or she wants to be loved. That determines a lot of things in marriage. When you don’t love according to prescribed desire, every other expression of love goes unappreciated. For example, if your woman loves texts and conversations, without those texts she may not feel fully loved by you. And unfortunately, in a relationship feelings are facts. They take on the character of events. That doesn’t mean you’re not putting in your best effort to love her. But there’s effort and there’s appreciation of effort.Let’s use food as analogy. If your woman wants a pudding but you serve her salad… now, salad is exotic and healthy, but it’s not going to be appreciated for the simple fact she wants pudding. However expensive the salad is, she’s not going to appreciate it like the pudding she wants. And that’s what you’re experiencing. In a manner of speaking, your wife wants pudding but you’re giving her salad. You’ve got to love her the way she’ll appreciate it, or she won’t be psychologically fulfilled. If she loves cuddles for instance and you give her everything except cuddles, those other things will go underappreciated, which can be painful to a man especially if you’ve poured your resources into those things, just to make her happy. Note, she’s not saying you should stop buying her the expensive presents. (She’ll never say that!) She’s just saying things like texts and cuddles are very important to her. They make her feel loved. Don’t you believe her if she says she’ll rather do without those gifts. That’s just emotive speak. She’s just trying to make a point that as important as those gifts are, she wants her cuddle and texts. She wants to be your devoted focus of attention, doesn’t want that attention substituted with presents. In other words, don’t you feel you’ve fulfilled your marital obligations with presents. You have emotional responsibility.....

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  • Affirmative Action

    My dear Jack, you shouldn’t be careless with your marriage. Your wife is at an emotional inflection point and you’re not even aware. That’s careless. Yes, I know you’re working so hard to take care of the family but if you lose the family, what’s the point? If you keep going this way you’re going to get blindsided by life. You’re setting yourself up for a nasty surprise. I know you love her but you’re not paying attention to those things we spoke about.
    ....

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  • Two Litres Of Love

    Dear Jil, first, you don’t generalise about men. (Men shouldn’t generalise women too!) The statement, “All sparrows are black” has to be a presumptive fallacy since we can’t say we’ve come across all sparrows. It’s why we don’t generalise about the sexes. You can only talk about the men you know, or been told about. Even that is hearsay. Second, you don’t bring the spirit of gender unionism into your marriage. It’s not a “Men versus Women” thing. Third, other men are not your concern really. Just your husband. Marriage is very proprietary, narrow and custom. And so what you need to concern yourself with is your husband, not other people’s husbands. They’re not your worry. If others say their husbands are crazy but you know yours is sane, you don’t import non-existent insanity into your marriage. And so I understand your concern about men in general but men, in general, are not your concern. You’re not God.
    ....

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  • Parasitic Love

    My dear Jil, it’s really very simple when you think of it. What you want in a relationship you must be prepared to give. If you want devotion, give devotion. If you want affection, give affection. If you want care, give care. What you want, give! Seems so simple, doesn’t it? These are simple rules of relationship and happiness. If you check out fantastic marriages, you’ll see these rules being applied. And they don’t seem like work because love is present. You pay things forward in a relationship if you want happiness. You give first, you don’t wait to collect and then consider giving. Once you enter that mode the relationship goes transactional. Doing good to your partner then becomes no tit no tat. And the whole thing grows worse when you don’t want to give but expect to collect. And worst when you then want to control the other party. That smacks of all sorts of character trait that are antithetical to relationship. In essence, you’re being smart. You keep what you have but expect to collect from the other party. Very selfish. It’s not just selfishness, it’s stinginess as well.....

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  • Record Of Wrongs

    My dear Jil, you’ve got to get rid of all those munched conversations on your phone. Love does not keep record of wrongs. In your case, you’re not only keeping record of wrongs, but evidence to be used in future prosecution of your boyfriend. And so when he says something in the future, you’ll go into that file drawer, pull out what he had said, annotated with date and time. If the reverse were the case, you won’t want to date such a man – a man who annotates texts for future reference and accusation. Nobody will want to date such a person – someone who files potential claims and evidence against you. That’s a sophisticated spirit of accusation and unforgiveness, the literal holding of grudges. At the back of your mind somewhere, you’re rummaging through those files as he’s talking. Some of those files are years old. You’re literally holding him up to conversations you had as far back as two years ago. You filed them away “just in case”. But just in case what? It’s accusatory.....

