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Tag Archives: cheating

My dear Jil, I know you didn’t study law but there’s a principle in law I’d like you to note. When there’s litigation, say over an asset, the court does all it can to preserve the subject matter of the litigation. You see, if the subject matter is alienated or destroyed, there can’t be justice. It renders moot the whole purpose of litigation. That principle applies to your marriage and the subject matter that needs preservation is your life. If you lose your life to this marriage there’ll be nothing to deliberate on about the marriage. It’s effectively over. The subject matter then changes to a story – of tragedy, and funeral. We’ll be speaking in hushed tones at your funeral.

This is a most dangerous marriage you’re in. Your life has been subjected to gruesome threat the like of which no one can contemplate. When it comes to the issue of life in marriage, it’s better to err on the side of caution. Prevention of loss of life has to be uppermost. When we don’t err on the side of caution in these circumstances and the gruesome happens, we all acquire a haunted conscience. What is alarming is that your husband’s present continuous anti-connubialism constitutes an ongoing threat to your life. Your husband is most reckless and profligate in his libidinous explorations. Where will it end? Aggrieved third parties have now decided to pursue your life in retaliation for his activities. Where’s this thing going?!

There’s also the question of your dignity. (Won’t bother to elaborate.) You’re now at the mercy of third parties. As long as your husband remains unrepentant of his wrong-headed amorous pursuits, your life will continue to be in possible danger. If you die from this marriage, you die for nothing. Your life is wasted. That’s why it will be a tragedy. You obviously can’t see the tree for the forest. You need to step back. Without stepping back you cannot see the stupidity of your dogged determination to preserve this marriage at the risk of your life. Can’t you see? If you lose your life there’ll be no marriage to preserve. It’s that simple and it’s that cold.

Of course you have to bear responsibility for some of the stuff. You must accept responsibility for your choice. You knew he was like this but like many women determined to marry, you thought marriage would change him. And you thought you could wing it, handle it. You thought all those women would step back once you step in. The truth as any man will tell you is, unless he wants those women to step back there can’t be deterrence because you stepped in. And you’re just going to find yourself fighting endless battles. His amorous productivity is more efficient than your deterrence. This man has become so reckless he’s lost control. He’s looking for something you don’t have and can’t have. Whatever he’s looking for is not native to you. That’s why he doesn’t consider your offerings authentic. Wear all the lingerie you can, if you like charter the whole of Victoria Secret, it won’t satisfy him. Sin prefers native authenticity. Saliva as glue can’t do much. You’re trying to patch up this marriage with saliva as it were.

On top of it all, he doesn’t seem to care despite threat to your life. He just keeps on like Energizer bunny. He’s abdicated all responsibility for his recklessness and that is troubling. Day by day he’s becoming more and more reckless. Those who insist you stay to work things out are not risking their lives, or the life of their daughter. It’s your life that’s at stake. A marriage that threatens to exterminate life is no marriage. Marriage is the celebration of life. By the sheer fact this marriage threatens to snuff out your life, it loses essence. Without your life no marriage! You don’t wait to see what happens in this type of circumstances. That’s dangerous. There is no remedy after death. If you die from this marriage, you’ll just become digitised gossip – a news item circulated and floating all over social media. We’ll all be talking about what could have been, what should have been…you know, woulda, coulda, shoulda… But you’ll be gone! And your husband will shed some crocodile tears, thereafter, he’ll be free to continue his pursuit of strange flesh. Less than a year after you’re gone, he’ll remarry. Now up to your family to be putting in memoriams in the newspapers. They’ll talk about their loss – for which they’ll bear moral responsibility since they didn’t advise you wisely; they’ll wish you were here. But all that is platitude – medicine after death. You had no business losing your life in the first place. Of what use is Coca-Cola advertisement to those in the grave? So I’m asking you to take responsibility for your own life, to look at extant facts.

You have to sit down and re-evaluate this marriage. Is this man worth dying for? You have to determine what risks are reasonable in the circumstances and which risks are not. You have to draw a line somewhere. If he’s unwilling to alter the aggressive course of his life, you have YOUR decision to make. Especially when those pursuits constitute a threat to your life and the life of your baby. Truth is, he really doesn’t care either way. It takes two to have a wonderful marriage but it requires only one party to destroy a marriage. No matter the wonderful qualities of one party there are marriages that can’t hold up on the strength of that one party. If one party is dedicated to the destruction of a marriage, he or she rubbishes the constructive effort of the other party. The labour is in vain. You can’t clap with one hand. That’s an analogy of the binary necessity of marriage. There has to be that essential willingness to forge a successful union in a marriage. Without that desire, that willingness, a marriage will become an emotional burden. When a marriage becomes a death threat, that is something out of the contemplation of even God.

