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Tag Archives: Responsibility

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Jack, come on you should be smarter than this. You should be! Just when you wanted to terminate the relationship she suddenly showed up at your house, late at night. Do you think she came for Ludo? Or you think she came to watch TV? Come on! You knew what she was up to and you attempted to take advantage but she outplayed you. And now she’s pregnant. Did you say she coughed out the contraceptive you administered the instant you turned? And almost to the day, barely four weeks after your copulation she announces pregnancy. Clearly you underestimated her. She knew you wouldn’t be able to resist free flesh despite your feelings so she set you up. You were too smart for yourself, weren’t you? If you didn’t want to date her anymore, why did you sleep with her that fateful night? “Last sex,” “Good bye sex,” “Parting shot sex” – they often turn out to be “Congrats on your new baby” sex.

However since character has been introduced as a factor, I’d advise you carry out a paternity test. It’s very possible she was already pregnant when she showed up at your house that night. In Biblical terms she might have given you Uriah Challenge. Remember the story of Bathsheba? The woman who slept with David? Uriah Challenge is when someone tries to pass off a pregnancy as yours by making you sleep with her knowing she was already pregnant. That was the stunt David tried to pull off on Uriah after impregnating Uriah’s wife. Well, it backfired. The point being made is, you want to be sure the pregnancy is yours, given the circumstances and the deliberateness involved. It’s not impossible it’s yours, but when a suspicious pregnancy follows sex with mathematical accuracy you want to be sure. She might have slept with another person who rejected the pregnancy. Who knows in this game you both played. Her showing up at your house late at night and out of the blues lends credence to the need to be cautionary in accepting responsibility.

Now, that’s not saying if the child is yours you should deny paternity. That’s irresponsible and unmanly. If you impregnated her, take responsibility. That’s being a man. Yes, I know the pregnancy alters all sorts of things in your life. These things do. You have to recalibrate your life. Having a child out of wedlock as a young man tends to make you sober. Fatherhood arrived prematurely. Truth is, the average young man knows when he’s being set up. It’s just that opportunism gets the better of him – “free sex!” And it still boils down to what I told you earlier: Don’t date whom you can’t marry. You may end up marrying her. Her family is of course going to be insistent on marriage. You’ve been roped into a grand scheme of opportunism. And they’re going to oppose paternity test. It’s a cultural taboo they’ll say, casts aspersion on their pristinely daughter. If you buy that legend you’ve been had, and you don’t drink Legend Stout. Those “cultural” traditions are only quoted when it suits the agenda. You better let your parents know what’s going on before you’re fully tied up with the ropes of “African culture.”

Her parents are going to try and rush you into commitments. You’re a good catch. They’re going to talk of marriage as fait accompli. Since the question of entrapment has been raised I’d be wary of proceeding into such marriage if I were you. No one can force you to marry anyone. It’s your choice whom you choose to marry. But you must take responsibility for your offspring however the child came about or the motivation of his mother. Responsibility defineth the man. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But you create problems if you take the tortuous route of patent denial. You can’t eradicate the fact of the child. It’s here to stay and it’s going to be in your life till you die. Whatever plans you make about your life going forward you have to factor in the child. And the mother. She’s using the pregnancy as it were as a bargaining chip for marriage. If that fails she’ll use other chips. Though to be honest women sometimes resort to such desperate measures when they feel used and are about to be dumped. I’m also not saying that’s what you did. I don’t have the full facts from both sides. Just a thought that popped up. If she felt that having slept with her all this while you were then preparing to dump her, she can pull such a stunt. It’s why I tell you to pursue wholesome relationship rather than taking an opportunistic approach to women.

Relationships are not 3D cardboard cut outs. There are emotions and feelings involved. You shouldn’t take people for granted, whether in life in general or in a relationship. If you take someone for granted in a relationship you may set off a vengeful mood. Men obviously view sex different from women. Young men in particular tend to imagine sex from the fleeting perspective of a butterfly. It’s why they imagine they can go from flower to flower in nectar indulgence. But sex for women is a very deep and intensely emotional thing, the perspective being sexuality is a valuable asset. A woman views her sex as asset not just activity. Her virginity is a major asset for example. Has to be given to the deserving. It’s why the woman feels you robbed her of something, took “something” away from her when you sleep with her gratuitously. That “asset” is supposed to be given in trust in exchange for something worthwhile. It’s a wholesome perspective. As it is you both have crossed views –you have a liberal disposition towards sex, while she has a conservative disposition. When sexual dispositions clash you have the kind of situation you’re in. You’re feeling set up, she’s feeling used and about to be dumped. So she resorted to protecting her “investment” over the years through pregnancy. But all that is water under the bridge now. All the hypotheticals are theoretical.

