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My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.

Your actions are motivated by love. Love gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Love softens a man, makes him go extra mile for his woman. Love makes a man protective. It makes him want to provision for his woman. Love says, “I’ve got something wonderful going on here and I want it to last forever. I don’t want to mess it up.” And sometimes the relationship slides even further to the right – positive right. There, there’s unimaginable joy. That’s when you can’t wait to get home to see her. You just want to be with her. All your inhibitions are down. You’re free and open with her. There are no walls, no pauses in your thought stream. There are no pretences or pretentiousness, no “poses.” It’s a place of nakedness, of sincerity of heart. That comes from knowing this woman is your partner, your partner for life. You’re bound together, for all of eternity. It’s the place you’re like a child. It’s a wonderful place to be in a marriage. There’s so much trust some questions don’t even arise. It’s the place of invested lives. Your issues of life are cross-invested in each other. When people see you together they can tell you’re in love with each other. And they’ll want what you have, assess their relationship by it. It doesn’t come automatically. It takes desire and a willingness to be naked with each other. It takes wanting a happy marriage. It takes wanting to trust your partner, taking the risk of being exposed as it were. It’s a place where lives are bound and the two parties are committed to the project of forever oneness. For both parties to benefit both must be committed to oneness. There are no other options.

However, relationships can also slide to the negative left. The negative left has a range from mild to extreme. You don’t want extreme. The mild left is a picture of your average disagreement, parties not wanting to talk to each other. Though mild, even at that it’s not a good place to be. There’s the pain of needed but unfulfilled love. It’s a place of misunderstanding. It’s a place of suspicion, of someone saying what hurts the other party – what should not have been said. You get out of that place by expressing your feelings to each other, not just your version of historical facts. You see, when you express your version of facts without touching on feelings, the feelings become residual pus, undrained. The disagreement will put both parties under severe stress. It’s disequilibrium. The peace in the relationship is disturbed. Both of you will dread coming back home after work. There’s that unresolved pain hanging in the air like a dead weight. Contains anger. To resolve the issue, it may be better to start texting each other about how you feel, well, well before coming home. Sometimes the work of reconciliation needs a long runway. By the time you get home the issues are at least largely known and on the table. Each party knows where the other is at. What matters is that by the time you get home you can say sorry to each other and reconcile. The focus ought to be reconciliation.

When there’s negative emotion in a relationship it brings about fear. You’ll start wondering at the definition of your partner. You’ll see your partner in a new light. Who she is changes in your sight, just as who you are changes in hers. And words can be spoken in anger at this time, regrettable words. You have to be mindful in expressing your pain during disagreement. The possible redefinition of your partner is why you have to quickly get out of the place of anger. Love can be hard at that moment. Those who know a great deal about marriage know how dangerous negative emotion is. Things can quickly spiral from there. Avoid negative emotion in your marriage. Positive emotion is always better. Learn to believe the best of your partner. But then there’s the extreme negative left. You don’t ever want to get there. It’s a place of abuse – physical, mental and emotional abuse. A marriage that makes flirting with extreme negativism normative soon finds itself unrequired. The negative end of the emotional range is a place of devaluation of worth. It’s where humans are drained of value. It’s not always expressed in shouts and anger. Sometimes it’s expressed in despite. Despite is a short leap to hatred. You shouldn’t despise anyone. You don’t want to be filled with hate. It takes a lot to get rid of hate. Hate comes from potent meditation on ill will. Hate destroys.

Now that you know the ranges of emotion in a marriage, it’s up to you what you want to do with the knowledge. The positive state is obviously better. Equilibrium and happiness are better. But people sometimes want to be proven right so they go for negative emotions. Only they trap themselves in the vortex. A marriage is full of possibilities. It’s up to both parties to determine the possibilities they desire; negative or positive. I do wish you the best in your marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Love gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, the problem is you keep dating the wrong guys, it’s not that you have a string of bad luck with guys. You keep dating guys that are neither right for you nor care about you, guys who just want to exploit you. Funny thing is you know from onset these guys aren’t right for you but you plunge on all the same, just because you feel you must have a man. Take this latest guy. Barely one week into the relationship, he’s already asking you for a loan. That should have been a red flag. You tried to mitigate your risk by giving him half the loan he requested, but you had increased your risk profile by sleeping with him! Wise guy he was, he simply asked for a second loan of the same value the very next week knowing you’ll likely half it. And so he got the original amount he asked from you, only in two instalments. The second demand right after the second sex instalment! I guess he reckoned you’re hooked, that you need sex. So he bargains with sex. You have that sore feeling you’ve been outsmarted. He’s never going to pay you back. I’m sure you know that.

How can you claim you want commitment yet keep giving your heart and sex to undeserving non-committing type? And as if things aren’t bad enough the guy keeps making inane demands, including the demand you buy him boxer shorts! You sure got yourself a real man didn’t you – the type who begs for boxers and underwear! What a man! After you’ve become official supplier of boxer shorts, you’ll graduate in time to supplier of shirts and trousers. Then you’ll graduate to feeding and housing him, the logic being you’re taking care of your future husband. And in the unlikely event you do marry him, you’ll of course assume full responsibility for him and the family. Surely you can see the trajectory, unless of course you want to delude yourself. If you must fool everyone, don’t fool yourself. You know exactly the bargain you’re getting with this guy. He knows too. It’s sex for social security cheques. You know you SHOULDN’T be in this relationship, not to talk of sleeping with him. You sold yourself cheap. What did you get? There’s nothing this guy is offering you, or can offer you. Not even the future. You know that already.

As if Satan has it really in for you, a false prophet has risen. Spiritual con. This false prophet is telling you to stick to this worthless fellow because he’s going to do you some unspecified good in the future. So everyone is taking at mickey out of you – your “boyfriend” and now the “prophet”. How did you even come across this false prophet? And how do you place your life and destiny in the hands of a charlatan? You desperately want to believe something – anything to justify your “investments.” Is it that God does not have your home address, or can’t talk to you directly that he has to address you through a charlatan? Surely, someone is playing on your gullibility. It’s a matter of time before you start doling your salary on this false prophet. You’re compounding what is ordinarily a common sense issue with false spirituality. Doesn’t your common sense tell you to run from this sort of guy? He’s a predator! If he can’t even keep his word on repayment of loan of just $27, then you’ll be foolish to believe his promises on marriage. And if you’re fighting over a mere $27, doesn’t that already give you a vision of what your marriage will be? Whatever you’re expecting from me you’re not going to get a pat on the back for these foolishnesses. Sometimes we need a lexical slap on the face to get us out of stupor. I hope this letter achieves that. If you put any further trust in this guy you’re going to end up with groundnut shells.

