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Tag Archives: How men think

My dear Jil, the problem is you keep dating the wrong guys, it’s not that you have a string of bad luck with guys. You keep dating guys that are neither right for you nor care about you, guys who just want to exploit you. Funny thing is you know from onset these guys aren’t right for you but you plunge on all the same, just because you feel you must have a man. Take this latest guy. Barely one week into the relationship, he’s already asking you for a loan. That should have been a red flag. You tried to mitigate your risk by giving him half the loan he requested, but you had increased your risk profile by sleeping with him! Wise guy he was, he simply asked for a second loan of the same value the very next week knowing you’ll likely half it. And so he got the original amount he asked from you, only in two instalments. The second demand right after the second sex instalment! I guess he reckoned you’re hooked, that you need sex. So he bargains with sex. You have that sore feeling you’ve been outsmarted. He’s never going to pay you back. I’m sure you know that.

How can you claim you want commitment yet keep giving your heart and sex to undeserving non-committing type? And as if things aren’t bad enough the guy keeps making inane demands, including the demand you buy him boxer shorts! You sure got yourself a real man didn’t you – the type who begs for boxers and underwear! What a man! After you’ve become official supplier of boxer shorts, you’ll graduate in time to supplier of shirts and trousers. Then you’ll graduate to feeding and housing him, the logic being you’re taking care of your future husband. And in the unlikely event you do marry him, you’ll of course assume full responsibility for him and the family. Surely you can see the trajectory, unless of course you want to delude yourself. If you must fool everyone, don’t fool yourself. You know exactly the bargain you’re getting with this guy. He knows too. It’s sex for social security cheques. You know you SHOULDN’T be in this relationship, not to talk of sleeping with him. You sold yourself cheap. What did you get? There’s nothing this guy is offering you, or can offer you. Not even the future. You know that already.

As if Satan has it really in for you, a false prophet has risen. Spiritual con. This false prophet is telling you to stick to this worthless fellow because he’s going to do you some unspecified good in the future. So everyone is taking at mickey out of you – your “boyfriend” and now the “prophet”. How did you even come across this false prophet? And how do you place your life and destiny in the hands of a charlatan? You desperately want to believe something – anything to justify your “investments.” Is it that God does not have your home address, or can’t talk to you directly that he has to address you through a charlatan? Surely, someone is playing on your gullibility. It’s a matter of time before you start doling your salary on this false prophet. You’re compounding what is ordinarily a common sense issue with false spirituality. Doesn’t your common sense tell you to run from this sort of guy? He’s a predator! If he can’t even keep his word on repayment of loan of just $27, then you’ll be foolish to believe his promises on marriage. And if you’re fighting over a mere $27, doesn’t that already give you a vision of what your marriage will be? Whatever you’re expecting from me you’re not going to get a pat on the back for these foolishnesses. Sometimes we need a lexical slap on the face to get us out of stupor. I hope this letter achieves that. If you put any further trust in this guy you’re going to end up with groundnut shells.

Successively, dating those you know will abuse you is in itself self-abuse. Why do you imagine you have no option but to accept base propositions in the name of ameliorating loneliness? Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Your life is the key ingredient! Such an approach already has an inbuilt failure mechanism. When relationship is approached as trial and error, you’ll likely end up in error. And you don’t have that much lease on life. You should be wary about a guy who says he wants to date you and ab initio begins to make a demand for money. Surely, morning shows the day in this kind of circumstances. He’s already shown his hand. Such a guy will always tell you he’s being owed arrears of salary. Only he’s not telling you it’s just last month’s. He’ll give you the impression there’s a backlog of eight months, not counting accrued benefits. But you’ll soon discover he’s only owed last month’s salary, at best two months. And there goes the collateral for your loan. When you confront him on the facts he’ll turn the whole thing into a fight, cheekily accuse you of not trusting him. It’s all a ruse and you ought to be smart. That “fight” is an act. He’s playing out a script he’s thought of in advance. At the end of the day, YOU will start feeling bad you ever asked for your loan repayment! The desperation for a relationship can lead us into the kind of temptation that’s going to make us pray to God, “Deliver us from evil.”

