My dear Jack, every relationship has an equilibrium base. It’s a place of tranquillity, a place of rest. At that equilibrium there’s peace in a relationship, there’s harmony, there’s joy. Things are settled, nothing worries you, you’re happy. And you want things to continue that way. There are no fights, just love, appreciation and understanding. It’s in that state of equilibrium that you can better appreciate the great qualities of your spouse. It’s a place of deep appreciation. It’s at that point you say to yourself, “This woman is just perfect for me; she’s just made for me.” You can see her happy and contented. It’s like she’s floating in happiness. You can see the wide smile on her face. There it is lurking just beneath her skin, making her soft and tender. There’s a glow. She’s open to collaborative love, wants to hear appreciation from you. She teases you no end. You make fun of each other. Think of an afternoon at the beach, only this time the beach is located right inside your home. There’s airiness and lightness in the house, the house is suffused with a potent mixture of joy, peace and harmony. She wants to take care of you at that base, and you want to care for her. There are cuddles, and there are bubbles of quiet joy. She’ll want that stretch of moment caught in a bottle and sent off to sea, unviolated and bubbling to the dance of the waves till forever. That’s the vision of marriage everyone ought to have; it’s a vision of a weekend – easy, peaceful, happy, contented, joyful, loving, caring. You work hard to keep your relationship at that equilibrium. That’s the work cut out for you. It’s why it’s important to love the person you marry. Love makes the job unbelievably easy. You won’t be “doing” anything. Things will just be.
Your actions are motivated by love. Love gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Love softens a man, makes him go extra mile for his woman. Love makes a man protective. It makes him want to provision for his woman. Love says, “I’ve got something wonderful going on here and I want it to last forever. I don’t want to mess it up.” And sometimes the relationship slides even further to the right – positive right. There, there’s unimaginable joy. That’s when you can’t wait to get home to see her. You just want to be with her. All your inhibitions are down. You’re free and open with her. There are no walls, no pauses in your thought stream. There are no pretences or pretentiousness, no “poses.” It’s a place of nakedness, of sincerity of heart. That comes from knowing this woman is your partner, your partner for life. You’re bound together, for all of eternity. It’s the place you’re like a child. It’s a wonderful place to be in a marriage. There’s so much trust some questions don’t even arise. It’s the place of invested lives. Your issues of life are cross-invested in each other. When people see you together they can tell you’re in love with each other. And they’ll want what you have, assess their relationship by it. It doesn’t come automatically. It takes desire and a willingness to be naked with each other. It takes wanting a happy marriage. It takes wanting to trust your partner, taking the risk of being exposed as it were. It’s a place where lives are bound and the two parties are committed to the project of forever oneness. For both parties to benefit both must be committed to oneness. There are no other options.
However, relationships can also slide to the negative left. The negative left has a range from mild to extreme. You don’t want extreme. The mild left is a picture of your average disagreement, parties not wanting to talk to each other. Though mild, even at that it’s not a good place to be. There’s the pain of needed but unfulfilled love. It’s a place of misunderstanding. It’s a place of suspicion, of someone saying what hurts the other party – what should not have been said. You get out of that place by expressing your feelings to each other, not just your version of historical facts. You see, when you express your version of facts without touching on feelings, the feelings become residual pus, undrained. The disagreement will put both parties under severe stress. It’s disequilibrium. The peace in the relationship is disturbed. Both of you will dread coming back home after work. There’s that unresolved pain hanging in the air like a dead weight. Contains anger. To resolve the issue, it may be better to start texting each other about how you feel, well, well before coming home. Sometimes the work of reconciliation needs a long runway. By the time you get home the issues are at least largely known and on the table. Each party knows where the other is at. What matters is that by the time you get home you can say sorry to each other and reconcile. The focus ought to be reconciliation.
When there’s negative emotion in a relationship it brings about fear. You’ll start wondering at the definition of your partner. You’ll see your partner in a new light. Who she is changes in your sight, just as who you are changes in hers. And words can be spoken in anger at this time, regrettable words. You have to be mindful in expressing your pain during disagreement. The possible redefinition of your partner is why you have to quickly get out of the place of anger. Love can be hard at that moment. Those who know a great deal about marriage know how dangerous negative emotion is. Things can quickly spiral from there. Avoid negative emotion in your marriage. Positive emotion is always better. Learn to believe the best of your partner. But then there’s the extreme negative left. You don’t ever want to get there. It’s a place of abuse – physical, mental and emotional abuse. A marriage that makes flirting with extreme negativism normative soon finds itself unrequired. The negative end of the emotional range is a place of devaluation of worth. It’s where humans are drained of value. It’s not always expressed in shouts and anger. Sometimes it’s expressed in despite. Despite is a short leap to hatred. You shouldn’t despise anyone. You don’t want to be filled with hate. It takes a lot to get rid of hate. Hate comes from potent meditation on ill will. Hate destroys.
Now that you know the ranges of emotion in a marriage, it’s up to you what you want to do with the knowledge. The positive state is obviously better. Equilibrium and happiness are better. But people sometimes want to be proven right so they go for negative emotions. Only they trap themselves in the vortex. A marriage is full of possibilities. It’s up to both parties to determine the possibilities they desire; negative or positive. I do wish you the best in your marriage.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | firstname.lastname@example.orgLove gives emotion to the rational tendencies of the male species. Click To Tweet