Successively, dating those you know will abuse you is in itself self-abuse. Why do you imagine you have no option but to accept base propositions in the name of ameliorating loneliness? Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Your life is the key ingredient! Such an approach already has an inbuilt failure mechanism. When relationship is approached as trial and error, you’ll likely end up in error. And you don’t have that much lease on life. You should be wary about a guy who says he wants to date you and ab initio begins to make a demand for money. Surely, morning shows the day in this kind of circumstances. He’s already shown his hand. Such a guy will always tell you he’s being owed arrears of salary. Only he’s not telling you it’s just last month’s. He’ll give you the impression there’s a backlog of eight months, not counting accrued benefits. But you’ll soon discover he’s only owed last month’s salary, at best two months. And there goes the collateral for your loan. When you confront him on the facts he’ll turn the whole thing into a fight, cheekily accuse you of not trusting him. It’s all a ruse and you ought to be smart. That “fight” is an act. He’s playing out a script he’s thought of in advance. At the end of the day, YOU will start feeling bad you ever asked for your loan repayment! The desperation for a relationship can lead us into the kind of temptation that’s going to make us pray to God, “Deliver us from evil.”

Isn’t it better to just wait for the right guy than desperately hitching your life to the wrong sort of fellow? Marriage is a life term. You can’t see the good guys as long as this guy keeps obscuring your view and judgment. He’s blocking your access. A good guy is a responsible guy. A good guy is not thinking of exploiting you. That’s who to date. If a guy’s value construct is that it’s a woman’s responsibility to assume responsibility for the needs of a man, you have a flight scenario. I’m surprised you’re perturbed he’s going after another girl because you seem “uncooperative.” Shouldn’t you be thanking God for deliverance and congratulating the new girl on assumption of onerous responsibility? She will soon learn of course. Most likely she’s advanced him a loan. It’s her first loan of course. She’ll advance many more. And when she balks, another girl will step up to the plate. He knows how to charm women, knows the right words to say. This is the kind of guy you should never disclose your bank balance to. You should never divulge amount in your savings account. He’ll come up with a business idea that just fits the amount of money in your savings account. He may leave you pennies. He’ll tell you this is your opportunity to help him. That tomorrow it will be his. It’s about your future together he’d say. That’s what he told the last girl before you. And the girl before the last. And the girl before that. You better forget your $54 loan and run. Regard it as the subscription cost for common sense.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Click To Tweet

Jack, there’s a balance somewhere and it’s not always easy to find. You don’t want to be isolated as a man, but at the same time you don’t want your wife feeling threatened and insecure. Both of you have to work out a balance, you have to develop and nurture mutual understanding. Put first things first – your wife has to be #1 in all you do. That’s non-negotiable. You’ve got to set your priorities right. If you truly love her, that shouldn’t be an issue. It should come naturally. Everything else proceeds from that fundamental fact. In the same manner, you should be her #1 priority. Everybody else has to be secondary. In the hierarchy of prioritisation therefore, both of you come first for each other. Then comes every other person. You’re one. This can be a hard thing for many people. But every other logic does not lead to a good place in the long term. Your job is to make your wife know in word and in deed she’s your #1. You have to constantly assure her she’s your #1 any day. That is a very important piece of job you have to do – every day by the way. She needs constant assurance. You have to let her know you love her; SAY it to her. Tell her she’s so special, she can’t be compared. Faith comes by hearing. Don’t just expect her to discern your love. Tell her. SHE needs those words of assurance. It’s a woman thing and you can’t understand. Any more she can understand why men are boastful, or like cars. Husbandry is a fulltime job. It requires emotional commitment 24/7. You have to tend to her emotional needs.

As per the other question you asked, again it’s a function of balance. Funny how much balance is required in marriage. As much as we would like, no party can be EVERYTHING to the other party in a marriage. Yes, your wife will occupy different roles in your life – mother, girlfriend, confidant, lover…but these roles are dynamic. When you’re down she’s that friend you need, the one to talk to, who’ll understand. You can pour it all out. When you need maternal assurance and comfort she’ll mother you if necessary. Like a mother she has unflinching faith in you. When you need love she’s the go to provider. Her heart is yours. Now, you work in an office environment so we don’t expect you not to talk to females. That’s unrealistic. But you have to give your wife contextual assurance and comfort. And I understand where she’s coming from. Women recognise matrimonial threat from ten miles off. As a man, you don’t. Indeed what she considers threat you may relish in. There has to be balance. It has to accommodate real world realities. In closed social systems like offices, proximity breeds possibilities of a relationship. Interaction breeds possibility of likability. It means you have to regulate yourself and your emotions. What you can’t handle don’t venture however desirable.

In fairness, some of your wife’s paranoia may turn out to be your saving grace. People are more strategic than you realise. Communication is important. You don’t want people saying you were seen with someone she has no inkling about. That will breed suspicion. And you know some people are mischievous. They’ll plant seeds of suspicion in your wife’s mind. Some people are actually evil. They’ll seek to destroy your marriage with innuendos and evil suggestions of suspicion. With such people if you and your woman are not tight, they’ll destroy your marriage. Some people are Perses the god of destruction. They’ll destroy innocent friendships with your female friends and colleagues as well. Then you become isolated socially. You want to be careful about social isolation as a man. You don’t want your social needs intensifying into something else. So maintain a healthy relationship with your female colleagues in the office but be mindful of your wife’s feelings.

