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Tag Archives: Worth

My dear Jil, the problem is you keep dating the wrong guys, it’s not that you have a string of bad luck with guys. You keep dating guys that are neither right for you nor care about you, guys who just want to exploit you. Funny thing is you know from onset these guys aren’t right for you but you plunge on all the same, just because you feel you must have a man. Take this latest guy. Barely one week into the relationship, he’s already asking you for a loan. That should have been a red flag. You tried to mitigate your risk by giving him half the loan he requested, but you had increased your risk profile by sleeping with him! Wise guy he was, he simply asked for a second loan of the same value the very next week knowing you’ll likely half it. And so he got the original amount he asked from you, only in two instalments. The second demand right after the second sex instalment! I guess he reckoned you’re hooked, that you need sex. So he bargains with sex. You have that sore feeling you’ve been outsmarted. He’s never going to pay you back. I’m sure you know that.

How can you claim you want commitment yet keep giving your heart and sex to undeserving non-committing type? And as if things aren’t bad enough the guy keeps making inane demands, including the demand you buy him boxer shorts! You sure got yourself a real man didn’t you – the type who begs for boxers and underwear! What a man! After you’ve become official supplier of boxer shorts, you’ll graduate in time to supplier of shirts and trousers. Then you’ll graduate to feeding and housing him, the logic being you’re taking care of your future husband. And in the unlikely event you do marry him, you’ll of course assume full responsibility for him and the family. Surely you can see the trajectory, unless of course you want to delude yourself. If you must fool everyone, don’t fool yourself. You know exactly the bargain you’re getting with this guy. He knows too. It’s sex for social security cheques. You know you SHOULDN’T be in this relationship, not to talk of sleeping with him. You sold yourself cheap. What did you get? There’s nothing this guy is offering you, or can offer you. Not even the future. You know that already.

As if Satan has it really in for you, a false prophet has risen. Spiritual con. This false prophet is telling you to stick to this worthless fellow because he’s going to do you some unspecified good in the future. So everyone is taking at mickey out of you – your “boyfriend” and now the “prophet”. How did you even come across this false prophet? And how do you place your life and destiny in the hands of a charlatan? You desperately want to believe something – anything to justify your “investments.” Is it that God does not have your home address, or can’t talk to you directly that he has to address you through a charlatan? Surely, someone is playing on your gullibility. It’s a matter of time before you start doling your salary on this false prophet. You’re compounding what is ordinarily a common sense issue with false spirituality. Doesn’t your common sense tell you to run from this sort of guy? He’s a predator! If he can’t even keep his word on repayment of loan of just $27, then you’ll be foolish to believe his promises on marriage. And if you’re fighting over a mere $27, doesn’t that already give you a vision of what your marriage will be? Whatever you’re expecting from me you’re not going to get a pat on the back for these foolishnesses. Sometimes we need a lexical slap on the face to get us out of stupor. I hope this letter achieves that. If you put any further trust in this guy you’re going to end up with groundnut shells.

Successively, dating those you know will abuse you is in itself self-abuse. Why do you imagine you have no option but to accept base propositions in the name of ameliorating loneliness? Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Your life is the key ingredient! Such an approach already has an inbuilt failure mechanism. When relationship is approached as trial and error, you’ll likely end up in error. And you don’t have that much lease on life. You should be wary about a guy who says he wants to date you and ab initio begins to make a demand for money. Surely, morning shows the day in this kind of circumstances. He’s already shown his hand. Such a guy will always tell you he’s being owed arrears of salary. Only he’s not telling you it’s just last month’s. He’ll give you the impression there’s a backlog of eight months, not counting accrued benefits. But you’ll soon discover he’s only owed last month’s salary, at best two months. And there goes the collateral for your loan. When you confront him on the facts he’ll turn the whole thing into a fight, cheekily accuse you of not trusting him. It’s all a ruse and you ought to be smart. That “fight” is an act. He’s playing out a script he’s thought of in advance. At the end of the day, YOU will start feeling bad you ever asked for your loan repayment! The desperation for a relationship can lead us into the kind of temptation that’s going to make us pray to God, “Deliver us from evil.”