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  • Loving Takes Effort

    Jack, there’s a balance somewhere and it’s not always easy to find. You don’t want to be isolated as a man, but at the same time you don’t want your wife feeling threatened and insecure. Both of you have to work out a balance, you have to develop and nurture mutual understanding. Put first things first – your wife has to be #1 in all you do. That’s non-negotiable. You’ve got to set your priorities right. If you truly love her, that shouldn’t be an issue. It should come naturally. Everything else proceeds from that fundamental fact. In the same manner, you should be her #1 priority. Everybody else has to be secondary. In the hierarchy of prioritisation therefore, both of you come first for each other. Then comes every other person. You’re one. This can be a hard thing for many people. But every other logic does not lead to a good place in the long term. Your job is to make your wife know in word and in deed she’s your #1. You have to constantly assure her she’s your #1 any day. That is a very important piece of job you have to do – every day by the way. She needs constant assurance. You have to let her know you love her; SAY it to her. Tell her she’s so special, she can’t be compared. Faith comes by hearing. Don’t just expect her to discern your love. Tell her. SHE needs those words of assurance. It’s a woman thing and you can’t understand. Any more she can understand why men are boastful, or like cars. Husbandry is a fulltime job. It requires emotional commitment 24/7. You have to tend to her emotional needs.....

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  • Possibilities

    My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.....

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How do I deal with sexual issues in marriage?

  • No Appetite For Sex

    Jack, something is bothering you and you need to discuss whatever it is with your wife. You can’t be having irregular sex with your wife at wide intervals and not expect her to wonder why. It’s usually the men who complain of not enough sex but in your instance it’s your wife complaining. You’re away from town on your job all week, sometimes all month. That’s your life as an oil-rig engineer. It makes sense therefore that when you come home, it will be a fun-filled and sexually fulfilling weekend. But the sex in your marriage is almost quarterly now, like a corporate account. That can’t bode well for a young marriage.....

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What's my role as a father?

  • The Father Husband

    Dear Jack, there’s that other aspect of husbanding people don’t consider. It’s called fatherhood! You’ll be surprised how much being a good father to your children is a measure of your value as a husband. It’s all about a sense of responsibility – being responsible for your family. Which in a way is a measure of love for your wife – no loving husband abdicates parental responsibility. There are too many women playing the role of father because the real dad won’t show up or step up.....

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What are the important stages of a man's life?

  • The Stages of Life

    My dear Jack, the average young man will pass through four stages in life post-graduation. By average I’m not talking about a young dude from a very rich home. He’s not an average young man. I’m talking about the young man born without a spoon – silver or wooden. Or without fork and knife. He needs to buy. He’ll struggle at the beginning as he strives to make it in life. He’s got to be driven if he wants to succeed. His relationship dynamics will follow the cadence of his historicity from stage to stage. ....

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  • Laws of Emotion

    My dear Jack, let me teach you two laws to be cognizant of in this relationship. The two laws seem obvious, sound almost stupid. Yet they’re so potent and powerful. Sometimes, laws and principles seem so obvious. Take gravity for example. It seems so obvious. And yet that law determines a whole lot of things. You couldn’t fly without taking cognizance of gravity. The things that are obvious in life are sometimes so consequential, sometimes so potent. I came upon these two laws of relationship as I meditated on my bed very early one morning and I thought to share with you.....

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  • Fear Of Commitment

    My dear Jack, without commitment it’s just not going to work. I’m talking about committing your “self” to the relationship, not just being in a relationship. There’s a difference between being in a relationship and being committed to a relationship. In one, you’re in the belly of the train, but in the other, you’re in the driver’s cabin making determinations with your partner Another analogy is shareholding. You can be a symbolic shareholder in a relationship, or a major stock investor. A minor stock investor in a relationship can cash out anytime, even at the slightest provocation.....

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  • Touch Your Soul

    Dear Jack, you’ve got to try and figure out your life, seek to find your place in this world. It’s not something that will come to you easily. It’s a journey. And your wife is part of that journey. She provides emotional support for you, minding your base while you venture out into the field of discovery. The heart is in a constant quest, trying to make sense of this life, what it all means, our place in it. In this quest you have to consider your giftings, and the significance of those giftings. It is this kind of cogitation Solomon was talking about when he said it’s better to go to the house of mourning than a party. Life is not all party. Life requires we seek wisdom, that we contemplate our existence. Some things you’ll understand in your thirties, some in your forties, and some in your fifties. You’ve got to ask yourself questions, like why am I the way I am? Why do I have the gifts I have? Why the capacities? You don’t want to die unrealized and unfulfilled. That’s tragic, a terrible waste of life. There’s a purpose to every life. Find out yours.
    ....