The first thing you have to do in that regard is make people respect your marriage. There has to be a boundary of respect. You can’t for example allow free commentary about your wife. You don’t turn your wife into gossip fodder. That’s degradation. If you turn your wife into free fodder for people to gormandize on, it’s either a betrayal of wisdom or you don’t like her. Whichever female colleague you choose to be friends with has to respect your wife and your marriage. Or there’ll be problems. There can be no basis for competition for your affection with your wife. Neither by your female colleagues nor your sisters. She’s your wife. She’s your #1. It’s that simple and basic. Many times we don’t appreciate the role our spouses play in our lives. And I’m not just talking about administrative roles. There are those “spiritual” roles our spouses occupy. They complete “us” – they’re “us”. These are conceptual roles. Those who have been delivered from gruesome matrimonial processes appreciate those roles better than most. If you’ve had a bad marriage and you now have a wonderful spouse you tend to be more appreciative of a good marriage. Turns out those things we sometimes take for granted tend to be most important in life. And so it’s not just enough to appreciate your wife, you must make others appreciate your appreciation as well. Broadcast of spousal appreciation can be a wonderful deterrence.

The reason you communicate social outings and give your wife notification is to pre-empt malicious sightings. You don’t want some friend texting her, “Guess who I just met!” Those who devote themselves to such malice make you wonder. Just give her a heads up, especially if you’ll get home late, whether due to work or socials. These are practical things. Do everything you can to make her comfortable. Give her assurances. You won’t understand as a man. On her part, she has to avoid isolating you. It’s dangerous. Both of you have to find a balance between assurance & isolation. A woman can’t understand that isolation we speak about by the way. It’s not her paradigm. She has to give you benefit of doubt. She may not be wrong about that female colleague of yours by the way. Women just know these things. But you do everything in your conscience to give no room for suspicion. Your conscience must be clear. And if that relationship threatens your marriage you have an easy decision to make. Your wife & marriage is first & primary. Don’t let seeds of destruction be planted in your marriage. Gossips plant and water such seeds.

Your wife also has to be careful about those gossips, thoughts and fears. They can be accusatory and deeply hurtful. Love and trust go together. Do all you can to assure your wife of your love. It does take effort, sometimes a lot of effort and forbearance.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

There can be no basis for competition for your affection with your wife. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, you’ve got to get rid of all those munched conversations on your phone. Love does not keep record of wrongs. In your case, you’re not only keeping record of wrongs, but evidence to be used in future prosecution of your boyfriend. And so when he says something in the future, you’ll go into that file drawer, pull out what he had said, annotated with date and time. If the reverse were the case, you won’t want to date such a man – a man who annotates texts for future reference and accusation. Nobody will want to date such a person – someone who files potential claims and evidence against you. That’s a sophisticated spirit of accusation and unforgiveness, the literal holding of grudges. At the back of your mind somewhere, you’re rummaging through those files as he’s talking. Some of those files are years old. You’re literally holding him up to conversations you had as far back as two years ago. You filed them away “just in case”. But just in case what? It’s accusatory.

You’ve built in potential turmoil into your relationship and you’ve branded your boyfriend even if you claim that’s not your intention. Worse you’ve branded yourself. Means one has to be careful what one texts you. You file texts away and can pull out a file anytime. It’s a spirit of meticulous accusation. That’s what those munches are. Means you held those conversations with a view. While your boyfriend was texting freely, you were responding with a view. You were responding with the view to bringing up evidence in the near future that will vindicate you before third parties. It’s either that or you’ve branded him “prone to forget what was said” – which is another euphemism for articulate accusation. It means you never forget, and you don’t want to forgive and forget. There’s a stubborn insistence on bringing faults to remembrance, a lack of forbearance. The ideals of love state that love does not keep a score of the sins of others. Love keeps no record of being wronged. The moment you keep a record of wrongs, you’re already in the wrong yourself. Once you start digitally archiving a record of wrongs, you’re already in the wrong yourself.

You see, that digital archive of evidence of wrong of others also constitutes digital evidence of your own wrongdoing. The very nature of humans means in a relationship once every while, you’ll offend each other. In a relationship, you’re bound to do something wrong, something irritable to your partner – something that needs forbearance. But when you set up yourself as the standard you’ll never see your own wrongdoing. You’re after all the standard. A tape measures everything except herself. But the ability of the tape to measure other things implies the measurement of the tape itself. And so the moment you set up yourself as the standard in a relationship you determine your own limitation. If a 6ft long tape is used to measure a 30ft long wall, we not only know the length of the wall but also the limitation of the tape. That your boyfriend doesn’t vocalise your limitations doesn’t mean you have no limitations. I’m sure there are things he wishes for that you’re not, things he wishes you’d do you don’t do. That may be his quiet pain. But because he loves you he makes a determination those things don’t matter, that every other thing you are is what matters. That we’re deeply loved is not the absence of faults in us, it’s proof of frailties, needfulness and shortcomings. That’s what love does – love swallows shortcomings, focuses on what really matters. In a manner of speaking, love is wilful ignorance. It’s a perseverance inoculation.

There’s just something so negative about keeping record of old conversations of disagreement in a relationship. It’s somehow reminiscent of the defunct Stasi secret police in East Germany. They had files upon files on people. Those files later became public record when the communist regime fell. You can imagine the anger and recrimination when people discovered their neighbours had been spying on them. There’s just something so negative about such filing. Delete all those munched conversations. You’ll feel a burden lift off you. When you imprison others with unforgiveness, you’re imprisoned too. Both the jailed and the jailer stay in the same prison. And no relationship will endure in happiness with a record of accusations. There’s something off-putting and adversarial about a partner who keeps record of wrongs. When you settle a quarrel, let it go. Forget it and move on. Or you’re going to need a lot of filing cabinets. One does not want to imagine what a relationship in which both parties are record-keeping wrongs will be like. That will be some relationship! There’ll be accusations and counter-accusations, both sides tendering evidence. Words that should have been forgotten are dredged up – including words spoken in anger that should never have been spoken.

