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Tag Archives: Attraction

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My dear Jil, it’s always better to have certainty in a relationship. You cannot assume someone is going to marry you. You’ve got to know. It’s got to be definitive, or you may have disappointment. I once asked a pilot why some pilots smack the plane on the tarmac as they landed. (Like many I thought this was bad landing). But my pilot friend told me it was the contrary. That the impact gives certainty the plane touched the ground. He said the shock absorbers of planes are configured to handle multiple hard landings so no problem. Without that impact the plane may just be coasting on a thin cushion of air till it runs out of runway, and then disaster. Bottom line, the impact against the tarmac gives the pilot certainty. In the same vein you need certainty about the future.
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Dear Jack, she isn’t the prettiest of girls but she’s kind. Something about her drew him to her. She is not in his social class either. Very few would be. His father is rich. Very rich. She recognized early on he could date other women – very beautiful women, and yet it was her he chose. He trusts her implicitly. She’s selfless. It was that selflessness that created the trust. Selflessness creates trust. There are no airs about her. She’s as basic as a piece of pancake. No, not American pancake with all its embellishments and retinue of excesses. She’s just a basic person, a good soul. She couldn’t even dress well. Her sartorial taste was terrible and passable in equal measure. She is a friend, a girlfriend and mother all rolled into one. It was to her he turned at the critical juncture of his life. He trusted her with his data and emotions. Not that she totally understands him. But she loves him and cares for him.
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My dear Jack, you don’t know much about life, do you? When the subject of your pursuit ominously warns you you have no idea what you’re trying to get into, shouldn’t you reflect? I mean this is direct warning, it’s not some third party hearsay. The woman herself is warning you. She’s in effect telling you you shouldn’t be pursuing her but if you decide to continue, don’t complain if you suffer. She’s warning you you don’t know what you’re dealing with, that you really don’t know her, or know ABOUT her. In other words, your romantic notions are completely out of whack with reality. There are hidden realities about her below the surface is what she’s telling you, things you know nothing about. But you have decided to be the famed hunter in D.O. Fagunwa’s Forest of a Thousand Demons. You’re ogboju ode! You have decided to go hunting where mortals fear to thread. I admire your courage, or foolishness.
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My dear Jack, you’ve got to summon up courage to ask her out. You’re going to die in silence wishing for her if you don’t summon the courage to ask her out. Granted if she says no it’s going to hurt, and damage your pride a bit, but what if she says yes! You keep dancing around her, circling like a wagon in a Western B Movie, imagining all sorts of scenarios in your head. You’ve seen her going down the aisle with you, even seen her having a baby for you. You’re a couple in your dreams. But dreams don’t produce a wife. And all the desire in the world will not produce a marriage. Ask her out. If you don’t bite the bullet and ask her out, you’ll be friend-zoned. She’ll be the wife you never had. You don’t want to watch another man take her, do you? You’ll have regrets. Right now you’re like a sub on the sideline getting ready to come on the pitch as the referee is about to blow final whistle. If she says no, laugh over the whole thing with her. Make fun of yourself. Continue your life. What else are you going to do? And she may change her mind later – who knows these things! But if she doesn’t, you have your life to live. Seek another.

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Dear Jil, your ex can’t be looming in the background of your marriage like a recalcitrant demon. Your ex can’t be featuring in your marriage like some malodorous atmosphere. You’re going to break your marriage. You’ve got to learn to let go of your past relationship. It’s gone. You’re married now, to another man. You’re just going to bring complications into your marriage hanging on to your ex. Continue reading

Jack, the first thing is to make sure you marry the right woman. See all those rules governing wonderful marriages… They don’t work with the wrong partner. Your expectations will be unrealistic if you have the wrong partner. Expected reactions will not tally with desire. And the right partner is first and foremost, someone who genuinely loves you, someone who cares about you. The wrong partner on the other hand is someone who just wants to marry. You’re just a vehicular pod. Love is a great motivator in marriage. It makes many things happen, encourages the taking of initiative. Continue reading

My dear Jil, the chemistry you want in your marriage doesn’t come cheap. It takes effort. There are two phases of a relationship. There’s the attraction phase and there’s the maintenance phase. The adrenalin in the attraction phase constitutes a magnetic quantity that keeps a relationship cemented. But that phase will come to an end at some point. Then begins the maintenance phase and thence people struggle. Relationships need refreshment and they need maintenance. Continue reading

My dear Mary, faith is not unthinking. And spirituality should not rob us of intelligence and commonsense. Paul says, “God wants us to use our intelligence, to seek to understand as well as we can.” (1 Corinthians 12:1-3 MSG). You can’t marry a man you’re not attracted to and can’t stand. You don’t even want to be around him! Yet the gentleman keeps telling you it’s God’s will for you to marry him. Continue reading

My dear Jack, look, you’re only dating this babe because she’s what’s available not what you really want. It’s like going to all those secondary school dance events in those days and all the girls are taken, except this one girl. Well, that’s the only “choice” you have so you dance with her and strike up conversation. But you soon become shackled to her when your friends begin to talk about you and her, ribbing you. And that’s how you find yourself in a “relationship” you never really wanted. Social pressure. You’re lonely. She’s available. That’s all there is to this relationship. Her sole value to you is utilitarian. Other things being equal you wouldn’t date her. You’re not attracted to her and she has traits you don’t like. But she’s lonely and you’re lonely, hence relationship.  Continue reading

WARNING: SOME EXPLICIT CONTENT

Dear Jack, of course physical attraction matters in a relationship. Life is not generic. We all have our taste. Don’t listen to those who over-spiritualise relationship. They’ll spiritualise Pure Water. Attraction matters! It’s dangerous to marry someone you’re not attracted to. You’ll set yourself up for sexual frustration.

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