Isn’t it better to just wait for the right guy than desperately hitching your life to the wrong sort of fellow? Marriage is a life term. You can’t see the good guys as long as this guy keeps obscuring your view and judgment. He’s blocking your access. A good guy is a responsible guy. A good guy is not thinking of exploiting you. That’s who to date. If a guy’s value construct is that it’s a woman’s responsibility to assume responsibility for the needs of a man, you have a flight scenario. I’m surprised you’re perturbed he’s going after another girl because you seem “uncooperative.” Shouldn’t you be thanking God for deliverance and congratulating the new girl on assumption of onerous responsibility? She will soon learn of course. Most likely she’s advanced him a loan. It’s her first loan of course. She’ll advance many more. And when she balks, another girl will step up to the plate. He knows how to charm women, knows the right words to say. This is the kind of guy you should never disclose your bank balance to. You should never divulge amount in your savings account. He’ll come up with a business idea that just fits the amount of money in your savings account. He may leave you pennies. He’ll tell you this is your opportunity to help him. That tomorrow it will be his. It’s about your future together he’d say. That’s what he told the last girl before you. And the girl before the last. And the girl before that. You better forget your $54 loan and run. Regard it as the subscription cost for common sense.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, you’ve got to get rid of all those munched conversations on your phone. Love does not keep record of wrongs. In your case, you’re not only keeping record of wrongs, but evidence to be used in future prosecution of your boyfriend. And so when he says something in the future, you’ll go into that file drawer, pull out what he had said, annotated with date and time. If the reverse were the case, you won’t want to date such a man – a man who annotates texts for future reference and accusation. Nobody will want to date such a person – someone who files potential claims and evidence against you. That’s a sophisticated spirit of accusation and unforgiveness, the literal holding of grudges. At the back of your mind somewhere, you’re rummaging through those files as he’s talking. Some of those files are years old. You’re literally holding him up to conversations you had as far back as two years ago. You filed them away “just in case”. But just in case what? It’s accusatory.

You’ve built in potential turmoil into your relationship and you’ve branded your boyfriend even if you claim that’s not your intention. Worse you’ve branded yourself. Means one has to be careful what one texts you. You file texts away and can pull out a file anytime. It’s a spirit of meticulous accusation. That’s what those munches are. Means you held those conversations with a view. While your boyfriend was texting freely, you were responding with a view. You were responding with the view to bringing up evidence in the near future that will vindicate you before third parties. It’s either that or you’ve branded him “prone to forget what was said” – which is another euphemism for articulate accusation. It means you never forget, and you don’t want to forgive and forget. There’s a stubborn insistence on bringing faults to remembrance, a lack of forbearance. The ideals of love state that love does not keep a score of the sins of others. Love keeps no record of being wronged. The moment you keep a record of wrongs, you’re already in the wrong yourself. Once you start digitally archiving a record of wrongs, you’re already in the wrong yourself.

You see, that digital archive of evidence of wrong of others also constitutes digital evidence of your own wrongdoing. The very nature of humans means in a relationship once every while, you’ll offend each other. In a relationship, you’re bound to do something wrong, something irritable to your partner – something that needs forbearance. But when you set up yourself as the standard you’ll never see your own wrongdoing. You’re after all the standard. A tape measures everything except herself. But the ability of the tape to measure other things implies the measurement of the tape itself. And so the moment you set up yourself as the standard in a relationship you determine your own limitation. If a 6ft long tape is used to measure a 30ft long wall, we not only know the length of the wall but also the limitation of the tape. That your boyfriend doesn’t vocalise your limitations doesn’t mean you have no limitations. I’m sure there are things he wishes for that you’re not, things he wishes you’d do you don’t do. That may be his quiet pain. But because he loves you he makes a determination those things don’t matter, that every other thing you are is what matters. That we’re deeply loved is not the absence of faults in us, it’s proof of frailties, needfulness and shortcomings. That’s what love does – love swallows shortcomings, focuses on what really matters. In a manner of speaking, love is wilful ignorance. It’s a perseverance inoculation.