The most damaging part is those record of wrongs erode trust and faith. And you graduate into an accuser. Accusations wear out the fabric of the soul, rends the garment of a relationship in tatters. Accusation is an adversarial equipment, a prosecutorial technology. In the normal course of life people run from the accuser. Should you give your boyfriend cause to run from you? Most times anyway we’re deflecting our own issues when we accuse others. And it’s worse when we presume the worst of others and expect them to defend themselves and prove their worth. You’re not going to get a lasting relationship doing that. It’s emotionally draining. Your boyfriend is going to be a sad man. Of course there are also men who do these things. They dredge up accusations with diaristic meticulousness. Either way, you have to drop evidentiary and prosecutorial munching. If you want a healthy relationship that is. You have to believe the best of your partner. It’s an expression of love and goodwill. Then he’s forced to rise to the occasion. Your faith in him becomes aspirational. I do hope you listen to counsel.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

There’s something off-putting and adversarial about a partner who keeps record of wrongs. Click To Tweet

Jack, come on you should be smarter than this. You should be! Just when you wanted to terminate the relationship she suddenly showed up at your house, late at night. Do you think she came for Ludo? Or you think she came to watch TV? Come on! You knew what she was up to and you attempted to take advantage but she outplayed you. And now she’s pregnant. Did you say she coughed out the contraceptive you administered the instant you turned? And almost to the day, barely four weeks after your copulation she announces pregnancy. Clearly you underestimated her. She knew you wouldn’t be able to resist free flesh despite your feelings so she set you up. You were too smart for yourself, weren’t you? If you didn’t want to date her anymore, why did you sleep with her that fateful night? “Last sex,” “Good bye sex,” “Parting shot sex” – they often turn out to be “Congrats on your new baby” sex.

However since character has been introduced as a factor, I’d advise you carry out a paternity test. It’s very possible she was already pregnant when she showed up at your house that night. In Biblical terms she might have given you Uriah Challenge. Remember the story of Bathsheba? The woman who slept with David? Uriah Challenge is when someone tries to pass off a pregnancy as yours by making you sleep with her knowing she was already pregnant. That was the stunt David tried to pull off on Uriah after impregnating Uriah’s wife. Well, it backfired. The point being made is, you want to be sure the pregnancy is yours, given the circumstances and the deliberateness involved. It’s not impossible it’s yours, but when a suspicious pregnancy follows sex with mathematical accuracy you want to be sure. She might have slept with another person who rejected the pregnancy. Who knows in this game you both played. Her showing up at your house late at night and out of the blues lends credence to the need to be cautionary in accepting responsibility.

Now, that’s not saying if the child is yours you should deny paternity. That’s irresponsible and unmanly. If you impregnated her, take responsibility. That’s being a man. Yes, I know the pregnancy alters all sorts of things in your life. These things do. You have to recalibrate your life. Having a child out of wedlock as a young man tends to make you sober. Fatherhood arrived prematurely. Truth is, the average young man knows when he’s being set up. It’s just that opportunism gets the better of him – “free sex!” And it still boils down to what I told you earlier: Don’t date whom you can’t marry. You may end up marrying her. Her family is of course going to be insistent on marriage. You’ve been roped into a grand scheme of opportunism. And they’re going to oppose paternity test. It’s a cultural taboo they’ll say, casts aspersion on their pristinely daughter. If you buy that legend you’ve been had, and you don’t drink Legend Stout. Those “cultural” traditions are only quoted when it suits the agenda. You better let your parents know what’s going on before you’re fully tied up with the ropes of “African culture.”

Her parents are going to try and rush you into commitments. You’re a good catch. They’re going to talk of marriage as fait accompli. Since the question of entrapment has been raised I’d be wary of proceeding into such marriage if I were you. No one can force you to marry anyone. It’s your choice whom you choose to marry. But you must take responsibility for your offspring however the child came about or the motivation of his mother. Responsibility defineth the man. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But you create problems if you take the tortuous route of patent denial. You can’t eradicate the fact of the child. It’s here to stay and it’s going to be in your life till you die. Whatever plans you make about your life going forward you have to factor in the child. And the mother. She’s using the pregnancy as it were as a bargaining chip for marriage. If that fails she’ll use other chips. Though to be honest women sometimes resort to such desperate measures when they feel used and are about to be dumped. I’m also not saying that’s what you did. I don’t have the full facts from both sides. Just a thought that popped up. If she felt that having slept with her all this while you were then preparing to dump her, she can pull such a stunt. It’s why I tell you to pursue wholesome relationship rather than taking an opportunistic approach to women.

Relationships are not 3D cardboard cut outs. There are emotions and feelings involved. You shouldn’t take people for granted, whether in life in general or in a relationship. If you take someone for granted in a relationship you may set off a vengeful mood. Men obviously view sex different from women. Young men in particular tend to imagine sex from the fleeting perspective of a butterfly. It’s why they imagine they can go from flower to flower in nectar indulgence. But sex for women is a very deep and intensely emotional thing, the perspective being sexuality is a valuable asset. A woman views her sex as asset not just activity. Her virginity is a major asset for example. Has to be given to the deserving. It’s why the woman feels you robbed her of something, took “something” away from her when you sleep with her gratuitously. That “asset” is supposed to be given in trust in exchange for something worthwhile. It’s a wholesome perspective. As it is you both have crossed views –you have a liberal disposition towards sex, while she has a conservative disposition. When sexual dispositions clash you have the kind of situation you’re in. You’re feeling set up, she’s feeling used and about to be dumped. So she resorted to protecting her “investment” over the years through pregnancy. But all that is water under the bridge now. All the hypotheticals are theoretical.

For the next nine months or so you’re acting father. After nine months you take on the full office. Of course the paternity test may say otherwise. We don’t know what that will throw up. If it’s negative you’ll probably breathe a sigh of relief. However if positive welcome to fatherhood. Like I said the choice of marriage is yours. I’m however worried about a marriage contracted under these circumstances. The feeling of being entrapped may haunt the marriage, which will of course evoke in her a sense of injustice. You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. It’s antithetical to the idea of marriage. However, whatever the outcome from all this, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, I know you didn’t study law but there’s a principle in law I’d like you to note. When there’s litigation, say over an asset, the court does all it can to preserve the subject matter of the litigation. You see, if the subject matter is alienated or destroyed, there can’t be justice. It renders moot the whole purpose of litigation. That principle applies to your marriage and the subject matter that needs preservation is your life. If you lose your life to this marriage there’ll be nothing to deliberate on about the marriage. It’s effectively over. The subject matter then changes to a story – of tragedy, and funeral. We’ll be speaking in hushed tones at your funeral.