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  • Potential

    Dear Jack, listen. I’m not saying there’s no love, but will it work? That’s the real question. Don’t conflict the love between two parties with the mechanics of the relationship. Think of it as a car. The concept design may give you fuzzy feelings but if the engine has issues you have no car. The feelings of love are like those fuzzy feelings about the concept design of the car… Oh, it has leather interior… The design…Oh so marvellous! But what about the engine of the car? Now, nobody mixes up the feelings about the design of a car with its engine. But the two are not mutually exclusive. The feeling of joy derived from the design of a car is not the same as the mechanics of the car. Two different things. In the same vein, falling in love with someone is a separate issue from the workability of the relationship.....

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  • This Biggie Of A Life

    My dear Jack, I think I’ve told you this before, not sure… Life has secret corridors. Life is a virtual reality geography, and unfortunately we don’t have a map. All we have are certain coordinates to well worn paths. Nobody has a map of the terrain of life. We do know however that if you follow a certain course in life you will end up in good places. And we also know that if you follow another set of routes you will end up in very bad places in life. And so even though life is so vast, the paths taken by those before us give us an idea of what paths to follow or not follow. The great coordinates of life’s geography are values.....

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  • What Do You Want To Do With Your Life?

    My dear Jack, you have to note there are a lot of distractions in life. Life’s distractions are so many, some seemingly innocuous but they will derail you from your course. You need focus as a young man. You’ve got to know what you want, the kind of life you want. And then you have to work assiduously to accomplish your goals and dreams. You must learn to face the day with purposefulness, to attack each day with mental strength. There are so many discouragements out there, so much so you can wake up discouraged and fearful. If you don’t mind your thoughts you’ll find yourself meditating on discouragement every morning. The essence of discouragement is immobilization. Discouragement paralyzes. It’s why you need to move forward in any way you can when you’re down. That requires mental strength. It’s very easy to give up in life. Don’t ever! Don’t let discouragement bully you. You’ve got to look discouragement in the face and stare it down. You must face your day with tenacity.....

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  • Woman Wahala

    My dear Jack, you’re only going to create confusion with this binary equation you’re embracing. There are going to arise serious complications dating two girls at once. And contradictions. Fidelity will be an irony. Yes, I know you don’t mean to, and that cowardice landed you in this technical default… But the fact remains you’re in a relationship with two women and you’re going to create something messy, hurt someone. You landed in this situation by not breaking off with your girlfriend before starting a new relationship. You were cowardly. You knew it’s not going to be pretty breaking up with your girlfriend so you just began a new relationship. And until your new girlfriend pushed, neither of the two women knew each other existed. You were dating in subterfuge. By the way that’s a euphemism for cunning deceit. You were lying to both women. It takes a lot to keep such a pretense going and you ought to reappraise your character.....

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  • She's Four Years Older

    My dear Jack, you can’t marry on another person’s timetable. You marry when you know you’re ready. The problem you have is that you’re dating someone four years older than you. That has its own pressure. To be sure, she’s also under pressure from her family. They want her to marry fast. What she’s simply done is transfer the pressure to you, but you’re nowhere near ready.
    ....

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How do I stop masturbating?

  • Help! I'm Addicted to Masturbation

    *Warning! Graphic content.

    My dear Jack, if you want to put out a fire you cut off the oxygen supply. When you cut off the oxygen supply you weaken the fire. Then you can go after the residual rage of the fire. If it’s imprudent not cutting off the oxygen supply to stop a fire, imagine feeding the flame with accelerant to kill it. If you want to stop your addiction to masturbation, cut off the accelerant and oxygen to the flame in your groin – porn! You can’t be gourmandizing on porn and claim to want to stop addiction to masturbation. A fire fed accelerant won’t die.....

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What should I do if I get a girl pregnant?

  • You Impregnated Her

    Dear Jack,

    I’m sorry I can’t tell you what to do. This is in line with my belief that a man should make his own marital decisions. I can give you guidelines, help you analyse issues, but you must take your own decision. You can shop around for clarity but you can’t shop around for a decision.
    You and this lady are coming from two very different perspectives. She’s coming from a cultural perspective. She believes she should marry the man who impregnated her. You’re struggling with unbelief.....

