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Tag Archives: Pressure

My dear Jack, seems to me you’re speed-dating women. No, I’m not talking about the other variety – those events in which you’re given two minutes to consider dating someone. Or is that the date? You can see the conceptual paradox. You can’t achieve a reasonable objective in that context. At best those programmes are about eliminating whom not to date, and such a person must be an obvious misfit. The whole thing seems like guess work on a multiple choice exam paper. You go for such events with the attitude of “Who knows!” rather than “I’m sure to meet someone.” It’s really not that efficient when it comes to qualitative decisioning. The structure favours certain stereotypes – guys and babes who can make their case in two minutes flat. There’s just something rushed about it, something superficial. That’s why I said it’s at best an elimination exercise. You’re at the mercy of the quality of the pool of prospects. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.

I said you’re speed-dating because you’re rushing through girls like someone out to exhaust a pool. You’re going to get a bad reputation among the women folk doing that. Life you’ll soon learn is a very small pool. Because you’re not looking to commit, ploughing through girls, you’re going to hurt a lot of people. You’re going to leave a lot of hurt in your wake. Yes, conventional male wisdom is that this is macho stuff, but you’re going to end up confusing even yourself. And you will become numb to feelings. All you’re thinking about is sex with as many women as possible. Of course you run a huge risk pursuing that course. You may end up the father of multiple children simultaneously. Your children from multiple women may end up just days older than each other if you keep ploughing through girls. But let’s even assume you were careful and there’s no biological outcome. There’ll still be soul inundation. You don’t need to run through so many women ostensibly to make a choice. Unless of course, you’re committed to self-delusion.

What usually happens when you finally make that choice is that you begin to wonder about the adequacy of your choice. All the other options will withdraw once you choose. You’ll begin to miss the aggregated supply of the plurality of women. Which then makes it hard for you to be committed to your choice. Before you know it you’re back on the “streets.” Truth is, what you set to accomplish is defeated by your methodology and approach. And the paradigm you’re using is faulty. That’s partly the problem of approach with the other speed-dating. You’re using prospects’ interests as a basis of choice. That’s a faulty methodology. You can both have the same interests and still be unsuitable for each other. That’s the falsity in the approach. That’s not saying mutual interests don’t and won’t strengthen a bond, but it’s not a good basis of choice. Humans are deeper than the interests they pick up along the journey of life. Many of the wonderful marriages you see hardly have partners who share common interests. You may love tennis and she has no idea what an ace is, and yet you’ll make a wonderful couple. At the end of the day, all those subject interests matter less than your interest in each other, your love for each other. She may or may not follow you to Wimbledon for that tennis final, as exciting as that may be, yet love you to bits. If you truly love each other, that lack of understanding of tennis becomes an amusing anecdote in your relationship, the wonder of it all.

By very definition commitment in a relationship can’t be a surface realism. Commitment speaks of something deeper, something stronger, something tested, a resolution, an exercise of strength. In choosing a partner you ought to pay attention to emotional and behavioural qualities, as well as values. You’re not really going to detect these qualities fleeting from flower to flower, plucking nectar like a butterfly. In speed-dating women you’re likely to focus more on physical and cultural factors. And you’ll miss the person. You don’t choose a life partner like an item on a restaurant menu! Life is not a restaurant. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled with projections and affectations. Focus on values. They’ll give you insight. If because you’re the one paying for the food she proceeds to order Heaven, Earth and Texas, that says something. But if aware of your income bracket she is mindful not to go for the most expensive items on the menu, that says something too. In other words, is she considerate and kind? Or is she greedy, selfish and self-centered? Those considerations are more important than the ability to pronounce foie gras, or wear long painted talons and weave-ons. Pay attention to the person not just the looks and affectations. Values and character give you insight into a person. Is she a sincere person? Is she a manipulative person? Do you feel she’s laying a trap for you? Can you trust her? Is she planning to dump her living expenses on you? Is she looking for a Kardashian lifestyle financier? Is expression of endearment in her phone call a prelude and foundation for demand for money and fashion finance? Is she a “user” – you know, one who uses you and is certainly going to dump you when your usefulness expires? If she’s a user, you know your relationship has an expiry date, right? Do you wonder what exactly you’re gaining in the relationship? Do you feel cheated? All these go to character. As it is you’re dating formats – women who look a certain way. In this age of universal fashion you’re probably dating a wig style.

