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Tag Archives: Genuine love

My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.
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Jack, come on you should be smarter than this. You should be! Just when you wanted to terminate the relationship she suddenly showed up at your house, late at night. Do you think she came for Ludo? Or you think she came to watch TV? Come on! You knew what she was up to and you attempted to take advantage but she outplayed you. And now she’s pregnant. Did you say she coughed out the contraceptive you administered the instant you turned? And almost to the day, barely four weeks after your copulation she announces pregnancy. Clearly you underestimated her. She knew you wouldn’t be able to resist free flesh despite your feelings so she set you up. You were too smart for yourself, weren’t you? If you didn’t want to date her anymore, why did you sleep with her that fateful night? “Last sex,” “Good bye sex,” “Parting shot sex” – they often turn out to be “Congrats on your new baby” sex.

However since character has been introduced as a factor, I’d advise you carry out a paternity test. It’s very possible she was already pregnant when she showed up at your house that night. In Biblical terms she might have given you Uriah Challenge. Remember the story of Bathsheba? The woman who slept with David? Uriah Challenge is when someone tries to pass off a pregnancy as yours by making you sleep with her knowing she was already pregnant. That was the stunt David tried to pull off on Uriah after impregnating Uriah’s wife. Well, it backfired. The point being made is, you want to be sure the pregnancy is yours, given the circumstances and the deliberateness involved. It’s not impossible it’s yours, but when a suspicious pregnancy follows sex with mathematical accuracy you want to be sure. She might have slept with another person who rejected the pregnancy. Who knows in this game you both played. Her showing up at your house late at night and out of the blues lends credence to the need to be cautionary in accepting responsibility.

Now, that’s not saying if the child is yours you should deny paternity. That’s irresponsible and unmanly. If you impregnated her, take responsibility. That’s being a man. Yes, I know the pregnancy alters all sorts of things in your life. These things do. You have to recalibrate your life. Having a child out of wedlock as a young man tends to make you sober. Fatherhood arrived prematurely. Truth is, the average young man knows when he’s being set up. It’s just that opportunism gets the better of him – “free sex!” And it still boils down to what I told you earlier: Don’t date whom you can’t marry. You may end up marrying her. Her family is of course going to be insistent on marriage. You’ve been roped into a grand scheme of opportunism. And they’re going to oppose paternity test. It’s a cultural taboo they’ll say, casts aspersion on their pristinely daughter. If you buy that legend you’ve been had, and you don’t drink Legend Stout. Those “cultural” traditions are only quoted when it suits the agenda. You better let your parents know what’s going on before you’re fully tied up with the ropes of “African culture.”

Her parents are going to try and rush you into commitments. You’re a good catch. They’re going to talk of marriage as fait accompli. Since the question of entrapment has been raised I’d be wary of proceeding into such marriage if I were you. No one can force you to marry anyone. It’s your choice whom you choose to marry. But you must take responsibility for your offspring however the child came about or the motivation of his mother. Responsibility defineth the man. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But you create problems if you take the tortuous route of patent denial. You can’t eradicate the fact of the child. It’s here to stay and it’s going to be in your life till you die. Whatever plans you make about your life going forward you have to factor in the child. And the mother. She’s using the pregnancy as it were as a bargaining chip for marriage. If that fails she’ll use other chips. Though to be honest women sometimes resort to such desperate measures when they feel used and are about to be dumped. I’m also not saying that’s what you did. I don’t have the full facts from both sides. Just a thought that popped up. If she felt that having slept with her all this while you were then preparing to dump her, she can pull such a stunt. It’s why I tell you to pursue wholesome relationship rather than taking an opportunistic approach to women.

