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Tag Archives: one-sided relationship

My dear Jil, it’s really very simple when you think of it. What you want in a relationship you must be prepared to give. If you want devotion, give devotion. If you want affection, give affection. If you want care, give care. What you want, give! Seems so simple, doesn’t it? These are simple rules of relationship and happiness. If you check out fantastic marriages, you’ll see these rules being applied. And they don’t seem like work because love is present. You pay things forward in a relationship if you want happiness. You give first, you don’t wait to collect and then consider giving. Once you enter that mode the relationship goes transactional. Doing good to your partner then becomes no tit no tat. And the whole thing grows worse when you don’t want to give but expect to collect. And worst when you then want to control the other party. That smacks of all sorts of character trait that are antithetical to relationship. In essence, you’re being smart. You keep what you have but expect to collect from the other party. Very selfish. It’s not just selfishness, it’s stinginess as well.

Sooner or later your partner will get the message and wisen up. Those who do these things tend to have a sense of entitlement. They EXPECT to be given, they’re blind to the duty of giving. Never giving, always expectant. That’s poverty of spirit. But that disposition negatively impacts so many things in a relationship. It naturally abhors taking initiative of care. And so the relationship becomes a one-way traffic of affection – only one party giving, no reciprocity or giving of any sort from the other party. This greatly impacts on the quality of relationship and in time someone begins to feel being taken for a fool. The aggrieved party soon pulls back. He becomes quietly angry and feels short-changed.

Stinginess in a relationship is not always about material gifts. It can be something as simple as a text. If he texts and you ignore his text you can’t complain if you text and he ignores your text. It’s called responsorial reciprocity. Surely, if you like to ignore people’s texts, you must be able to handle your texts being ignored! One rule can’t apply to your partner and another to you. There must be egalitarianism of responsibilities in a relationship. You can’t be affection-dry and ungiving yet be expecting affection. You won’t have a successful relationship. There are other expressions of this principle. Think of something as simple as duty of care, for example someone checking up on you. If you care about someone and you don’t hear from him, duty of care demands you find out what’s wrong. But lack of care and selfishness says, “I’m not going to call him to find out what’s wrong; I want him to want me more than I want him.” If something is genuinely wrong, say he’s ill, the guy will of course find such attitude painful. And the seed of termination of that relationship is sown. It begins to incubate in the heart. Every other thing that happens thereafter becomes reinforcement and confirmation of that awful impression of selfishness. And when one day he decides to pull out of the relationship, you’ll wonder why he’d do that over a trifle. But it’s not the trifle that precipitated the breakup, it was the grain of sand that caused a sand avalanche. In other words, it wasn’t the immediate event that led to that break up; it’s your character. When your friends ask you what happened you’ll of course be perplexed. That’s because you’re used to people giving you forbearance. Your friends will of course then start blaming the guy. But they ignore the fact of your character.

A relationship made up of one-way expectations is a parasitic relationship. A parasitic relationship wants, never expects giving and has a sense of entitlement. It’s incredibly emotionally draining. There’s material stinginess but there’s also emotional stinginess. Both outrightly destroy a relationship, prevent it from attaining its full potential. It cannot maximise its possibilities. Something as mundane as going to the movies can be used to demonstrate generosity of heart to your partner. Why don’t you one of these days offer to take him out rather than always expecting him to take you out as if it’s some duty. I’m not saying he shouldn’t try and be a man. But even men want to be taken out once in a while. It’s a good gesture. A relationship can’t be a one-way in configuration. It will have traffic issues. The danger of being selfish in a relationship is that you make room for the possibility of a generous alternative to you. At some point, the man will ask himself what exactly he’s gaining from the relationship. Stinginess makes a man ask such questions eventually.

The world recommends emotional and material stinginess as the best way to manage a relationship but they destroy relationships. Even outside of relationship, stingy people lose a lot. The sad thing is they’ll never realise how much. But it’s quite a lot. In a relationship a stingy person is seen as extractor. And he or she is like a heavy cloud without rain. There’s that expectation of reciprocity of affection in a relationship. Stinginess introduces manipulation into a relationship. Everything becomes deliberate, robbing the relationship of honest affection. You won’t have the kind of relationship you want being stingy to your partner. You won’t get the marriage you want. And stinginess blinds us to ourselves. Our vision becomes stingy to us. We can’t see much. Everything we see is about us and us. By the way stinginess, manipulation and stubbornness are triplets. They tend to go together, occupy same person. Stinginess – emotional or material, is antithetical to healthy relationship. If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. The very notion of love is giving and sacrifice. That’s what it’s all about. And when partners are committed to being generous to each other – be it materially or emotionally, the relationship is solidified. But if all you’re thinking is how to extract from your partner and not give, the relationship soon becomes a tiresome undertaking. And the quantum of giving must be the same even if quantity cannot be. Just give your best in your relationship. It’s emotionally draining to have a partner constantly expecting and not giving. It drags the spirit down. Re-conceptualise your philosophy of relationship. If you don’t you’ll lose this guy. There’s a limit to the excuses a man can give himself about a partner’s stingy disposition. He’s soon forced to come to terms with reality.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

If you’re not ready to give, you can’t have a fulfilling successful marriage or relationship. Click To Tweet

My dear Jil, I wish you had listened to me. You wouldn’t have had this problem. When someone offers you sincere advice with no ulterior motive and nothing to gain, you ought to pay attention to such. I told you not to give this guy money. But you went ahead and gave him doles of your money. And now… The whole thing was corny. The love was fake. Anyone could tell this guy was trying to fleece you. The sustenance of a relationship can’t be dependent on doling of funds. That it started that way shows its false foundation. It means the relationship was only sustained because you kept giving him money. In which case it was a simple commercial transaction. You were unwittingly trying to buy affection. But then you have to wonder what exactly you bought. Even a dog will become your friend if you keep doling it food.