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  • Mistake Pregnancy

    My dear Jack, no one can force you to marry whom you don’t want to marry. Choice of marital mate is your prerogative. Marriage is an act of will. It’s why we say, “I do”. That presupposes we can say, “I don’t”, even at the altar! You shouldn’t marry under compulsion. If you don’t want to marry someone, don’t! But that doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for the natural consequences of your actions: If you impregnate someone you’ve got to take responsibility for the pregnancy. And please don’t tell me the pregnancy was a mistake. Considering how pregnancy comes about, how can it be a mistake? You went into a young woman. You impregnated her according to the order of nature. If you were not mistaken with penetrative deliberateness, how come the result of your ardour is now tagged a “mistake”?....

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  • Silent Hell

    Dear Jack, what I’m trying so hard to help you avoid is the “20year Mistake.” You see, there are some relationship mistakes we make in life that take twenty years to get out of. I know it sounds incredible but it’s the truth.There are many “20yr” veterans all over life. You’re just not aware. A typical mistake that can cost you 20yrs of your life is impregnating someone you don’t love who becomes mother of your child. You can’t wish the child away. It matters little whether you marry her or not. Opportunistic sex has consequences, and once a child is produced you step into unplanned history. That woman will be in your life for the duration of the life of that child, meaning till you die, other things being equal. No young man plans for that. It was opportunistic sex, remember! Just lust finding a partner. But life insists if you go that way, it means you planned for the consequences. You can’t complain. You have to adjust your life accordingly for having a child out of wedlock. ....

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  • I Impregnated My Girlfriend

    My dear jack, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are immediately apparent. But some others take nine months to manifest. Yours will take nine months. Impregnating your girlfriend while still in school is the nine month variety of mistake.

    Now, I know you love each other and want to marry. But that wasn’t supposed to be a precipitancy – something sudden. I can imagine what you’re going through now. It’s like suddenly growing up. And yet you’re both in Year Two. I’m glad you manned up. That’s the right thing to do – taking responsibility for your action, being there for your girlfriend. Naturally, both your parents and hers will be disappointed. This wasn’t the plan of both sets of parents. They had already fixed a future date for nuptials. But after your studies. And her parents love you. You practically grew up together. There are many instances of the kind of love you have, people who date from secondary school. So young a love can be powerful. You need to go to her parents and tell them you’re sorry. They know you didn’t exploit her. They understand things happen between a young boy and girl. They would just have wished it’s not their daughter. And these are good parents. Her father is so unassuming; has a solid reputation where things matter. But this puts spotlight on them – the type they’d rather avoid. She’s the daughter of an ambassador. They accepted you and approved of you from day one. It was just assumed. Your parents are family friends.....

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What is the importance of friendship in a relationship?

  • Love Is Friendship

    Dear Jack, it’s not enough to love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you must like her as well. Liking is the basis of friendship – the loving to spend time with that someone who makes you happy.

    It’s about fun and play and happiness and jokes and joy and banter, and going out and spending time together. You must enjoy being with someone you want to marry, look forward to seeing her, or what’s the point! Why would you want to go into marriage with someone you’re not happy with, or who doesn’t make you happy?....

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  • How Unfortunate

    Dear Jack, sometimes we do highly consequential stuff without fully realizing. For example, a man can do something that greatly hurts his wife or girlfriend, yet he may not mean it that way. But if you see the agony of her soul, that should tell you how consequential your action was. It means you’ve hurt her deeply, and you must go and apologise to her, ask for her forgiveness, reassure her of your love. If you don’t, that consequential stuff will acquire a life of its own and you may lose her, though she loves you. If you can’t contemplate losing her, then you know you have something very valuable, a special gift from God. However right you may feel in such scenario, it is not the time to assert your right but to assure her of your love. If she’s in that much agony, it means whatever it is means a lot to her. And you have to address it if you love her.....

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  • Life's Virtual Map

    My dear Jack, there are two types of map in life – physical and virtual.
    We’re pretty used to physical maps. They map physical interconnections – our streets, roads, alleys and our communities. But then there is the virtual map of life’s relationships and interconnections. No one sees it, yet it exists. Relationship virtual maps compress space and time. It’s why we say it’s a very small world. And you should worry about that phrase – “It’s a very small world.” It has positive and negative connotations. If you cast a stone in the marketplace, chances are the projectile will hit someone you’re familiar with. Armed with knowledge it’s a very small world, life teaches us to be careful what we say and whom we say it to.....