This is a most dangerous marriage you’re in. Your life has been subjected to gruesome threat the like of which no one can contemplate. When it comes to the issue of life in marriage, it’s better to err on the side of caution. Prevention of loss of life has to be uppermost. When we don’t err on the side of caution in these circumstances and the gruesome happens, we all acquire a haunted conscience. What is alarming is that your husband’s present continuous anti-connubialism constitutes an ongoing threat to your life. Your husband is most reckless and profligate in his libidinous explorations. Where will it end? Aggrieved third parties have now decided to pursue your life in retaliation for his activities. Where’s this thing going?!

There’s also the question of your dignity. (Won’t bother to elaborate.) You’re now at the mercy of third parties. As long as your husband remains unrepentant of his wrong-headed amorous pursuits, your life will continue to be in possible danger. If you die from this marriage, you die for nothing. Your life is wasted. That’s why it will be a tragedy. You obviously can’t see the tree for the forest. You need to step back. Without stepping back you cannot see the stupidity of your dogged determination to preserve this marriage at the risk of your life. Can’t you see? If you lose your life there’ll be no marriage to preserve. It’s that simple and it’s that cold.

Of course you have to bear responsibility for some of the stuff. You must accept responsibility for your choice. You knew he was like this but like many women determined to marry, you thought marriage would change him. And you thought you could wing it, handle it. You thought all those women would step back once you step in. The truth as any man will tell you is, unless he wants those women to step back there can’t be deterrence because you stepped in. And you’re just going to find yourself fighting endless battles. His amorous productivity is more efficient than your deterrence. This man has become so reckless he’s lost control. He’s looking for something you don’t have and can’t have. Whatever he’s looking for is not native to you. That’s why he doesn’t consider your offerings authentic. Wear all the lingerie you can, if you like charter the whole of Victoria Secret, it won’t satisfy him. Sin prefers native authenticity. Saliva as glue can’t do much. You’re trying to patch up this marriage with saliva as it were.

On top of it all, he doesn’t seem to care despite threat to your life. He just keeps on like Energizer bunny. He’s abdicated all responsibility for his recklessness and that is troubling. Day by day he’s becoming more and more reckless. Those who insist you stay to work things out are not risking their lives, or the life of their daughter. It’s your life that’s at stake. A marriage that threatens to exterminate life is no marriage. Marriage is the celebration of life. By the sheer fact this marriage threatens to snuff out your life, it loses essence. Without your life no marriage! You don’t wait to see what happens in this type of circumstances. That’s dangerous. There is no remedy after death. If you die from this marriage, you’ll just become digitised gossip – a news item circulated and floating all over social media. We’ll all be talking about what could have been, what should have been…you know, woulda, coulda, shoulda… But you’ll be gone! And your husband will shed some crocodile tears, thereafter, he’ll be free to continue his pursuit of strange flesh. Less than a year after you’re gone, he’ll remarry. Now up to your family to be putting in memoriams in the newspapers. They’ll talk about their loss – for which they’ll bear moral responsibility since they didn’t advise you wisely; they’ll wish you were here. But all that is platitude – medicine after death. You had no business losing your life in the first place. Of what use is Coca-Cola advertisement to those in the grave? So I’m asking you to take responsibility for your own life, to look at extant facts.

You have to sit down and re-evaluate this marriage. Is this man worth dying for? You have to determine what risks are reasonable in the circumstances and which risks are not. You have to draw a line somewhere. If he’s unwilling to alter the aggressive course of his life, you have YOUR decision to make. Especially when those pursuits constitute a threat to your life and the life of your baby. Truth is, he really doesn’t care either way. It takes two to have a wonderful marriage but it requires only one party to destroy a marriage. No matter the wonderful qualities of one party there are marriages that can’t hold up on the strength of that one party. If one party is dedicated to the destruction of a marriage, he or she rubbishes the constructive effort of the other party. The labour is in vain. You can’t clap with one hand. That’s an analogy of the binary necessity of marriage. There has to be that essential willingness to forge a successful union in a marriage. Without that desire, that willingness, a marriage will become an emotional burden. When a marriage becomes a death threat, that is something out of the contemplation of even God.

Your husband is suffering from an inability to handle wealth. Access to money, as well as a glamorous profession is making him lose his head. That can happen to young men easily. It’s why discipline must be cultivated. Ingrained discipline functions like a gyroscope. The ship may bob but it will somehow right itself. It will seek to regain balance. Why don’t you sit down with your family and explain the situation to them. Tell them the truth. No parent who loves his or her child will insist on continuation given these facts. There’s doctrinal ideology and there’s commonsense. Sometimes, commonsense is what’s required. Or why would God give us sense!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

When a marriage becomes a death threat, that is something out of the contemplation of even God. Click To Tweet

My dear Jack, seems to me you’re speed-dating women. No, I’m not talking about the other variety – those events in which you’re given two minutes to consider dating someone. Or is that the date? You can see the conceptual paradox. You can’t achieve a reasonable objective in that context. At best those programmes are about eliminating whom not to date, and such a person must be an obvious misfit. The whole thing seems like guess work on a multiple choice exam paper. You go for such events with the attitude of “Who knows!” rather than “I’m sure to meet someone.” It’s really not that efficient when it comes to qualitative decisioning. The structure favours certain stereotypes – guys and babes who can make their case in two minutes flat. There’s just something rushed about it, something superficial. That’s why I said it’s at best an elimination exercise. You’re at the mercy of the quality of the pool of prospects. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.

I said you’re speed-dating because you’re rushing through girls like someone out to exhaust a pool. You’re going to get a bad reputation among the women folk doing that. Life you’ll soon learn is a very small pool. Because you’re not looking to commit, ploughing through girls, you’re going to hurt a lot of people. You’re going to leave a lot of hurt in your wake. Yes, conventional male wisdom is that this is macho stuff, but you’re going to end up confusing even yourself. And you will become numb to feelings. All you’re thinking about is sex with as many women as possible. Of course you run a huge risk pursuing that course. You may end up the father of multiple children simultaneously. Your children from multiple women may end up just days older than each other if you keep ploughing through girls. But let’s even assume you were careful and there’s no biological outcome. There’ll still be soul inundation. You don’t need to run through so many women ostensibly to make a choice. Unless of course, you’re committed to self-delusion.