Isn’t it better to just wait for the right guy than desperately hitching your life to the wrong sort of fellow? Marriage is a life term. You can’t see the good guys as long as this guy keeps obscuring your view and judgment. He’s blocking your access. A good guy is a responsible guy. A good guy is not thinking of exploiting you. That’s who to date. If a guy’s value construct is that it’s a woman’s responsibility to assume responsibility for the needs of a man, you have a flight scenario. I’m surprised you’re perturbed he’s going after another girl because you seem “uncooperative.” Shouldn’t you be thanking God for deliverance and congratulating the new girl on assumption of onerous responsibility? She will soon learn of course. Most likely she’s advanced him a loan. It’s her first loan of course. She’ll advance many more. And when she balks, another girl will step up to the plate. He knows how to charm women, knows the right words to say. This is the kind of guy you should never disclose your bank balance to. You should never divulge amount in your savings account. He’ll come up with a business idea that just fits the amount of money in your savings account. He may leave you pennies. He’ll tell you this is your opportunity to help him. That tomorrow it will be his. It’s about your future together he’d say. That’s what he told the last girl before you. And the girl before the last. And the girl before that. You better forget your $54 loan and run. Regard it as the subscription cost for common sense.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Relationships are not trial and error stuff. Click To Tweet

My dear Jack, I think you need to sit down and ask yourself what this woman means to you. It’s something every couple should do – both the man and the woman should ask what they mean to each other. Such an appraisal helps one uncover the true value of a partner. We tend to get lost in all those “husband” and “wife” titular stuff. We use the phrases so much they hardly mean a thing anymore. A “wife” (or “husband”) is after all someone you married. It’s taken as the result of an activity – the taking of an oath. It’s like “Mr. & Mrs.” It’s what you write on an envelope. Simply identifies sexes and marital status, nothing more. It can’t and doesn’t give depth to marriage. In fact, it has no usage inside marriage. In the same vein, “husband and wife” has come to represent co-joined status. If care is not taken it can be devoid of depth.
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Dear Jil, surely you can see these plans are asinine. I mean, how does it make it sense?! You’re dating a guy who lives abroad and hardly comes to town – may be once a year. So you don’t see him much. You face the typical challenge of long distance relationship. However much you do Facetime it’s never like being together. But instead of talking marriage, this man is talking about making you a baby mama. Why would you want to be baby mama instead of wife? And according to him you’ll have to stay here for two years after you’ve had the baby. You can’t travel to stay with him immediately. This allegedly is to ensure you don’t do menial job when you travel to meet him in UK! I’m lost and confused over this logic. So you stay two years apart so you don’t do menial job in the UK. Don’t get it, what’s the link?
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My dear Jil, there comes a point we must stop digging ourselves in, in a relationship that’s no relationship. If you keep investing emotionally and materially in a relationship knowing your love is not requited, you’re digging a hole. There’s that point in this kind of relationship when we need to cut our losses. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. We’re talking years of life investment. But we can’t keep digging ourselves in, fooling ourselves we’re collecting clay to make bricks to build a relationship. The deeper the hole we dig, the more we’re caked in mud, and the more we disappear from view.
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My dear Jack, you don’t even know yourself though you think you do. You have no idea who you are. You just think you have self-knowledge. Young men can be that way – so confident and full of hubris. Only the confidence is vacuous. It’s what makes them prone to mistakes of choice of marriage partner – the confidence of ignorance.  Continue reading

My dear Jil, I’m a little concerned about this relationship with this older gentleman. The age gap is considerable no doubt but that’s not really my concern. It’s him, what he wants. I’m not sure this gentleman wants you, or even loves you. I think he just wants to procreate through you. He has not been able to father children from his previous marriage. He has no offspring, hence you. And that’s the nerve of my concern – that he went for your youth as guarantee of feasibility of biological procreation. And so you’re both approaching the relationship from disparate perspectives. You’re genuinely in love; and his maturity and relative attainment give you security. He’s not in love, he’s looking for kids. It’s why your delay in taking in has given him concern. Continue reading

My dear Jil, 

This is my first letter to you. I shall in this and following letters acquaint you with certain perspectives on life. 

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