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  • Camouflaged Distrust

    Dear Jack, this thing about full access to each other’s phone, it’s not really about trust; it’s about lack of trust. More like a Russia/US nuclear deal on quantity of arsenal, each side providing full disclosure. But the US/Russia nuclear deal is based on distrust not trust. It’s a balance of terror deal. That you and your girlfriend even have a formal deal on trust already portends lack of trust Your girlfriend wants assurances of trust, that’s why she wants full access to your phone. And you don’t trust her either. It’s why you want full access to her phone. The funny thing is that all that full phone access stuff doesn’t guarantee faithfulness. Full access or no full access to each other’s phone both of you can still cheat on each other. What it simply means is that both of you will become cleverer in the masking of your infidelity. You will take evasive manoeuvres masking your infidelity, throw each other off the trail.....

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  • Pleasure, Pain And Hmn!

    My dear Jack, take a piece of paper and draw a straight horizontal line. Mark the two ends, and make a halfway mark as well. On the extreme right, write “Pleasure.” On the left write “Pain.” In the middle write, “Hmn!” You’re looking at a map of the possibilities in a marriage. The signposts are pleasure, pain and hmn! You don’t want your marriage or relationship in the pain corner. You don’t want your marriage smack in the middle either.....

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  • The Love Of A Woman

    Dear Jack, I think you’re conflicting sex for love. You don’t really know the love of a woman, just sex. You’re at that age testosterone is raging like a bull and primal desires are seeking to overrun your life. The love of a woman is much more than sex Jack. You don’t get it. To the woman who truly loves you sex is a sacrificial offering, an oblation – the religious giving of self.....

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  • Be Careful Of Those Ruminations

    My dear Jil, you’re not going to have everything you want in a man, any more than you can be everything a man wants. The man who is EVERYTHING you want has to be someone you made. In which case you’re divinity. Man is the sum total of his genetic ancestry, nurture, knowledge, environment, cultural and spiritual influences. It’s hard to therefore, imagine that a man will be 100% of your requirement. You have no influence on any of those factors. By the time you arrived on the scene the man was already “formed.” Every other modification is now voluntary. And so we marry those who are largely what we want, not everything we’d desired. Or we’ll never marry. That man you want doesn’t exist and can’t exist. You’ll have to create him yourself. And you have to be afraid of creating such a man for yourself considering flaws in your judgment, character and make up. That means whatever you create must necessarily be a flawed individual. You’re flawed in your thinking.
    ....

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  • Two Litres Of Love

    Dear Jil, first, you don’t generalise about men. (Men shouldn’t generalise women too!) The statement, “All sparrows are black” has to be a presumptive fallacy since we can’t say we’ve come across all sparrows. It’s why we don’t generalise about the sexes. You can only talk about the men you know, or been told about. Even that is hearsay. Second, you don’t bring the spirit of gender unionism into your marriage. It’s not a “Men versus Women” thing. Third, other men are not your concern really. Just your husband. Marriage is very proprietary, narrow and custom. And so what you need to concern yourself with is your husband, not other people’s husbands. They’re not your worry. If others say their husbands are crazy but you know yours is sane, you don’t import non-existent insanity into your marriage. And so I understand your concern about men in general but men, in general, are not your concern. You’re not God.
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  • Parasitic Love

    My dear Jil, it’s really very simple when you think of it. What you want in a relationship you must be prepared to give. If you want devotion, give devotion. If you want affection, give affection. If you want care, give care. What you want, give! Seems so simple, doesn’t it? These are simple rules of relationship and happiness. If you check out fantastic marriages, you’ll see these rules being applied. And they don’t seem like work because love is present. You pay things forward in a relationship if you want happiness. You give first, you don’t wait to collect and then consider giving. Once you enter that mode the relationship goes transactional. Doing good to your partner then becomes no tit no tat. And the whole thing grows worse when you don’t want to give but expect to collect. And worst when you then want to control the other party. That smacks of all sorts of character trait that are antithetical to relationship. In essence, you’re being smart. You keep what you have but expect to collect from the other party. Very selfish. It’s not just selfishness, it’s stinginess as well.....

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How do I rekindle the romance in my marriage?

  • Rekindling Romance

    My dear Jack, it is important you have romance in your marriage; otherwise it will taste like dry bread. It’s bread alright, and will satisfy certain nutritional requirements; but it will be lacking in aesthetic flavour. And that aesthetic flavour is what makes marriage enjoyable and amiable. Without romance marriage becomes functional, even utilitarian. It becomes focused on the meeting of the quotidian standards of society, with the raising of a brood as justification. You and your wife will keep marking the marital calendar in dreariness. And since abject notching of days on a marital calendar has no celebratory value, you can’t celebrate your anniversary. A wedding anniversary is a celebration of love not the passing of days. Without love there’s nothing to celebrate. Without romance a relationship becomes so humdrum, even dressing will be affected.....