Your husband is suffering from an inability to handle wealth. Access to money, as well as a glamorous profession is making him lose his head. That can happen to young men easily. It’s why discipline must be cultivated. Ingrained discipline functions like a gyroscope. The ship may bob but it will somehow right itself. It will seek to regain balance. Why don’t you sit down with your family and explain the situation to them. Tell them the truth. No parent who loves his or her child will insist on continuation given these facts. There’s doctrinal ideology and there’s commonsense. Sometimes, commonsense is what’s required. Or why would God give us sense!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

When a marriage becomes a death threat, that is something out of the contemplation of even God. Click To Tweet

Dear Jil, I’m not exactly sure what this guy means when he said his relationship with his girlfriend is stale. How can a relationship be stale? Is it bread or what? Has the relationship gone moldy or expired? What’s he saying? Is he in a relationship but not in a relationship? It’s not very clear and you better be clear. A relationship is a relationship whether moldy or not. Whether stale or not he’s still in a relationship. Ascribing the characteristics of a fungi-infested bread to a relationship isn’t exactly helpful in this circumstance.
Continue reading

My dear Jack, you’re only going to create confusion with this binary equation you’re embracing. There are going to arise serious complications dating two girls at once. And contradictions. Fidelity will be an irony. Yes, I know you don’t mean to, and that cowardice landed you in this technical default… But the fact remains you’re in a relationship with two women and you’re going to create something messy, hurt someone. Continue reading

My dear Jack, congratulations, you’re dating a goddess! And you and your family must worship her, do her bidding, or she won’t marry you. Well, that’s her attitude. She’s been cheating on you like someone trying to collect frequent flyer miles on infidelity. First there was the ex, then another guy, then another guy, and then another guy. And you keep begging her to marry you. She threatens either you marry her by a certain date, or she’s going to marry another guy. Shouldn’t that give you concern? Doesn’t that already tell you she’s two-timing you and that she treats guys as multiple choice questions? And now she’s come up with a marriage deadline, forcing you to cancel reasonable preparation for marriage and life. Yet despite blowing your plans and expending your all in order to marry her, she’s still not pleased. You can’t please her. Continue reading

Dear Jack, well, I don’t know about your girlfriend hanging out with her ex. Just seems weird. She’s in constant communication with this ex, he asks her out when he’s in town… And she expects you to understand! Seems she enjoys his company. They’re still friends she says, nothing will happen… Continue reading

My dear Jack, you’ve got to be careful not to buy into the culture of grand deceit now prevalent in relationships. By grand deceit I mean dating a girl and giving her the impression you will marry her, but planning another wedding. In one or two cases there was even a family introduction, but no plan whatsoever to marry the girl. Just deceit. Continue reading

My dear Jack, thank you for your mail. Let me give you a simple quiz – one or two questions for you to consider: If a guy constantly beats up his girlfriend, do you think wedding will change this habit and auto-reform him? If the girl in question were your sister, would you advise she goes into marriage with such an abusive boyfriend? And if she does go into marriage with this abusive guy would you be surprised he turned out to be a wife beater? Wouldn’t you say that the marital abuse was predictable and fairly certain given his antecedents? And that short of a miraculous conversion on the road to Damascus, such a man’s behavior is highly predictable? Continue reading

My dear Jil,

You can only eat your cake and have it if you’re a magician. And since you’re no magician it means you’re dedicating yourself to an impossible quest. You may actually be trying hard to fool yourself and that’s not something you should pursue. Self-deception is an act of self-delusion, and facts don’t change because we choose to delude ourselves. I really don’t understand how you can want to have a faithful and committed boyfriend if the scheme is friends with benefits. It’s a contradiction in terms isn’t it? And if you believe you can accomplish it then you must be a magician.  Continue reading

Dear Jil,

Come on! I’m sure you know better than this. Come on! This guy’s going to make you cry with his infidelity. He’s a serial womanizer with a transit harem disposition. A guy says to you, you’re my “main chick” and you’re still asking if you should stay or quit the relationship! If you’re the main chick, it means there are subsidiary chicks. Your boyfriend is a public liability company (PLC). He has many shareholders. Are you so desperate for a relationship you’ll allow a guy to appellate you with ignominiousness? Perhaps in a perverse sort of way being called a main chick makes you feel special. You’re the main the main! But that’s not the kind of special you want, not if you want a wholesome relationship. The guy is taking you for granted and you’re consoling yourself with nonsense.  Continue reading

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