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Tag Archives: Unforgiveness

My dear Jil, you have to forgive your father, otherwise you’ll jeopardise your marriage.

There’s a special bond between fathers and daughters. It’s why fathers are protective of their daughters. It is also why daughters are especially hurt when fathers offend the unspecified expectations of that bond. Without forgiveness that offence is carried over into marriage, but it’s buried deep in the psyche. It’s triggered by fears, and similitudes of past offences and experiences. Then comes over-reaction.

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My dear Jil,
Today I want to talk about time travel. I know… Sci-fi right? But Physics is such a titillation for me. You should study it. The notion of time travel however presents a paradox – the Grandfather Paradox: Can one go back in time and kill one’s own grandfather before one’s father was conceived? This is the great paradox and scientists are grappling with it as with so many other bizarre realities of life. 
Do you know there’s a theoretical framework in Physics that says you can arrive from a journey before taking off? There’s so much we don’t know about life, so much to discover. Time travel of course raises questions about the nature of time itself. Is time linear like an arrow, or is it a constellation of spheres of existence, like planets as some suggest? 
There’s also the theoretical possibility of parallel universes. Does a “you” exist in another universe? What is Physics without exciting crazy possibilities! I wish it were properly taught in schools! Through Physics we peer into the brilliant mind of God! Theoretically, there’s nothing limiting time travel, either to the past or future. Reality is another thing entirely though. But suppose we can indeed do time travel. How wonderful that would be!
Imagine if we can actually go into the past, to correct our paths in order to avoid the mistakes we have made. Or go into the past to amend our track so as to escape the trauma visited upon us. If Molly can go into the past, she could make herself one minute late to Joke’s party – just one minute! Then she’d have avoided meeting Emeka the Barbarian, and all the trauma and drama. What if Justina could make herself go to the other party? She would then have avoided being raped by Sam. If Kenny can adjust the course of history, she would avoid meeting John in the present. He drained her account. And Labake can also adjust her timeline not to sleep with Tunde. Then she wouldn’t have been pregnant. Suppose, what if, perhaps, if… All these are suppositions and hypotheticals.
Scientists are battling with time travel not knowing we already do time travel. We undertake journeys into our past with suppositions and hypotheticals. I know Clara does time travel. She told me her aborted fetus would have been three years old now! She keeps punishing herself with that thought. We can be so harsh on ourselves, flagellating our souls in search of penance for restitution. We beat up ourselves so much for mistakes of the past we become too weak to make the journey into our future. As if doing injury to the fleshly stock of our soul would edit the past. The past is the past. No amount of recrimination we visit on ourselves will change the past. What has happened has happened. The problem most times is that we’re unwilling to forgive ourselves. That unforgiveness can be worse than not forgiving others. Both are terrible variants of one another. We all make mistakes. We’ve all made mistakes. Except hypocrites of course. Their pasts are perfect.
Amazing how God can graciously spare a man what he can’t handle and he imagines himself a superman; begins to judge others! Sometimes we feel we’ve done such terrible things and God won’t forgive us. Means you don’t know God! He’ll forgive anything. He’s not a man. God forgives! And he keeps forgiving! Men of course won’t forgive. It’s why they say terrible things about you, such horrible things! Yet their opinion is irrelevant. The only opinion that counts is God’s and he’s NOT judging you! Forgive yourself! 
Let me quote an excerpt from David Jesse’s Book of Poetry & Wonderments: “God makes everything come out right; he puts victims back on their feet… God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear him. He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we’re made of mud. God’s love… is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, making everything right for them and their children as they follow his Covenant ways…” Psalm 103:6-18 MSG. This coming from a man who slept with another man’s wife, impregnated her and tried to obscure paternity. He didn’t stop there: he arranged the gentleman’s murder; then he married his wife. If a murderer can script the foregoing, surely YOU can forgive yourself for being raped. (And how is that your fault?!)
Forgive yourself for making wrong choices in life, for stupidities of youth, for willfulness, foolishness… Stop travelling into the past. Stop visiting the mistakes of your past in the vehicle of “If only…” The island of mistakes in your past is not a good tourist destination. God loves you because of your past, not despite your past. 
Your mentor, LA. 
NB: This is my last but one letter to you this year. I’m looking forward to vacation.
©Leke Alder 2013

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