What usually happens when you finally make that choice is that you begin to wonder about the adequacy of your choice. All the other options will withdraw once you choose. You’ll begin to miss the aggregated supply of the plurality of women. Which then makes it hard for you to be committed to your choice. Before you know it you’re back on the “streets.” Truth is, what you set to accomplish is defeated by your methodology and approach. And the paradigm you’re using is faulty. That’s partly the problem of approach with the other speed-dating. You’re using prospects’ interests as a basis of choice. That’s a faulty methodology. You can both have the same interests and still be unsuitable for each other. That’s the falsity in the approach. That’s not saying mutual interests don’t and won’t strengthen a bond, but it’s not a good basis of choice. Humans are deeper than the interests they pick up along the journey of life. Many of the wonderful marriages you see hardly have partners who share common interests. You may love tennis and she has no idea what an ace is, and yet you’ll make a wonderful couple. At the end of the day, all those subject interests matter less than your interest in each other, your love for each other. She may or may not follow you to Wimbledon for that tennis final, as exciting as that may be, yet love you to bits. If you truly love each other, that lack of understanding of tennis becomes an amusing anecdote in your relationship, the wonder of it all.

By very definition commitment in a relationship can’t be a surface realism. Commitment speaks of something deeper, something stronger, something tested, a resolution, an exercise of strength. In choosing a partner you ought to pay attention to emotional and behavioural qualities, as well as values. You’re not really going to detect these qualities fleeting from flower to flower, plucking nectar like a butterfly. In speed-dating women you’re likely to focus more on physical and cultural factors. And you’ll miss the person. You don’t choose a life partner like an item on a restaurant menu! Life is not a restaurant. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled with projections and affectations. Focus on values. They’ll give you insight. If because you’re the one paying for the food she proceeds to order Heaven, Earth and Texas, that says something. But if aware of your income bracket she is mindful not to go for the most expensive items on the menu, that says something too. In other words, is she considerate and kind? Or is she greedy, selfish and self-centered? Those considerations are more important than the ability to pronounce foie gras, or wear long painted talons and weave-ons. Pay attention to the person not just the looks and affectations. Values and character give you insight into a person. Is she a sincere person? Is she a manipulative person? Do you feel she’s laying a trap for you? Can you trust her? Is she planning to dump her living expenses on you? Is she looking for a Kardashian lifestyle financier? Is expression of endearment in her phone call a prelude and foundation for demand for money and fashion finance? Is she a “user” – you know, one who uses you and is certainly going to dump you when your usefulness expires? If she’s a user, you know your relationship has an expiry date, right? Do you wonder what exactly you’re gaining in the relationship? Do you feel cheated? All these go to character. As it is you’re dating formats – women who look a certain way. In this age of universal fashion you’re probably dating a wig style.

A fantastic choice of partner is not determined by the number of women ploughed through. Chances are you’ll make a wrong choice. Bracketise your desire. Don’t go off on tangential exploration you already know is unaligned to your matrimonial dream. Why date someone you already know you can’t date (or shouldn’t date) and shouldn’t get married to? You may get stuck. Dating the wrong person is the start of the journey into a bad marriage. Better to pray to just meet the right person than to dissipate so much energy and resources on so many wrong prospects. It’s the right woman you should be looking for not women. Or you’re going to have a blood bath of emotions and bad conscience. Take it easy young man. You don’t want to learn what it means by “it’s a very small world” from a vengeful perspective. I hope this straightens out some of your issues.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Values and character give you insight into a person. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, it’s really very simple when you think of it. What you want in a relationship you must be prepared to give. If you want devotion, give devotion. If you want affection, give affection. If you want care, give care. What you want, give! Seems so simple, doesn’t it? These are simple rules of relationship and happiness. If you check out fantastic marriages, you’ll see these rules being applied. And they don’t seem like work because love is present. You pay things forward in a relationship if you want happiness. You give first, you don’t wait to collect and then consider giving. Once you enter that mode the relationship goes transactional. Doing good to your partner then becomes no tit no tat. And the whole thing grows worse when you don’t want to give but expect to collect. And worst when you then want to control the other party. That smacks of all sorts of character trait that are antithetical to relationship. In essence, you’re being smart. You keep what you have but expect to collect from the other party. Very selfish. It’s not just selfishness, it’s stinginess as well.

Sooner or later your partner will get the message and wisen up. Those who do these things tend to have a sense of entitlement. They EXPECT to be given, they’re blind to the duty of giving. Never giving, always expectant. That’s poverty of spirit. But that disposition negatively impacts so many things in a relationship. It naturally abhors taking initiative of care. And so the relationship becomes a one-way traffic of affection – only one party giving, no reciprocity or giving of any sort from the other party. This greatly impacts on the quality of relationship and in time someone begins to feel being taken for a fool. The aggrieved party soon pulls back. He becomes quietly angry and feels short-changed.

Stinginess in a relationship is not always about material gifts. It can be something as simple as a text. If he texts and you ignore his text you can’t complain if you text and he ignores your text. It’s called responsorial reciprocity. Surely, if you like to ignore people’s texts, you must be able to handle your texts being ignored! One rule can’t apply to your partner and another to you. There must be egalitarianism of responsibilities in a relationship. You can’t be affection-dry and ungiving yet be expecting affection. You won’t have a successful relationship. There are other expressions of this principle. Think of something as simple as duty of care, for example someone checking up on you. If you care about someone and you don’t hear from him, duty of care demands you find out what’s wrong. But lack of care and selfishness says, “I’m not going to call him to find out what’s wrong; I want him to want me more than I want him.” If something is genuinely wrong, say he’s ill, the guy will of course find such attitude painful. And the seed of termination of that relationship is sown. It begins to incubate in the heart. Every other thing that happens thereafter becomes reinforcement and confirmation of that awful impression of selfishness. And when one day he decides to pull out of the relationship, you’ll wonder why he’d do that over a trifle. But it’s not the trifle that precipitated the breakup, it was the grain of sand that caused a sand avalanche. In other words, it wasn’t the immediate event that led to that break up; it’s your character. When your friends ask you what happened you’ll of course be perplexed. That’s because you’re used to people giving you forbearance. Your friends will of course then start blaming the guy. But they ignore the fact of your character.