There’s just something so negative about keeping record of old conversations of disagreement in a relationship. It’s somehow reminiscent of the defunct Stasi secret police in East Germany. They had files upon files on people. Those files later became public record when the communist regime fell. You can imagine the anger and recrimination when people discovered their neighbours had been spying on them. There’s just something so negative about such filing. Delete all those munched conversations. You’ll feel a burden lift off you. When you imprison others with unforgiveness, you’re imprisoned too. Both the jailed and the jailer stay in the same prison. And no relationship will endure in happiness with a record of accusations. There’s something off-putting and adversarial about a partner who keeps record of wrongs. When you settle a quarrel, let it go. Forget it and move on. Or you’re going to need a lot of filing cabinets. One does not want to imagine what a relationship in which both parties are record-keeping wrongs will be like. That will be some relationship! There’ll be accusations and counter-accusations, both sides tendering evidence. Words that should have been forgotten are dredged up – including words spoken in anger that should never have been spoken.

The most damaging part is those record of wrongs erode trust and faith. And you graduate into an accuser. Accusations wear out the fabric of the soul, rends the garment of a relationship in tatters. Accusation is an adversarial equipment, a prosecutorial technology. In the normal course of life people run from the accuser. Should you give your boyfriend cause to run from you? Most times anyway we’re deflecting our own issues when we accuse others. And it’s worse when we presume the worst of others and expect them to defend themselves and prove their worth. You’re not going to get a lasting relationship doing that. It’s emotionally draining. Your boyfriend is going to be a sad man. Of course there are also men who do these things. They dredge up accusations with diaristic meticulousness. Either way, you have to drop evidentiary and prosecutorial munching. If you want a healthy relationship that is. You have to believe the best of your partner. It’s an expression of love and goodwill. Then he’s forced to rise to the occasion. Your faith in him becomes aspirational. I do hope you listen to counsel.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

There’s something off-putting and adversarial about a partner who keeps record of wrongs. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, I wish you had listened to me. You wouldn’t have had this problem. When someone offers you sincere advice with no ulterior motive and nothing to gain, you ought to pay attention to such. I told you not to give this guy money. But you went ahead and gave him doles of your money. And now… The whole thing was corny. The love was fake. Anyone could tell this guy was trying to fleece you. The sustenance of a relationship can’t be dependent on doling of funds. That it started that way shows its false foundation. It means the relationship was only sustained because you kept giving him money. In which case it was a simple commercial transaction. You were unwittingly trying to buy affection. But then you have to wonder what exactly you bought. Even a dog will become your friend if you keep doling it food.

This guy was clearly an opportunist. You mistook his response to the doling of your money for love. How gravely mistaken you were. Your “relationship” had hardly begun when he began to ask for money. You should have been worried. And you were. It’s why you wrote me. Then you succumbed to foolishness. The moment you let him in on the fact you had substantial savings he became more loving. And now you’re out for what… Close to a million? That’s expensive “love” you bought. What did you expect? You should have known such a “loan” would never be repaid. The guy had no intention whatsoever to pay you back. You exchanged your hard-earned savings for mushy sentimentalism – something you can get without paying a dime.

You were probably targeted, by the way. And in your earnest desire for a relationship, any relationship, you allowed yourself to be conned. Yes, you’re smart but there’s a difference between smartness and wisdom. Sometimes “smartness” gets us into trouble. It gives us a false sense of invincibility. Smartness knows it all. “Smartness” is what makes you say, “I know what I’m doing, don’t worry!” even when it’s obvious you don’t. “Smartness” makes you feel you’re in charge and in control of an agenda. Until the other side and even your agenda outwit you. Once you take all that “smartness” into a relationship, you kill sincerity, even honesty. Everything is programmed. And so you were smart but not wise.

Yet wisdom is the principal thing. Wisdom has depth. Wisdom introspects. Wisdom considers. Wisdom takes a reflective pause. Wisdom will not rush into murky waters or into an indefinable. Wisdom looks into the horizon. Wisdom looks for patterns, tries to make meaning of patterns and wonders what conclusion to draw. Wisdom is allergic to foolishness. I’m afraid you’d have to forego the money. It’s gone! Probably partly spent on another girl. I know it’s painful, considering the fact that your debtor ex-lover is even blocking you on WhatsApp to avoid his obligation. I’m not asking you to forego the money to indulge his capriciousness. No. I’m asking you to forego the debt so you don’t tether your life to this guy for a considerable number of years in seeking your money. He has no intention to pay. He doesn’t even have the money! It’s all blown, gone! Unbeknownst to him he’s back to Square One. And he’s bitten his benefactor. People have gone on to develop very successful businesses from much less money.