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  • Pleasure, Pain And Hmn!

    My dear Jack, take a piece of paper and draw a straight horizontal line. Mark the two ends, and make a halfway mark as well. On the extreme right, write “Pleasure.” On the left write “Pain.” In the middle write, “Hmn!” You’re looking at a map of the possibilities in a marriage. The signposts are pleasure, pain and hmn! You don’t want your marriage or relationship in the pain corner. You don’t want your marriage smack in the middle either.....

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  • Love Makes All the Difference

    Love is what makes all the difference, and you’ll be doing yourself a lot of harm marrying someone who doesn’t love you. What’s the point really? What’s the point of a marriage without love or affection? Why go into such? Without love marriage becomes a dry fig. There’s a harshness about it. It’s a coarse grainy dryness. Such dryness has the micro rough quality of a harmattan haze. It’s dusty and wheezy. A marriage without love is unimaginable yet imaginable. Each party will withdraw to his or her section of the marriage. Interactions will be contractual. The interactions will be based on obligations – children, rent, events, neighbours, etc. If you don’t love someone it’s better not to marry the someone. The marriage will float above the lives of the individuals. There’ll be no connectedness. Oh, you’ll go through all the marital ablutions including sex, but the sex will be dissociative. It will amount to no more than a relief system for you as a man. And the sexual congress may turn into the claiming of “your right” since you know the woman doesn’t love you. A marriage without love soon becomes a contest of rights. It will escalate to divorce eventually, or a state of conjugal stalemate. The parties will be married but not married. The parties will do stuff separately, create different lives. The only commonality will be they occupy the same space. It’s a matter of time before they move to separate bedrooms if the context permits. That’s usually progressive, say someone locks herself there after a particularly harsh quarrel. The lady (or man) will move out for the night, and stay the next night, and the next night, and the next night…Pride and irreconcilability will keep her there. What started as a protest gesture becomes permanent. Soon sexual intimacy will obey a prescribed routine. In tone it’ll be like a drawn timetable. The sex will be obligatory – an emotionless duty. Of course you can never be satisfied as a man.....

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  • The Why The Ex

    Dear Jil, your ex can’t be looming in the background of your marriage like a recalcitrant demon. Your ex can’t be featuring in your marriage like some malodorous atmosphere. You’re going to break your marriage. You’ve got to learn to let go of your past relationship. It’s gone. You’re married now, to another man. You’re just going to bring complications into your marriage hanging on to your ex. Men are exclusive about their wives and your husband is going to rebel against this ingratiation of your ex into your marriage. Your ex can’t be your best friend, your husband ought to be. Or what’s the point of intimacy!....

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  • Escalation

    My dear Jack, you have to be careful about escalation. Escalation is always potent in marriage. The thing about escalation is, what started out as something trite that can be swiped like a fly might end up growing into a movie monster. And it starts with hardening of positions, often preceded by silences and disregard. Instead of discussing the issue both of you withdrew into silence, each not talking to the other. Be fearful of escalation of small quarrels in your marriage my friend. Be fearful of escalation.
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  • The Joy Of Giving

    Dear Jack, a marriage can quickly become stale as a couple “settles down.” Anything stale and mouldy can’t be good. As with bread so is marriage. Yes, the courtship stage is over but it’s important to keep the momentum in marriage, even if it’s not exactly same quality. Life can be terribly busy but you have to create special occasions. You have to enjoy yourselves as a couple. Life will never end. It just keeps going and it will outlast you. You can’t overtake life. So sometimes, it’s best to get off the bus as a couple, get away from the chores of life and enjoy yourselves. The responsibilities of life never end. You have to create space to be a couple. It can be anything from going to the movies, to going for a drink together, to going to an informal party or hosting one.
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  • Affirmative Action

    My dear Jack, you shouldn’t be careless with your marriage. Your wife is at an emotional inflection point and you’re not even aware. That’s careless. Yes, I know you’re working so hard to take care of the family but if you lose the family, what’s the point? If you keep going this way you’re going to get blindsided by life. You’re setting yourself up for a nasty surprise. I know you love her but you’re not paying attention to those things we spoke about.
    ....