A relationship made up of one-way expectations is a parasitic relationship. A parasitic relationship wants, never expects giving and has a sense of entitlement. It’s incredibly emotionally draining. There’s material stinginess but there’s also emotional stinginess. Both outrightly destroy a relationship, prevent it from attaining its full potential. It cannot maximise its possibilities. Something as mundane as going to the movies can be used to demonstrate generosity of heart to your partner. Why don’t you one of these days offer to take him out rather than always expecting him to take you out as if it’s some duty. I’m not saying he shouldn’t try and be a man. But even men want to be taken out once in a while. It’s a good gesture. A relationship can’t be a one-way in configuration. It will have traffic issues. The danger of being selfish in a relationship is that you make room for the possibility of a generous alternative to you. At some point, the man will ask himself what exactly he’s gaining from the relationship. Stinginess makes a man ask such questions eventually.

The world recommends emotional and material stinginess as the best way to manage a relationship but they destroy relationships. Even outside of relationship, stingy people lose a lot. The sad thing is they’ll never realise how much. But it’s quite a lot. In a relationship a stingy person is seen as extractor. And he or she is like a heavy cloud without rain. There’s that expectation of reciprocity of affection in a relationship. Stinginess introduces manipulation into a relationship. Everything becomes deliberate, robbing the relationship of honest affection. You won’t have the kind of relationship you want being stingy to your partner. You won’t get the marriage you want. And stinginess blinds us to ourselves. Our vision becomes stingy to us. We can’t see much. Everything we see is about us and us. By the way stinginess, manipulation and stubbornness are triplets. They tend to go together, occupy same person. Stinginess – emotional or material, is antithetical to healthy relationship. If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. The very notion of love is giving and sacrifice. That’s what it’s all about. And when partners are committed to being generous to each other – be it materially or emotionally, the relationship is solidified. But if all you’re thinking is how to extract from your partner and not give, the relationship soon becomes a tiresome undertaking. And the quantum of giving must be the same even if quantity cannot be. Just give your best in your relationship. It’s emotionally draining to have a partner constantly expecting and not giving. It drags the spirit down. Re-conceptualise your philosophy of relationship. If you don’t you’ll lose this guy. There’s a limit to the excuses a man can give himself about a partner’s stingy disposition. He’s soon forced to come to terms with reality.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. Click To Tweet

Dear Jack, inter-tribal marriage shouldn’t be an issue. There are many thriving and successful inter-tribal marriages. You can’t focus on someone’s tribal identity and totally ignore the person’s qualities. She has no control over her tribal identity. And you can’t hold someone responsible for what someone from her tribe did to your uncle thirty years ago. How does that make sense! If we go by that standard who’ll ever qualify to marry anyone in the cultural and historical cauldron your country is. It’s almost like setting up an excuse to permanently bar inter-tribal marriage. That’s not saying tribes don’t have psychological and cultural traits. It’s why they’re called tribe. It’s a cultural and psychological subset. But every tribe has a grouse against the other tribe in your country. Even INTRA-tribally there are issues. Humans just haven’t learnt to live and let live, to get on with each other as subsets. It’s why there’s ennui for inter-tribal marriage.

Clearly the problem is not your girlfriend. By your own account she’s a wonderful person, someone any sensible man would want. You’re going to lose her because of her tribal identity? What exactly do you want her to do about her tribe? It’s what it is! If we scale things up a little would you like someone to condemn you for your racial identity despite your sterling qualities? How can you rave against racial discrimination but enforce tribal discrimination? The problem with inter-tribal liaison is many times not the parties themselves but the prejudice of third parties. If you do find something terrible in this lady I can understand. But to lose what’s good for you to someone’s prejudice? And you’re working totally from anecdotes. You don’t have factual data on the issues in question. Even if you do it’s narrow data. How many marriages in your tribe succeeded solely based on tribal identity? Give statistics.

The advantage of intra-tribal marriage of course is common cultural philosophy and psychological profile. Beyond that there’s no other advantage. And that advantage is wiped off if the other party is disagreeable. If you marry someone from your tribe who gives you no peace what benefit common cultural origin? If someone from another tribe makes you happy but the lady from your tribe makes you unhappy what advantage tribal unison? When it comes to picking a spouse, we’re individuals first before our tribal identity. If you’re a terrible individual, that’s who you are even if you’re from a “wonderful” tribe. You’re still who you are! And who marries tribe? You marry an individual. If the individual is terrible you have a terrible spouse, tribal or no tribal identity. We are who we are. As individuals we have been conditioned by sociological, economic, psychological, cultural and political factors.

This prejudice against your lady’s tribe has nothing to do with her. It’s so obvious. It’s a prejudice carried by someone in your family based on another person’s experience, someone you hardly even know. And you don’t know the full story. All you have is somebody’s colouration, which at best is hearsay. What makes for successful inter-tribal marriage is first of all the qualities of the individuals not the tribal identity. The desire and ability of the couple to mesh and forge a union goes a long way in determining their marital success. I’m sure you know there are terrible marriages in your tribe, just as there are good ones. Prejudice defies scientific rigour. What’s amazing is how someone can formulate a philosophy about an entire tribe based on interaction with just one individual. Those with working inter-tribal unions are very accommodative of the other person’s cultural conditioning, or they buy into it. Many times however those inter-tribal marriages succeed because they agree to be regulated by neutral or higher code. For some that code is the Bible (or some other religious tome). And yet for others secular humanism. If you lose this wonderful lady to the prejudicial disposition of your family, you’ll have regrets. You’ll always be thinking back to what could have been. If you ditch her I hope you find her equivalence. It may be hard. Why can’t you for once stand up for what you believe and help to educate these people with the success of your marriage? You forget most of these prejudices were bred in the cauldron of internecine conflict that consumed your nation even before you were born!

If you insist on judging her by the cultural rules of yesteryears, have the nobility to be consistent. Allow the same rules to govern your life. You should throw away your mobile phone and log around a rotary phone for instance. You have to live in the 1960s. What if her parents also reject you on the basis of your tribe, would you consider that fair? You better concentrate on the most important things in marriage – peace and joy! A young man can’t easily appreciate those spiritual quantities until he’s married the wrong person and for all the wrong reasons. Tribal identity CANNOT be the basis of your union. It has to be your individual qualities. Now, if you’re from the same tribe all well and good. But if you’re going to go ahead with her despite these prejudices, you’ll have to be strong. You have to protect her. Something as basic as deliberate late conception will be attributed to witchcraft from her tribal enclave. If your mum dreams she’s being chased by a rat it will be attributed to her tribal identity. Even if she chased a rat during the day! Such is the power of prejudice. And we’re not yet talking about naming the child that is even yet to be conceived! Your peace and happiness should be paramount concern when choosing a spouse. You won’t do well without marital peace as a man. Men don’t do well without peace. Your health will suffer.