A fantastic choice of partner is not determined by the number of women ploughed through. Chances are you’ll make a wrong choice. Bracketise your desire. Don’t go off on tangential exploration you already know is unaligned to your matrimonial dream. Why date someone you already know you can’t date (or shouldn’t date) and shouldn’t get married to? You may get stuck. Dating the wrong person is the start of the journey into a bad marriage. Better to pray to just meet the right person than to dissipate so much energy and resources on so many wrong prospects. It’s the right woman you should be looking for not women. Or you’re going to have a blood bath of emotions and bad conscience. Take it easy young man. You don’t want to learn what it means by “it’s a very small world” from a vengeful perspective. I hope this straightens out some of your issues.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Values and character give you insight into a person. Click To Tweet

Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
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My dear Jil, you’re not going to have everything you want in a man, any more than you can be everything a man wants. The man who is EVERYTHING you want has to be someone you made. In which case you’re divinity. Man is the sum total of his genetic ancestry, nurture, knowledge, environment, cultural and spiritual influences. It’s hard to therefore, imagine that a man will be 100% of your requirement. You have no influence on any of those factors. By the time you arrived on the scene the man was already “formed.” Every other modification is now voluntary. And so we marry those who are largely what we want, not everything we’d desired. Or we’ll never marry. That man you want doesn’t exist and can’t exist. You’ll have to create him yourself. And you have to be afraid of creating such a man for yourself considering flaws in your judgment, character and make up. That means whatever you create must necessarily be a flawed individual. You’re flawed in your thinking.
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My dear jack, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are immediately apparent. But some others take nine months to manifest. Yours will take nine months. Impregnating your girlfriend while still in school is the nine month variety of mistake.
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My dear Jil, you’ve got to break this chain of she said, she said, she said. It’s all gossip. Gossip is why there’s present continuous fight among you and your friends. Hardly is one she said settled when another she said resurfaces. Sometimes she said within she said. And so your relationship with your girlfriends is in a constant state of she said she said she said. And you’re so few. There’s a fluid alliance generated by all this gossip. Your friend today may say something behind your back tomorrow. Then to defend yourself you have an ally with someone who said last week, only you fought before the new she said. It’s like someone is playing you guys like marionettes, like someone stirring up strife among you. With all this gossip you and your friends are more or less a “Real Wives” TV series now. All we need is cameras.
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My dear Jil, but he’s not a lazy fellow. In fact he’s a very industrious young man. Just got laid off. And that happens. I mean the economy tanked, banks downsized and he got laid off. Could have happened to you. Assuming it did, what would you have expected of him? Start berating you? This is the time to show you love your husband. He’s at his lowest ebb. He just lost his job. You should feel for him. There he was one day everything going right in his life, just got married to the love of his life…then suddenly this. Call it downsizing, rightsizing or whatever sizing is going on…as if it’s some shoe! Fact remains that at the individual level, rightsizing is not shoe fitting. It’s someone’s regular income gone! Continue reading

Dear Jil, I really don’t blame your parents for insisting your boyfriend must have a job before marriage. You may not understand because your experience of life is little. And your knowledge of men is limited. But your parents know, and they’re actually trying to protect you though you may not see it. The makeup of men is radically different from that of women. Both sexes react to lack differently. I’ll talk to you in a bit about that, but truth is you don’t even know how you will react when there’s acute lack. Continue reading

Dear Jil, let me tell you how pickpockets operate in downtown Lagos! Downtown Lagos pickpockets thrive in confusion, in the melee of the crowd, where there’s no order. Because public transport is in short supply downtown, there’s usually a melee for buses. And so the bus stop is an ideal location for Lagos pickpockets.

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Dear Jack,

It’s been some days but I remembered you in my meditation this morning!

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