If this guy couldn’t create something tangible with almost a million, you better be thankful your devourer is gone. He’s probably off chasing another girl he reckons he can fleece of another million. And on and on his life goes being defined. If you insist on collecting the money he’ll hold you down sadistically. He has nothing to lose. You have much to lose actually. You’re the one with the drive and ambition. You’re going to be bogged down chasing this guy for the money. You may end up bitter. When we don’t pay attention to wisdom we end up paying an expensive tuition fee for life’s lessons. A serious guy wouldn’t have been asking you for money. He’d be too ashamed. This was right at the start of the relationship. You ought to be careful about going into a relationship with a guy without shame. When he does the shameful it will just be water off his back. Won’t see anything wrong. He may even revel in his shamelessness.

These kinds of guys have a philosophy about how to treat women. They regard women as people to be exploited in the name of love. Women giving them money is taken as fulfilment of obligation. It’s a duty. Will even accuse you of not helping out though you have. These are guys who believe in living off women. They’re one of the more terrible versions of boyfriend you shouldn’t have. They have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. Their sense of manliness is bent so crooked only God can do a miracle. Such go from woman to woman, the only contribution to the relationship being sexual ardour. They scout Facebook looking for prey. You ought to be careful about those profiles on Facebook. Some are figments of imagination. There has to be a correlation between the Facebook profile and the real person.

You fell into this situation because you refused to listen to your heart. Indeed, the reason you wrote me earlier was for confirmation of what your heart was telling you. So you did have warnings about this guy. Several warnings in fact. But you ignored those warnings. Sometimes, we’re so besotted with our desire that we ignore all rational warnings. We try to explain things away to ourselves unconvincingly. And so when an alarm bell rang in your heart concerning this guy you put it down to undue apprehension. You kept explaining everything away till you got sucked into the cauldron of anaesthetising desire. You were too busy enjoying being given “loving attention” you failed to see the deceit in those “affections.” Everything he told you he also told the last girl. All the phrases used, they’re formulaic. He targets needful women. The relationship was a hobby. He lathered you with deceit and saliva to soften you up to ask for the money. Just move on. Lesson learnt I believe. But he’s got his comeuppance coming. What you sow you reap. Life has a balance sheet. Conny man die conny man go bury am.

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. These are not “husband material.” A husband material is thinking of how to give to you, not how to take from you. A husband material adds to you not depreciate you. You can’t be bitter though I understand why you’re angry. But remember you share some of the blame.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. Click To Tweet

Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
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My dear Jil, it’s important you distinguish between love and sentimental expression of love. The two are not the same and if you don’t distinguish them you may break your marriage. A man may deeply and sincerely love you but may be poor at sentimental expression. That he is lacking in the sentimental department doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he just needs to work on that. Of course, your feelings are legitimate, a man ought to express his love and appreciation to his wife. But you can’t say a man who works so hard to take care of you doesn’t love you. That will be unfair.
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My dear Jil, it’s always better to have certainty in a relationship. You cannot assume someone is going to marry you. You’ve got to know. It’s got to be definitive, or you may have disappointment. I once asked a pilot why some pilots smack the plane on the tarmac as they landed. (Like many I thought this was bad landing). But my pilot friend told me it was the contrary. That the impact gives certainty the plane touched the ground. He said the shock absorbers of planes are configured to handle multiple hard landings so no problem. Without that impact the plane may just be coasting on a thin cushion of air till it runs out of runway, and then disaster. Bottom line, the impact against the tarmac gives the pilot certainty. In the same vein you need certainty about the future.
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My dear Jil, there comes a point we must stop digging ourselves in, in a relationship that’s no relationship. If you keep investing emotionally and materially in a relationship knowing your love is not requited, you’re digging a hole. There’s that point in this kind of relationship when we need to cut our losses. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. We’re talking years of life investment. But we can’t keep digging ourselves in, fooling ourselves we’re collecting clay to make bricks to build a relationship. The deeper the hole we dig, the more we’re caked in mud, and the more we disappear from view.
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My dear Jil,

I’m glad you found my last mail to you most instructive.

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