You need to sit down with your parents and explain to them this lady makes you happy, gives you peace in your heart and mind. Many times in these circumstances there’s another lady being put up for consideration by the family. In other words, your mum’s happiness is the issue, not yours. And she may want to forge a marital union with her friend’s family. You can’t be rude during this discussion with your parents. You honour your father and mother despite divergence of opinion. Given the facts, your parents at the end of the day want your happiness, at least their version of it. It’s why their own prescription. But you don’t abdicate responsibility for your marital choice to prejudices and biases. You’re the one who’ll suffer from bad choice. We’ve spoken about this tribal issue before. Go to http://jacknjillive.com/2014/07/inter-tribal-marriage/

I do wish you backbone.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

You don’t abdicate responsibility for your marital choice to prejudices and biases. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, I wish you had listened to me. You wouldn’t have had this problem. When someone offers you sincere advice with no ulterior motive and nothing to gain, you ought to pay attention to such. I told you not to give this guy money. But you went ahead and gave him doles of your money. And now… The whole thing was corny. The love was fake. Anyone could tell this guy was trying to fleece you. The sustenance of a relationship can’t be dependent on doling of funds. That it started that way shows its false foundation. It means the relationship was only sustained because you kept giving him money. In which case it was a simple commercial transaction. You were unwittingly trying to buy affection. But then you have to wonder what exactly you bought. Even a dog will become your friend if you keep doling it food.

This guy was clearly an opportunist. You mistook his response to the doling of your money for love. How gravely mistaken you were. Your “relationship” had hardly begun when he began to ask for money. You should have been worried. And you were. It’s why you wrote me. Then you succumbed to foolishness. The moment you let him in on the fact you had substantial savings he became more loving. And now you’re out for what… Close to a million? That’s expensive “love” you bought. What did you expect? You should have known such a “loan” would never be repaid. The guy had no intention whatsoever to pay you back. You exchanged your hard-earned savings for mushy sentimentalism – something you can get without paying a dime.

You were probably targeted, by the way. And in your earnest desire for a relationship, any relationship, you allowed yourself to be conned. Yes, you’re smart but there’s a difference between smartness and wisdom. Sometimes “smartness” gets us into trouble. It gives us a false sense of invincibility. Smartness knows it all. “Smartness” is what makes you say, “I know what I’m doing, don’t worry!” even when it’s obvious you don’t. “Smartness” makes you feel you’re in charge and in control of an agenda. Until the other side and even your agenda outwit you. Once you take all that “smartness” into a relationship, you kill sincerity, even honesty. Everything is programmed. And so you were smart but not wise.

Yet wisdom is the principal thing. Wisdom has depth. Wisdom introspects. Wisdom considers. Wisdom takes a reflective pause. Wisdom will not rush into murky waters or into an indefinable. Wisdom looks into the horizon. Wisdom looks for patterns, tries to make meaning of patterns and wonders what conclusion to draw. Wisdom is allergic to foolishness. I’m afraid you’d have to forego the money. It’s gone! Probably partly spent on another girl. I know it’s painful, considering the fact that your debtor ex-lover is even blocking you on WhatsApp to avoid his obligation. I’m not asking you to forego the money to indulge his capriciousness. No. I’m asking you to forego the debt so you don’t tether your life to this guy for a considerable number of years in seeking your money. He has no intention to pay. He doesn’t even have the money! It’s all blown, gone! Unbeknownst to him he’s back to Square One. And he’s bitten his benefactor. People have gone on to develop very successful businesses from much less money.

If this guy couldn’t create something tangible with almost a million, you better be thankful your devourer is gone. He’s probably off chasing another girl he reckons he can fleece of another million. And on and on his life goes being defined. If you insist on collecting the money he’ll hold you down sadistically. He has nothing to lose. You have much to lose actually. You’re the one with the drive and ambition. You’re going to be bogged down chasing this guy for the money. You may end up bitter. When we don’t pay attention to wisdom we end up paying an expensive tuition fee for life’s lessons. A serious guy wouldn’t have been asking you for money. He’d be too ashamed. This was right at the start of the relationship. You ought to be careful about going into a relationship with a guy without shame. When he does the shameful it will just be water off his back. Won’t see anything wrong. He may even revel in his shamelessness.

These kinds of guys have a philosophy about how to treat women. They regard women as people to be exploited in the name of love. Women giving them money is taken as fulfilment of obligation. It’s a duty. Will even accuse you of not helping out though you have. These are guys who believe in living off women. They’re one of the more terrible versions of boyfriend you shouldn’t have. They have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. Their sense of manliness is bent so crooked only God can do a miracle. Such go from woman to woman, the only contribution to the relationship being sexual ardour. They scout Facebook looking for prey. You ought to be careful about those profiles on Facebook. Some are figments of imagination. There has to be a correlation between the Facebook profile and the real person.

You fell into this situation because you refused to listen to your heart. Indeed, the reason you wrote me earlier was for confirmation of what your heart was telling you. So you did have warnings about this guy. Several warnings in fact. But you ignored those warnings. Sometimes, we’re so besotted with our desire that we ignore all rational warnings. We try to explain things away to ourselves unconvincingly. And so when an alarm bell rang in your heart concerning this guy you put it down to undue apprehension. You kept explaining everything away till you got sucked into the cauldron of anaesthetising desire. You were too busy enjoying being given “loving attention” you failed to see the deceit in those “affections.” Everything he told you he also told the last girl. All the phrases used, they’re formulaic. He targets needful women. The relationship was a hobby. He lathered you with deceit and saliva to soften you up to ask for the money. Just move on. Lesson learnt I believe. But he’s got his comeuppance coming. What you sow you reap. Life has a balance sheet. Conny man die conny man go bury am.

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. These are not “husband material.” A husband material is thinking of how to give to you, not how to take from you. A husband material adds to you not depreciate you. You can’t be bitter though I understand why you’re angry. But remember you share some of the blame.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. Click To Tweet
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