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  • Two Litres Of Love

    Dear Jil, first, you don’t generalise about men. (Men shouldn’t generalise women too!) The statement, “All sparrows are black” has to be a presumptive fallacy since we can’t say we’ve come across all sparrows. It’s why we don’t generalise about the sexes. You can only talk about the men you know, or been told about. Even that is hearsay. Second, you don’t bring the spirit of gender unionism into your marriage. It’s not a “Men versus Women” thing. Third, other men are not your concern really. Just your husband. Marriage is very proprietary, narrow and custom. And so what you need to concern yourself with is your husband, not other people’s husbands. They’re not your worry. If others say their husbands are crazy but you know yours is sane, you don’t import non-existent insanity into your marriage. And so I understand your concern about men in general but men, in general, are not your concern. You’re not God.
    ....

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  • Loving Takes Effort

    Jack, there’s a balance somewhere and it’s not always easy to find. You don’t want to be isolated as a man, but at the same time you don’t want your wife feeling threatened and insecure. Both of you have to work out a balance, you have to develop and nurture mutual understanding. Put first things first – your wife has to be #1 in all you do. That’s non-negotiable. You’ve got to set your priorities right. If you truly love her, that shouldn’t be an issue. It should come naturally. Everything else proceeds from that fundamental fact. In the same manner, you should be her #1 priority. Everybody else has to be secondary. In the hierarchy of prioritisation therefore, both of you come first for each other. Then comes every other person. You’re one. This can be a hard thing for many people. But every other logic does not lead to a good place in the long term. Your job is to make your wife know in word and in deed she’s your #1. You have to constantly assure her she’s your #1 any day. That is a very important piece of job you have to do – every day by the way. She needs constant assurance. You have to let her know you love her; SAY it to her. Tell her she’s so special, she can’t be compared. Faith comes by hearing. Don’t just expect her to discern your love. Tell her. SHE needs those words of assurance. It’s a woman thing and you can’t understand. Any more she can understand why men are boastful, or like cars. Husbandry is a fulltime job. It requires emotional commitment 24/7. You have to tend to her emotional needs.....

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  • Possibilities

    My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.....

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Will marriage stop me from sleeping around?

  • Forget the Babes

    Dear Jack, there just comes a point you must say to yourself, “You know what, I’m done with womanizing!” You say to yourself, “I’m done, and I’m just going to face my wife and marriage.” Then you’ll discover the liberty and emotional depth in your marriage. 
    Remember I warned you marriage is not the be-all-and-end-all young men imagine. It’s not a cure-all medicinal formulation, akin to those hawked in Lagos commuter buses, you know, the herbal formula that cures everything: AIDS, syphilis, barrenness, staphylococci, gonorrhea… Marriage is not like that. It helps you contain your sex drive; it does not eliminate it. Therefore you need discipline. That you can doesn’t mean you should. That it’s offered doesn’t mean accept. That it’s made available doesn’t mean take. You cannot be externally regulated. You must be internally regulated. Errant adulation comes with the territory.....

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  • Twice Divorced!

    Dear Jack, I’m sorry your second marriage broke up. You had so much riding on it, so much hope invested. Of course I’m taking a public stand in support of you. May not go down with religious folk but what have I to do with them. Grace says don’t condemn or judge others, that you’re no better than anyone. Grace is humble. Grace insists on redemption for mistakes. It never gives up on anyone, regards human life as sacred. Grace shows compassion to the afflicted. It’s there for people at their time of need. Grace is loving and supportive. I’ve always been intrigued with Jesus not condemning that 5th divorced Samaritan woman. Or the adulterous woman! I know society won’t forgive you. You’re already a parable. But those who condemn others don’t use mirrors.....

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  • Redemptive Love

    Dear Jack, sometimes we land into trouble about marriage by not intellectually discerning nuances of definition. Last time we spoke I told you the difference between falling in love and the workability of a relationship. They are two different things. A lady can for example fall in love with a wife abuser. But will the marriage work? By the way, violence is a no no in a relationship. Once the line of violence is crossed a perfidious and wanton license of abuse has been printed. The chance that such a man will resort to beating the woman every time he’s frustrated is highly likely. Women have been known to get caught up in the emotional trap of, “But I love him,” even when the relationship is deleterious. And men have been known to get entrapped with sex and “But I’m crazy about her,” even when the relationship is detrimental. Men do that sometimes. A guy can get besotted with beauty knowing fully well the woman doesn’t love him. Such a relationship can’t work despite the guy’s love. And it’s going to bring pain. So love and workability of a relationship are two different propositions.....

