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Tag Archives: dating a married man

My dear Jack, seems to me you’re speed-dating women. No, I’m not talking about the other variety – those events in which you’re given two minutes to consider dating someone. Or is that the date? You can see the conceptual paradox. You can’t achieve a reasonable objective in that context. At best those programmes are about eliminating whom not to date, and such a person must be an obvious misfit. The whole thing seems like guess work on a multiple choice exam paper. You go for such events with the attitude of “Who knows!” rather than “I’m sure to meet someone.” It’s really not that efficient when it comes to qualitative decisioning. The structure favours certain stereotypes – guys and babes who can make their case in two minutes flat. There’s just something rushed about it, something superficial. That’s why I said it’s at best an elimination exercise. You’re at the mercy of the quality of the pool of prospects. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.

I said you’re speed-dating because you’re rushing through girls like someone out to exhaust a pool. You’re going to get a bad reputation among the women folk doing that. Life you’ll soon learn is a very small pool. Because you’re not looking to commit, ploughing through girls, you’re going to hurt a lot of people. You’re going to leave a lot of hurt in your wake. Yes, conventional male wisdom is that this is macho stuff, but you’re going to end up confusing even yourself. And you will become numb to feelings. All you’re thinking about is sex with as many women as possible. Of course you run a huge risk pursuing that course. You may end up the father of multiple children simultaneously. Your children from multiple women may end up just days older than each other if you keep ploughing through girls. But let’s even assume you were careful and there’s no biological outcome. There’ll still be soul inundation. You don’t need to run through so many women ostensibly to make a choice. Unless of course, you’re committed to self-delusion.

What usually happens when you finally make that choice is that you begin to wonder about the adequacy of your choice. All the other options will withdraw once you choose. You’ll begin to miss the aggregated supply of the plurality of women. Which then makes it hard for you to be committed to your choice. Before you know it you’re back on the “streets.” Truth is, what you set to accomplish is defeated by your methodology and approach. And the paradigm you’re using is faulty. That’s partly the problem of approach with the other speed-dating. You’re using prospects’ interests as a basis of choice. That’s a faulty methodology. You can both have the same interests and still be unsuitable for each other. That’s the falsity in the approach. That’s not saying mutual interests don’t and won’t strengthen a bond, but it’s not a good basis of choice. Humans are deeper than the interests they pick up along the journey of life. Many of the wonderful marriages you see hardly have partners who share common interests. You may love tennis and she has no idea what an ace is, and yet you’ll make a wonderful couple. At the end of the day, all those subject interests matter less than your interest in each other, your love for each other. She may or may not follow you to Wimbledon for that tennis final, as exciting as that may be, yet love you to bits. If you truly love each other, that lack of understanding of tennis becomes an amusing anecdote in your relationship, the wonder of it all.

By very definition commitment in a relationship can’t be a surface realism. Commitment speaks of something deeper, something stronger, something tested, a resolution, an exercise of strength. In choosing a partner you ought to pay attention to emotional and behavioural qualities, as well as values. You’re not really going to detect these qualities fleeting from flower to flower, plucking nectar like a butterfly. In speed-dating women you’re likely to focus more on physical and cultural factors. And you’ll miss the person. You don’t choose a life partner like an item on a restaurant menu! Life is not a restaurant. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled with projections and affectations. Focus on values. They’ll give you insight. If because you’re the one paying for the food she proceeds to order Heaven, Earth and Texas, that says something. But if aware of your income bracket she is mindful not to go for the most expensive items on the menu, that says something too. In other words, is she considerate and kind? Or is she greedy, selfish and self-centered? Those considerations are more important than the ability to pronounce foie gras, or wear long painted talons and weave-ons. Pay attention to the person not just the looks and affectations. Values and character give you insight into a person. Is she a sincere person? Is she a manipulative person? Do you feel she’s laying a trap for you? Can you trust her? Is she planning to dump her living expenses on you? Is she looking for a Kardashian lifestyle financier? Is expression of endearment in her phone call a prelude and foundation for demand for money and fashion finance? Is she a “user” – you know, one who uses you and is certainly going to dump you when your usefulness expires? If she’s a user, you know your relationship has an expiry date, right? Do you wonder what exactly you’re gaining in the relationship? Do you feel cheated? All these go to character. As it is you’re dating formats – women who look a certain way. In this age of universal fashion you’re probably dating a wig style.

A fantastic choice of partner is not determined by the number of women ploughed through. Chances are you’ll make a wrong choice. Bracketise your desire. Don’t go off on tangential exploration you already know is unaligned to your matrimonial dream. Why date someone you already know you can’t date (or shouldn’t date) and shouldn’t get married to? You may get stuck. Dating the wrong person is the start of the journey into a bad marriage. Better to pray to just meet the right person than to dissipate so much energy and resources on so many wrong prospects. It’s the right woman you should be looking for not women. Or you’re going to have a blood bath of emotions and bad conscience. Take it easy young man. You don’t want to learn what it means by “it’s a very small world” from a vengeful perspective. I hope this straightens out some of your issues.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Values and character give you insight into a person. Click To Tweet

Dear Jil, to be honest with you, you’re in a quandary. Dating a separated man is tricky. It can go either way. There’s a probability it may lead to marriage, a probability; but there’s also the probability he may return to his wife. Continue reading

My dear Jil, in my humble opinion you took the right decision for your life – you got out of the relationship. That was the only option available and it will hurt a while. You were emotionally invested. The hurt will be on two levels: there’s the hurt of getting out of a relationship. Then there’s the hurt of a postponed nuptial.  Continue reading

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