This guy was clearly an opportunist. You mistook his response to the doling of your money for love. How gravely mistaken you were. Your “relationship” had hardly begun when he began to ask for money. You should have been worried. And you were. It’s why you wrote me. Then you succumbed to foolishness. The moment you let him in on the fact you had substantial savings he became more loving. And now you’re out for what… Close to a million? That’s expensive “love” you bought. What did you expect? You should have known such a “loan” would never be repaid. The guy had no intention whatsoever to pay you back. You exchanged your hard-earned savings for mushy sentimentalism – something you can get without paying a dime.

You were probably targeted, by the way. And in your earnest desire for a relationship, any relationship, you allowed yourself to be conned. Yes, you’re smart but there’s a difference between smartness and wisdom. Sometimes “smartness” gets us into trouble. It gives us a false sense of invincibility. Smartness knows it all. “Smartness” is what makes you say, “I know what I’m doing, don’t worry!” even when it’s obvious you don’t. “Smartness” makes you feel you’re in charge and in control of an agenda. Until the other side and even your agenda outwit you. Once you take all that “smartness” into a relationship, you kill sincerity, even honesty. Everything is programmed. And so you were smart but not wise.

Yet wisdom is the principal thing. Wisdom has depth. Wisdom introspects. Wisdom considers. Wisdom takes a reflective pause. Wisdom will not rush into murky waters or into an indefinable. Wisdom looks into the horizon. Wisdom looks for patterns, tries to make meaning of patterns and wonders what conclusion to draw. Wisdom is allergic to foolishness. I’m afraid you’d have to forego the money. It’s gone! Probably partly spent on another girl. I know it’s painful, considering the fact that your debtor ex-lover is even blocking you on WhatsApp to avoid his obligation. I’m not asking you to forego the money to indulge his capriciousness. No. I’m asking you to forego the debt so you don’t tether your life to this guy for a considerable number of years in seeking your money. He has no intention to pay. He doesn’t even have the money! It’s all blown, gone! Unbeknownst to him he’s back to Square One. And he’s bitten his benefactor. People have gone on to develop very successful businesses from much less money.

If this guy couldn’t create something tangible with almost a million, you better be thankful your devourer is gone. He’s probably off chasing another girl he reckons he can fleece of another million. And on and on his life goes being defined. If you insist on collecting the money he’ll hold you down sadistically. He has nothing to lose. You have much to lose actually. You’re the one with the drive and ambition. You’re going to be bogged down chasing this guy for the money. You may end up bitter. When we don’t pay attention to wisdom we end up paying an expensive tuition fee for life’s lessons. A serious guy wouldn’t have been asking you for money. He’d be too ashamed. This was right at the start of the relationship. You ought to be careful about going into a relationship with a guy without shame. When he does the shameful it will just be water off his back. Won’t see anything wrong. He may even revel in his shamelessness.

These kinds of guys have a philosophy about how to treat women. They regard women as people to be exploited in the name of love. Women giving them money is taken as fulfilment of obligation. It’s a duty. Will even accuse you of not helping out though you have. These are guys who believe in living off women. They’re one of the more terrible versions of boyfriend you shouldn’t have. They have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. Their sense of manliness is bent so crooked only God can do a miracle. Such go from woman to woman, the only contribution to the relationship being sexual ardour. They scout Facebook looking for prey. You ought to be careful about those profiles on Facebook. Some are figments of imagination. There has to be a correlation between the Facebook profile and the real person.

You fell into this situation because you refused to listen to your heart. Indeed, the reason you wrote me earlier was for confirmation of what your heart was telling you. So you did have warnings about this guy. Several warnings in fact. But you ignored those warnings. Sometimes, we’re so besotted with our desire that we ignore all rational warnings. We try to explain things away to ourselves unconvincingly. And so when an alarm bell rang in your heart concerning this guy you put it down to undue apprehension. You kept explaining everything away till you got sucked into the cauldron of anaesthetising desire. You were too busy enjoying being given “loving attention” you failed to see the deceit in those “affections.” Everything he told you he also told the last girl. All the phrases used, they’re formulaic. He targets needful women. The relationship was a hobby. He lathered you with deceit and saliva to soften you up to ask for the money. Just move on. Lesson learnt I believe. But he’s got his comeuppance coming. What you sow you reap. Life has a balance sheet. Conny man die conny man go bury am.

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. These are not “husband material.” A husband material is thinking of how to give to you, not how to take from you. A husband material adds to you not depreciate you. You can’t be bitter though I understand why you’re angry. But remember you share some of the blame.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Don’t date all these guys who do foreign exchange with affection. Click To Tweet

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