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Tag Archives: Friendship

Dear Jil, I do understand how you feel. Not being approached by any male can make one feel underappreciated. I think you need to change one or two things. Let’s try that and see the result. You see, I’ve always been intrigued by one particular statement of Solomon: “He that hath friends must show himself friendly.” It’s a very powerful and loaded statement. The depth is not that obvious. The statement posits two things. First, if you want friends you have to have a friendly disposition. That’s attitudinal. Second, if you want to have friends you must be proactive. Friendship is thus conditional.
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My dear Jil, it’s always better to have certainty in a relationship. You cannot assume someone is going to marry you. You’ve got to know. It’s got to be definitive, or you may have disappointment. I once asked a pilot why some pilots smack the plane on the tarmac as they landed. (Like many I thought this was bad landing). But my pilot friend told me it was the contrary. That the impact gives certainty the plane touched the ground. He said the shock absorbers of planes are configured to handle multiple hard landings so no problem. Without that impact the plane may just be coasting on a thin cushion of air till it runs out of runway, and then disaster. Bottom line, the impact against the tarmac gives the pilot certainty. In the same vein you need certainty about the future.
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My dear Jil, you’ve got to break this chain of she said, she said, she said. It’s all gossip. Gossip is why there’s present continuous fight among you and your friends. Hardly is one she said settled when another she said resurfaces. Sometimes she said within she said. And so your relationship with your girlfriends is in a constant state of she said she said she said. And you’re so few. There’s a fluid alliance generated by all this gossip. Your friend today may say something behind your back tomorrow. Then to defend yourself you have an ally with someone who said last week, only you fought before the new she said. It’s like someone is playing you guys like marionettes, like someone stirring up strife among you. With all this gossip you and your friends are more or less a “Real Wives” TV series now. All we need is cameras.
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My dear Jack, if you want to survive in this world you need to know the way of the world, how the world functions. The reason you’re disappointed with what has happened is because you failed to properly evaluate the world. The first lesson you have to learn is to properly discriminate friendship. And there are different types of friendships in this world. (We’ve discussed this before). True friendships are rare. That’s because people are fickle, and people will relate to you only as long as you’re relevant. Didn’t King Solomon tell you a friend is born for adversity? And doesn’t that tell you, you ought to have an adversity test for friendship? You need to ask yourself, if I run into trouble would this person be there for me? You need to ask yourself, if everybody turns against me would this person stand up for me?

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Dear Jack, the thing about marriage is that it’s easy to just “settle in”. It’s easy for a marriage to become something quotidian – a routine exercise of life, something we do mindlessly. Continue reading

Dear Jack, it’s not enough to love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you must like her as well. Liking is the basis of friendship – the loving to spend time with that someone who makes you happy. Continue reading

Dear Jack, I think we tend to confuse friendship with fraternalisation and socialisation. That you fraternise or socialise with someone doesn’t mean he’s your friend. If you don’t segregate social buddies from true friends, you have a huge disappointment coming on.

Even the Bible aggregates friendship into cadres. There are true friends it says. “Friends come and friends go but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Proverbs 18:24 MSG). In other words if he takes off in your time of trouble – abandons you, he’s not a true friend. If he distances himself from you in your dark hour, he’s not a true friend either. A true friend is loyal. If you ever run into trouble and your “friends” are found wanting, I advice you review your sociology.

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Dear Jack,

Proximity breeds thoughts about the possibility of a relationship. If you’re very close to someone the thought will cross your mind at one point or the other. You view your relationship with your lady friend as pure because there’s no “ulterior motive”. But the woman is asking herself: If we get along this much and you feel this comfortable around me, why isn’t I The One? She’s in a “reverse friends zone”.

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