Relationships are not 3D cardboard cut outs. There are emotions and feelings involved. You shouldn’t take people for granted, whether in life in general or in a relationship. If you take someone for granted in a relationship you may set off a vengeful mood. Men obviously view sex different from women. Young men in particular tend to imagine sex from the fleeting perspective of a butterfly. It’s why they imagine they can go from flower to flower in nectar indulgence. But sex for women is a very deep and intensely emotional thing, the perspective being sexuality is a valuable asset. A woman views her sex as asset not just activity. Her virginity is a major asset for example. Has to be given to the deserving. It’s why the woman feels you robbed her of something, took “something” away from her when you sleep with her gratuitously. That “asset” is supposed to be given in trust in exchange for something worthwhile. It’s a wholesome perspective. As it is you both have crossed views –you have a liberal disposition towards sex, while she has a conservative disposition. When sexual dispositions clash you have the kind of situation you’re in. You’re feeling set up, she’s feeling used and about to be dumped. So she resorted to protecting her “investment” over the years through pregnancy. But all that is water under the bridge now. All the hypotheticals are theoretical.

For the next nine months or so you’re acting father. After nine months you take on the full office. Of course the paternity test may say otherwise. We don’t know what that will throw up. If it’s negative you’ll probably breathe a sigh of relief. However if positive welcome to fatherhood. Like I said the choice of marriage is yours. I’m however worried about a marriage contracted under these circumstances. The feeling of being entrapped may haunt the marriage, which will of course evoke in her a sense of injustice. You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. It’s antithetical to the idea of marriage. However, whatever the outcome from all this, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, it’s really very simple when you think of it. What you want in a relationship you must be prepared to give. If you want devotion, give devotion. If you want affection, give affection. If you want care, give care. What you want, give! Seems so simple, doesn’t it? These are simple rules of relationship and happiness. If you check out fantastic marriages, you’ll see these rules being applied. And they don’t seem like work because love is present. You pay things forward in a relationship if you want happiness. You give first, you don’t wait to collect and then consider giving. Once you enter that mode the relationship goes transactional. Doing good to your partner then becomes no tit no tat. And the whole thing grows worse when you don’t want to give but expect to collect. And worst when you then want to control the other party. That smacks of all sorts of character trait that are antithetical to relationship. In essence, you’re being smart. You keep what you have but expect to collect from the other party. Very selfish. It’s not just selfishness, it’s stinginess as well.

Sooner or later your partner will get the message and wisen up. Those who do these things tend to have a sense of entitlement. They EXPECT to be given, they’re blind to the duty of giving. Never giving, always expectant. That’s poverty of spirit. But that disposition negatively impacts so many things in a relationship. It naturally abhors taking initiative of care. And so the relationship becomes a one-way traffic of affection – only one party giving, no reciprocity or giving of any sort from the other party. This greatly impacts on the quality of relationship and in time someone begins to feel being taken for a fool. The aggrieved party soon pulls back. He becomes quietly angry and feels short-changed.

Stinginess in a relationship is not always about material gifts. It can be something as simple as a text. If he texts and you ignore his text you can’t complain if you text and he ignores your text. It’s called responsorial reciprocity. Surely, if you like to ignore people’s texts, you must be able to handle your texts being ignored! One rule can’t apply to your partner and another to you. There must be egalitarianism of responsibilities in a relationship. You can’t be affection-dry and ungiving yet be expecting affection. You won’t have a successful relationship. There are other expressions of this principle. Think of something as simple as duty of care, for example someone checking up on you. If you care about someone and you don’t hear from him, duty of care demands you find out what’s wrong. But lack of care and selfishness says, “I’m not going to call him to find out what’s wrong; I want him to want me more than I want him.” If something is genuinely wrong, say he’s ill, the guy will of course find such attitude painful. And the seed of termination of that relationship is sown. It begins to incubate in the heart. Every other thing that happens thereafter becomes reinforcement and confirmation of that awful impression of selfishness. And when one day he decides to pull out of the relationship, you’ll wonder why he’d do that over a trifle. But it’s not the trifle that precipitated the breakup, it was the grain of sand that caused a sand avalanche. In other words, it wasn’t the immediate event that led to that break up; it’s your character. When your friends ask you what happened you’ll of course be perplexed. That’s because you’re used to people giving you forbearance. Your friends will of course then start blaming the guy. But they ignore the fact of your character.