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What is the importance of money in a relationship?

  • Date A Woman You Can Afford

    My dear Jack,

    I do sincerely empathise knowing that there’s so much pressure on the average young man today. There’s financial pressure, familial pressure, societal pressure…....

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  • Money Matters 2

    My dear Jack, if you don’t want the truth don’t ask me for advice. I’ve told you money is important in marriage. A lack of money can break a marriage. And where it doesn’t it can do irreparable damage. It will reconfigure the relationship between you and your wife. It’s why I tell young men not to go into marriage without a job. You’re going to put enormous strain on the marriage. No matter how much you love each other, when there’s no money the union will be pressured.And when a marriage is under financial strain, men and women exhibit strange characters. You’ll be shocked what that goody goody girlfriend of yours will do under financially induced marital strain. Even you will change under pressure. And financial pressure can be particularly hard on young men. Linked to self-esteem.....

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  • Expensive Impressions

    My dear Jack, in every relationship there are specialties. The problem is, we’ve historically defined those specialties along sexist lines instead of extant capacities. Each party is better than the other party in some things, and less capable than the other in other things. It’s wise to understand what you’re good at, and what your partner is better at. And vice versa. A lot of these capacities depend on our temperament and make up, as well as our upbringing. Take something as basic as ironing. Some people hate it and some love it, all for different reasons. Life is full of minutiae, and we all specialize in different minutiae based on our temperament and interests. Some people are good at certain kinds of minutiae in a relationship. And yet they suck at others. If as a man, for example, you find negotiation tedious, why not leave it to your literal better half. Relationship is team effort, an essential team of two. Each party is important, or there will be nothing called relationship. And if as a man, you’re better at groceries, you better do the groceries and forget all that sexist stuff. The ability to recognize capabilities, capacities and differences goes a long way in making a wonderful relationship.....

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  • Should He Get A Job Before Marriage?

    Dear Jil, I really don’t blame your parents for insisting your boyfriend must have a job before marriage. You may not understand because your experience of life is little. And your knowledge of men is limited. But your parents know, and they’re actually trying to protect you though you may not see it. The makeup of men is radically different from that of women. Both sexes react to lack differently. I’ll talk to you in a bit about that, but truth is you don’t even know how you will react when there’s acute lack.Many marriages have been broken unnecessarily by preventable economic pressure. It’s not as if the parties don’t love each other; it’s just that lack exerts such a heavy gravitational pressure it pulverizes love. Lack is easy to bear when marriage starts. But when the status portends permanence, then the trouble begins. Reality intrudes the rose tinted view of life. There’ll be despair and frustration because of the lack. And you’ll soon hold him responsible for everything imaginable, including even the fluctuating currency exchange rate. You think you know yourself. Until pressure comes. That’s when you realise you have an unexploited part. You won’t believe yourself. I’ve had letters from people who were shocked at what they became under pressure. The hurling of invectives, barbaric insults, denudating expletives…these things find their way from the bottom up under pressure.....

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  • Money

    My dear Jack, there is such a thing as sad truth and you’ve stepped into one. We step into sad truth when we ignore wisdom. Then when calamity comes, wisdom sticks out her tongue. I did warn you not to go into marriage without a job, a source of livelihood or income. Now you see why.You allowed yourself to be railroaded into an unrealistic Snow White timetable based on a self-serving editorialised Bible text. Yes, God said you shouldn’t worry about a thing, but he wasn’t encouraging foolishness or joblessness. When you talk wisdom to a young man and he counters with religious techno-babble, you let him be. Life will teach him. It’s amazing how people fail to see practical truths in Holy Writ. Yet the Bible is full of practical teachings. The Bible is totally against the idea of a man not working. How can it support the idea of going into marriage with no job? Didn’t Apostle Paul say he that does not work should not eat, so what “favour” chimera are you talking about? And Apostle Paul went further to state that the man who wouldn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel!....

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  • She's Four Years Older

    My dear Jack, you can’t marry on another person’s timetable. You marry when you know you’re ready. The problem you have is that you’re dating someone four years older than you. That has its own pressure. To be sure, she’s also under pressure from her family. They want her to marry fast. What she’s simply done is transfer the pressure to you, but you’re nowhere near ready.
    ....

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How do I handle a long distance relationship?

  • Love Across The Atlantic

    My dear Jack,

    I think the fundamental problem is love across the Atlantic, not all those issues you raised. Long distance relationships have their challenges, significant challenges.....

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