For the next nine months or so you’re acting father. After nine months you take on the full office. Of course the paternity test may say otherwise. We don’t know what that will throw up. If it’s negative you’ll probably breathe a sigh of relief. However if positive welcome to fatherhood. Like I said the choice of marriage is yours. I’m however worried about a marriage contracted under these circumstances. The feeling of being entrapped may haunt the marriage, which will of course evoke in her a sense of injustice. You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. It’s antithetical to the idea of marriage. However, whatever the outcome from all this, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

You don’t go into a marriage under the tyranny of coercion. Click To Tweet

My dear Jack, I’m sure you’ve heard about The Seven Deadly Sins. They’re the stuff of legend in Hollywood. There’s even a movie with that title, though of a disturbing nature. The movie is about a psychopath. (Why do they always have those psychopaths for these things?) The seven deadly sins are Solomonic actually. They are the seven abominations. Though “The Parson’s Tale” in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales as well as artworks like Dante’s Purgatory, help illustrate the sins. If you want to have a successful marriage you have to be mindful of the seven deadly sins.
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My dear jack, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are immediately apparent. But some others take nine months to manifest. Yours will take nine months. Impregnating your girlfriend while still in school is the nine month variety of mistake.
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My dear Jack, no one can force you to marry whom you don’t want to marry. Choice of marital mate is your prerogative. Marriage is an act of will. It’s why we say, “I do”. That presupposes we can say, “I don’t”, even at the altar! You shouldn’t marry under compulsion. If you don’t want to marry someone, don’t! But that doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for the natural consequences of your actions: If you impregnate someone you’ve got to take responsibility for the pregnancy. And please don’t tell me the pregnancy was a mistake. Considering how pregnancy comes about, how can it be a mistake? You went into a young woman. You impregnated her according to the order of nature. If you were not mistaken with penetrative deliberateness, how come the result of your ardour is now tagged a “mistake”? Continue reading

Dear Jack, there’s that other aspect of husbanding people don’t consider. It’s called fatherhood! You’ll be surprised how much being a good father to your children is a measure of your value as a husband. It’s all about a sense of responsibility – being responsible for your family. Which in a way is a measure of love for your wife – no loving husband abdicates parental responsibility. There are too many women playing the role of father because the real dad won’t show up or step up. Continue reading

My dear Jil, the notion of rights without responsibility defeats the very purpose of a relationship. You can’t have expectations of your spouse or partner and not imagine you owe him responsibilities too. A relationship conceptually breaks down when one side expects but has no sense of obligation to the other party. That is not the formula for a happy marriage or happy ending. It’s not a balance-sheet, it’s a one-sided ledger. And it’s a debit system. Someone keeps withdrawing from the emotional bank of the relationship, never deposits. Continue reading

Dear Jack,

You can’t be married and be so selfish, so self-centered and so irresponsible. You’re just going to destroy lives, and if care is not taken create bitter children. Marriage is not about me, me, me. It’s about her, it’s about us, it’s about them. (By them I mean the children). Continue reading

Dear Jack, I honestly don’t get it. You fell in love with this lovely girl. You’ve dated her for years now and thinking of marriage. And then your mum “took her name” to the Pastor who “examined the matter” spiritually and declared the marriage accursed.

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My dear Jil, you can’t be reliant on your boyfriend for happiness. You can’t be dependent on a man for happiness. And that’s a heavy burden to load on someone. It can’t be fair! No man possesses that kind of capacity- to keep someone happy. It’s an emotional albatross. In a way he literally has to give up his life to tend to your happiness. It’s some form of control on your part. It’s reverse selfishness and it’s dangerous. You’ll never be satisfied. You’re going to end up hating him. And that’s because you’ll be holding him responsible for your unhappinesses.

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My dear Jack, I’m not sure it’s advisable to create a generic profile for women. Yes, there are basic commonalities but every woman has her unique identity. Same goes for men. I do concede though that there are broad spectra. Let’s call these spectra personality typologies. But as useful as these personality typologies may be we still have to come to terms with the peculiarities of the individual.

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