A relationship made up of one-way expectations is a parasitic relationship. A parasitic relationship wants, never expects giving and has a sense of entitlement. It’s incredibly emotionally draining. There’s material stinginess but there’s also emotional stinginess. Both outrightly destroy a relationship, prevent it from attaining its full potential. It cannot maximise its possibilities. Something as mundane as going to the movies can be used to demonstrate generosity of heart to your partner. Why don’t you one of these days offer to take him out rather than always expecting him to take you out as if it’s some duty. I’m not saying he shouldn’t try and be a man. But even men want to be taken out once in a while. It’s a good gesture. A relationship can’t be a one-way in configuration. It will have traffic issues. The danger of being selfish in a relationship is that you make room for the possibility of a generous alternative to you. At some point, the man will ask himself what exactly he’s gaining from the relationship. Stinginess makes a man ask such questions eventually.

The world recommends emotional and material stinginess as the best way to manage a relationship but they destroy relationships. Even outside of relationship, stingy people lose a lot. The sad thing is they’ll never realise how much. But it’s quite a lot. In a relationship a stingy person is seen as extractor. And he or she is like a heavy cloud without rain. There’s that expectation of reciprocity of affection in a relationship. Stinginess introduces manipulation into a relationship. Everything becomes deliberate, robbing the relationship of honest affection. You won’t have the kind of relationship you want being stingy to your partner. You won’t get the marriage you want. And stinginess blinds us to ourselves. Our vision becomes stingy to us. We can’t see much. Everything we see is about us and us. By the way stinginess, manipulation and stubbornness are triplets. They tend to go together, occupy same person. Stinginess – emotional or material, is antithetical to healthy relationship. If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. The very notion of love is giving and sacrifice. That’s what it’s all about. And when partners are committed to being generous to each other – be it materially or emotionally, the relationship is solidified. But if all you’re thinking is how to extract from your partner and not give, the relationship soon becomes a tiresome undertaking. And the quantum of giving must be the same even if quantity cannot be. Just give your best in your relationship. It’s emotionally draining to have a partner constantly expecting and not giving. It drags the spirit down. Re-conceptualise your philosophy of relationship. If you don’t you’ll lose this guy. There’s a limit to the excuses a man can give himself about a partner’s stingy disposition. He’s soon forced to come to terms with reality.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. Click To Tweet

My dear Jack, I think you need to sit down and ask yourself what this woman means to you. It’s something every couple should do – both the man and the woman should ask what they mean to each other. Such an appraisal helps one uncover the true value of a partner. We tend to get lost in all those “husband” and “wife” titular stuff. We use the phrases so much they hardly mean a thing anymore. A “wife” (or “husband”) is after all someone you married. It’s taken as the result of an activity – the taking of an oath. It’s like “Mr. & Mrs.” It’s what you write on an envelope. Simply identifies sexes and marital status, nothing more. It can’t and doesn’t give depth to marriage. In fact, it has no usage inside marriage. In the same vein, “husband and wife” has come to represent co-joined status. If care is not taken it can be devoid of depth.
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My dear Jack, didn’t you know what she looked like without make-up before marriage? If after marriage you’re complaining about what she looks like without make-up, I then wonder about the quality of your courtship. Some women look pretty with or without make-up. Your woman in your estimation does not have that grace is what you’re saying. But that begs the question about the quality of relationship you had and how real you were to each other during courtship. It means you never saw her in unguarded moments. Means you never saw her without that mask. How do you court for a year and all you saw were only made-up versions of your girlfriend? What’s the quality of that courtship? Surely you must have known she went to bed without make-up. So it’s reasonable to assume she has an image sans make-up. And it’s also reasonable to assume she won’t always have make-up on after marriage.
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Dear Jack, I think you’re conflicting sex for love. You don’t really know the love of a woman, just sex. You’re at that age testosterone is raging like a bull and primal desires are seeking to overrun your life. The love of a woman is much more than sex Jack. You don’t get it. To the woman who truly loves you sex is a sacrificial offering, an oblation – the religious giving of self. Continue reading

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